Why I was never an English major.

I have great admiration for "Fussy" a blog that is so well written and funny and when I see her words I wish the words could be typed out by me. Writing well is the best revenge is her motto. I have failed her since I found her blog years ago...but that hasn't stopped me from typing out stuff that has been written with abandonment and without any real sense of structure.  Just off the top of my head stuff.   I have never bought one of her T shirts that say "writing well is the best revenge" because I don't want to lie.  I write from my heart and hope for the best. 

She doesn't seem as scary as all the other A list bloggers, she is pretty down to earth.

Tonight she wrote a blog  that was special to me.  She wrote words that I have been looking for forever.  Everyone is dying before I finished loving them.   I know how she feels, because I have a lot of unfinished business myself.

So thanks Eden.  It makes me feel better just to know the words.  I'm sure she never reads my blog, but if she ever does I hope she knows how much that sentence means to me.


OKAY....OFF TO MY NONSENSE:


I thought I would go through my blog for the past year and pick out a few sentences I wrote for each month. I was more than shocked at the numerous times I have used the word "Ass."  Seriously, what gives?  What is the obsession with hind quarters?  I must reevaluate my blog writing skills because this is down right repetitive and somewhat shocking.  I seem to have a genuine interest in the lower extremities.



January:


My surprise casserole tasted like ASS. Like a donkey's ass. It was edible, but KD and real food should never meet. I should have just made stew. Damit.




Dumb. But we never saw anything until after Christmas...when Gord once again jumped out of the bed and thought he pissed himself. Then we had a clue.... Clue and Clueless then came to a decision that there was a hole in their waterbed. Children of the sixties... scary. You never know when you are getting a flash back

On inspection day, Gord will open the door of the house, I will follow and kick him in the ass. On leaving the house Gord will follow me and kick me in the ass. Fair.




February:


That's all I got. Time to go and eat a chicken. Not squirrel ... can't catch that bastard.


What is your name: Joanie Balonie
What is your real name: I SAID Joanie Balonie!..okay it's Joanie Balonie full of macaroni...are you happy now meme? jeez.




March:


You could make a nice roast with the big guys rump.


Bill Gates, I got you in my sites. Don't you move sucker. Nah...s'not Billy's fault.... just a FATAL ERROR. and my Libra side says....okay be nice ...but my dark side still says shoot the bastard.




balonie....taking time to make your life a better place.



April:


So, what's up with me? Not to much...just waiting until the end of the month. I'm looking into taking some courses this summer. You know the old lady shit. When I retire, such as synchronized farting.

Just when you are trying to be funny, it comes back and bites you in the ass.


Every time I write that I feel like peeing.






May:




She was facing my ass.


I could have spit on her.


Balonie...is going to blow some smoke up a few asses around here. Now that's she's got a few minutes of time.




June:

I think retirement is making me a little ..err crazy. I am enjoying fooling wildlife. I think there is something wrong with that.


They gave me strained smiles.




Update: I am still painting Gord's shop. Downdate: He is pissing me off.




July:




Hopefully there will be fresh piss and shit for you to smell ... little one.


So, here we are at Monday again, and I can't figure out what new thing to do. I think might draw whiskers on my face with my eyebrow pencil. I'll let you know how that goes.

I was a dumb fuck. Seriously.


August:


I thank all the family who came over last night for Attitude Adjustment Hour....... and gave her the cheese when I told them not to give it to her. I have saved the shit and will put it in a zip lock bag ....and they will all see it again at Christmas. I will rename it..Joan's Tootsie Roll Delight. I might even add some nuts. It will in their Christmas stocking.


Oh look, I have two legs. If I put one foot in front of the other I could walk to the store.

I am sitting on the cusp. And it's making a dent in my ass.


September:




I need someone to blow some good vibes up my ass....or I will never make it up those stairs.


I fried my feet.

 I slipped right out of her car. Like a floppy old fish

Why did I think they would be pretend doors? Because I'm stupid, that's why. It hurts when you try to walk through them.



October:




Sometimes I want to reach up to him and wring his stupid neck...and say...go left you asshole.....but I let nature take it course.   I'm cool with that.



I really wish Gord would get friends that had better taste.


....I know I'm such a dink. 


November:




I find it really weird that people who are retired get up early.




But I have been screwing around with laundry day...even if it means ..ya gotta wear the old panties in the bottom of the pantie drawer that don't have any elastic left in them...yes I get wedgies...and sometimes they fall down in my sweat pants...but they are clean. I have to admit that sometimes I don't realize they have fallen down until I want to climb the stairs...and my legs seem to be a little shorter than I remembered.




