I have a message to

The prick who stole my parking spot.

Hello Prick: You saw me coming, you knew I was about to turn into the space, but you pulled in before in before I did. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, thinking you were just waiting for another spot. Prick, you disappointed me. I always try to be polite while driving or parking. And what really blew my mind was, once I found a space, I saw you dart out and find one even closer to the store. Oh my, you really are a prick. I forgave you, and thought...okay..I will just backup the truck and turn around and get MY space back again. Well shit. Just as I was going to turn into it....a Vagina ( I didn't use the "C" word) in a rusted out Pinto (do they still make them) whipped in. So, I'm sitting in my SUV whatshamcallit...Explorer, thinking....hmmm I could ram her ass because I got the power, or I could just be the better person like I was when the Prick stole my spot. I guess I was sitting there a little too long thinking about my revenge, when cars behind me began blowing their horns. Now, I was getting mad.

I have had been inhaling paint fumes for two fucking weeks, and those horns just put me over the top! Plus it was Friday and I just wanted to pick up a few crusty buns from Safeway...just.a.few.crusty.buns! And go home, have a glass of wine, and try to ignore the MESS I call home. Plus have a little down time with my Penny.

So, when the honking started, I put on my four way flashers, indicating I had trouble. And just fucking sat there. Because, I swear to God, someone was going to get hurt. Yeah, road rage. They could get around me, but I thought, I'm sitting HERE until someone close to the store leaves and I am going to get the spot. Did I mention it was 100 degrees below zero? With a wind chill of 200 degrees below zero. Yes, I exagerate, but when you walk across that parking lot with your flared, low rise jeans the wind finds it's way to the bottom of the jeans to the top of your neck in no time flat. It like a tornado in your pants. Now that is a wind chill you don't what to ever endure. It's tiresome come the end of February, thus the road rage.

I sat there for about 2 minutes. Nobody was moving, so I took a swig of the wine I had just bought at the liquor store, and cooled my heels. heh...okay that's not true, but I was sooooooo tempted. Finally an older couple came out of the store, and pulled out. I was in there, tickety boo.

As I was leaving the truck, I noticed......FERTHELOVEOFGOD...it was a handicapped stall. I slumped... I really did... shoulders down, eyes crossed. ALL I WANTED WAS SOME CRUSTY BUNS! I didn't move the truck, I ran in and got the stinking buns, which I was not hungry for anyMORE.

I came home. Gord's truck was in the driveway. He had backed it up to the house. Trouble. He went shopping........I almost lost my shit. Our whole house is in disarray....and he goes shopping, I don't even know where my toothbrush is!! He went for a toilet paper run. It was on sale. So, that was okay, because I'm probably going to shit myself 13 times over before this mess is cleaned up. I forgave him. Unlike the prick who started my bad mood. Gord left after that to do other stuff, so I started to clean up around here and indulge myself in some wine and some blogging.

He just came home and said he could see part of the moon in the sky and a bright star...then I remembered Venus was supposed to show her girly parts tonight. We can see it so clearly, it's a little surreal.

So, off to make some Philly beef sammiches....yummers.

The goldfish tells the tale..

Sometimes when the waters get too murky, you want to jump, and hope someone will find you, and pick you back up from the floor and put you back in your tank.

So, that is why I chose this template. Because everytime I post a blog, with some kind of problem, I can count on you to toss me back in the tank.

So, I hope you like this, and I'm going to try to pick up the pace around here. Once I get the Catholic painter out of here. I hope he isn't giving painting up for Lent, because we got another weeks work here.

Gord and I are having second thoughts about the paint colour we chose..Arizona Tan. The whole house seems to "glow".....it's wierd. It looks different in every room, depending on the light. It's not bright, but it has a reddish tone to it that we aren't used to. I can't wait until it's finished and I can put all my stuff back to see if anything will match the new colour. It's a very peaceful colour, almost serene. But I think I should have broke up the colour a bit more in different areas. Hindsight...shit...

I can't find anything around here, today we lost all our bills. I finally found them under a pile of papers and some were due!! I have never lived in such a mess. I thought it was an organized mess, but I was wrong. I will never do this again. I just can't imagine people doing renovations in their homes. I can't even find my damn dog!!

Peace.

Watch for my new blog format tomorrow...

Jane has made me a new one. And if she wasn't a girl, I might just kiss her on the lips, I love it that much.

If you have been hanging around here anytime since 2004 you will know my love for the goldfish. I took my last tank down about two years ago when the 5 pounder died. I shouldn't have tried to take him for a walk. Wine, you are my enemy.

So, goldfish will be my theme. In a It's Always (fricking) Something whiny sort of way.

