Picture this......

This is a blog of few words...don't start clapping yet you bastards. This is a blog of some serious picture taking I have done lately...some might call it photography, I call my talent..picture taking...with a cheap camera. None of the pictures have been photoshoped..is that a word? It will become quite apparent. Is photoshoped with one pee or two pees.? Don't know. Piss on it.. lets get atter.





Now isn't this interesting ... my bedding plants. They still aren't in the ground because of the FROST warnings that abound. Were you expecting porn?....sorry .... I failed you again.




This is a bigger picture of the Impatiens I bought today...take a good hard look, because they will never look this good again. I think "Flower Family Services" should be called and remove them from my home. Apparently they need to be taken care of by a responsible gardener...and the soil should never dry up, so I must put watering on my list, ...the directions say...needs feeding...fertilizer every two weeks, fuck that, I can hardly find the time to make supper when I get home, and now I have to feed plants. Can't say I'm in for that.

I'm not cut out for this.

THIS, is what I like, plants that grow from year to year..perennials. This one is just starting to grow around my pond. My pond is so small it would only fit three frogs. Just the way I like it. A Ha! ...You don't want to hear my rendition of "Froggy Went a Courting"... I could tape it if anyone wants to hear it ...heh


These guys have taken a life of their own, without my help, and by the time fall came around last year, my pond was invisible. So, I chopped them off, but that didn't stop these aliens from springing up again. Penny finally had to sit on them every night to get them in check and smother them. Everyone should have a dog who has a big fat ass.

The ferns are springing up. Don't they look like "plastic?" Hey, they are real, no thanks to me. If I had anything to do with it they would be toast. Are you getting sick of this yet? ...you will be.

Two trees in bloom, the plum tree and the chokecherry tree. Yeah like you never saw this before. I have to get something more exciting for youse guys to look at.

Let me muddle through my pic's...there has got to be something in there........stay tuned don't go away, I have to figure out how to put in on my blog ....so hush... while I put my "thinking hat on."

I'm not finished.....so keep your shorts on...I'm trying to do a video.

Gord was being a jerk, and mowing the lawn with his dad's old tractor lawn mower we are getting ready to sell. And he spent most of the time going backwards...oy Turn on your speakers.


My own little Shriner from Joan on Vimeo.

The Stinking Lincoln finally has a purpose

I bought all my bedding plants on Sunday but Mother Nature was not ready for them yet, as there was frost warnings three days in a row. I put them in the garage...and lined them up over that lazy "Stinkin Lincoln" (Fat Kat) who has been languishing in the garage all winter. You see she has hydraulic covers on her headlights and once spring comes around they pop open once the weather gets warm. They were open alright, but no I did not see any remorse for what she put me through last fall. I certainly will not be driving the bitch this year, because she will piss out her brake fluid as soon as look at me. We have gone our own ways since then. I will let Gord take over his baby from this day forth. I.will.never.drive.it.again. Done.


She looks like a girly window planter.... too bad it's pay back time.






Don't look at the snow plow, new lawn mower still in the box, riding lawn mower in the background that is for sale...and garage crappola.

My heart is still thumping....

I saw something today, I have never seen before. Road rage!!!! At it's worst.

I was driving home from work, minding my bidness, and heard someone honk their horn, and my normal response is to check the rear view mirror, and wonder what the fuck did I do now!! (I won't dispute the fact that I have been the culprit in some minor infractions.) But this time it was not me. It was the guy two car lengths behind me. I was stopped because traffic was moving very slowly as it does on a Monday drive home. So, as I was checking my rear view mirror, the scenario played itself out. A guy was walking around the car and started kicking it, really hard, he went all around the car and kept on kicking. The driver of the car did not come out. They had a brief conversation when the driver opened his window, and the then the guy went over the passenger side kicked his leg up and shattered the window....just blew it out! I was getting scared, I didn't know if this was person was crazy and was coming for the rest of us next.

When the guy smashed his window, I watched the owner of the car get out. He was calm, he was big, and looked like a US state trooper with the sun glasses and the slow gait. Not like our weenie cops in Canada...this guy was definitely someone to be reckoned with.

He walked to the front of his car, and took out a bicycle from the front of his car (which I couldn't see from my vantage point)...picked it up like a barbie toy and tossed to the curb. From what I could gather, the bicycle rider must have zipped in ... in front of him .. and wanted to change lanes. The guy in the car blew his horn...and the guy went ballistic, and threw down his bike in front of his car and started to go nuts.

The guy in the car never started to punch or that kind of stuff ... nor did bicycle guy...there was a lot of arms raised and yelling which I couldn't hear.

After that, as the traffic started to flow again, then all I could see was other guys were hopping out of their cars to help with the situation.

