Why I was never an English major.

I have great admiration for "Fussy" a blog that is so well written and funny and when I see her words I wish the words could be typed out by me. Writing well is the best revenge is her motto. I have failed her since I found her blog years ago...but that hasn't stopped me from typing out stuff that has been written with abandonment and without any real sense of structure.  Just off the top of my head stuff.   I have never bought one of her T shirts that say "writing well is the best revenge" because I don't want to lie.  I write from my heart and hope for the best. 

She doesn't seem as scary as all the other A list bloggers, she is pretty down to earth.

Tonight she wrote a blog  that was special to me.  She wrote words that I have been looking for forever.  Everyone is dying before I finished loving them.   I know how she feels, because I have a lot of unfinished business myself.

So thanks Eden.  It makes me feel better just to know the words.  I'm sure she never reads my blog, but if she ever does I hope she knows how much that sentence means to me.


OKAY....OFF TO MY NONSENSE:


I thought I would go through my blog for the past year and pick out a few sentences I wrote for each month. I was more than shocked at the numerous times I have used the word "Ass."  Seriously, what gives?  What is the obsession with hind quarters?  I must reevaluate my blog writing skills because this is down right repetitive and somewhat shocking.  I seem to have a genuine interest in the lower extremities.



January:


My surprise casserole tasted like ASS. Like a donkey's ass. It was edible, but KD and real food should never meet. I should have just made stew. Damit.




Dumb. But we never saw anything until after Christmas...when Gord once again jumped out of the bed and thought he pissed himself. Then we had a clue.... Clue and Clueless then came to a decision that there was a hole in their waterbed. Children of the sixties... scary. You never know when you are getting a flash back

On inspection day, Gord will open the door of the house, I will follow and kick him in the ass. On leaving the house Gord will follow me and kick me in the ass. Fair.




February:


That's all I got. Time to go and eat a chicken. Not squirrel ... can't catch that bastard.


What is your name: Joanie Balonie
What is your real name: I SAID Joanie Balonie!..okay it's Joanie Balonie full of macaroni...are you happy now meme? jeez.




March:


You could make a nice roast with the big guys rump.


Bill Gates, I got you in my sites. Don't you move sucker. Nah...s'not Billy's fault.... just a FATAL ERROR. and my Libra side says....okay be nice ...but my dark side still says shoot the bastard.




balonie....taking time to make your life a better place.



April:


So, what's up with me? Not to much...just waiting until the end of the month. I'm looking into taking some courses this summer. You know the old lady shit. When I retire, such as synchronized farting.

Just when you are trying to be funny, it comes back and bites you in the ass.


Every time I write that I feel like peeing.






May:




She was facing my ass.


I could have spit on her.


Balonie...is going to blow some smoke up a few asses around here. Now that's she's got a few minutes of time.




June:

I think retirement is making me a little ..err crazy. I am enjoying fooling wildlife. I think there is something wrong with that.


They gave me strained smiles.




Update: I am still painting Gord's shop. Downdate: He is pissing me off.




July:




Hopefully there will be fresh piss and shit for you to smell ... little one.


So, here we are at Monday again, and I can't figure out what new thing to do. I think might draw whiskers on my face with my eyebrow pencil. I'll let you know how that goes.

I was a dumb fuck. Seriously.


August:


I thank all the family who came over last night for Attitude Adjustment Hour....... and gave her the cheese when I told them not to give it to her. I have saved the shit and will put it in a zip lock bag ....and they will all see it again at Christmas. I will rename it..Joan's Tootsie Roll Delight. I might even add some nuts. It will in their Christmas stocking.


Oh look, I have two legs. If I put one foot in front of the other I could walk to the store.

I am sitting on the cusp. And it's making a dent in my ass.


September:




I need someone to blow some good vibes up my ass....or I will never make it up those stairs.


I fried my feet.

 I slipped right out of her car. Like a floppy old fish

Why did I think they would be pretend doors? Because I'm stupid, that's why. It hurts when you try to walk through them.



October:




Sometimes I want to reach up to him and wring his stupid neck...and say...go left you asshole.....but I let nature take it course.   I'm cool with that.



I really wish Gord would get friends that had better taste.


....I know I'm such a dink. 


November:




I find it really weird that people who are retired get up early.




But I have been screwing around with laundry day...even if it means ..ya gotta wear the old panties in the bottom of the pantie drawer that don't have any elastic left in them...yes I get wedgies...and sometimes they fall down in my sweat pants...but they are clean. I have to admit that sometimes I don't realize they have fallen down until I want to climb the stairs...and my legs seem to be a little shorter than I remembered.




....but I think you could tie this pizza to the boots of someone in the mafia...and sink him.




December:


So I'm guessing we have to pray to a higher power...because this guy does not give a hairy rats ass.


I remember it was  a Tuesday, you know the day that Elsie got her toe removed.  Or was it a Wednesday?  Well who the "F" cares weather it was a Tuesday or a Wednesday...get on with it. 

Ho Ho...Merry Christmas to me. 

Happy New Year to all my friends!