ToiletTalk

When it's as cold as this, it's time to hibernate. Penny is so needy these days, she wants to get out to play, but ole man winter has got us socked in for the next week or so. I have hid her ball in the house 3,567 times, and she knows every hiding spot, and finds it within 2 minutes. Gawwwwd..then I have to do it again, and again and then once more. I can throw it out the door and into the backyard, but she runs out, finds it and within 2 seconds she is back at the door with all her little paws waving frantically in the air...okay already, let's stop the cycle!!

I have a lot of things to do this weekend. I am backlogged. My (you know the illness I don't want to talk about) has put my wifely duties on hold. The bathtub surround looks like something you would see in a frat house. The shower doors are accumulating a greenish hue at an alarming rate. And for some reason the flooring is lifting at the doorway. This of course makes for an interesting entrance at 7:30AM in the morning when I am ready to hit the shower. If I'm barefoot, it's okay, if I'm wearing my bunny slippers, it's not okay...they hook on the bottom of the tile and I tip. You have heard of "cow tipping", but you ain't seen nothing until you have seen balonie tipping. My left slipper catches the tile, the right slipper tries to compensate. The left slipper wins. I do a face plant into a wrought iron towel stand/magazine rack/junk collector and everything and everyone falls down.

Sometimes it even wakes Gordon up! But most of the time ..no. Personally, I find it very refreshing to give my body a good workout first thing in the morning. First with the face plant, a mild concussion, then with the arms who were trying to protect me from actually letting my big fat head from hitting the floor, then with the legs ..who were totally worthless, those fuckers totally let me down. But all in all, I used all my muscle groups in 2 seconds. Why, would I pay good money to go to a gym? All you need is a loose tile! I will be stiff, and bruised, but so would I be if I was in the gym. And I saved myself a whole shit load of money.

After the last workout I took the staple gun and tried to staple the two offending tiles back into the floor until I had time to get some glue. But, I made it worse.

It's time for a bathroom makeover. Everyone saw my ugly sink, and now with the tiles, it's time to take action. My nieces gave me a beautiful vase for Christmas..it's Debbie Travis piece. I love it. It's a lovely shade of brownie peach, and I'm going to work the whole bathroom around it. I'm thinking a chocolate brown feature wall, with a lighter shade on the rest...a new counter top...and last but not least, new tiles. And I might even lose the wrought iron crap I have in there and give it to someone who doesn't fall down as much as I do. That is my agenda for the new year in my bathroom.

This is my other bathroom wish list this year:

Number one..yes, I will still make number #1 in there

Number two .. well yeah, I will still make #2 in there, but I will make the toilet paper a little more accessible to the toilet. When one runs out of paper on the roll, it's very inconvenient to lift your fat ass off the toilet ..and get up and slink to the cabinet beside you and retrieve a new roll, because you know...you have just left a small, but visible drip of urine on the floor...just so you can wipe the shit off your ass. Sometimes I use the empty roll the get the pee off, before I do the toilet paper walk, and throw it in the garbage. Therefore making the last job a little less humiliating.

Number Three: I will try to have the rolls in a more accessable area, and within hands reach of the toilet. Thereby taking a proactive approach other than taking a reactive approach to the situation. Who knew I was so ..hmmm uber smart. I should be in a board room in a big corporation...And at my age yet!

Well, my supper was a bust

It tasted like 2x4's. Don't ever buy beef short ribs without the bone in them, because you will rooooo the day. I said..roooooo!! The sauce was fantastic, but those riblets were as tough as leather. They tasted like plywood. I'm not knocking plywood, we all have it in our homes, but normally we don't partake of it at the dinner table. Gord was very polite,and said it didn't taste THAT bad, while I was trying to do the heimlich manoeuvre on him after his second bite. When he regained conciousness, we decided to eat the rice and veggies. Fortunately I had French vanilla ice-cream and bananas for dessert. I could have screwed up the whole meal! I tried to throw the rest of them away today. They didn't want to leave. They stuck to the bottom of the pot, and then with much prodding and swearing I steered them to the garbage. They fought me all the way. So, I took a cattle prode and shook them off. I swear, that's the truth.

Penny was mighty pissed. And as it turns out, she likes plywood. She followed the scent right to the garbage can. She stayed there and sat "pretty" in front of it until her paws got too cold and she had to come in. Pooooor Penny Plywood eater.

It's so cold here, and there will no end to it until the weekend.....I made spagetti tonight...you can't go wrong with that, can you? I don't know...I smell burnt plywood...........it must be my sinuses talking.

You know the "cold" I didn't want to talk about, it's just about gone. So, you can tune in again without the whining if you want to.

Spring seems so far away, but I look forward to it, and look forward to baling out the basement again. Now, that is sad.

Hello..is this thing on? knock..knock..

Oh, yeah there you are. Quit hiding behind those snowbanks! It's been a'blowing like crazy here today. A perfect day for doing sweet bugger all. I managed to get the laundry done, but didn't get the "mending" done. Our clothes are falling apart. Buttons are missing from Gord's shirts, the hems on all my jeans are all falling apart, apparently the staples didn't hold. You always know when I have chosen to do the repairs the easy way: when the clothes are put in the dryer and you can hear "clicking noises"..that would be the staples! And if you don't hear the "clicking noises," you know it's time to get out the stapler! I seriously have to get out my Granny sewing kit, and poke all my fingers with a needle. By the time I am done, I look like someone who had just done some serious diabetes testing and lost, trying to find the right number.