There has always been a love hate relationship with bicycles on our roads. It's so dangerous, trying to avoid them in the curb lane. But they are a breed of their own, and really, really take their lives in their own hands everyday driving in the city. The city has already been giving them a blind eye, to the "no driving bikes on the sidewalks"... especially along busy roads. Last summer cyclists who wanted their rights to our road ways, demonstrated, and slowed down traffic every day for a week by slowing down traffic downtown. Pricks.

Yes, I believe we should have a bike paths for those that want to travel on their bikes, and the city is trying to do that, but it's impossible to it with our infrastructure as it sits now. And bike riders have to take into consideration, that they don't pay 1 lousy cent into the road infrastructure , like motorists do with our insurance and gas taxes. But they want all of us to look out for their safety. Most of them are all...GREEN...go GREEN...get fit...you know the drill. Yes, in a perfect world that would be good. First of all, Mr. Go Green
Earth Friendly Fred, when you are ready to put your share into taxes and insurance for riding your bike on the road I PAID FOR...I will give you the right of way...which I do anyway, because I don't want to see you under the tire of my car squealing like a stuck pig. And of course I don't want your death on my conscience.

Hey, I'm all crazy tonight. This just blew me away today. I sure wish I knew how that incident ended up. I will watch the news tonight.

Other than this, nothing much new, except it's colder that a whore's heart over here. I bought all my bedding plants on Sunday, and they are in the garage.............frost warning for tonight!! Plus we had tornadoes on Sunday, about 100 miles from the city. Oy......we never have tornadoes, and we don't even have warning systems like the US.

I have been laughing my pantaloons off lately, the crows around here are starting to mate and building nests and the squirrels are either trying to steal their eggs or just being a pain in the ass. I see crows chasing squirrels...they hover over them with their huge wings and chase them all over the yard. I have never seen that before...it's too funny. They never hurt the squirrel, ....so far........but I see them eating road kill....so if I was a squirrel, I would cut it out already.

You know..I'm a bit of a prick

I just re-read my last post, and thought...these people just wanted to include us in their celebration of life with..weddings, showers, anniveraries, funerals etc. I should be honoured, instead of feeling put out about it screwing up my weekend. How selfish is that. If I could reach my ass with my foot, I would kick it. I am embarassed that I wrote that. I think I just need some time off work, so everything doesn't overwhelm me so much. I try to cram all the stuff I have to do into a weekend, and it's getting more difficult by the year. Poor poor pitiful me. Well, that's over... I have seen the light.

It was insensitive.

I am sorry.

Joan

My dance card is full. More whining

If you know me at all, you will know, I don't like going around visiting and shit. After my work day is finished, I just want unwind, and when the weekend comes, I want to sleep late and clean up the house, do the laundry, get groceries ... play with Penny Loafer... take my time making a good supper and then I want everything to be quite. I just don't have anymore jam. Then Monday morning rolls around...when it starts all over again. And thank you summertime.. you have added, mowing the lawn, planting flowers, cleaning up the deck ... after all the trees have shed 7,890 pounds of crap on it. I especially like those sticky things that fall from the poplar tree over our deck, that stick to our feet, the entire dog (who rolls in it) and bites me if I try to take them off. I love when all the crap gets tracked in my kitchen from the deck. It's always something! I tell you. Every year it seems a little harder to do. A little more irritating, and I get a little more nuts. Yeah, are you saying I am already nuts...well just wait ..you ain't seen nothing yet. Wait until I turn into "balonie"...then it's over my friends. whine whine...whine...I know..

Summer has come, and so have my weekend busters. 4 invites so far. Oy! There is only one I look forward to, and that is my hippychicks birthday which she is celebrating Sat. June 21 . She has finally retired to the countryside this month and we will be going out to the ranch and party our asses off. Good times.

Then comes the rest...............

Sunday June 1....Wedding shower for my cousins kid.

Saturday July 12.... the wedding.

And in between this:

Sat. June 14th. Gord's Auntie and Uncles 60th Anniversary.

And...at our age it won't be over...I am sure there will be some funerals to attend.

My house will look like a pig sty by the end of July, with all these weekend stealer's.

And don't be telling me to do some stuff during the week, I do! But I leave the heavy stuff for the weekends. Plus my sanity. And trust me I'm not fussy, I only do what is needed.

I just finished mowing the back 40 with our newer lawn mower "Sane Jane." "Jake the Snake" was in the other shed, and I could hear him rumbling in there getting all pissed off. Now that Gord has got him all fixed up, he is feeling his oats...and thinks he's the man and has balls. He is mistaken. Jane has a vagina...a very big one that she uses as a bagger of de grass. How convenient. I mow, she sucks it up in her humongous vagina bag, and I dump it out. Simple. Jake used to just spit it out, even if we attached a ball bag. Macho bastard. I love Jane. Jake, you are one little piece of crap. What we haven't told you yet, is we put you up for sale, you sick bastard. You are in the "Buy and Sell" as of today. I can't wait. If you decide not to start the day we show you off to the new seller I will personally take you out. Just so you know.