And yes, it's the usual blue background. My house has to be a neutral colour, but my blogs have to be blue. So there. I could never live in a blue house ... my head would explode, but I love living in a blue blog house. I have the best of both worlds.

We are just getting dumped on with another shit pile of snow. I say "uncle"....already...stop the madness. This will be lovely, now I won't be able to see the ice under the snow AND BREAK MY FUCKING HIP. However, I am look forward to a concussion, and wake up in time for spring.

you know this will all about painting for two more weeks

Now, the house is turned upside down. The furniture has been moved to the centre of every room. Closets have been emptied, treasures have been found, others have been discarded. This weekend I was starting to freak out, because I love "order." I decided to unfreak myself and go with it. I stopped my head from spinning out of control and thinking...everything has to be in it's place...because who gives a fat hairy rats ass if you can't watch TV because it's sitting in the middle of the family room AND NOT FACING YOUR FAVORITE CHAIR. When your whole house is in upheaval you learn a lot about yourself. You can't control every frigging thing in your life. But I tried....heh...I got my computer hooked up again...painter man unhooked me. And I spat in his face. I am sitting in the most unbelievable space with wires wrapped around my head. And hooked up. But, I don't want to make him mad, tonight I will put them all back and pretend I didn't do it.

And you know, I don't even care the mess. I am sort of enjoying it because there isn't anything I can do about it. It's like going on vacation. I love coming home from work at lunch and meet up with "the painter." He is so proud of his work and shows me around, like I'm a Princess or something. He finished the ceilings last week, which look great, and this week we are doing the walls. Poor guy. Gord tried counting how many holes I have put in the walls over the last twenty years....he counted over 100...that's not counting the hooks I put in the ceilings for plants and light fixtures. It's good thing we have a good roof, because if it would spring a leak it would look like a sprinkler system in here!!

And I love the colour I chose. If we would be choosing colours and planned to stay here, I would have made them more personal, but as it is we will be selling it. I just wanted to stay with one colour throughout. The house is "open concept".....so all the rooms flow into each other and you can't just change a colour from one to the other...it would look...ummm stupid.... so I chose one colour for the entire house. Bedrooms and all. I could have done them a different shade because they are separate..but I liked the colour and did it all the same. Arizona Tan. What a great colour. Warm, cozy and inviting. I think I lucked out. I was going for colours more in the taupe range to start off with ....but just didn't feel the vibes...they looked too ... I don't know... oh yeah boring!

So this experience should do me well when I have to choose colours for the next house. But I don't expect that the next one will be as open as this one is, and I will be able to give each room a personality of it's own.

I'm kinda of sorry that the painter isn't as interesting as the Russian Mafia I had in here a few months ago doing the repairs. I can't even make fun of his accent. But the Russkies will be back in spring to do some stuff on the outside of the house. And, I will be singing "Somewhere my Love" again.

Well, I better unplug all my computer stuff and put it back on the table so he can manoeuvre his way around it. He did the undercoating in this room today, so tomorrow he will doing the painting and I can start putting it back together. But... truth be told ... I love it this way. I'm on the dining room table and I'm on the second floor, facing all the big windows out front. But it's not feasible unless you are in a mess. This is just like a vacation, I swear... I love it. Everyday here is something new. So, can you tell I don't get out much? And the best thing is I don't have to do it.

Taking my comments to the forefront

I spent so much time reading and commenting on the comments on my blog tonight I thought I may as well make it a blog. What the hell? I'ts easier than trying to make shit up.

Joan said...
Jim Bob is that really you? I am amazed, I have the same memory, but it happened in Horndean Manitoba. And that would have been about a month after my birthday. Halloween. I was there when they burned it down along with some hay bales....and then the cops came. We didn't start it, we just encouraged it. Then we took off like little scardy cats. And drove off in the bush to drink our beer.


Brenda...I long for an outhouse, there is nothing like sitting all alone reading the toilet paper (newspaper) and trying to dodge the spiders.

Sally, the smell is even better today. I'm taking gravol...oy you don't know!!!

ohhh Kitchenlogic.. yee don't know me at all do yee, I have a bonnet alright but under that bonnet lies a mighty hard head. And no, I don't make pudding. Mennonites buy Jello pudding. You might be thinking of the Amish. Yeah, those slackers probably make it themselves. Mennonites pride themselves on making Pineapple Square Cake, with a Graham cracker crumb crust, crushed pineapple, with a mixture of of Jello vanilla(not instant) pudding. Only because we like to keep it real. And top it off with whipped cream. Give me your aunts email address, I like to send some pudding her way.

Donna.... we would have loved to keep your President. He was so gracious, he took a Beaver Tail home with him to eat on the airplane. Say no more. Haaaa, but it's only a donut thing..haaaaaa.. I know..I is dirty minded, and I don't want to to give a sweet southern lady the vapors..