I used to make my own clothes. Yes, you heard me. I used to buy patterns, buy the material, buy the thread and sit down in front of the old "singer"..and make my own clothes. I had one standard pair of pants I used for years. It didn't have a waist band, thus making it very easy. Invisible zippers were the rage back then, so if you had the attachment on your machine for that, you were in business! All you had to do was cut out the pattern, sew up the seams, and add the zipper in the centre of the back of your pants. Then you would finish it off with folding waistband and make a seam around it..along with the the hemming of the legs...and wahhhlaa...a new pair of pants for Saturday night!! Cord's were always my favorite, I must of made 9873 pairs of them. Later on when I moved to the city and had to wear skirts and dresses to work, I bought some very highly flammable material that did not fray to make my skirts. I had one pattern, and I made 9873 skirts in different colours for every day of the work week. I didn't make my blouses, because that required some skill. But, I do remember crocheting some very interesting vests to wear on top of them.

Just as I was writing this, I am amazed at how much times have changed. When I finally got my second or third serious office job after going to secretarial school in the city, how we as women were required to dress. The job I had at this time was a receptionist/typist/whatever. Women were required to wear dresses or skirts, no pants allowed! When suddenly we had a rebel in the midst of us. I still remember her name..Sheila Rosenblum. She was hired by the accounting department and from the day she started she was trouble....she had one big mouth!! I loved her.

She openly challenged management about the dress code. At this time, "pant suits" were all the rage, I had a few of them, but could not wear them to work. She told them that there was no reason a woman could not wear them to work. After all, the men in the department all wore pants!! She was a hoot. Management actually changed the policy, and we could wear pant suits to work. But not, pants and a sweater..it had to be to code..Gawwwwd.

Then, sweet little Sheila, got on their asses about smoking. (this was a long time ago friends)...Women in our office were not allowed to smoke, but the men were. So, I could be working next to Joe blow, and he could light up, but I couldn't. She make short work of that and took them to task. Two weeks later, we could all smoke in the office (not that was a good thing). she was way ahead of her time with women's rights and scared the livin bejesus out of them. She said her husband was a lawyer and he could sue our company if they didn't comply. I think she was blowing "smoke"...but she was one hell of a broad. I wonder where she is now?

I'm making short ribs for supper........yummers, it smells so good. But, I have never made this recipe before, so I will have report on it tom morrow. It involves, grape jelly, Heinz chili sauce, onions, rosemary, lemon, brown sugar, garlic and mustard. This will be served on rice, along with veggies.


We went to my brothers house for our Christmas get together last night. Finally, we were all well enough. It was so great seeing everyone again. I love me nieces to pieces. We had a great supper, ribs, shrimp, rice and salad. My SIL actually kept their tree up until we could all be together. But, my brother was not very sociable. I understand he has problems, but he seemed to be very angry at me. He pretty well ignored me when I came in, and went on during the evening to make snide remarks about my weight. I haven't gained or lost any weight, I'm not really overweight..I could loose 15 lbs, but I don't know what his agenda was. Maybe I haven't been there for him enough. I don't know how..he always seems so angry. He is pretty housebound in winter, because he has to use his "scooter" to get about. They have a van that gets him from place to place, but his life has changed forever, with his illness. I don't know how to handle it. I'm feeling I have not done enough, but I don't know what to do.

I will call him this weekend and try to get to the bottom of it.

So...enought for tonight

Bylonie...over and out.

Thank the Lord it's Friday

Never in my life I have wanted this day so bad.

I won't talk about my swelled sinuses..because I told you to take me off your fav's list if I do. I won't talk about that extra hole in my head I didn't know was there. The one where you blow your nose and air come right out your ear. Would that be a ear fart? I belong in the circus for the loveofmike.

"Step right up folks" and see the little lady in the baggy sweat pants blow smoke out of her ear! ..better than up my ass as I usually do.

Today, I figured out a remedy for the illness I can't talk about in case you take me off your fav list. I just made a new batch of wine, and decided to put an additive in it. Cherry flavoured "Benylin cough and cold medication." This way I can still enjoy my nip after work, without the hacking cough, sinus congestion, and get a little buzz from the alchohol. Just enough to put me in a good frame of mind, and I don't get to hemmorage through my ears! It's a win..win situation. But then again, I don't want to talk about it.

I was looking at the bottle of Benylin today that was sitting on my very outdated ghetto bathroom counter. And wondered.. "why would they spell it B.E.N.Y.L.I.N.?"
Did Beny and Lin invent it in their basement? Maybe I had a teaspoon too many by this time, but it was making me wonder. Couldn't they just have named it "Bennys"..this shit will make you high and you will never sleep or cough again! AHA..they try to fool us .. the unwary public. Yes, the more I drink this stuff the smarter I seem to get. But, I don't want to talk about that anymore.

Or...Beny and Lin could be like most parents who like to put names to their kids and add a "Y." If my mom would have had kids now, my name would have been Jyoan. Gord's mom would have named him Gyordon. Think it about if folks...Byrenda, Kyaterina, MyaryLou, Syally, Eyllen, Cyutis, Phyliss (you lucked out babe) JymBob, Gytetto mama, Mychielle and Nyeil. It blows my mind!! And my name would be Bylonie..for God's sake. However, give great credit to Lin of Benylin...she did not use a "Y" in her name. It could have been called Benylyn.

So, I have given you something to ponder upon this weekend. I know that you all consider me a mentor, and someone you look up to for guidance, advice and little known facts that I make up. Why do women who have nice little cuddly babies put a "Y" in their names? "Y"... I guess they just wanna be different, yet they are all the same...

Over and out
Bylonie...sinking this ship!

Hey...Happy New Year ..what day is this?

Do I hear bells ringing...oops no..it's just my ears ringing again. But, that's not such a bad thing, every time my ears ring, an Angel gets its wings:)

This is my last entry regarding my imaginary maladies, my only problem today was, fatigue, and I popped my left ear drum by blowing my nose too hard. I couldn't hear for about an hour, then it make some crunchy noises when I was trying to "jaw" it away. Like you do in an airplane, but with gum. I'm only thinking good thoughts now.

