Duh!

I didn't know if you screwed around with the header on your blog when you were doing a new post AND IF YOU DID NOT SAVE IT.. the new header would show up anyway. Well, fortheloveofgildaradner...I blew that ... my post looked like I just funnyfarmed myself....what you see is a picture of Gilda Radner and here I am telling you folks it's a picture of baby me giving the world the finger. Okay, for those who missed it:

Apparently this is not the one. I can't find it. I only have 10,456 pics on my hard drive.

To you, that had to experience this uncomfortable event, I want to give you a prize for the hardship this has caused you. Unlike Pioneer Woman, I don't have sponsors with the big ticket items to give you.

Please choose from the following items: Photo's available upon request.

• A HP Office Desk Jet K60 ...with an extra ink cartridge. Might need some work.


• A Canon JH045086 Photo copier. Works fine here, but can't guarantee it will after shipping.


• A Canon Scanner, works just fine. I just upgraded to a new one. It is slow, so if you have a lot of time on your hands, this one is for you. It would be good for the little woman at home, who has children to raise, and has all the time in the world to scan pic's slowly while she is changing diapers, getting spit up on, sleep deprived, looking at what once was her slender belly, becoming a looming pile ugly wrinkles, ....then this is the scanner for you. It will scan your baby's pic's by the time you get the kid bathed, deshitted, depuked, and deburped and in college. It's amazing how long it will take. Seriously, this will take the stress out of your life.

Email me your address, and I will send anyone of these items to you...shipping cost are extra...especially with the photo copier, it must weigh....hmmm...1000 pounds, they don't make them like that anymore! (Paper and toner included.)

I have more stuff, but I want to save the rest for the next time I screw up. Please don't send more than one entry, because .."hey" my server!...I live in Canada and we still use tin cans with wires attached to it. You wouldn't want all your entries to take down the whole network. So, go easy peesy.

Anyone offering anything over 5.00 bucks gets a 100% discount.

Look at me....

I was giving the finger before it was invented. I was way ahead of my time.

Brenda and Donna asked me to show you shiny things on Friday, but I only got to my computer tonight, so here are the things I love shiny. I hope that was the theme....

My engagement ring. That diamond would put Liz Taylor's to shame. See how reflects off the arborite of my kitchen counter top...this is a serious diamond. I haven't taken it off for 20 years, it was always just there. Today when I went to take it off I noticed my knuckles must of grown. I had to pry that sucker off, and after my photo shoot, I could not get it back over that fricking knuckle...... after a long struggle it's back where it belongs. I hope a mugger doesn't try to pry that humongous diamond off my finger, because he is going to have to chop my finger off .

Penny's nose, very shiny...and a little intimidating. The more you piss her off the shining comes through.

My Friday night wine glass ... it makes my soul shine.

My BIL's new motorcycle ..it makes his ego shine .. as an aside my house is to the right , I would never paint my garage door like that. What were they thinking?

That is one mean machine...oy....

All shiny stuff is done. Next time ask me for dull stuff.... I have a ton of that.

I am so enjoying the long weekend. But I still wake up at 7:30 AM....as usual, and give my alarm clock the finger. See!! I was way ahead of my time. Then I reclaim my covers from Gord and the dog, and snuggle down for a few more hours of weird dreams. Damit... I just want to sleep, but sleep had come and gone, and all that was left is ...lists of what to do on my days off. This morning I saved Gord about 30 times from falling in a hole. It was starting to get old, and I woke myself up, and made a mental note to not to dream again.....then I started with the lists again.. it was time to get my ass out of bed.

I did something I have never done since Gord has his incident....we had ham and eggs w/ toast, sliced tomatoes, and pickles for breakfast, it was actually lunch because it was late. Normally we don't do breakfast... just some fruit and toast. But today I let my guard down...and also on Friday, I bought a frozen Pizza for supper, it was just a little one with thin crust, but man did that taste good. I prefer to make my own Friday night supper, but because I work full time, I need a break. Just this once...it's a long weekend....let's live a little. Actually I like our Friday night Taco night better, I love the veggies and the taste of the taco shells.

Spent the afternoon working in the back 40. Almost got all the winter kill taken care of. I found all the crap out in the sheds to get my pond running again. That was nuts!! Gord always takes the stuff in the sheds for winter, and when spring comes, I have no idea where my stuff is.. but after checking it all out ..guess who I see!!! Jake the fucking Snake....the lawn mower from hell, who still resides in one of our sheds. I gave that bastard the "evil eye." Because I knew I had to get past him in the shed to get my stuff. He wasn't moving, he looked like he was still hibernating. So, I tippy toed around him to fetch my umbrella and stuff for my patio table. I know I shouldn't be scared of him anymore because Gord claims he tamed him last fall, and he wouldn't just start moving around the yard at will. I don't know, that lawn mower is evil. Gord said one of his spark plugs was off, and it made him a little..how you say...flippy. Sorry, I don't buy that shit, I saw that lawn mover moving around the lawn all by itself years ago. I hope I didn't wake Jake up this afternoon, I will spend all night waiting for him to break out our shed.