Don't start pissing gas again...it's to expensive, and that is getting old. I'm not afraid of you, but the next time you do that I will throw a match on you. Oh, by the way, the hissy fit you had in the shed while I was taking Jane for a spin, was very immature ..plus when I engage her in "self propel" ....she listens and moves forward and doesn't go backwards like you did ...dink.

I will never get another male lawnmower.

Duh!

I didn't know if you screwed around with the header on your blog when you were doing a new post AND IF YOU DID NOT SAVE IT.. the new header would show up anyway. Well, fortheloveofgildaradner...I blew that ... my post looked like I just funnyfarmed myself....what you see is a picture of Gilda Radner and here I am telling you folks it's a picture of baby me giving the world the finger. Okay, for those who missed it:

Apparently this is not the one. I can't find it. I only have 10,456 pics on my hard drive.

To you, that had to experience this uncomfortable event, I want to give you a prize for the hardship this has caused you. Unlike Pioneer Woman, I don't have sponsors with the big ticket items to give you.

Please choose from the following items: Photo's available upon request.

• A HP Office Desk Jet K60 ...with an extra ink cartridge. Might need some work.


• A Canon JH045086 Photo copier. Works fine here, but can't guarantee it will after shipping.


• A Canon Scanner, works just fine. I just upgraded to a new one. It is slow, so if you have a lot of time on your hands, this one is for you. It would be good for the little woman at home, who has children to raise, and has all the time in the world to scan pic's slowly while she is changing diapers, getting spit up on, sleep deprived, looking at what once was her slender belly, becoming a looming pile ugly wrinkles, ....then this is the scanner for you. It will scan your baby's pic's by the time you get the kid bathed, deshitted, depuked, and deburped and in college. It's amazing how long it will take. Seriously, this will take the stress out of your life.

Email me your address, and I will send anyone of these items to you...shipping cost are extra...especially with the photo copier, it must weigh....hmmm...1000 pounds, they don't make them like that anymore! (Paper and toner included.)

I have more stuff, but I want to save the rest for the next time I screw up. Please don't send more than one entry, because .."hey" my server!...I live in Canada and we still use tin cans with wires attached to it. You wouldn't want all your entries to take down the whole network. So, go easy peesy.

Anyone offering anything over 5.00 bucks gets a 100% discount.

Look at me....

I was giving the finger before it was invented. I was way ahead of my time.

Brenda and Donna asked me to show you shiny things on Friday, but I only got to my computer tonight, so here are the things I love shiny. I hope that was the theme....

My engagement ring. That diamond would put Liz Taylor's to shame. See how reflects off the arborite of my kitchen counter top...this is a serious diamond. I haven't taken it off for 20 years, it was always just there. Today when I went to take it off I noticed my knuckles must of grown. I had to pry that sucker off, and after my photo shoot, I could not get it back over that fricking knuckle...... after a long struggle it's back where it belongs. I hope a mugger doesn't try to pry that humongous diamond off my finger, because he is going to have to chop my finger off .

Penny's nose, very shiny...and a little intimidating. The more you piss her off the shining comes through.

My Friday night wine glass ... it makes my soul shine.

My BIL's new motorcycle ..it makes his ego shine .. as an aside my house is to the right , I would never paint my garage door like that. What were they thinking?

That is one mean machine...oy....

All shiny stuff is done. Next time ask me for dull stuff.... I have a ton of that.

I am so enjoying the long weekend. But I still wake up at 7:30 AM....as usual, and give my alarm clock the finger. See!! I was way ahead of my time. Then I reclaim my covers from Gord and the dog, and snuggle down for a few more hours of weird dreams. Damit... I just want to sleep, but sleep had come and gone, and all that was left is ...lists of what to do on my days off. This morning I saved Gord about 30 times from falling in a hole. It was starting to get old, and I woke myself up, and made a mental note to not to dream again.....then I started with the lists again.. it was time to get my ass out of bed.

I did something I have never done since Gord has his incident....we had ham and eggs w/ toast, sliced tomatoes, and pickles for breakfast, it was actually lunch because it was late. Normally we don't do breakfast... just some fruit and toast. But today I let my guard down...and also on Friday, I bought a frozen Pizza for supper, it was just a little one with thin crust, but man did that taste good. I prefer to make my own Friday night supper, but because I work full time, I need a break. Just this once...it's a long weekend....let's live a little. Actually I like our Friday night Taco night better, I love the veggies and the taste of the taco shells.