If I talk about my illnesses again, TAKE ME OFF YOUR FAVORITES LIST...I'm serious. I'm getting way too good at this.

Okay, then.

Let's talk about my left over supper I'm making tonight. We had roasted chicken last night with veggies and rice. Soooo... we had a lot of left-overs, and wouldn't you know it...I got a recipe from Kraft Kitchens today in my email, that would utilize all my left overs and make a good meal for tonight. AND, I actually had the rest of the ingredients in me pantry!! I'm some lucky sumofabitch!

So, as my story goes...last night after supper I took off all the meaty parts of that little "clucker" and put them in a bowl, along with the carrots, beans, and rice I had made for supper, and stored them in the fridge. So, today when I got the recipe in my email, I was ready to roll.

It called for:

1 - 14oz can of tomatoes..check
1 - box of chicken Stove Top Stuffing ...check
1 - cup of low fat mozzarella cheese ( I only had cheddar, but f*k it)I checked it off anyway.
1/2 - cup of water.. check
1 - clove of garlic...check
1/2 tsp. - Basil...check
1-1/2 cups of chicken...check, but I added the rice and veggies to it as well.

So, what you do is mix the stove top stuffing with the tomatoes, 1/2 cup of water and garlic ...then let it sit for a bit, until they introduced each other and have made friends. You will know when they are in good place. They start to bond, and it gets a little thick.

THEN... you put your left over chicken bits ..along with the veggies in a casserole dish...top it off with the cheese and slap the stove top stuffing mixture on top. Bake as directed. (there were no directions) ..but I always use 350 when in doubt.

It's in the oven as we speak.

It will either taste like shit...or it might be good. Miracles could happen.

My lens fell out my glasses again today. fortheloveoflenscrafters...I was just coming out of Mr. Sub at lunchtime, walking to my truck..when low and behold..she just popped out of my frame without any warning! And fell in the snow. So, needless to say I was blind. I stopped. Because I didn't want to step on it..and used my good eye to try to spy it. It was kind of funny, because I could feel the wind blowing through my empty lens... it's a strange feeling. Kind of uplifting.

So, I was sort of like that guy in the Christmas story when he almost shot his eye out with his bee bee gun... I couldn't find my lens. I aimed my good eye (that still had a lens) around where I thought it landed. I finally found it right underneath the tire of a SUV parked beside mine. It popped really far! It was gritty and full of dirt. This has been happening for a month now, so I am prepared. I have my old glasses in my purse, just in case. Plus I have my screwdriver kit to fix them. So, when I got back in the truck, I threw my sub on the seat, and tried to find my old glasses in my purse. Not easy with one eye. But they were still in their 2001 pink case. After a lot of groping I found them.

So, now I have to put on these old glasses that are about 4"x4" ..you know the kind we wore in the day. Fortunately my prescription hasn't changed too much, so I could drive with them. I got home, fixed my glasses..AGAIN.. and ate my sub.

Tomorrow, I'm going back to the Optometrist, and get this shit fixed. That little screw just keeps on loosening up. Plus, I could use a new frame. I need a new pair of glasses and a new counter top for my bathroom sink.

Happy trails..until we meet again

see I'm not complaining..I'm a good girl.

Gettin back atter

I've crawled out of my hole. My friend isn't happy with me. Apparently if you "only" have a cold you should not delay any commitments you have made earlier in the week. I won't go into it, but forfucksake give me a break, my head was so full of crap I could hardly think. I didn't bathe for two days, because it hurt to touch my skin. It's really hard when you get ill, and some people expect you to be your perky little self, and just tough it out. Call me a wimp, but I have never had such a bad cold and sinus problems all at one time. And when shit came to shove, I attended the AA meeting.

At least my brother understood, when he called last week inviting us to their house on Saturday, and I had to decline. We will finally be going over there this Saturday to do our Christmas get together. What can I say, they were sick, we were sick, and then we were sick again....it didn't happen.

I was glad to get back to work today, just to get the hell out of here. But, I felt so dizzy most of the day, until 3:00PM and it lifted, and I started to get my shit together. My boss, was very understanding. I was worried about taking two days off in one week. Now I just gotta figure out how to recoup the pay I lost. It will probably screw up my budget at bit.

So, let the rest of January fly out of my life ...really quick. FUCK OFF JANUARY..I hate you!!

My house is a mess. Yes, everything looks neat and all the crap is out of sight, but I know where the dirt is, and it's picking at my brain. I have a stack of accounting to do for Gord's business that would boggle the mind of a CEO. It's carefully stacked on the floor. Waiting for someone who gives a shit to do it. I have no energy. Sick? Depressed? ...awww who the hell knows..but I wish this would just go away.

I can't even conjure up balonie...she went into hiding. I went looking for her while I took Penny out in the back 40 for playtime in the snow tonight. I called for her, but she wouldn't answer. So Penny was left with boring old me. We did the normal playtime...but it wasn't as much fun as when "balonie" rears her head.

I probably just need a good "shit"...you know how bunged up you get with a Tylenol sick week?

Yeah, I'm bunged up.

And most of the shit is in my head.

Time to remove it...oop's I hope I didn't get any on you...heh

(I'm feeling so much better:)

I need to catch a break already...

I've been off work for two days now, and I still feel like a bag of shit. The cold went from my chest to my head, and then it decided to see what my sinuses were doing. It looked around in my nasal area and my right eye, and saw that not much was happening in there, and decided to find a new home. I could feel them tiny buggers, screwing around in there this afternoon, making my eyes hurt, and my nose run. So, I drank a glass of Neo Citran, and said "be gone with you bacterium". Apparently they didn't hear me. So, I took 2 Tylenol. Nadda. So I stuck my head in the oven. It's not gas, so I'm still alive, but I do have some 3rd. degree burns on my face.