....but I think you could tie this pizza to the boots of someone in the mafia...and sink him.




December:


So I'm guessing we have to pray to a higher power...because this guy does not give a hairy rats ass.


I remember it was  a Tuesday, you know the day that Elsie got her toe removed.  Or was it a Wednesday?  Well who the "F" cares weather it was a Tuesday or a Wednesday...get on with it. 

Ho Ho...Merry Christmas to me. 

Happy New Year to all my friends!

The day after the day after the day of ................

A picture of the girls with the hats Auntie Joanie gave them.  It's kind of hard to see because they are black.  But they loved them...or so they said.  Nahhh they like em. 

I have other pictures of  the other kids, but I dare not put them on here because ... some people have rules about publishing pic's of their kids.  I will respect that.  oop's I almost said Anal.  Nevermind.

Yesterday I found a digital camera card in the snow while I was coming out of Safeway.  I picked it up,brushed off the dirt and snow and stuck it my purse.  When I got home I put it my camera to see if I could find any indication of the owner. It was a 4 gig card and there was a lot ... I mean a lot of pictures in it.  I went through most of them and figured it was a Phillipeno family who lives here in Winnipeg. The first  pictures were of a very sick older man with his wife at his side in the hospital.  Lots of them as he seemed to be going through some kind of procedure.  Then you saw his casket....and then the funeral and after that the commemoration at his grave.  And after that there were hundreds of pictures of family etc.  Graduations, summer activities and so much more.  I felt so bad they had lost this.  I'm not sure if they had downloaded the pictures to there computer and not deleted them from the card or not.  I only had one clue on the pictures that they belonged to a Las Pinas Association here in Winnipeg.  But I couldn't find it in the phone book.  So today I emailed our local "talk radio" station CJOB and asked for some help in locating the owners. 

I hope someone comes forward if the station does broadcast it.  If not, I'm sitting here with Grandpa and his last days..  very sad. 

balonie

What the heck?

I just had 4 very wholesome teenagers at my front door.  When I went down to answer the door I thought they were late carolers.  When I opened the door, all four of them tried to give me pamphlets and wanted to know if Jesus was my savior.  I was astounded, I stood there for a moment and didn't know what to say.  I felt intimated.  The leader of the group would not let me get a word in edgewise....she wanted to KNOW if Jesus was my saviour.  I said sorry it's none of your business.... I closed the door.  She said Merry Christmas.......well hells bells...They had badges on their jackets indicating they were from some kind of Holy Faith group...but so what.  Religion is a very personal and private part of my life and I sure don't want to be discussing that with you at my front door.  It all looked surreal...if I would have continued the conversation they would have probably tried to convert me to their church...or maybe sell me some Rachael Rae pots and pans.

Crazy...

Well Gord's family was over yesterday.  We had the lasagna dinner.  It was crappy.  I burned the garlic toast...the salad was sloppy....Trifle dessert was good because my niece made it.   I hope I can do better next year.  Everyone was in my kitchen....which is very small and it makes me very nervous.  GO AWAY people and let me do my stuff.  Gord was the worst offender because he decided that the lasagnas were not warm enough and kept on putting them back in the oven .....when I needed the oven to make the garlic toast.  By the time we got the fricking lasagna on the table I turned the oven on high...and burned the toast............

Then last night I had acid reflux for the first time.  Holy moley that hurts.  I woke up with this hot crap in my throat and thought I was going to choke.  I had too much rich stuff to eat last night, which I am not used to...plus that "Trifle" which I ate just before going to bed.  oy oy.  A couple of Rolaids's did the trick, but I never will eat crap like that again.  I put way to much cheese in the lasagna.  Three kinds.  And lots of it.

The kids had a great time again.  Except this year their favorite place "the rec room" was empty because we have stored it all away.  That meant they had to "be in our space."  I had to kick them out of the waterbed twice...Nothing good can come from two teenagers and 3 smaller kids jumping on a water bed.  We know that from last year when the old mattress sprung a leak.  It's funny how loud they can be while each of them was staring at their I pods...everything is soooo funny at their age.  AND LOUD. 

I bought the oldest girls fur "Fargo" hats for Christmas and they loved them.  The little one's were so jealous...so we decided from now on Auntie Joanie will be the hat buyer at Christmas for all the kids.  That will make it easy and yet so much fun. 

A free greeting card by Smilebox

Wishing all my readers the very best of the season.

That little fella up there represents part of me.  I have had this on my hard drive for years and years and always fall back on it for some reason.  It's a little pixilated already from so much use.. but it makes me smile.  He has so much joy and love in his movements.  This was once an animated picture as I remember and he skated up and down that rink a hundred times....or maybe it wasn't animated and I just made that up in my head.  I can't remember, but let's not go there.