Bullets.. the blogger kind.

My week stunk.....whatever it was will be in list form. If I could put all my grievances in here on a excel spreadsheet and also formulate my mood swings on a graph chart ... I would. It would save a lot of swear words and unneeded typing of the words. You could just see the chart, and resume your lives. But, I won't be that kind. I will make you go through it piece by piece.

I think I will use bullets...only because I didn't have a gun this week. Heh
Okay blogger wouldn't let me use bullets today..but pretend they are there.

The first bullet goes to the lady/man who didn't take care of their dog on Tuesday. I found this little ugly pug thing running down my street on my way home for lunch. Of course, I can't let a dog run unattended..even if it has a pushed in face. And the rest of him would have been pushed it if he wouldn't have missed my front wheel by an inch! He ran off down the street. I sat in my truck thanking the dog gods that I didn't run over this ugly dog. Gathered my thoughts, drove home (1/2 a block away) and ran into the house and got a leash so I could catch the ugly son of a bitch who was taking up to much time of my lunch hour.

Gord was home already, and I told him...I'm going to rescue a lost dog....be back in a flash. I was really wondering if he could actually heat the Chili up himself before I got back, plus make toast. Two things...I didn't know... It was a lot to ask. I ran back to my truck, and went down the street, and I couldn't find the ugly dog. I finally turned around and was going to go back home when I saw him in the front of our cul de sac. I got out of the truck, leash in hand...unlike dog catchers who have lasso's or something like that. I called "ugly" and he wouldn't come, he just kept on running around me trying to let me catch him. He was starting to piss me off big time. We played this game about 4567 times, until I got fed up and was about to get in my truck and say "enough", and if he got run over ..to bad..so sad, because most of his face was already pushed in.

Just as I was ready to call it quits a lady pulls up from the back lane, jumps out of her car and tried to help me. SHE WAS GOOD! She gave the dog every command a dog might have learned. But, alas that flat faced little bitch, just ran circles around her too. Just as we were about to give up, the dog spotted an open fence across the road and ran into the yard. The lady yelled at me "now we got him", he has nowhere to go.! She ran after him really fast, and I was still standing on the street, hungry for my Chili...after all ...my lunch hour was getting smaller by the second. But, hey she had a point, so we left both our vehicles standing in the middle of the street ...with the doors wide open...our purses in them.....and ran after that flat faced bitch. After she ran in the yard, I went in next...and closed the gate. This dog was never ever getting out. We were a dog SWAT team. It took her about 5 minutes to tire that guy out, and she had him by the collar. She carried him out, and I put the leash on him, and she was about to give him to me...........until I said, I'm on my lunch hour...I don't know what I will do with the dog. No, problem said SWAT lady...she has tags, and I will phone the number on them. I almost kissed her, but hey, I'm not that gay. (yet). She asked me where she could return the leash, and I told her....and off she went with flat face. To her, I will be forever grateful for. I couldn't let a dog run loose on the streets. It could be mine.

Later that night, I went over the scenario in my head...and something jumped out at me. The dog obviously got out when someone left the gate open, I found the dog about 5 feet from the gate, he went back into after we were chasing him. OMG...we stole the dog from his own back yard!! I remember going into the back yard and seeing a lot of shit by the gate and also further in, but NO dog. I still don't know whose dog it was. I only know
SWAT lady lives a few blocks down from my place, so I don't know how she found the owner. She left the leash on my front steps the next day so I know it was all good.

It's a good thing I don't try to save the planet. It would all go to shit. You guys would be living in a dump. Common sense doesn't kick in until about 7 hours later.....and then it would be to late. And you would have to kiss your fat asses goodbye.

The second bullet goes to ...my husband gordie good guy. Thanks for waiting for me while I was rescuing a dog from his own back yard, while you were waiting for me to nuke the chili and make some toast for lunch. When I finally got back, you had figured out how to heat the chili up in the microwave, and you had the bread set up in the toaster. But, my dearest...you took this opportunity to take out the necessary utensils out of the drawers only to find.... OMG.. there was a "greeby" on a spoon that the dishwasher hadn't got...call 911. Also, there was a bowl that had some crap on it. How the hell did you pick those two.... out of 56788 dishes and utensils I have!! You did. To my defense, the bowl had been put in the dishwasher 4 times before, why you ask? because if you microwave scrambled eggs, it sticks on the bowls, and I don't have time to bend down, open the cupboard door under the sink, and find the scrubber. I tried to get it off with my fingernails, but I thought if I put in the dishwasher enough times that bastard would get that shit off. I want Kitchen Aid!! I hate this crap we have. I will have to make sure I never get home for lunch after you...because if you knew ..what you don't...you would never eat here again. heh... Hey, if you drop something on the floor...I use the 2 second time limit before it's inedible...and pick it up and put it back in the pot. Unless the dog gets it first.

I have some more bullets, but it's getting late. But I have a question???

Have you ever thrown something out because the dishwasher hasn't cleaned it? I have. I admit it. And my name in Joan.

Just trying to save your eyes

Be back tomorrow.