I never get sick, well almost never until this last year. The one thing I learned these past two days is that I cannot do "nothing"... I tried laying on the couch today all bundled up with Penny and to watch TV and feel sorry for myself. I couldn't, it was one thing after the other.

We don't usually use our living room other than when people come over, we have a family room upstairs, with recliners to watch TV. But, I needed to lay down to watch TV today. So I had brought all my blankies etc. down there.

...first of all, how do watch TV laying on a sofa, if you wear glasses with progressive lenses?..how? Every time I laid down my head the arms of my glasses would go wonky and my glasses were all lopsided, and I couldn't see shit. As it turned out my head felt like it was starting swell from the sinus infection, so I had to put the arms up way over my ears so I didn't feel like my head was in a vice grip. Along with my bed haid, and my glasses perched in a very precarious position I must have been a sight. BUT, the good news was I was able to watch TV much better with them in that position. Except for the one eye, which had a leak in it and didn't want to see what the other was watching.

..okay then, I could not sleep, and as I was laying there, I started to look at the ceiling, because watching TV was kinda iffy with my glasses. I saw spider webs that had been there since fall...or was that last fall?

..everything was dusty...when was the last time I dusted down here I thought?..my god, people were here at Christmas and saw the dust!!! How did I miss it?

..Dog snot all over the windows ...oy

..Tiny glittery things on the rug from Christmas, or was that last Christmas?

..Mirrors that ...had a glaze on them. When was the last time I cleaned them?

..The fireplace was full of ashes...

So, I said Fuck this, I closed the drapes, and lit some candles in the darkness and watched the TLC network with my one good eye.

Then I began to sneeze! Holy shit...I was just going up to get a glass of juice, when it hit, and it damn near knocked me off my feet! I was like a machine gun went off. So, I packed up my comforter and all the crap on the couch and brought it back upstairs around 6:00PM.

I decided to have a glass of wine, and clean up a bit. You know what, the glass of wine immediately went to work!! It did. I guess wine is dehydrating, and I haven't had to blow my nose since, I quit sneezing and my eye quit watering. Who the hell needs over the counter med's..when you can brew it your basement. So, the moral of the story is...if you have a head cold, and can wait until 6:00PM for relief...I would suggest wine, if not..you could be classified as a drunk.

Gord's side of the sink this cold season


My side of the sink...

Have you ever seen an uglier counter top... I didn't think so.

But, I know this will not last, and I am prepared to sleep on the couch tonight, I can't put Gord through another night of my coughing etc. My ribs are are still so sore from all the hacking last night.

So, once again I'm packing up my comforter and bringing it downstairs. Gord should be home soon .. so I will make a fire (in the fireplace) ...just to clarify. We will order a pizza and I will share my cozy comforter with him till it's time to go to bed. Or when the clock strikes 10:00PM.. zzzzzzzzzz

I got hit again..........

Just after getting over the Christmas flu season......I got a mother of a cold. Fuck, what is it with this shit this year? I know Gordon gave it to me, because he has been coughing in my face for a week. Awwww shit. And it's sooooooooooo cold outside, so, so.. cold you can't imagine. If Penny would have balls, they would have been freeze dried by now. That is how cold she be.

Now with my husky voice, I'm thinking of applying for CANADIAN IDOL, auditions coming to our town next week. ...singing my rendition of "Summertime"...and the living is easy...fish are jumping...and the cotton is high...your momma's rich, and yer daddies good lookin...so hush pretty baby dowwwwwn't you cry. Who says you can't start a new career at 61. No one has discovered me yet...it's all in the presentation. So, I'm going to sing it from the back of a 58 Buick..nakid.

Heh...must be the med's talkin'....time for this balonie to hit the hay. I had a lot of plans for this weekend, but I can see this cold is going to conk me out for sometime to come. It's just starting. And I'm still perkie...but let the phelem begin, and the rest of the shit..... see you on the other side.

Guest host for tonight.I give you....Penny Martin

I'm pissed, I am so pissed I could piss on the rug. I've been holed up in this house for over a week, because it's too cold to go out.

Joan got me a pair..make that two pairs..of doggie boots. (hey I got four legs) I'm not digging them at all. They make my feets go all funny. I feel like prancing and dancing when she tries to put them on me. I can't feel my pads and then I don't know how to walk. So I do a very wierd dance. She seems to enjoy watching it. Because she puts them on me whether we go out or not! She says it just a trial run, for the big day when the temps will finally get down to a reasonable level.

I don't like the sound of velcro strips...snapping and cracking while she tries to figure out how tighten them on my hoffers just so they don't fall off. So, there is nothing left to do other than to bite her. I've had enough shit, I don't give her one of my big bites, I give her the little nip, so she knows the big one will be coming if she don't quit messing wit me paws!!

Actually she's a good maw... I can't complain, she falls for my puppy dog eyes when I want a extra bone, tickles my belly, let's me in the bathroom with her because I don't like that door closed. I have already forgiven the Christmas Moose Antlers and the Santa hat stuff..which both had velcro I may add. So life ain't that bad.

But, I seriously need to smell another dogs ass. And hopefully without a two pairs of doggie booties taped to my paws. Hey, I let her put on the little knitted coat, I don't mind that, because I sorta looked like a biker chick...but the boots..man..that's one step over the line.

It's time for supper..Hot Roast beef sandwiches with gravy and veggies. I know, I already had my supper, but with any luck some of it will come my way...it's all in the eyes!!