Spent the afternoon working in the back 40. Almost got all the winter kill taken care of. I found all the crap out in the sheds to get my pond running again. That was nuts!! Gord always takes the stuff in the sheds for winter, and when spring comes, I have no idea where my stuff is.. but after checking it all out ..guess who I see!!! Jake the fucking Snake....the lawn mower from hell, who still resides in one of our sheds. I gave that bastard the "evil eye." Because I knew I had to get past him in the shed to get my stuff. He wasn't moving, he looked like he was still hibernating. So, I tippy toed around him to fetch my umbrella and stuff for my patio table. I know I shouldn't be scared of him anymore because Gord claims he tamed him last fall, and he wouldn't just start moving around the yard at will. I don't know, that lawn mower is evil. Gord said one of his spark plugs was off, and it made him a little..how you say...flippy. Sorry, I don't buy that shit, I saw that lawn mover moving around the lawn all by itself years ago. I hope I didn't wake Jake up this afternoon, I will spend all night waiting for him to break out our shed.

Bullets.. the blogger kind.

My week stunk.....whatever it was will be in list form. If I could put all my grievances in here on a excel spreadsheet and also formulate my mood swings on a graph chart ... I would. It would save a lot of swear words and unneeded typing of the words. You could just see the chart, and resume your lives. But, I won't be that kind. I will make you go through it piece by piece.

I think I will use bullets...only because I didn't have a gun this week. Heh
Okay blogger wouldn't let me use bullets today..but pretend they are there.

The first bullet goes to the lady/man who didn't take care of their dog on Tuesday. I found this little ugly pug thing running down my street on my way home for lunch. Of course, I can't let a dog run unattended..even if it has a pushed in face. And the rest of him would have been pushed it if he wouldn't have missed my front wheel by an inch! He ran off down the street. I sat in my truck thanking the dog gods that I didn't run over this ugly dog. Gathered my thoughts, drove home (1/2 a block away) and ran into the house and got a leash so I could catch the ugly son of a bitch who was taking up to much time of my lunch hour.

Gord was home already, and I told him...I'm going to rescue a lost dog....be back in a flash. I was really wondering if he could actually heat the Chili up himself before I got back, plus make toast. Two things...I didn't know... It was a lot to ask. I ran back to my truck, and went down the street, and I couldn't find the ugly dog. I finally turned around and was going to go back home when I saw him in the front of our cul de sac. I got out of the truck, leash in hand...unlike dog catchers who have lasso's or something like that. I called "ugly" and he wouldn't come, he just kept on running around me trying to let me catch him. He was starting to piss me off big time. We played this game about 4567 times, until I got fed up and was about to get in my truck and say "enough", and if he got run over ..to bad..so sad, because most of his face was already pushed in.

Just as I was ready to call it quits a lady pulls up from the back lane, jumps out of her car and tried to help me. SHE WAS GOOD! She gave the dog every command a dog might have learned. But, alas that flat faced little bitch, just ran circles around her too. Just as we were about to give up, the dog spotted an open fence across the road and ran into the yard. The lady yelled at me "now we got him", he has nowhere to go.! She ran after him really fast, and I was still standing on the street, hungry for my Chili...after all ...my lunch hour was getting smaller by the second. But, hey she had a point, so we left both our vehicles standing in the middle of the street ...with the doors wide open...our purses in them.....and ran after that flat faced bitch. After she ran in the yard, I went in next...and closed the gate. This dog was never ever getting out. We were a dog SWAT team. It took her about 5 minutes to tire that guy out, and she had him by the collar. She carried him out, and I put the leash on him, and she was about to give him to me...........until I said, I'm on my lunch hour...I don't know what I will do with the dog. No, problem said SWAT lady...she has tags, and I will phone the number on them. I almost kissed her, but hey, I'm not that gay. (yet). She asked me where she could return the leash, and I told her....and off she went with flat face. To her, I will be forever grateful for. I couldn't let a dog run loose on the streets. It could be mine.

Later that night, I went over the scenario in my head...and something jumped out at me. The dog obviously got out when someone left the gate open, I found the dog about 5 feet from the gate, he went back into after we were chasing him. OMG...we stole the dog from his own back yard!! I remember going into the back yard and seeing a lot of shit by the gate and also further in, but NO dog. I still don't know whose dog it was. I only know
SWAT lady lives a few blocks down from my place, so I don't know how she found the owner. She left the leash on my front steps the next day so I know it was all good.

It's a good thing I don't try to save the planet. It would all go to shit. You guys would be living in a dump. Common sense doesn't kick in until about 7 hours later.....and then it would be to late. And you would have to kiss your fat asses goodbye.

