If I could be....

Well, Joe I will try to do this for ya. By the way I'm nominating you for the Noble Prize...I love the responses you gave on your blog. For some reason, I cannot comment on anyone's blog. It started last weekend and I still can't. Anyone know what might be the problem? I emptied my temp files etc..but nada. I have no problem with it a work, so it's my computer at home problem.

If I could be a scientist
If I could be a farmer
If I could be a musician
If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter
If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary
If I could be a chef
If I could be an architect
If I could be a linguist
If I could be a psychologist
If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete
If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an inn-keeper
If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer
If I could be a llama-rider
If I could be a bonnie pirate
If I could be an astronaut
If I could be a world famous Blogger
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world
If I could be married to any current famous political figure

Sorry, I won't be able to give serious answers ..it's too early to start drinking!
BTW..how come they left out 'If I could be an underpaid' Office Manager '( I have a lot to say on that subject)

1. If I could be a writer..
I sure as heck wouldn't be blogging and not be getting paid for it.

2. If I could be a chef:
I would follow in the footsteps of the greats .. like Emeril Lagasse..now that guys a piece of work isn't he?
The only BAM on my show would be me shooting him in the left shoulder. I don't actually like to kill celebrity chefs, I prefer to "graze" them, so they can back for another week and bore the shit outta everyone.

If I could be a chef for real. I would be the NAKED CHEFFESS. Now the guy who does The Naked Chef, is a dirty rotten liar, because when y0u go to his web site...hims got all his clothes on fortheloveofmike!! I was getting all excited and stuff, and there is his picture with all hims clothes on...**&^#$ somoabitch! I on the other hand ...as THE NAKED CHEFFESS.. WOULD BE NAKED ...you would be seeing my rotund little belly all speckled up with little red spots where da grease hit me from the fryin pan and such. It would be reality cooking at it's finest. You'd see ole pieces of lettuce hanging from my ample boobs, smudged up with a little ketchup and stuff, whilst I whip up a big pot of "sloppy joes"...(no pun intended Joe). AND, on my Web-Site I would be bare nekid, not wearing a turtleneck sweater and smiling funny. No one would come away feeling a ripped off ..it would be WYSIWYG TV.

3. If I could be an athlete: I would be dead. I have unopened boxes of rowing machines, stair climbers, etc. still sitting in my closet. I don't have the strength to open em. You see, it's all in the marketing, you order this stuff from the store, and it's all put together and shit. And, you think "how hard can it be to assemble this at home?" Well, I can't even open the friggin boxes! Therefore, If I could be an athlete... I would be able to open a box of sports equipment. Nuff said.

4. If I could be a musician: I wouldn't have an audience. Does "Tone Deaf" give you a hint. I can't hold a tune nor can I hold a beat. I'm always snapping my fingers to the music...in the wrong places. When I dance, I am still dancing a few minutes after the song is over, because I am still trying to catch up to the beat. In school, the teachers did not discriminate if you could not hold a tune in choir...all they did is take you aside and tell you to "mouthe" the words and pretend to be singing...fuckers.. and that made me sing even louder..dinks.
If I could be a real musician I would probably combine my talents and sing whilst I was cooking in my Naked Cheffess show.

5. If I could be a Librarian: I would make it a rule that all the books were filed in Alphabetical order...or do they do that now? NOT by author...because if I don't know who wrote the book, how will I ever find it. I would make another rule...no sssshhhing...I loves to talk in a library...farting, and belching are just plain rude, I wouldn't allow that, but talking must be allowed. I would also see to it that all the Librarians take thier broomsticks outta their asses and don't be throwing me "those looks" when I explain ...very politely mind you... that my books are not overdue...they are just a day or two late. Pregnant women get "overdue", books don't.