Grandma's in the back of the Buick talkin kinda funny

I was watching a stupid movie this afternoon about a Tornado. It was so phony, I had to laugh through out it, but when the kid came up with this line that I used for my title, I pissed my pants. Hey Grandma!! Sorry you got knocked out by 4 barns, a herd of cows, and your house that all came a toppling down on you... and still you only had a small concussion and some red paint on your forehead. And then you talked about angels in the backseat of the Buick. Grandma.

I've done a lot of things in the back of Buick, but talking funny was never one of them. Well...not that I remember.

I was thinking about that today, after the movie. 40 light years ago, Gord and I were in the back of HIS Buick, parked in "lovers lane." Yes, folks that's what they called it back in the day. It was winter. The windows were all fogged up. (you know, because Gord is big on humidity)..anyway there was a lot of activity happening in the back seat of the Buick. Just an aside..if you can't "get a room"..the back seat of a 58 Buick is very comfortable. Trust me.

The car was running, it was warm, and the radio was playing soft love songs while we sipped a little pantie remover (lemon gin). Enough just to take away those teeny weenie inhibitions, that nag at your head.

..I was supposed to be home an hour ago
..We are underage and drinking, what if the cops stop us?
..Does he have a condom
..I hope I don't stink...stuff like that.

The gin worked. And we started in on our activities. When suddenly they was a knock on the window. We couldn't see who it was because the windows were all fogged up, but it was someone with a flashlight. Fuck, it was the cops! Holy shit, we were jumping around like fish out of a tank trying to assemble our selves so we could go to jail fully dressed. It was our town cop "Joe"...we only had one, so we all knew each other. Joe asked Gord to roll down the window. Gord yelled out.."just a minute" as he trying to put his pecker back in his pants....Then hastily, we both somersaulted back into the front seat of Buick, like nothing happened. Bibles in hand. Gord opened the drivers side window, and Joe asked him if we had any car problems, Gord said no, we were just sitting in the car and talking. Joe asked us if we had any liquor in the car. Gord said no, then he asked me, and I said..Oh no, I never drink, as I was trying to hook up my bra just in case we had to go to jail.

Joe told us to go home. And so we did, because we weren't in the mood for doing any more activities that evening. But a week later we found a new spot, and the activities continued.

Joe came back into our lives again about a year later. You see, we had not learned our lesson. Just because we found a new spot, didn't mean he couldn't find us. It was a small town with a lot of lonely roads around it, and he knew what was going on. Not with just us, but all the kids our age who were assholes.

We were "parked" again, but this time with his dad's new 1991 Buick. It was a compact. No more huge back seats. We had to scrunch up to do our activities. The windows once again were foggy, and when we heard the tapping on the windows, we knew it was Joe. But this time we had a six pack of beer in plain sight on the front seat. With 3 of them empty. We went through the same routine, and somersaulted back into the front seat, bibles in hand and opened the window, and asked Joe if there was a problem. Yes, he said, you have open liquor in your car. Okay the jig was up. But then Gord got a brain wave, he threw the 3 bottles of beer in the field. (he was a rebel) Joe didn't blink an eye. We got charged for open liquor in a vehicle. Now...how was I going to explain this to my parents?.... can you see me shitting my pants?????

We had to go to court. We both pleaded NOT GUILTY (because Gord told me to)...god I cannot believe I am telling you this. We won the case because Joe didn't go and pick up the beer bottles from the field so there was no evidence. But, I have always felt so guilty about what he and I did to Joe.

Needless to say, we didn't go around doing "activities" in vehicles after that. We moved to the city and did it when our roomies weren't around. But it wasn't the same. No steamy stuff. No cops, it just wasn't the same.

I can still smell the smell of the Buick, and the excitement of having a boyfriend, and the lust of it all. Every Christmas eve Gord and I used to exchange gifts in the Buick, along with his sister and her boyfriend (we double dated a lot)..and I can still smell the "Signature" Cologne we gave both our guys. It was a magical time and everything was possible. Gord's sister Tessa and I would plan the Christmas eve, and then guys would take us out for a burger and we head out to Neche ND, a small US town across the border, and buy a "mickey of Sloe Gin"...we were under age, but the bar owners never questioned Canadians. Once we got that, we smuggled it back across the Canadian border and went back to our secret country road and had our little Christmas party an opened our presents and listned to Christmas Carols on the radio and talked, until we had to go home.




I think that is why there is so much nostalgia about the cars of the 60's and 70's because we spent a major portion of our time in them doing what we had to. I surprised I am still alive, because this is just one tale, out of many.

I'll save them for another cold night. Hey Grandma!!

And you know what happened???

After the Prince installed the humifier on their furnace, he cranked it to 90% output. Then the Princess started to get a little damp around the panties and wasn't impressed.

This morning it was -37 celcius. I was MF'n cold. But, not only were my panties dripping wet, all the windows and the patio door had huge layers of ice and frost on them ...on the inside of the castle. I'm not used to looking at frost from the inside of the house, usually that happens OUTSIDE. So, I mentioned this to the Prince this morning, and he said he would adjust the settings on the humidifier. I could barely get the patio doors open for Penny's leak this morning..it was full of ice...on the inside of the door!!

I came home for lunch, and saw that all the windows were still totally iced up, and even with this cold that never happens. So, I took matters in me own little hands, went downstairs to the furnace room and checked his setting on the humidistat. He had it at 50%! Fortheloveofductape....The furnace was blowing out so much humid air it was frosting up our house from the inside..out with the cold temps!! I turned that sucker down to 1. By the time I got back to the castle after work, most of the ice had left the windows and doors...and thank God the moat had unthawed so I could drive up to the house. What is it with Prince's who have to crank everything up.... my position would be..start at 5% ...see how it goes and carry on by little increments ..but no..we have to start at 100%..and take it back down. oyvey!