The second bullet goes to ...my husband gordie good guy. Thanks for waiting for me while I was rescuing a dog from his own back yard, while you were waiting for me to nuke the chili and make some toast for lunch. When I finally got back, you had figured out how to heat the chili up in the microwave, and you had the bread set up in the toaster. But, my dearest...you took this opportunity to take out the necessary utensils out of the drawers only to find.... OMG.. there was a "greeby" on a spoon that the dishwasher hadn't got...call 911. Also, there was a bowl that had some crap on it. How the hell did you pick those two.... out of 56788 dishes and utensils I have!! You did. To my defense, the bowl had been put in the dishwasher 4 times before, why you ask? because if you microwave scrambled eggs, it sticks on the bowls, and I don't have time to bend down, open the cupboard door under the sink, and find the scrubber. I tried to get it off with my fingernails, but I thought if I put in the dishwasher enough times that bastard would get that shit off. I want Kitchen Aid!! I hate this crap we have. I will have to make sure I never get home for lunch after you...because if you knew ..what you don't...you would never eat here again. heh... Hey, if you drop something on the floor...I use the 2 second time limit before it's inedible...and pick it up and put it back in the pot. Unless the dog gets it first.

I have some more bullets, but it's getting late. But I have a question???

Have you ever thrown something out because the dishwasher hasn't cleaned it? I have. I admit it. And my name in Joan.

Just trying to save your eyes

Be back tomorrow.

Sunday night Pot Roast just like my mom's

Thanks Brenda. keep on looking, I know you will find a better one than this. No hurry.

My Sunday night pot roasts of late, have been... let's say...a little bit dry and stringy. I know part of the problem is that I am using a very lean cut of beef. Pot roasts need fat in them to make em edible. Today, I bit the bullet, and acutally bought a cut of beef with a little fat in it. I probably won't let Gord eat any of it, because if he has another heart attack, it will be my fault. I will probably just let him smell it, and let him only eat the potatoes and veggies. I am such a bitch.


Nahhhh...I have eased up on the poor bastard, and every now and again, I let him have ham with his bread and mustard sandwich at lunch.


Thanks to you that gave me some information about doggies who suffer with arthertis. I felt so sorry for her today, because this was the first real day we could go outside without freezing our asses off. I could play in the garden, and Gord could start doing stuff with the lawn. She was allowed to come down to the lawn, but all she wanted to do is chase a ball. Well, ball chasing is over for her for now, as it always leads to a lame day the next day. And so it is for Gordon and I. We are lame too.


Hi Mom ... in heaven... please send me down your pot roast recipe. I can't get it right. Give Dad a hug...I love you ...Happy Mother's Day.




Showing off her big tomatoes from the garden.............. and she looks so serious. Look at her skinny legs, no hips...just like me. Now I know where I get it from. But I was never that serious, I have my dad's sense of humour ...as bad as that is.

You know?

All it took was little work to find the right place to change the html. It wasn't that hard. But the blog looks a little too busy anyway. I will have to take off my dangerous pictures on the right hand side and cool my shit. Who is getting tired of this shit? Raise your hand. Well, then I guess my blog is not for you, because I can't see any self improvement seminars in my future.



Brenda offered to look for a template for me...I love her, like she has nothing better to do than help me. I will see what she comes up with, I hope she knows, I am fussy as hell. What if I don't like it? Do I tell her, or make up a story like....I loved your template, but my dog ate it. Seriously, she jumped on my computer table, went to that box thing that holds the hard drive, and took the screws off with her very sharp teeth, pulled off the cover and ate the fucking hard drive. There was no stopping her. I was frightened.



After that when she was walking around in the dark, I could actually see slide shows of all "My Pictures"... shining through her belly. I kid you not! It was kind of scary when I saw a excel spreadsheet from our latest income tax return. I thought I had deleted that; because if the tax man ever commeth, and I say the dog ate the hard drive, all he has to do is watch her walking around in the dark! What a tangled web weave when first we begin to deceive.

So, let this be a lesson to y'all.

On a more serious note. I am still worried about my Penny Loafer. Her arthritis is not getting much better. I have all the tests done, and they say it's in her right knee. All the vet gave me was a pain killer called Metacam. And this drug has to be watched as it is hard on the dog's organs. In this last month I have only had to give it to her about 6 times, but I am being careful only to give it when she is limping. I am trying to keep her calm, but she doesn't realize she is a little lame until she see's a squirrel, and it's all over!!! Chasing it like she is two years old. Then we have to start all over, and she is better in about 3 days. So, I have been scouring the internet to find alternative therapy.

