Lube Job without warranty

Remember when I "overtalked" about my lame cold and flu at great lengths..now I'm doing it again with the weather.
Sue me.

It was SO cold today, some of my spinal fluid leaked out of my body, and I couldn't walk until I got an oil change, and a lube job. I was very surprised when I went to my doctor/mechanic and they asked me to get up on the hoist and lay face down...huh?

I laid face down as directed. So they could get to see all my parts... I guess.

As I was being checked over by my doctors/ mechanics, I could hear them making notes on all the work they might have to do on me.

Dave: Her transmission seems to be a little sluggish man...we can make her go in "forward," but we can't get her into "reverse." Balaji..what are you seeing at you end?

Balaji: I can see this woman has plenty of flesh, what are you thinking Dave, should we do some laparoscopic procedures...she's got lots of ummm fat? That could be making her sluggish. We could save some of it for our oil changes.

Dave: Balaji! Hold it man! That's against the law!

Balaji: Not in my country!

Dave: Okay, man..than just do it. It can hurt.

Balaji: Okay Dave, but I have to test the rest of her first, I see that her tires are bald and the nipples need changing. They don't seem to be holdin air anymore!

Dave: How many miles do you think she's got on her Balaji?

Balaji: Dave, I'm guessing 300,000 clicks. She is definately out of warranty.

Dave: OKAY...then we can charge her the big bucks!! What else do you see back there?

Balaji: It appears that her "rear end" needs a little work. I hear some grinding noises.

Dave: Man, that doesn't sound good! Looks like she's been around the block a few times Balaji.

Balaji: Dave, you should be down here, you should see her "drive train!!" It's missing a few cogs Davie boy.

Dave: Okay Balaji....let's bring her down, I guess it's time to give her the bad news!

Balaji: She's coming down Mr. boss!!

Dave: Balonie, do you know you are just about worn out?

Balonie: SAY'S WHO?

Dave: Balaji said you are.

Balonie: Davie, hon, "come a little closer boy", "and bring that chickpea sucking chickenshit idiot Balaji with you!"

Dave: Balonie, just keep your knickers on...

Balonie: I'm warning you Davie, alls I came in here for was to get my oil changed and a lube job, and you two "stumpholes" made it your beeswax to give me the "once over." If I would have wanted the "once over" I would have just looked in the mirror, you stinking little turds!!

Dave: It was all Balaji's idea!!!

Balaji: Ohhhh, Ms. Balonie, no need to be so upset...in my country we always check out our women on a hoist. First have to make sure they have all their parts intact, so when the wedding night comes, we know we are driving the right car.

Balonie: DAVE get out of the oil changing pit, I see you hiding in there and I'm coming after you.. you little grease monkey. BALAJI phone your wife, and tell her you will never have anymore children, because I just found the vice grip.

Dave & Balaji: ..crying like little girls: Ms. Balonie, don't hurt us, we were just trying to put you back together in good shape.

Balonie: Oh yeah, like you guys care! You knew my warranty was up, so you started to look for bigger problems....all I asked for was an oil change and a lube job, and I want it right NOW!

Dave & Balaji: Ms. Balonie, where do you want it?

Balonie: I. DON'T. KNOW. You are the experts!!

Dave & Balaji: (still crying like little girls) We don't want to touch you!

Balonie: Okay, you two pussies....give me a can of oil and a can of lube ..."to go"...and I will figure out where to put it, you stupid assholes!

Dave & Balaji: Ohhhhhh Ms...we are so grateful, it will never happen again.

Balonie: Damn right it won't. Okay, then...just don't tell "Ford", I was here, because as far as they are concerned I still have warranty, even though I turned my odometer back ... just a smidge. No need to tell them.

Dave & Balaji: Our lips a zipped. Just don't close us up in the oil pit again.

So....

I'm watching those two...and if the oil and lube doesn't work on my body parts, I'll be putting them back in the hole. Maybe not just me...I might get Andie Pandie to help. I hear she has some mean moves. And she don't take no shit.

Be afraid you two morons.