Nicole...sorry you aren't feeling well today. I have a Mennonite remedy. "Wonder Oil." Every Mennonite on earth has taken it and still lives to see the dawn. It's partially alcohol and something really smelly. I think Mennonites took it because drinking was not allowed. So, they invented a malady, and had happy hour every Friday.

Hey Jude... Love saying that..Like in the Beatles song...Nope we didn't do shit with trees, we just stole the apples from them. Oh, and there was something called "knock out ginger" we used to do. But, ouch...

Have a good weekend!!

The painter

His is a nice guy. Probably about my age ..ummm 60 something. And he is doing a wonderful job of getting this old house back in shape.

Best of all he loves dogs..so the transition with him being here all day when we are at work is good.

But, he will not call her Penny, he calls HER.. "Spike." All the time. And he calls "her" "him."

Today when I came home, Penny and the painter were saying their farewells and the painter said to me " I miss my dog "Spike." Apparently they had dogs all their lives, but now that he is semi retired and only working part time they decided that after their dog Spike died to go petless, and travel more often.

He loves Penny/Spike. He never calls her Penny...it's so funny. And when he calls her Spike, she comes a running. Call me anything...except late for supper is her motto. If you want to pat my furry head and tickle me belly, I'm your dream girl/boy. I will be your Spike.

Your President came to Canada today. Holy Doddle..you would have thought he was a rock star. I certainly hope he will be your rock star. We aren't in a recession in our part of Canada ..yet, and I don't think it will happen. Ontario might have different problems because that's where the build the chariots we ride.

But it was nice of him to visit. Usually Canada gets dismissed......even tho....we are a huge country, on your border...but I think we are ..just too damn nice. We don't make enough noise. We don't raise our flags up high enough. Yes, we have seasons here that are cold, but not much different that the northern states. There always seems to be a stigma. I don't know what it is.

It's sort of like when I tell people I am a Mennonite, and they get all...Amish or Hutterite on me. Yes, I was born and raised Mennonite, but I never lived on a colony. I lived a perfectly normal life in a small town, until I started a street gang. Yes, I was a gangsta....a Mennonite bad ass. In fall, we would steal crab apples from our neighbours trees, on Halloween we would tip outhouses, and knock on seniors windows and scare them. And once I turned 16 and had my driver's licence we would do all of this again, but faster because I had a car. Life was so simple then. Steal and run. Scare and run. Then laugh your ass off after it was over. Yeah, we scored. We were smooth. Until my dad found out. My gangsta days were over, and so were my driving privileges.

I don't know how I got from Obama coming to Canada to knocking over out houses, there must be a correlation there somewhere. No? Okay. Its the paint smell that is making me crazy. Tonight I made fish for supper to try to overcome the "no odour" oil paint that smelled of cat piss and oregano. Bad choice, now the house smells like rotten fish, cat piss, and oregano.

What should I make for supper tomorrow? Nothing?... Yeah I don't want to stink this place up anymore than it is.

Work in progress

My house stinks.
My clothes stink.
My dog stinks.
Gord stinks.
I don't stink, because apparently I can't smell myself. Or I might be perfect.

The odourless oil base paint that the painter is using, is not really odorless, they just changed the odour to cat piss, and threw in a little oregeno. It's turned into a something Italian that stinks...no offence to the the Italian community. God, you have to be so carefull these days.

My house is in a mess. "now to all of you that have real problems"...disengage your mouse. Because my bitching is purely selfish. Totally. I won't even apologize for it.

I don't like the mess, I don't like having all my stuff where it's not supposed to be. I just fucking hate it. There, I have totally told on myself, I am anal and my name is Joan. I need help. I would never survive a reno.

I chose a paint colour today. A colour that will encompass the entire house. Every room. So, if a mistake has been made, it will be a really big one. I wanted to keep it neutral, yet a little darker than your old "Builders Beige." Because we will be selling the house, I wanted to go neutral, which it was anyway, but now that I have the opportunity to see what it would look like in a darker colour I'm going for it. Chicken little Joan is crying....the sky is falling...yeah that would be me. It's only paint but it's costing us three grand to do this....and I want it to look great, for as long as I live here and those to come. I chose Arizonia Tan. I love it. It calms my soul. (like I have one).
The paint has been bought..game over.

If I come online and tell you guys I hate it....tell me to get my foot out of my ass..because it seems to be lodged in there. Somedays it hard to walk. I don't know how I function some days with all my...could have, should have, and what if's. It's a good thing I never had kids, they would have spent most of their childhood in the ER. I blame my mom for my fears and I think my mom blamed her mom, my grandma.....then I think my great grandma blamed the heathens.

