Why is it?
I NEVER EVER have all the ingredients to make a meal. There is always something missing! I must be missing a "planning" gene. I spend more money on gasoline going to the store and getting that one missing ingredient than I do on groceries...why is that? Right now I am hungry for an apple pie, I scoured my cupboards and all I have is the pie plate... no apples...no tenderflake...no nuttin.
Why is it?
When my girlfriends come over on Saturday for "Attitude Adjustment" hour, they leave with the same attitude they came with. I didn't particularity care for their attitude on Saturday as we were sitting outside on the deck. Am I invisible? They spend so much time talking to each other they didn't even notice me chewing my toenails. I got a brief nod when I brought out the snacks, and then they just kept on talking like I wasn't there. I tried to cut into the conversation a few times, but obviously they did not want to discuss the "Theory of Relativity." So, just to annoy them whilst there were deep in conversation about THEIR JOBS, I would jump up and yell..LOOK, THERE IS AN OWL! They paused for a moment and said WHERE?.. Oops, I say, you just missed it. And they went right back to their conversation. So, I went out into the garden and turned the hose on them. Dirt bags!!
Why is it?
My neighbours only mow their lawns when I am trying to sleep or sitting out on the deck relaxing. Apparently, my dirty looks are going unnoticed. I must be more creative. Yesterday when the girls came over, we had just sat down on the deck, and the entire neighborhood started their lawnmowers in unison. Pricks. And just when you think they are finished, and there is finally peace in the valley, out comes the weed eaters and the leaf blowers! I'm taking a sign language course this fall. I had planned on taking HTML for Incredibly Stupid People, but I think I will be better served taking sign language. At least then I can sign FUCK YOU IDIOTS..Without any flack. It would also come in handy when the girls come over and ignore me, as I am talking to myself anyway.
Why is it?
I have a full gas tank when the price of gas is low, and NO gas when it hits 1.00/litre. Again, I think it is my missing "planning" gene coming into play. Mr. Big Horking Van uses about 90.00 worth of gas on cheap fuel, it cost over 100.00 bucks to fill up on Friday. Highway robbery. Take a bus you say...uhhh I don't think so. That is why God made big horking vans. I will try to drive a little faster so I will save on gas. Isn't that how it works? Perhaps, I am missing a few other pertinent genes as well.
Why is it?
When you get a little older, your toe nails harden like cement. I was going to go for a pedicure this weekend (I had a coupon), but decided against it.. they probably don't have an axe. Instead I went to Wal Mart and bought a pair of heavy duty nail clippers. I could prune a tree with that baby. I saved myself the price of pedicure and did it all my little self. My shoes are now noticeably too large, as my nails were about an inch long. I make a sloughing noise when I walk. Sandals are out of the question, as my toe nails look like something out of a slasher movie. Did you know that you can tell time by your feet? Yes you can. I put nail polish on my tootsies once a year in spring. By summer it is half gone, and I know it's Christmas when it has all grown out. The toes are a handy dandy time indicator if one doesn't own a watch and a calendar.
Why is it? you ask
Haven't I wrapped up this blog entry. Because, internet, I have more universal questions that need answers.
Why is it?
I can never find the lids to my plastic containers. I have 456 containers without lids or with unmatched lids. Where do these lids go? Common sense would suggest to you that when you wash them, you would place both the lid and the container in the same place. Once again, I am being swayed to point to the missing gene, BUT after having done extensive research in my gene pool I cannot come up with any indication that members of my family were missing the "lid" chromosome. However, I did have a few uncles who didn't have their lids tied on quite tight enough, but not enough to suggest it would affect an entire generation. It's a confusing world out there.
Why is it?
There are questionable devices on my toilet tank. Appears to be a rusty pair of pliers, a screw driver and a nut driver. Maybe after Gord finished fixing the toilet he left them there for future use. The pliers could be used to pull resistant toilet paper from your arse, and the nut driver...hmmm I don't even want to go there, and the screw driver goes without saying.
Why is it?
I cannot seem to quit smoking...I hate myself, and again I am peeking into the gene pool...they all smoked, each and every one of them except my grandma. I have smoked since birth. My mom & dad smoked when I was born, and I had smoke all around me forever. I started my own habit when I was 18. I want to quit so bad, yet I just get crazy thinking about it. I am going to get the "patch" next week..just writing this makes me want to smoke. Who invented smoking anyway? Dumb asses. Gord doesn't smoke, and I go through hoops to keep the house smoke free in summer..but in winter, I succumb to smoking somewhere inside, because it is fucking cold. I know there is no magic, but if my gene theory is correct ...we are a bunch of weak kneed people. My dad quit when he was 65 but my mom never did and she was 82 and died of breast cancer. All this talk of lung cancer has not escaped balonies ears...she is a thinking..over and over...and needs a swift kick to the butt.
Why is it?
I can quit writing..........okay I is done like dirt.
I'm off to make supper, mushroom meatloaf, spuds, and fresh veggies, with a side of "half crazy" cucumbers. Mom used to always make them..and I luvs them. We called them "half crazies"..because we didn't actually can them, we just put them in a big jar and heated up vinegar, dill and garlic, poured it over top and use them quickly over a week or so...it's like going home again.
I wonder if I have balonie in my jeans..oops genes.
No comments:
Post a Comment