It's like "old lady speak"..... I remember it was  a Tuesday, you know the day that Elsie got her toe removed.  Or was it a Wednesday?  Well who the "F" cares weather it was a Tuesday or a Wednesday...get on with it.  Yup I'm getting there.  Dates are becoming more important to me than those I am relating them to. When you see your friends eyes glaze over while you are trying to remember exactly what time and date an event took place ... you know...it's time to shut the hell up. 

So I choose my words carefully.  And sometimes I forget.  So, if I have forgotten who the hell cares. Not me. I won't remember.  Funny how that works. 

I thank everyone who comes around here to read my crap.  I wish you all the best of the season. 

Joan  xxxx

I put a candle in Santa's hand and he backhanded me

I love this guy, I have had him for about three years now.  He seems to always be looking at me even when he is down in the basement storage area in summer.  I think he keeps me honest.  Sometimes I go down there in summer and give a squeeze...because he is so cute.  He is about 3-4 ft. high. 

This year I bought a few battery operated candles and put one in his little plastic hand...and it fit. Then he started to fall... and hit me on the head. Perhaps I did not anchor him correctly...but for a guy that can ride a sleigh and guide reindeer...I didn't think I would have to prop the guy up...I know he is about 5 million years old...so I dusted him off gave him some milk and cookies and we had a good talk about what is is wrong with THIS world.  We talked about politics, and all the diseases we have...heart, cancer etc..... and you want to know what Santa said...."shit happens"....So I'm guessing we have to pray to a higher power...because this guy does not give a hairy rats ass.

See that floor lamp behind him?  I bought two of them to flank the wall unit in the living room.  They are so cool.  Best of all are the lights that shine up from the top of them and it gives more light in a room that has a catherdral ceiling ...without any freaking pot lights!!  That will never happen again in the new house.  I'm tired of living in the dark.  They will also look good in our new house too. 

I am all ready for Christmas...this has never happened before....I'm getting bored.... I just have to go grocery shopping and get all the stuff for the 26th. when all Gord's family is coming over.  My family won't be able to make it until a week later, because my SIL takes care of kids in crisis.  This is her first year doing this.  She has always had a day care centre in her house but gave that up two years ago.  Now she decided to work with Child and Family Services to take care of little children when they are removed from their homes.  They will be "on call" throughout the Christmas season and never know when the police and Child Care Services will bring them children in need of care.

I cannot say how impressed I am with her and my brother. It takes special people to take care of others.. Yes, they get paid for it...but they also love the kids and try to make there stay with them a special time.

So I'm looking foward to it all ..whenever we can get together. 

To my blogger friends....
"It's Always Something"....this is my gift to you.

I always try to stay in touch. 

Balonie...Greetings from the other side.

Suck it up buttercup....

I have started a vacuum fest in my house.  La dog has been going into her last molt for the season and is almost done.  This has caused me some grief because my vacuum cleaner broke. It was one of those upright kind where you can see your dirt and you have to empty it yourself and see the filth your rugs have produced.  I don't like that.  I like the ones that had bags and you are totally oblivious to what is in there.  I love living in denial. 

I have a central vacuum system in the house that I haven't used for years because the hoses kept on getting twisted around while I tried to vacuum.  It did a wonderful job, but the hoses where so big and I kept on tripping over them and damn near killed myself.  I got a regular one last year where you can actually see your dirt.  It was made of plastic I think...it wasn't cheap either, but the plastic parts broke. It's good for nothing now.

Gord said he had a vacuum cleaner at the shop that "he had found in the back lane."  He said it was the same kind that we had that broke.  Stupidly I believed him.  This is the guy who will pick up anything off the street that flies off the back a half ton truck.  He brought it home yesterday.  It weights more than an elephant. Or a ton of concrete...or .....  It's an upright...which is okay, but I have a ton of stairs and levels to clean here man....I would need a fork lift to go from one level to the next.  By looking at it I would assume it is an industrial vacuum cleaner.  I tried it, it works fine if you don't mind the noise.  By noise I mean a high pitched noise that almost brought me and Penny to our knees.

Two down....last ditch effort was the old central vac.  It worked, didn't blow your ear drums out, but it still was a very good "sucker."  All I had to do was to make sure I didn't trip over the hose and the cord that plugs in a wall unit to keep the vacuum head working.... You see...you have to watch two things while using this ancient piece of crap.  Imagine the hose and the cords in a small hallway. How does one NOT get tripped up eventually?  I knew it was going to be sooner not later, but I keep on sucking up the dirt.  Then when I was almost finished the hose got twisted and it stopped sucking....of course I took the hose and started to shake it all about to get the kink out of it....which in turn hit my glass side table and turned it over...then when that went flying it hit my plant and broke off some leaves.  