My spell check ... indicated I didn't have any errors...I find that hard to believe. It must be an error with blogger, because I have never come up with a clean blog. I tried again...it still thinks this blog is free of spelling errors............well I'm ready to go to bed, so I won't argue...the smell of oderless paint is making me faint.

Getting ready for the painter.

He is coming tomorrow, so I had to get the house ready. It was a nightmare. I haven't sat down until now, and it's already 7:00 PM and I'm sitting in my dark office and on the laptop. Everything else is packed away. The house sounds "hollow"... all the curtains, pictures, and wall hangings are down. The wall unit shelves are empty and all the treasures are in boxes. This is supposed to take two weeks. I'm not a great one for "change" or disarray, so this will be challenging. We plan to sell the house later this year or next spring, so this should certainly make it look better. I can't believe I painted this entire house..."and it's big"...with huge cathedral ceilings and all by myself 15 years ago. So, yes...it needed a face lift. At this stage of my life, I'm all about hiring someone, because it's way to much work.

My next house will never be this big...ever... or so ill designed. My next house will be a small bungalow...with a porch out front and a nice deck out back. A cottage. My laundry room will be on the main level, and I will have a pantry in the kitchen. It doesn't take a lot to please me, I just want convenience without walking up and down stairs (like the four level split) kind I have. This house is made for Olympic athletes. They could train here. If you iced all the stairs in our house and started going down to the forth level of our house, you could do a bob sledding workout. If you were a skier, you could get on our roof, jump down on a shed, the take the jump back to the deck, and hit the ground skiing for gold. And still feel you were in training for the Olympics.

Yeah, I know I go on too long about shit. Okay.. I have something else, I haven't been on this laptop since summertime, and I think my fingers have grown. Because I can't hit the keys, I miss my desktop I just packed up!! You would think your fingers would shrivel in winter, but I have proven that theory wrong.

I talked to Hippy Chick yesterday on the phone. She was sitting in her farmhouse... all retired and shit... She was painting sunflowers in her back porch that comes into the house in the back (like farm houses do)...I guess they are called mud rooms now, but she has a huge one where she keeps her freezers, washer and dryer in. I really long for a normal life, where for the first time I could take a step back and relax. Or not rushing through a blog entry just because I had to. I know I don't have to. I enjoy writing, and sometimes I get stupid and make crap up...and regret writing it the next day.

It's not that I have a crappy life, I have everything I need, and more. But it may be that I'm in the part of my life ...where I am questioning myself. After 60 shit happens so fast, so you always have to have worry about health issues with yourself or you spouse. Life seems to move on at such fast a pace! And when you were 30-50 it just moved along very slowly. Those were the years you made your decisions ...right or wrong....had families, or partied if you didn't..whatever..I'm getting nostalgic.

I don't know why I'm sitting here and telling you this, but I guess the "house" has changed today and it feels so empty. I can hear the echo of my keyboard clicking as I type.

The painting will be the start of of leaving this house, and even with it's flaws, I love my yard, so that will be the worst.

So, it's time for soup. Farmer Sausage soup. Mennonite farmer sausage soup....you don't know what you are missing. With bread.

Joan...waiting for some down time..

Have you ever been married to a

Appliance Repair Man/Technician? nooooo? ...well lucky you.

There is no end to his stories about dumb assed customers. No End. Apparently the entire world is scared of being screwed by a service men. I don't mean that literally. I mean so many of them have bad rep's everyone thinks they MIGHT get screwed. That leaves my Gord trying to over compensate everything he does. Is he the only guy in the world that prides himself in his workmanship and knowledge of what he has been doing for 30 years? I think so. The fucking bad apples always screw those that take pride in there work. But he never quits.

A lot of times he gets taken advantage of from "so called friends"...customers etc. But he keeps on ticking. He desperately wants to show people how business was done years ago, with integrity. That is getting harder and harder to do. People get screwed then get cynical and give the honest guy grief. It is an never ending circle of poop.

So, I listen to his stories every night, as I have done all these years and wonder when he will get tired of being "Gordy Good Guy"...but he gets up every morning, puts on his uniform and goes out and does it again. And yes, he wears a uniform. Because that is the way he started out in the business when he worked for a company. And when he started his own business he still thinks people will respect a well dressed man coming into their home. I think he is right. But some people don't get it. I guess that is just the way the world waggles.

Yes, he gets annoying...telling me all the stories, and NEVER taking my advise. It's become apparent over the years that he just wants to talk it out...but does not want any input. So, I listen with my good ear, because he does what he wants to do anyway. And I get to listen to the movie on TV with my other ear. That's what ole farts do. And next day, I have no idea what he was talking about. And he tell me the whole story AGAIN.