A friend of mine at work adopted a 7 year old lab from the Humane Society, who was very arthritic last year, she could hardly walk and was very over weight. I saw her when he got her, and felt so sorry for her, she could hardly get herself off the floor to get up. I saw her again on Monday, about 15 pounds lighter, and on a therapy of Glucosamine and Chondroitm plus pain relievers only when needed. She was a totally different dog. Active, happy, and has no trouble getting up and about. So, I am going to go that route. I have bought dog food that has Glucosamine and Chondroitm in it, plus a supplement. I have put Penny on a diet, she was a little over weight, but not much.

It is very hard to see such an active dog, barely even being able to walk some days, and she is only eight years old. We have a lot of walks to walk, and a lot of squirrels to catch.

If you have any suggestions on this....I would love to hear them.

Biker Bitch

I fixed it!!!

This should look better. Can you read it now???

It's too much work to fix this template...

So, I will have to hang up my "biker" template. There goes my image. I got a ton of spam emails today, and I was thinking...hmmmm maybe the "Hells Angels" were looking to recruit me, because I was so..."like" over the edge. Bad to the bone. A bad ass. But, apparently, they were trying to sell me Viagra, not drugs. Lord knows I don't have time for that stuff. I took it once and tried to hump my dog. I don't know what they put in that stuff, but maybe I should have read the instructions.......where it clearly indicated on the package.....THIS IS FOR THE MAN IN THE HOUSE. Back up the truck Jake....."what was the ole balonie thinkin?" Time for a check up.

But truly .... flowers and shit just didn't suit me. It's hard reading it after I have just written some really bad words. It's just seems....so wrong. I need youse guys to find me a template that you think suits me. A little off the wall, funny and no flowers.

This is your homework for tonight. Go...........and God speed....because I want this homework done by this weekend. Move... I don't see you moving fast enough...get your Google on.

Yours truly,

Biker Bitch.

Anyone finding my template a little hard to read?

I am. Blogger won't let me tinker with it...those stupid blog people!! No one gives me a stinking break.

Now go about your business and get out of my hair.

Happy days

Supper is in the oven doing it's thang...the dog is fed, run and watered, and best of all was when I got home tonight a crew of 5 guys and 1 girl had just finished cleaning up the back 40. Honestly, I can't believe I did it myself last spring after "the incident." They had a flat bed of leaves and shit from the backyard that was unbelievable, but last spring I guess I was so scared Gord was going to try to do it I just went into overdrive and did it myself when he wasn't looking. I remember being very very very stiff for months after. I think it was my hamstring that was bothering me...I just made that up, because I have no idea where my hamstring is, I just like the sound of it. Makes me feel a little athletic. All I know it felt like something had broken between my butt and my leg. Would the butt part be the Ham? That is how I reason thing out. I could have gone on Google and tried to sound smart about this, but I think you should know how really stupid I am. I like to keep it real.


We had a great time on Sunday. My bro's 60th. Birthday. I had to "old fart him." and I did with his presents.


My nieces threw him a partee at his house. We had a great barbecue; the best burgers I have ever tasted. I loved them. I met my nieces new boyfriends and totally make a fool of myself by just being me. While I was taking pictures of them, ... and I may have given them my phone number, I don't remember, but they were soooo cute. This was when my SIL and her sister and I were sitting at the kitchen table drinking wine from a barrel. Bad asses, I tells you.

Back to Garry's present.

My brother is nosey...always has been...it comes with our Mennonite genes. Over the last few years he hasn't been all that ambulatory....but he is getting better...but he spends a lot of time in the house in the winter. He has a chair in the kitchen overlooking the back yard, where he sits and thinks about a way to get even with me for making him eat rabbit turd when he was 5. I was hoping by this time he would get over that, but from our last discussion, nope...he still wants to kick my ass. Good thing he doesn't have the ass kicking feet he once had, or I'd be "assed kicked."

Anyway, getting back to his voyeuristic ways. I bought him a pair of binoculars so he can look into any one's house and yard in the hood. He could probably start his own blog letting the neighbours know what the fuck is going on the the neighbourhood. Now, he will be able to alert 911 before the alarm goes off in their houses. Hey, it gives him a purpose in life, plus nosiness is is a god given talent. It runs in the family. I, too have had bouts of it. Along with the binoculars, I have gave him a camouflaged hat. After all, I didn't want him to be seen while he was stalking his neighbours. Safety was a concern of mine heh! He loved it!! .... I haven't seen him so animated since he got sick. We laughed our asses off when he put the hat on....and joked around...he was the old Garry!

I had one more gift, after all, I had not made fun of him enough.