The Prince of "peckerdom" has got himself a very bad cold and cough right now, and I'm sure this humidity is not helping....he says it is, but he is a liar. Unless he like to eat chunks of ice off the windows. Bronchitis...is more like it. God knows what other crap is swilling in the humidity. Prince also doesn't believe in cleaning the furnace ducts....or the fireplace. It's all a money grab says he.

Well, one day the Prince of "peckerdom" will fall off his throne, and this Princess will throw the doors of the castle wide open, and say..."I told you so." ..and then jump in the moat with her dog and swim away. Wait!...there should be a draw bridge...that you lift with ropes and such...so we won't have to swim..yikes I wasn't looking forward to swimming. And I might just slam that sucker down on my way out.

I'm not mad at him or anything, but when he gets on one of these projects it's makes every nerve in my body tighten. He's like a Rottie, that won't give up the bone.

So, when he comes home tonight with his hacking cough, nasal congestion..whatever..I will rub him down with "Vicks" make him some hot supper, appear sympathetic and lock the room to the furnace.

It's a coping mechanisim.

The Princess wins.

Delurk

DELURK ... or I will come over there and wipe that smirk off your face!

And if I don't hear from you, I will have to come to the conclusion that you really aren't there, and this blog has been a major waste of my time. Boo hoo! I know!

We lived to see the morrow

And now we are dampened with humidity due to our new humidifier. I tried to light a fire with two twigs in the living room, and as hard as I rubbed them together, no fire they would make. So, I guess the danger has passed, and we will now be damp for the rest of the year. It kind of puts a "damper" on things, because, now..what will I bitch about?

...ewww my skin is dry
...my nose is stuffed up
...everything "sparks" when I touch it
...we have no mould, I need mould... could you put in a humidifier?
...my hairs are standing straight up on top of my haid and sparking
...all my clothes are clinging to me, and showing off my raisin sharp figure
...my wine is drying out
...the dog has dand"ruff"
...my eyes are dry
...I make roast beef and it comes out as beef jerky

I had major concerns, and now THAT we have the state of the art humidifier, I have more concerns:

...what if it gets too wet in here?
...what if we get mould?
...I feel damp in the mornings
...I miss sparking
...My eyes feel damp, my eyelashes are sticking to my cheeks for god's sake
...The dog feels clammy and stinks
...all my clothes feel wet
...my hair is flat
...my nose is too runny
...my wine tastes too moist
...I really enjoyed that beef jerky we had last week..now we can't have that anymore!

Fortheloveofhumidity...how does he think my friend Zelda Rottencrotch happened on to her malaise...dampness I say! Dampness. Just ask anyone who lives in a castle. Case closed.

Would you want to be my life partner? I don't think so. Lets just wait till he puts in the air purifier.

I'm sticking to my chair already, I swear.. and I smell mould.. I need a shrink! But if you look at it logically, a "shrink" would only be a guy who did not have a humdifier!!

The next thing he will be installing in our house will be a "balonie be gone"...so he can get a little peace and quite. No more drama. No more bitching. I plan to leave tapes of my whining before I die, just so he knows how to do it right.

balonie...over and out.

I have been lax

I have to start reading your blogs, but I have been side tracked.

Indiebloggers.org is the culprit.

You can join and send them a blog entry and it might be published. Or you can choose to read those that are already up. I found it very interesting. Some of them may be partly truth and partly fiction, but it makes for some interesting reading.

Gord is in the basement. Installing a humidifier in our gas furnace. Say a prayer, because I'm just waiting for the BIG BANG! Paying reliable installers is not in his vocabulary....let's just see if we live till the morrow.....If you see my ass fly over your house ( you will know mine..it has sensible panties on it..but a litte worn looking) (Gord's has tattered but expensive Fruit of the Looms shorts) and Penny has brown fur around her rectum. How could you miss us?

We will be singing some songs from the "Sound of Music." Our hills are alive. But our asses might be toast. Just a warning. heh..

My oh my Penny! dog post

This dog has my number. Remember back to the storm a week ago Saturday?...when Penny lost her favourite ball outside under the deep dark snow? It twas a week of sadness that made her ears and tail go limp. Life was no long worth living. So, on Saturday I went out on a mission to find the SAME ball (because it always has to be the same fricking ball) to perkin up her ears and tail. I was so sick and tired of looking at those sad huge brown eyes.

I went to Petland, not much luck there, but they had a ball the squeaked with very much the same tones that "Rolly Pollie" had, but it was green and had some knobby things on it. I bought it anyway. I have been trying to get her to play with some old toys, but they weren't balls and nothing would do for the poor little spoiled brat. So, not quite convinced that this ball was going to make her ears and tail perk up again, I went to Zellers. This is where I always get her red, white and blue squeaky balls from after she chews the hell out of them and they no long squeak. I had been there once before but all the shelves were empty after Christmas. I was hoping a new shipment of Rolly Pollies had come in. Very much so.

I went to the doggie isle, and nope, notta one. As I walked all the way to end and went around the corner, I noticed they had an end cap, with toys and coats, and bones and everything a spoiled brat would ever want.........and Rollie Pollies (3) of them. Red/white/blue and all squeaked in the manner she is accustomed to. Score. I bought two of them. I left the last one for a little girl who said her dog loved them too. But I noticed later she left it on the shelf, and chose a really ugly one. I am sure her dog will be pissed.

