Miracle Grow

I sprayed all my plants tonight, and "it's miracle I am still alive."

Nothing comes easy at "It's Always Something." The Friday night plan, was to come home from work and mow de lawn and fertilize my plants. I cleaned up the deck a bit, put out all the chair covers for the patio table and by 6:30 I was ready to do de mowing. And, what to my surprise..when I looked over "yonder" to see many, many large thunderheads aiming for my house. Normally, I would have said "fuck", but now that I have cleaned up my act, I just thought..what a blessing another rain storm would be. I was very calm. And it came down in buckets, but not before this savvy housewife got the patio chair covers back into the house in the nick of time. It lasted about 10 minutes, just enough to undo all the good I had done. No swearing did I make. I patiently dried off the patio table, and the chair skeletons without their cushions. Finally when the sun came out again, I decided to fertilize my plants with my new handy dandy Miracle Grow nozzle that attaches to your garden hose.

I forgot. That Gordon had been trying to stop the leaks in our hoses last weekend and had attached a dollar store hose to the main one so I could get to the plants. This week we bought a new hose, because he saw the error in his ways. So, I tried to take off the dollar store hose from the main one. I didn't swear. I prayed.

He had "reefed" it on the other hose end so tight it would would have taken a horny Hutterite to unleash it! Me, just being a girl, could not. But I did not give up. I went to the tool box and got out pliers and wrenches to "unreef" the hoses. I gut wrenched myself. I could not get them apart. They were obviously mating for life. Then I saw a tiny pair of pliers in the tool box that had handle grips on them, and thought perhaps if everything was not slip sliding away I might have a chance. Yup, one crank and I hadder. All that not swearing for nothing. I attached the new hose to it and it worked like a charm.

Before more clouds decided to move overhead, I attached the "Miracle Grow" nozzle to the hose, and turned the water on. Everything worked!! No surprises, no nothing. I checked the gauges on the nozzle, it said, Water..Feed..or Shower. I decided on shower. Because that is what has been happening everyday this week. I thought that might be lucky. I went and turned on the water.

Well, it might have been if I would have not have been staring into the inside of the nozzle as I was adjusting the gauges. I got a face full of Miracle Grow! My glasses have grown to the size of those we wore in the 80's. My head is now larger than a pumpkin, my shoulders resemble those a very large athlete on steroids. Unfortunately, I did not wet my girls...they remain the same...crab apples.

I am still sitting outside on the deck defying the elements. One more rain shower will not make a difference to me anymore, I am wet, mosquito ridden, cold but I bought this lap top to sit outside in summer, and byjiminycrickets I will.

My flower garden looks so good this year, I can't believe it. It has finally all got together. I just love sitting out here amongst all my trillion trees I so innocently planted 25 years ago without any reason other than that they were inexpensive. It all worked out. Except for the willows...and they would give reason to swear should I still feel the urge. Dang you I say to them. I also have saved up some swears for the squirrels..don't be jumping on the willows, because even though you weigh under a gram, your weight will break them and I will have to be picking them up. So ..cut it out. See, no swearing, just doing a little intimidation.

I just noticed my left hand looks a little larger than my right. Fucking Miracle Grow!!