I love guy. I really do. I just told you about his work, but he is as passionate about that as he is about riding his motorcycle and his vintage Lincoln. This year we will be starting to build our new house on a beautiful property close to a river. I am looking forward to it. But, sometimes that has been hard for me, because I'm a scaredycat. I like things the way they are...and I don't like change... yadda yadda... but he has dreams....so I will follow them. Someone has to get me out of my funk. I never would have believed that I would have become so resistant to change. I have always prided myself on moving on. We had so many houses, but when we moved into this one, I told him it was the last, because I loved it so much. Now I will have to leave. But.... who will take care of the pond people???

Anyway, Happy Valentines Day Gordon. It's been a bumpy ride. I mean bumpy.

I think the only thing keeping us together is the water bed...we meet in the middle. but then there is the dog...

Love Joan

Pond mommy blogging (wink)

I had three children yesterday I'm so sorry I didn't tell you I was with ..Bunny and Frogs. I bore them myself. No "C" section for me, like all the movie stars do. Nope. And when my water broke, the pond was still frozen over, so I had them on the kitchen floor. All alone, without any hand maidens. I had triplets, two frogs and a bunny. I don't plan on getting social assistance, because I can still work, and they don't need to be fed anytime soon. They are hard nosed kids.

They have been great, they don't shit their pants, and there isn't any lips trying to reach for my "girls".. and no crying do they make. I must have lucked out. Although I may have had them too soon before spring, but they are getting adjusted. Meet my triplet pond kids....sponsored by ...The Dollar Store.

To your left is "Hidey Ho"...she was my first born, and couldn't leave the placenta behind her, so she is still hiding under it. I have a feeling THIS ONE is never going to college...she will be mom's little "ho" forever. I'm going to have to watch that girl!! But right now she is needy and wants the pond. So every now and again I soak her head...or whatever mothers do.

In the middle is Wrobert the wabbit. Wrobert has been a joy. He sleeps through the night. Other than trying to trap his little plastic "poopballs" from rolling on the floor and the dog eating them, it's been easy. Wrobert the wabbit does come with some weird habits...however, he likes to chew on electrical cords. My oh my does he light up sometimes. I guess I will have bunny proof my house before he takes the big bunny dirt nap. I never thought motherhood would be so ...annoying.

THEN, there is Jeremiah the bully bull frog. Now he will be something to be reckoned with when he grows up. But he is always joyful. I can just imagine my life when he gets older and starts disrespecting me.........like ...........singing:

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD A SINGLE WORD SHE SAID, BUT I HELPED HER DRINK HER WINE. AND SHE ALWAYS HAD SOME MIGHTY FINE WINE."

Yeah...well, Joy to you and me buddy.

But he is kind, and has a welcome mat with him always. I have a feeling he won't to college either, I think that welcome mat will attract drug dealers. "Hey, look at me a kindly joyful frog on a welcome mat" will be nothing but TROUBLE. With a big "T"...you get my drift? Kids these days you just don't know.

So, I have my hands full with a house full of pond kids. I can finally feel what it is like to be part of the mommy blogger community. Oy....I have my hands full! Yesterday Hidey Ho, Wrobert and Jeremiah got dusty sitting on my "what not shelf"..waiting for spring. Damn those kids!! I have better stuff to do than dust my kids. F*ck. I can't wait until they all old enough to go to kindergarten"pond school". But I am thinking maybe I should just home pond school them now before spring and just let them have at it in spring and hope for the best.

I have at least 10 fully grown and college educated pond animals in my shed ready to take their place beside the pond this spring again. So, I am a little worried about the triplets fitting in.

I know, I worry too much. But what is a mothers do? Will the other pond scummers accept them, or are they still too young to "go to the pond?" I will walk them there everyday, and make sure they don't get run over by a ..ummm bird or a twig. What if... the other Ponders start to bully them? ..

Where would they fit in? It's pretty crowded around there it as it is...along with Clive the moose, and his illegitimate offspring Dorothy Douche Bag. For now they are taking up some real estate on my deck, but when spring comes they are going down into the garden along with their other siblings.

It's getting a little crowded around the old pond. This picture only tells half the story. I might have to start eliminating those that aren't cute anymore. Or don't mothers do that? I don't have any reference point. I just fly by the seat of my pants. There are no Pond mothers on google. None.
Every spring, I line them all up like little soldiers and march them to the pond. Last year two plastic ducks fell over..apparently "from the bloat." So, what's a mother to do? I kicked them to the curb. Hey, you have to make room for the newbies.

Note: No real animals were hurt in this post.

Did you hear?

They now make balonie "wraps". I call them Joanie Balonie wraps. Just think of me wrapped up in a tortilla shell heated in a microwave oven, covered with cheese ....crying for help. How pitiful is that? ..the humanity!!