Because I couldn't find any fresh rabbit turds in our town, I started looking in the dollar stores for a gift that shouted "GARRY"....I found a remote control for his TV, DVD + all the other electronic crap he owns. It was about 8"x12". HAAAA.. I could hardly fit it in my truck. The lettering on it was huge...and best of all...it glowed in the dark!!! .... and THEN I fell on the floor and laughed some more. It was made for the ultimate old fart. You can't loose this sucker. It can't fall in the cracks of your couch, because it's so fricking big........and funny as hell. You dare not sit on it, because that would be a wedgie you would not forget. But if it happened to get up your ass, a loved one would be able to safely remove it ...because it glows in the dark............I can't stop laughing......

Needless to say, we had a great time.
..okay now Gordon is home, and American Idol is blaring in my ears...time to go into the garage.... and he is bitching about the lawn...fuckit. I'm getting out my laptop and heading on down. I didn't want any noise destroying my creativity tonight.


Whooo....it cold in here. Yes, it smells like gasoline, but I can't believe the shit that's in here.

Oh, and I forgot one more present ...the best of all. A bottle of wine I brought ...called "FAT BASTARD"...

Birthdays don't get any better than this.

I'm Twizzling!!

Oh, sorry... I mean Twittering. I'm a "Twitter Critter." Do I smell a new blog coming on. Not really, I can't even keep up with 2 of them. I've been chirping with AndyPandie today, I'm starting to figure this out. I chirped at Ms. Brenda, but you know her, she is a domestic goddess and sleeps most of the day away.

I am going to try to a post at home tonight, and I hope everyone leaves me the shit alone. No talking, no loud TV, no dog barking, no chewing, no eye blinking, I want silence! How can I be expected to let my creative juices flow with all that distraction?

If all else fails I'm going to take my laptop out to the garage. And if the smell of gasoline from the Stinking Lincoln, 2 lawnmowers, 1 snowblower, a motorcyle and 1 rototiller doesn't kill me....my blog tonight should be a masterpiece. I probably shouldn't smoke in there ..should I? I just thought of that. hum

All tuckered out

Saving all the good stuff until tomorrow.

I'm the devil in blue jeans..yes I am!

This new template is making me feel a little "how you say"... horny... no, not horny, but horny without the horn, sort of like a "bad assed Christian." Right now I'd like to smell a Hell's Angel, drive without my seat belt buckled, smoke in a public place, or get a tattoo.

Hey, I'm rocking. Spring is finally in the air, and I can't imagine all the shit I will get into if I keep feeling my oats like this. I might even pose for a picture on Gord's bike and pretend I actually went for a ride on it. I might take a Valium...if I could get my hands on one if I had to really ride with him. I think I will ask him to take me for a short ride this year, down to the end of the cul de sac and back. If I don't start to hyperventilate, he can turn around and we can go through the back lane of the other Bay and come back down our street. If I'm still good, he can actually go down Chancellor which is the the main road that leads to the rest of the city. If I don't make the trek where Chancellor hits the busy roads, I will ask him to stop at a bar just before we make that turn. I like the thought of he and I parking the bike in front of a bar and looking really tough, and going in for a brewski. Can you hear the chains rattling? Can you feel the danger in the air? He, with his fancy dancy leathers, and me with an ole hoody sweat shirt and pants and wearing an old helmet he found in the garbage from WW2. Yeah...I'm a pretty thang!!

When we go into the bar, I imagine, I will take my WW2 helmet off and suddenly look dangerous just like him in his gay leathers. After all, I am covered in food stains and dog hair, that should account for something. Ya think?

We sit down. The bar keep comes over and...says "what can I get you folks,"....and Gord decks the bastard...and says..we aren't folks, we are "bikers" and we deserve some respect. The bar keep gets up and says ...."yes sir"....what ever you want...it's on the house. Then we drink a lot of beer, fart on our way out and drive back home...which is only two blocks. I love living on the edge.

I'm thinking my neighbours will be looking at me with much more respect this year, when they realise I am a little more dangerous than they thought I was. (hide your children.) on Peacock Place.

Okay EARTH or whoever you are...

Apparently my footprints are too bloody big....so sorry, but I have big feet. Short of chopping off my toes, I don't know howinthehell I will manage to shorten them.

Yeah, I have been thinking about chopping off my feet ... just a bit. The media just doesn't give up on this crap, and puts that teenie tiny little bug in your ear. So, last week I tried to shop "go green." Stop laughing!!!

Day one:
I went to Safeway and bought 4 new cloth bags. I told the clerk to put my groceries in the new bags. The poor clerk, had to deal with these flabby bags on the counter and struggled putting all the groceries in them. Normally, the regular bags are at a lower level and they don't have to reach up and plunk them in your new and improved environmentally challenged bag. She used two of the four bags I bought, and rang me through. Okay, whatthehell!! The handles on these bags were way way too long, I drug my groceries to my truck through all the filth that still resides on our streets from winter. I thought I could just tuck them up in the crook of my arm, but they still reached the ground. Perhaps, that is what should be happening, I don't know, do they want our grocery bags to actually touch the environment.