Anyhow, I took it home. When I got in the door, she came running and smelling my bags (the plastic one's) heh...and went ballistic. She knew Rolly Pollie was in there. I always make her wait a minute or two before I unveil the new ball..because she gets so excited and tries to do every trick she has ever been taught at one time. She sat pretty, she danced, she tried to roll over, but that one has never been perfected, she "spoke" very loudly, chased her tail, and then finally I gave it to her. She loves nothing more when I take it out of the plastic bag..the anticipation is like watching a kid at Christmas. Of course it is stapled up in another plastic bag and I have to get all the crap off, while she is doing "high jumps"... trying to get it away from me. But, I have the washing rule..because they stink like oil or something, and I wash it before she gets to play with it. This drives her into a frenzy, because I say "Rolly Pollie" needs a bath".. by this time I have pretty well given the dog heart failure, it's so exciting.

I brought the ball to the patio door to throw it in the back yard for her to fetch, she tripped over the rug, ran around in 50 circles and got all messed up in the rug. I untangled her from the mess, threw out the ball, and she bee lined it out there like she was being chased by the devil. Two minutes later, ball in mouth, she was back, and we did it 40 more times. Ears were up, tail was up..life was good.

Next morning. She was hanging around our utility closet (where I had stashed the other two balls) She could smell them!! And now she wanted them all. She slept in front of the closet, she dug at the closet, she whined in front of the closet. So, on Sunday I thought I would give her the ugly one I got from Pet Land that she would never like. Ohhhhhh yeah, she went through the process of dancing etc. again, and then the washing of the balls. And she was going ballistic like she really liked this ball. I threw it out the patio door to the yard for her to fetch and she bee lined it out again. She was out there for some time and I wasn't paying much attention, finally I let her snowy face in....... and what did she come in with...... the old stinking "rolly pollie" that had apparently been lost for a whole week under a snow bank. How could we not find that before???? What were her motives?? She is the devil in disguise. I swear she is smarter than me..well that wouldn't take much. I'm such a sucker!!! As we speak, she is sitting in front of the Utility closet, waiting for that last one to appear. It's not gonna happen bitch...you are going to have to chew the hell out of these two before you are going to get that last one. AND.. I felt sorry for her???

Thinking back

I didn't photoshop this picture, because it just didn't seem right. It's my mom and her brother Jake when they were little in the 1920's. They were always very close, because they were the first two of five children to be born to the family on the farm. Mom and uncle Jake were very much alike, they both went through the dirty 30's before the other children were born. They remembered the shortage of food, water and lack of education that followed. And they remembered the grasshoppers that killed all the crops for many a summer. Grandpa could not make a living on the farm anymore, and started a garage in their community. They lived on assistance from their parents and whatever was at hand. But, even the small town was not able to accomodate all those in need, that were devistated by the drought. Mom, by this time was 13, and was sent out to work for richer farmers as a nanny and live in help, and had to bring all her earning home to help the family. In those days there were a lot of immigrants who had moved to Canada, and lot of them that settled in our area were Jewish. These were the people she worked for. She had to learn how to keep Kosher, she had to learn how to do things in the Jewish tradition. She always said it was very interesting, but a very hard experience because the ways were so different. One thing she always said, was they couldn't talk amongst themselves about her, because yiddish is very close to low german and she could understand what they were saying. But, being away from family all week and only having Sundays off to see them was hard. In between all this Grandma had 3 more children. When times got better and the economy came back, Grandma and Grandpa moved away to the city. Grandpa had got a job at a aircraft factory before the war. Mom stayed back. She had met Dad, and they married in 1938.

I am reminded of this now because of the Christmas season. She used to tell us of their Christmas mornings. Sometimes there was nothing. Grandma would try to find a chicken for supper, and bake bubbat for a treat if she had enough flour and raisins. Sometimes there was a small box for each of them with an orange in it and some hard candy and peanuts. They loved it. It was so exciting to get that small gift. Later on they would go to their grandparents house, and get another orange and some peanuts. She even remembered when things started to pick up in the ecomomy, when her mom got her a pair a nylons for Christmas. You know the one's with the sexy seam in the back. She said she had to be so careful not to put a "run" in them and treated them like gold. She washed them with so much care, and tried not to snag them. And if they got a run she would put some glue on it so it wouldn't get any further, and tried to hide it.

These memories make me feel so inadequate, so greedy, so yuck. I had the best of times, no shortage of food, education ...everything...and I totally bitch about every fucking thing. And now, I thew out some cookies that my mom would have died for. What does that say about us. Or me? I think I need a wake up call, to be more grateful for what I have, instead of whining inside my big overblown head.

That is my New Year's resolution.

Au Contrare Januar

Au Contrare Januar. It's a good thing I am fluent in French or I would be second guessing my spelling...yeah like you believe that pile of horseradish.

I no likey you Januar' ... take a leak someplace else. I want now my Februar'..so I can get on with spring. You remember in October when I was madly in love with winter, well stuff that! I just wanted to make winter templates, it had nothing to do with the weather. There you got it folks, I am a phoney balonie!

You knew that.

You are my conscience.

But, I will probably tell you another little white lie, when it suits me. Because, that is what I do best, along with burying my head in the sand when it is convenient. I've been digging this hole for sometime now, and I can't get to China, I always end up right back where I started. Funny that. Right back where I started oy!

...........

Speaking of cookies. Do you know how many of our neighbours and friends gave us cookies this yule tide season? I love all my neighbours. Let's not get that wrong, but we seem to be their drop off centre for old cookies. Dear friends and neighbours, try to make your Christmas cookies in December instead of making them in June and freezing them for the yule tide season. I know you like to get ahead of the game, but comeon!!!... I had to dispose of a few batches, with a few tears, but we couldn't eat them, and now I have to go to your house and return the pretty trays you brought them in ... and be a phoney balonie, and say they were delicious. I hope you didn't see them in the garbage. Please don't torture me again next year. If you like us, just come over with some pretzels.