My epitaph would read:
Here lies Joanie Balonie
full of macaroni

They rolled me up in some kind of crap
And put in me the oven and gave me a zap.

--------------

Sometimes people don't like nick names. I didn't mind mine.

But, I was guilty of that too. I must remember we called an overweight girl in school "puff ball." Joanie Balonie full of macaroni was annoying...puff ball was cruel. But, you only develop this insight later in life. I remember about 10 years ago when we went to Gord's high school reunion, Gord was taken aback when one of the speakers said he was afraid of Gordon in grade school because he used to threaten to beat him up when he was delivering papers to his house. I guess they were about 10 years old at the time, and Gord didn't have any memory of this at all. I think he spent a least two hours apologizing to this poor guy. The little bully. You never know how people perceive your actions, and remember them 20-30 years later. I hope I never meet the girl I and others called Puff Ball. She would probably clock me. But the worst is I know she was a nice Mennonite religious girl and "she would forgive me".......I don't need forgiving, I need my ass kicked for being so rude. So, if you are reading this "puff ball" for lack of a better name...because I don't even remember yours. All I remember is we hurt you in school. And I am so ashamed.

I don't know why I start remembering old shit. But there it is. I am cleansing my soul. I just started out with a "wrap song."

IT'S RAINING IN THE MIDDLE OF FEBRUARY!! WTF...we are slipping and sliding and doing the Elvis Pelvis dance. (as my dad used say) I didn't go into work until 9:00 today because I wasn't about to do the "Hamel Camel "..on four tires before all the other poor souls on the road had finished hitting each other. Everything is pure ice and it's raining...in February!!! I have never seen this in my entire life. 63 years worth of it. Kids were skating on the cul de sac. It's supposed to rain...yes rain!! all day tomorrow ..in February??? I think God is punishing me for calling her puff ball.

I just know it.

And...Penny's ramp going down from the patio to the yard...is full of ice.! She slid down this morning before I realized that it was full of ice, but somehow got herself back up. I am surprised she didn't hit the garage wall at the end of the ramp going down. oy. Her nose looked a little shorter when she came back up. She may have. She looked puggish...or like a flat faced bitch. That's what happens when you hit a garage wall at 60 clicks. I will have to bring her in and get her brakes checked.

So, goodnite....I started out with a little poem ... and looked what happened.

I was watching

Jane Austin and other flicks tonight..on Masterpiece Theatre...I am watching love triangles in castles with no central heat, or a good water supply or a bathroom. How do they bathe? How do they take a shit? I ask you. But "love" somehow manages to overcome these obstacles. The mother ( the pimp) always makes her young baby daughter marry the young scallion who has money. But she really loves the pig farmer down the road. But, if she marries him she will be disinherited and have to live in his pig sty forever and a day. Decisions. decisions. She married him. As it was, he had to go OFF to war, and got killed. And she was with child. Now she is just regarded as a pig farmers knocked up wife without any social benefits. Her mother is too busy pimping off her other three daughters to pay much attention to her. And then crying starts and numerous people get the vapours.........oop's I forgot where they get very sick, and get well by putting hot wash clothes on their heads.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...you can only watch so much of this shit, before your gag reflexes start to kick in.

So, I stopped watching it and started spamming my friends on email. Hey, I was bored. No...I didn't do that, but I sent out a few I might regret. We will see the reaction I get tomorrow.

Homemade pizza from scratch

No baking do I.
But today I made pizza crust
And that's no lie

I don't know what
It will taste like
For I am a novice at this
But, it may taste like Nikes.


I'm not a baker. So this was step two...after I made the dough and put it in the pizza pan. Can you see my teenie little fingerprints in it? So yeah. Then I put it in a 400 degree oven to bake.

Despite the ugly pic, it turned out wonderful. Now I just have to wait till Gord comes home and we can fill it with sauce, vegan pepperoni, mushrooms, green peppers and cheese.

Boy, is he going to be disappointed. But, I don't give a hairy rats ass, I checked and checked every pepperoni product in the store and it all came up "heart attack." So, fuck it, get used to it mister, and ...yes... I used low fat mozz. If he ever has another H.A. I will not be blamed. It's been two years this month....so we must be doing something right.

The dough recipe was made for two pizzas so I made bread sticks with the rest of it. I covered them with low fat parmesan cheese and baked them. I haven't tasted them yet, but they look really good...except the smallest one....she could be a hard little twig.

I got this from http://suzannemcminn.com/ She has a great blog.

I tried making the bread that Mary Lou posted last week, but I am getting a "hockey puck" sydrome going on. It's probably just me, but man when you take a stick to them, they fly.