.. My footprint was getting a little pissed off.

Day Two: (yes I shop everyday, I never know what I want to make for supper.) I thought I would park as far away from the store as possible to minimize excess use of valuable fossil fuels and maximize the possibility of buying a donut when I was in the store. The donut won.

I hit the isles, and remembered that I was supposed to try to buy locally grown products. Wellhell!! It's still winter...I checked, and yes they had ice for sale, but discovered it was imported. Consider the irony.

Plus that shit melts the minute you put it in the frying pan. Empty calories is something I can't stand.

I was hungry for chicken; but I could not find a birth certificate on any of them. It was like God, made them in heaven, killed them, plucked them, washed them down, put them in shrink wrap and a Styrofoam tray....and magically they found their way to Safeway.. Hey, that was good enough for me....I didn't have to worry about my "footprints" getting any bigger. God brought them to me.

Now, all I was missing was some veggies and potatoes. I did find some carrots that were produced in Manitoba (last fucking year.) If you don't mind the taste of musty carrots that are as big as a cat, these are the one's for you. I passed. Apparently we have the same problem with potatoes, last fall was a long time ago, and they don't even exist anymore. Also, I needed dog food. Nothing! My footprint was about to kick some one's ass!!! So I took the chicken that God made, and went to the checkout.

I get into the lineup and note all the people ahead of me are still using plastic bags.

I feel smug.

Then I realize I have left all my cloth bags in the truck!!!

Well, hells bells.. I told the cashier to just give me the fucking chicken, and I will carry it out without a bag. She told me, it has to leave the store in a bag of some sort...because of some rules, blahhhhh..blahh. Okay, said I, if you put it in a plastic bag, I want you to sign a document that says ...your footprint is on this chicken bag..not mine. She said, "no prob"...do you want it double bagged.? heh I love her.

I feel smug.

I got home, and took the chicken out of the plastic bag, and promised myself I will use my cloth bags from this day forth. I took the plastic bag, went outside on the deck and set it free, and it landed on one of our neighbours trees... and stuck in the branches. And I felt smug.

Something tells me I don't quite get this shit.

I have 4 almost brand new earth friendly bags with humongous handles on them for anyone who wants them. I call them "drag and drop"....bags.




The ugly back "40"...what a fricking mess.


Penny, loving some sunshine.

Nothing better than seeing ice coming out of your eaves... its cold out here baby.

Who does not want to kiss this face? Bad breath and all. My penny loafer. You can see how much she loves her mom with those I love you eyes.

My soul..............it greaves for summer

We had some snow and ice today, now ain't that a fucking way to greet spring Mother Unnatural? What happened to your "all springy" crappola. I had to wear my parka to work today muttah, and let's not forget the face plant I did in front of the door at work today. You put it there, now clean up your mess. Our first aid kit came in handy after I knocked my noggin into a glass window. One more trick, and you will be kissing my ass. Do you have cold lips?...if so don't bother because I have people who I am more pissed off than you, that have warm lips. So lets call the whole thing off.

This spring I have finally started to walk like a normal person, heads up, not looking down for icy patches. My gait was strong and assertive, instead of looking like a dog looking for a place to take a shit. Now, I'm looking back down again, at the dirty streets, filled with cigarette butts, the occasional old lotto 649 ticket someone threw away, (which I put in my purse just in case it was a winner and they lost it,) A penny! I guess someone thought they were to rich to keep it, a soggy old grocery list with the ink all smeared....and on top of the list was Tampax ..I hope she got there on time...a bill of lading from one our suppliers I had been looking for since last fall....faded yet legible, now I can get off their ass, because we didn't know if we received the goods....Yes spring is coming, slow, and ugly.

I was kinda worried yesterday with the ice and all. The trees make a very weird sound when they are coated with ice. My truck was covered in ice yesterday when I went to work, and after I had gone a few km's the engine warmed up and holy moly .....ice started flying into my windshield from the hood of the truck. Fuck...I ducked!! It was funny how your instincts take hold.

Hopefully, by Monday all this shit will be over. I will be able to walk without looking at the ground and wondering if the next "face plant" will put me in the ER. Or with our Lord, I'm not ready for him to take me just yet. I got shit to do, and people to piss off.

I was laughing at myself a teenie little bit today, when I remembered I bought my dad some kind of device to put under your shoes when you were walking so you don't slip on ice...because he was so frigging old and loved to walk every day. Well, I think he was my age right now when I gave them to him.......he never wore them, and looked at me like I was a "tool." The same way I look at anyone who tells me what is "good for me."