 Ho Ho...Merry Christmas to me.   

Wanna see my Beaver coat? I wore it to Safeway today and no one tried to kill me....and yeah a picture of my new...yet slightly used teddy bear housecoat with a hoodie... 

Nobody was at  home to take a picture of me wearing this. So you have to imagine my head on top of it.

Spell check said I used the word Vacuum way to often.

Balonie...giving you Greetings of the Seasons...

The end of an era

My niece Lisa said that today on facebook when she saw that we had thrown out our two Lazy Boy chairs. It's kinda of funny because they are older than she is.  They are a part of her history with us.  I feel kind of bad for them.  They are sitting out in the front step topped on one another and laden with snow.  Man, if those chairs could talk...oy what a story they could tell.  They were our comfort zone every night after work while watching TV.  Also they saw and experienced every pet we had.  The cats loved them because they were heated plus they were made of some burlap material that make cats want to dig their claws into them and they did....the sides were messed up.  When we first got the chairs it was so funny... we used to have to be so careful to watch the foot rest if we had it elevated..because ten to one...there would be a cat under the chair..and when we would put it down....yup...trapped cat!  I don't know how many times we heard a MEOW....oops "what in the hell are you doing under the chair." 

Yes those chairs saw and heard alot.  Our happy days and our really sad days when we lost so many of our loved ones.  This is where we would gather to discuss how we would go on.  Plus through every life crisis we have had. We sit in the chairs and discuss our next plan of action.  Lately it has been the new house and I don't think the chairs got it....they never saw it coming...they just thought...omg more bullshit they will never leave here.  When Gord was putting the new chairs together last night I was thinking...hmmmm I hope they don't get wind of their replacements....or by morning we will a chair fight on our hands....but they went  gracefully .... beat up, full of dog hair, beer farts, and sentimental memories.  Bye Bye youse guys...we promise not to make any memories with the slack assed chairs we bought.  The chairs we bought are just cheapies so it won't look like we still live in 1980's...when we sell the house.  We will be able to use them in the new house but in a different capacity. 

We sat in the new chairs last night.  They swivel.  And the back goes so far down you can almost sleep in it. While I was swiveling and making myself dizzy...Gord was sleeping.  We know how to have a good time.

Buh bye...I love you chairs....but I have to go now...

The new chairs and ottomans look like they have Donald Duck feet.  Or an upside down ceiling fan.



Hang in there

I just made some changes to my template...and it's making me mad.   Nevermind I love messing around with it.  But yikes this template is getting on my last nerve....
Bye...

Penny Loafer

I went to Petland today to buy Penny her Christmas presents....and what did I see ... a lovely little puppy jacket that just matched her colour.  It looked a little big...but I thought she could probably grow into it.  Ummmm she is 11 years old.  Yeah..I know.

It was a really sweet one.  Some of them are so complicated and the dog gets pissed off before you even start to get them into it. 

I also bought her favourite squeaking egg balls for her Santa Stonking.  Yes Stonking.. When I was a kid we wore stockings in winter.  They were brown as I remember but what I can't remember is how we kept those suckers up.  Probably jar rings or something like that.  My mom always laughed at me because I could not say stocking....it came out stonking. So when I got Penny 11 years ago I have put up her stonking every Christmas ...and called it just that...stonking.  She knows exactly what I mean when I say it and glances over to her stonking beside the fireplace hooked up to the stair case going downstairs. 

When I got home from shopping she was crazy...she could smell I was at the pet store....so I opened up the bag with the doggie coat in it, but before that I hid the egg balls...because they make her go nutz. 

I put the coat on her.  It has a lot of Velcro tabs...etc.  and finally we were done and I noticed that this coat was made for a dog about a foot longer than her...even with her tail extended.  Penny is very laid back and I can do almost anything to her except cut her nails ( growling there).. so I just tucked that back stuff up.  It was a little bulky ... I agree.... but after all this tucking and fucking around............ she could not walk. None of her legs worked.  She did manage to get to the patio door and out on the deck....and it then was over. 

She sat on the step...and gave me the "big eyes."  "Mom help me feet's they can't move not ever..ever...and I got a big freaking pile of crap on my back.  She would not move.  I think the Velcro made a few squeaks when she tried and then she just gave it up.  It was so pathetic.  So I took it off of her.  And she ran down the stairs like the devil was chasing her.  Free at last!