I have always been interested in baking yet scared of it. Hippy Chick bakes all the time, but she was born with the skills, I on the other hand am..."scared of the dough." But, as I am experimenting it is getting more interesting. My only hold back is time. I wish I had more of it.

I think what was is, and was holding me back, is that I wanted to make buns the way my mom used to make. I tried a few time and failed miserably. That shouldn't stop me, I think every baker knows when the dough is right after kneading it, and how it feels when the glutens mesh with the god knows what. I might not ever replicate my mom's buns, but hey I might make something lighter than a door stop, if I keep on trying. I will get the FEEL of it, and know when to stop kneading the crap out of it and hold it...and then know when to fold it. Kenny Rogers..thanks man.... for getting me through a tough time of my life.

On to another note....my Penny Loafer...she is still doing so great. She was prancing around in the heavy snow outside tonight....LIKE A PUPPY. Thanks to Glucosamine.

Here she is playing with her ball in the house, which see never did before...

I will give you the results of our pizza...Gord just got home.....I don't really care if he likes it or not, but if I do, it will be a Friday night staple. I make it, you eat it and hopfully shut the F* up.

Did I say that out loud?

Last of all but not least...let's say a little prayer for Mary Lou's brother Mike who is dying of cancer. She is going through a tough time along with her family. Mary Lou...I think of you everyday. Thanks for being there for me when Gord was sick. Bloggers stick together. Let me know if I can do anything.

What is there to say in the dead of winter?

Blubber... and sweet eyes.

I've still got my warm santa pants on....and I'm taking them to bed. The temperature is rising, so maybe tomorrow I will go to work nakid. It's always feast or famine. I'm getting tired of it all. So...no Grace today, but I'm sure I'll find something to be thankful tomorrow......LIKE FRIDAY!!

You don't know how old you are when.....

A new "hot" electrical apprentice comes into the shop after getting hired by the boss man. I'm the one who gets to take his particulars. Then it makes going to work worthwhile. I have a list of questions I need to ask him, some for company purposes, some for my own. You know where I'm going don't you.?



I asked him his name as I was filling out his Apprenticeship forms. All I could hear was "Yummy".. (while admiring his teeth) and I said Yummy what?...jeez Joan get real here girl....stop your dreaming. He said no, my name is Angel. And my last name is Man. It was meant to be right then and there. Finally my dream man walked into the shop. Before I took off all my clothing, which consisted of a undershirt, a hoody sweatshirt, old lady jeans, full sized panties, my twenty year old bra, and thermal socks... I read his information on his application and apparently he is "taken." He lives in sin. Common in Law. So, I slowly put my undershirt, hoody, old lady jeans, panties, bra and socks back on. Son of a bitch...a girl can't even dream these days. I must have missed something, when he told me his name. Oh, I know what it was now, it was Christian. Man....it was so close to a heavenly name... so obviously I made an error. So, I broke up with him. We are so over. I think we can be friends. Maybe on facebook...not.


Ahh, just another guy to piss me off at work. Not Angel Man.

Grace in small things:

..When your doggy wants to snuggle in the middle of the night and licks your hands ever so gently and you fall in a deep sleep.

..Wine

..Fried potatoes

..A lady bug I found in my kitchen today. I said Ladybug you should be sleeping, it's winter, so I squished her...okay, I didn't, I put her high up on a shelf so I didn't have to deal with the rest of her polka dot life. I have enough other shit to worry about.

..Roofs...ummm..because they cover the house. I'm getting a little short in the Grace department. Check with me tomorrow.

awwww

I get National Geographic pic's on google...and I loved this one.

As much as I like my template...I'm getting the itch

When I read your blogs I can always see your personality come shining through with the template you have chosen. I never use the google reader "thing of a ma jig," because half the fun is reading it the way you will think it will look in your template. Isn't it too bad we can't just type our blogs into our templates and not on this little ugly form. I dare Google to do that...those google guys are spending way to much time doing other shit.

I made another loaf of bread tonite. And forgot about it in the oven. I turned out like a large boulder. I was on the phone with my SIL..and time got away from me... and poof, stone. Now all I have to do it bake about 5,678 of them I could make a nice rock garden beside my little pond. Oh, but the rain...in summer I forgot about that. Somehow, I don't think the rain could ever penetrate my rock loaves but just in case I'm thinking about putting some varnish over them. Then I would have phony rocks to put around my phony pond..which isn't really phony...it's just little and doesn't have enough water in it to drown a hairy rats ass.

And because it's winter and I'm cold and miserable...I want to see it on the screen one more time

There it is!!! Do you see my froggie with a fishing pole? I remember digging that hole and thought I was digging to China...because the ground was so hard. If we live here another year, I'm going to dig another one...just a little bitty one like this. Some people like to garden, I like to pond.