...and I don't even like cookies. That is the saddest part. I have a hard time eating something that has 2 cups of margarine, 1 cup of sugar, a cup of flour and some rancid nuts in it. Makes my tummy sore.. and my HDL flys sky high.

Now, am I not only a phoney balonie, I am an ungrateful balonie. I'm off to flog myself, because I deserve a licking!!! Someone spank me!! heh

Just farting around

Spring has sprung!! Oy.......... this is a very strange weather pattern. I still have 4 feet of snow in the back yard, but now it is wetter than a full pamper. And just as heavy. I got my cardio workout back there this evening trying to make more paths for Penny to walk through. That little shyster is too stinking short. She is doing her dirty work all around the perimeter of the patio, and it's looking a might gross. I can't even pick it up because it's sticking on the hard snow. We still cannot find her fav ball. But it is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

My tummy talks. Does yours? Today coming home from work I think it said, grrrrreat!, then it said, farrrrr out! And it yodeled... yodelayehehe! So, what was left? I had to square dance to the music. Which was kind of hard because I was driving. It must have been the beans I had for lunch. Remind me to cut that out. I'm not "that" lonely that I have to have a conversation with my innards. Opps, I just got another message, Pa rump a pum pummmmmmmmmmb, I think it's code for "you are going to shit your pantaloons." ... nope, nothing there. God save the queen!

It's the New Year..like you didn't know. Any resolutions? Nay me. I break em before I make em. I was thinking that we would go on a real vacation this year, like Wally World or something. Gord and I have RV'd before, with little success. Yes, we did the dance. We tried to RV before our time. I like to think of that time as pioneers trying to break the mode, and RV when you have absolutely no fucking time, and almost go broke trying to pay for the sucker. We were only 40 years old. You have to be 90! We didn't get it at the time. We could only use the motor home on weekends because we worked, and only in the summer because we didn't get the part....you have to be retired to travel in the winter. But, even though we lost our shirts on it, the part I loved the most is we always took my mom and dad with us and travelled around to campsites in Manitoba. But, in reality it was stupid. Like most things we do.

This year I would like to fly someplace. First I have to get some med's that will let me do that.....

hey my tummy just talked again...it seems to be saying cheeeringgching! With a distinct high note at the end. But still no accident, good for me.

Okay, back to flying someplace. I don't have as much of a problem getting on a plane and flying somewhere, as I do visiting people when I get there. I am not a good visitor. I need my safety nets, and my space. Like a hotel room with room service.

So, I would like to fly someplace where I know not a soul. Rent a car, see the sites, have a good time, take pictures and come home relaxed. But, I can tell you already that wish is not going to happen if I leave it up to the Mr. I have got me a trillion Air Miles, and I intend to use them very soon. I wasn't to sure how to go about it, but Balonie surfaced....and she has plans that will make his last hair on his haid curl!! I will do updates if I can get this plan hatched.

Just got another message from below...it's time to take this party to the bathroom...

Beans!!! ..sorry Kat ..just stole that for a minute.

heh, I did it again!

This gal has some really nice templates. And, again I am having a little trouble with the code. I can't seem to put pictures in my side bar, but that will be overcome.

I just finished making tenderloin stew. Are you calling me crazy? Well, nevermind. Gord bought such a huge piece of tenderloin yesterday, it practically walked into the house. So, tonight I just wanted veggies and more veggies, I am so tired of all the other stuff, and what was left of it I included in my stew. It smells divine.

Penny lost her favorite ball in the back yard after all the snow came. She is despondent. No other ball will do. I thumped around through the back yard hoping for the familiar squeak, but to no avail. The snow is about 4 feet deep. I'm sure once the temps get milder she will find it, but right now it's too cold for her ... and too deep for her to even start looking.

Just a funny story that happened on Saturday. I was going to Safeway to get some groceries, and when I got to the top of the street and started to turn left, I noticed my damn blinkers weren't working AGAIN! It was making a really fast clicking sound just like the last time, when they and my brake lights went South. When I got to Safeway I wanted to check to see if the back brake lights and blinkers were working. But, of course you can't put your foot on the brake pedal and twist like a pretzel to see if they are. I saw a guy coming out of Safeway, who was going past my truck, and I asked him if he could check to see if my brake lights and blinkers were working. He looked very annoyed, but he said "hit the brake"...I did, and he said everything was working. I even asked him twice! For some reason I didn't believe him, but I went into Safeway and did my shopping. When I came back out it was nearly dark, and I thought I would be able to see if my brake lights were working if I pumped them, but I couldn't. Then I saw a bunch of Chinese students walking across the parking lot (our Safeway is close to the University of Manitoba) and they shop there a lot. I ran out and asked them if they could tell me if my brake lights came on when I pushed on the brake. They looked a little confused, but were very willing to help. I jumped into the truck and pushed on the brake and felt a rocking motion....WTF.... Oh, man ....when I got out they were all trying to push my truck out of the snow!!! HAAAAAAA... it was so funny. I didn't realize they didn't understand me. So, I pointed to my tail light, and made hand gestures that would suggest something should go ON! They all nodded. So, I got back in my truck, and hit the brake. When I got back out...they nodded to the left brake light, and shook their head to the right one. I also have a brake light on top of the back window of the truck, and they even pointed to that one with a "nod." That made my day!!! It was all sign language, but they were willing to help in any way. God bless em.

Tomorrow, it's back to work. I am looking forward to it, too much time couped up in the house makes for a very depressed balonie. I seriously have to go to the doctor and take care of some of my mood swings. I go from being very optimistic to spinning very dark yarns in my head. And I can't stop it. But, once I get back to work and get focused I am sure I will feel better. Normally, I would have thought this time off would have been a blessing, but it has been just the other way around.

So much for 2006... let's hope 2007 get better.