So, that's 50 bucks I can spent on myself this Christmas... I don't think it will buy me the I Pad was drooling over at Future Shop.  I swear I was fooling around with it for half an hour.  And then they called security.  How did that get in my purse? 

I have a 25 dollar gift certificate for Future shop.....that would pay the taxes...let's see if Gord buys that. 


Balonie is scheming .....

I do not own a housecoat

I bought the best housecoat evar...today at our neighbourhood Salvation Army Store. I never have something to throw on if someone rings the doorbell before 10:00 AM LOL......yeah I'm joking...sort of..

 It has huge teddy bears on it....a  hoodie, and a zipper in  front for fast action when someone rings the bell....and huge pockets in it for carrying all my pepper spray if it happens that the people that are ringing the door bell are of the Jehova ilk.

It's the best housecoat ever.  I may never get dressed again before lunch.

Baby it's cold outside

Went over to the job site to see what had happened over the week and was crazy happy.

A picture I took from our living room window.

The front entrance on the left and the dining room to the right.

The great room ..Isn't it great!

The back of the house....kitchen will be on the right.

Damn you just can't beat this.

I am one lucky girl. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind myself this is really true.



I decorated my new house with my computer

I had so much fun playing with this today.  I added some garland, animals, trees and snowmen to the mix.  Click to make it bigger.

The house is looking much different already...the insulation up over the walls, and tomorrow the shingles will be probably be put on the roof. 

And look at that deer poop...jeez..where is my shovel?

They were putting the windows in today

The new front door.  It hasn't been stained yet...but it will be a rich brown colour.  I surprised one of the guys working in the house as he opened the door.  He is hiding in the back.

That is the four car garage nestled in the back...I didn't get a good angle on it.

OMG... my porch!  there it is.  I had to fight a lot of fights to get it...and I got it.  I must have been a Southern Belle in another life.....I'm going to love it so much.  I already have ideas how to decorate it for next Christmas. 

This is truly the best.  It is so hard to imagine what you want on a piece of paper ... and with the help of my dear friend and designer hippy chick and Gord's dream of actually doing it....it looks like it's going to be just what we wanted.  I am very very happy. 

I had to laugh when the framer guy ...helped me in the house ...again... it was kinda steep.  He had some questions about the windows for me, and said as we went in..."don't mind the mess."  Ha...just like he lives there...I will soon be saying that too. 

Shingles are coming up next week.  A little piece of paradise.

Her she is.....

I'm not to sure this will make any sense. But this is my new house.  If you can see it. The 4 car garage is lined up in the back of the property .. out of the way from the front of the house.  So it's a surprise.  heh ..

Those blogger bastards removed my flat tire...........

I vill be bach..........

I have been shopping for a sink for the island kitchen

I found it.  I love it. You can see it here  http://www.frankecanada.com/productdetail.php?prodid=299&node=10&group=53&lvl=3

I didn't want another double sink like I have now...or have had for a trillion years.  I like how open it is for doing big jobs like pots and pans without that centre piece of the dual sink getting in the way.  Plus it's pretty and a little more shallow than the norm.  It's an under mount sink and will look really good with the granite in our kitchen.  It also has a cutting board with a drain tray for veggies etc. that fits over the left hand side when you are not using it to bathe little babies!!  You could!.   Our double sink has always made me mad.  I usually keep a cutting board on one side and only use the other side for washing stuff etc. Ever try to get a big pan in there?  Impossible.  In the olden days when we didn't have dishwashers .... yes that other side of the double sink would have had some use for rinsing dishes and putting them up on the cupboard to dry.  But now, I just use it as extra counter space to dice veggies. 

I am sure everyone out there has there own ways of how they use their kitchen and how they cook to get maximum efficiency of the space we are dealt with.

I know Gord doesn't have clue.  He keep poking his nose in my business.  Hey, I don't question the shit he knows about...so don't be messing with mine. 

I know a few of you of you were wondering about the kitchen window from what I said in the last post....I did respond and you might not have gone back to see what I said.  So I will just try to explain it.  All the kitchen appliances, cupboards, small office area,& counters are lined up in one area. Then a about 5 feet or more from that is the large island with the sink in it.  With more cupboards below etc.  So instead of looking out over my sink in the kitchen like I have now...I will have a 3 huge windows to look on to while I chop my broccoli.  It's hard to explain but once we get a little further with this this I hope you will approve. I could never live in a kitchen without a window....being a somewhat former feminist that is all I ever asked for.. a window in my kitchen and a dog in my bed.