I just took a look at froggie...and he must have dropped his pole in the pond. I'm going to have to spank his little green bum.. I remember now I found it in the bottom of the pond last fall.

I was at the dollar store on Saturday and scored a few rabbits, an another two frogs.

Did I just hear someone say I'm getting obsessed with lawn/slash pond ornaments?...well that's your problem mister or mster...I like them the way they are. No fuss, no muss. I never need to feed them or take them out to go potty. They aren't garish, they just sit in silent slumber beside my pond. Like real animals would do if they were on Valium.

Laundy day from hell...swear words alert

As it is with a day from hell, it starts out bad and leaves even worse.



Before I even started we noticed the water temperture wasn't right after we took our showers. It became cold way too fast. But this problem was resolved by turning up the temp of the water heater, in hopes that OUR ONE YEAR OLD water heater hadn't bit the dust. That was the only thing that went right.



I put the first load in and went upstairs to make lunch. When it stopped I went back down and noticed that I had put the water level on "fucking nothing" (that would be low level in layman terms) the last time I did a small load I forgot to poop it up to "big Mother F*cking load mode. My clothes were barely wet. Damit...I had to do the load over again! When it was finished I threw it in the dryer, and put load number two in the washer. Then when I came back down again to put load number two in the dryer, I discovered that load #1 was on "fucking fluff" cycle and it was still all wet. I guess when I l did laundry last week and put in the small blanket I also changed the the dryer to f*cking fluff... then I took a small yet satisfying fit.



Now four loads of time spent have become 6. With the do-overs. What is wrong with me? I just did the forth load...and it was only Gord's winter jacket. I again lowered the water level because it was just a jacket, and sure as hell next wash day, I will not see I lowered it and the cycle will all start again. I could run downstairs right now, and turn it back to a full wash to make sure I don't do this again, but I'm tired. I want to be my worst enemy.



After I washed Gords winter jacket, (load #4) and before I threw it in the dryer, I took the time to read the label. It said DRY CLEAN ONLY. I looked at the jacket and it didn't seem any worse for wear, so I threw it in the dryer ...on "F*ckingFluff"....you see where I'm going here? Next weekend will be very much like this one. The washer water level will be on low, and the dryer will be on "fluffing forget it!"



I'm making a huge chicken tonight for Sunday Nite Supper.. It's a free range chicken my niece gave me yesterday....and it's huge and smells divine. She always gets her chickens from a Hutterite Coloney.



My good friend Mary Lou had a recipe on her blog on Friday for 5 minute bread.

I made it and it was delicious. I love bread with a crispy crust. And this recipe lets you make as much as you want and keep the rest of the dough in the fridge for two weeks. So, it's always fresh when you want to bake a loaf...or make pizza dough..whatever. It's wonderful for those that don't have time to go through the whole process of baking bread. This one was for white bread, but the next time I will try it with whole wheat. Thanks Mary Lou...my mentor.

We had a wind storm yesterday that was so unreal. I have never seen or felt winds gusting to about 90 mph.

I went to do some shopping, and stopped in Staples (god I love that store) to peruse new gadgets that I can't afford ... like a tiny little laptops which you could stick in your purse like a Chihuahua. That was at 3:15. By the time I talked myself out of buying the laptop it was 4:00 pm. The winds had picked up by the time I tried to get out of the door. Holy Shit! I was trying to cross the parking and almost lost my balance a few time. It was crazy.

As I was driving back to the grocery store I hit a red light. My truck was shaking like hell from the wind....... and I was getting a little scared....then I saw a huge metal sign flying up in the air.. just above me and it kept on getting lower, then the wind would catch it again and it would rise...and tumble again....finally the I got the green light and got out of it's path. As I approached the strip mall by my house, I saw pieces of huge "dish" on top of "Applebees" had come apart and was falling all over the parking lot. People were ducking! Then I went to Safeway. A lady was just coming out with her cart, and she had some "wrapped flowers" in it, that went sailing into the wind and landed about 20 feet away. She didn't even go after it...because she couldn't even buck the wind to get it. The last I seen of it ... was half way up the side of the building.

When I got home with my groceries, I pulled up the door on the back of my truck ...and the wind was just making it go up and down and I couldn't control it. I was scared to reach in and get my groceries because I didn't know if the door was going to slam down on my head before I reached them. So I put a piece of wood between the door and the floor just is case it came down and slammed me on the noggin. Never in my life have I seen winds like that.

I have been writing small pieces of this blog all afternoon between laundry from hell and doing bookwork for our company and making supper....and now it's almost 12:00 PM and I am finally finished. Not really, I have so much more bookwork to do, but it will have to wait. Back to my real job tomorrow.....arrrgggg... I'm a tired puppy. Have a good week!