Sunday night Pot Roast just like my mom's

Thanks Brenda. keep on looking, I know you will find a better one than this. No hurry.

My Sunday night pot roasts of late, have been... let's say...a little bit dry and stringy. I know part of the problem is that I am using a very lean cut of beef. Pot roasts need fat in them to make em edible. Today, I bit the bullet, and acutally bought a cut of beef with a little fat in it. I probably won't let Gord eat any of it, because if he has another heart attack, it will be my fault. I will probably just let him smell it, and let him only eat the potatoes and veggies. I am such a bitch.


Nahhhh...I have eased up on the poor bastard, and every now and again, I let him have ham with his bread and mustard sandwich at lunch.


Thanks to you that gave me some information about doggies who suffer with arthertis. I felt so sorry for her today, because this was the first real day we could go outside without freezing our asses off. I could play in the garden, and Gord could start doing stuff with the lawn. She was allowed to come down to the lawn, but all she wanted to do is chase a ball. Well, ball chasing is over for her for now, as it always leads to a lame day the next day. And so it is for Gordon and I. We are lame too.


Hi Mom ... in heaven... please send me down your pot roast recipe. I can't get it right. Give Dad a hug...I love you ...Happy Mother's Day.




Showing off her big tomatoes from the garden.............. and she looks so serious. Look at her skinny legs, no hips...just like me. Now I know where I get it from. But I was never that serious, I have my dad's sense of humour ...as bad as that is.

You know?

All it took was little work to find the right place to change the html. It wasn't that hard. But the blog looks a little too busy anyway. I will have to take off my dangerous pictures on the right hand side and cool my shit. Who is getting tired of this shit? Raise your hand. Well, then I guess my blog is not for you, because I can't see any self improvement seminars in my future.



Brenda offered to look for a template for me...I love her, like she has nothing better to do than help me. I will see what she comes up with, I hope she knows, I am fussy as hell. What if I don't like it? Do I tell her, or make up a story like....I loved your template, but my dog ate it. Seriously, she jumped on my computer table, went to that box thing that holds the hard drive, and took the screws off with her very sharp teeth, pulled off the cover and ate the fucking hard drive. There was no stopping her. I was frightened.



After that when she was walking around in the dark, I could actually see slide shows of all "My Pictures"... shining through her belly. I kid you not! It was kind of scary when I saw a excel spreadsheet from our latest income tax return. I thought I had deleted that; because if the tax man ever commeth, and I say the dog ate the hard drive, all he has to do is watch her walking around in the dark! What a tangled web weave when first we begin to deceive.

So, let this be a lesson to y'all.

On a more serious note. I am still worried about my Penny Loafer. Her arthritis is not getting much better. I have all the tests done, and they say it's in her right knee. All the vet gave me was a pain killer called Metacam. And this drug has to be watched as it is hard on the dog's organs. In this last month I have only had to give it to her about 6 times, but I am being careful only to give it when she is limping. I am trying to keep her calm, but she doesn't realize she is a little lame until she see's a squirrel, and it's all over!!! Chasing it like she is two years old. Then we have to start all over, and she is better in about 3 days. So, I have been scouring the internet to find alternative therapy.

A friend of mine at work adopted a 7 year old lab from the Humane Society, who was very arthritic last year, she could hardly walk and was very over weight. I saw her when he got her, and felt so sorry for her, she could hardly get herself off the floor to get up. I saw her again on Monday, about 15 pounds lighter, and on a therapy of Glucosamine and Chondroitm plus pain relievers only when needed. She was a totally different dog. Active, happy, and has no trouble getting up and about. So, I am going to go that route. I have bought dog food that has Glucosamine and Chondroitm in it, plus a supplement. I have put Penny on a diet, she was a little over weight, but not much.

It is very hard to see such an active dog, barely even being able to walk some days, and she is only eight years old. We have a lot of walks to walk, and a lot of squirrels to catch.

If you have any suggestions on this....I would love to hear them.

Biker Bitch

I fixed it!!!

This should look better. Can you read it now???

It's too much work to fix this template...

So, I will have to hang up my "biker" template. There goes my image. I got a ton of spam emails today, and I was thinking...hmmmm maybe the "Hells Angels" were looking to recruit me, because I was so..."like" over the edge. Bad to the bone. A bad ass. But, apparently, they were trying to sell me Viagra, not drugs. Lord knows I don't have time for that stuff. I took it once and tried to hump my dog. I don't know what they put in that stuff, but maybe I should have read the instructions.......where it clearly indicated on the package.....THIS IS FOR THE MAN IN THE HOUSE. Back up the truck Jake....."what was the ole balonie thinkin?" Time for a check up.

But truly .... flowers and shit just didn't suit me. It's hard reading it after I have just written some really bad words. It's just seems....so wrong. I need youse guys to find me a template that you think suits me. A little off the wall, funny and no flowers.

This is your homework for tonight. Go...........and God speed....because I want this homework done by this weekend. Move... I don't see you moving fast enough...get your Google on.

Yours truly,

Biker Bitch.