Thursday, June 29, 2006

I was just minding my own business when....

I hurt myself, and there were witnesses.

My boss just left about an hour ago to go golfing and the office is dead ... nothing happening. So, I thought I would tidy up in the back warehouse a bit, and then decided to go out for a smoke.

Someone had placed a large pallet in the back of the building, it's about 6' high and 2 ft. wide and it was propped vertically against the wall with the front part facing the wall leaving the inside exposed. For some reason I backed myself into it and put my heels on the bottom rung, and rocked on it for a few minutes. It was kind of cool. Then, for some unknown reason, I decided to turn around, facing it and put my feet on the rung.

Have you ever stepped on a rake and got bonged in the head by the handle? Well, I got hit with a pallet just that way. "Fortheloveofadonkeysass".... how fricken stupid!! I got a bump on my nose and my glasses are all crooked.

A couple of guys were just coming out of the restaurant across the back lane and ran over to see if I was alright. God,I was so embarrassed. I just shoed them away, and said I was fine. I pretended I was rearranging the position of the pallet and it had come down on me. They picked it up and set it down against the wall horizontally, so no little kids would get hurt if they played on it. Yeah!!

Can you believe it...gawwddd..

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Let's try uploading pics again

To those of you who are really tired of my garden, get out now, whiles the gettings good, because I won't be stopping this until I have killed them all off. Check back next week LOL.. click to enbiggen....

This is my Mom and Dad on a swing, they just don't know it yet....well maybe they do if they have Angel status already.

This is a plant I got from Superstore that cost me 97 cents last year. I have no idea what it is but it has cute little bells on it. I think I will call it "Hells Bells" to hell with the botanists..I name me own plants ..thank you very much.

This is the first Raspberry of the season. Taadaa. Normally, after the berries are ready I can't even get into the bushes when the mosquitoes are out, but we have had such a dry season, I think I will beat the crows, robins and mosquitoes to them, and have me a big bowl of raspberries with a little whipping cream and sugar in it. Hmmm.

Last, my little lamb's ears. Leslie says they go all over the place, so I will have to get Penny on it, because she likes to "herd" Lambs or anything that moves. Mostly Gord and I. God, you don't even need to own a clock in this joint, she will tell you when it's supper time, and "herd' you to the table.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Disciplining your plants

Did I miss the memo, or has blogger over extended itself. Uploading of pictures seem to be a thing of the past. Forcryinginthesoup!

I have so much to show you. I spend the better part of yesterday slogging away in the garden, putting in more perennials. I'm sure it will look like a dog's breakfast come next spring, as I am not what you might say, a patient gardener.

Dig the hole, put some "nice dirt in it" to cover the clay base it had. Throw in some water, try to get the plant out of it's root bound is where I had to be a little cruel, and knock it around with a hammer. Then plants slipped out like a baby from the womb...into the dirt, close it up with new dirt....water. Job done. On to torture the next one.

Neighbor's from far and wide heard them crying...."help, we are in balonies garden, and we can't get out." I told them to shut up..they were giving me a bad name in the hood.

It was sad.

Then I put on the sprinkler, to deafen their cries.

I went out to the garden after work today, checked up on them, and they looked pretty perky. Unless, they were so scared of me, they stood at attention! I could have swore some of them saluted. So, I'm thinking they need a lot of discipline. I will be going out there everyday, and addressing them by their botanical name... and make them give me "five." I'm strict like that.

I bought a little plant that was sooooo cute. It was called Lamb's Ear. It was so soft and furry. Penny, of course has to inspect everything I bring in or out of the house. When she sniffed the Lambs Ear, she licked it softly with her tongue. I think they bonded. A Drill sergeant like me, always have a favorite in the group, and I will go easy on the Lambs Ear if it doesn't start turning into a "yellow belly."

Another purchase I made was a garden statue thingamdoo. It is so sappy, but I love it. It's two people on a swing. And there is a WELCOME sign on top of it. Sappy, yes...but I likes it. This garden was formerly my parents garden, so it looks like them relaxing in it. It's looking less like a prison courtyard now, with all the plants softening up the background.

Well, time to start supper. We are having Fish tonight. I have some nice fish I have seasoned in lemon pepper and dipped in flour, and will fry them into ultimate crispness in butter. Along with some Spanish Rice.

You don't want to know what Sunday supper was, because it was a little off. I wasn't at the top of my game. It was acceptable, but it was obvious that my attempts in gardening in the afternoon had taken it's toll on me. Walking for one, was hard. Don't ever try to break in a new pair of flip flops if you are going to be on your feet all day! Both my big toes look like a swollen butt cracks. As in most summers, you have to build up the callus between the toes, to be able to flip flop.

Strawberries are in season again. I was going to go to one of those U-Pick fields and pick a pail or two. But Gord found one that much the better... the last time I went and picked them myself I had heat exhaustion and damn near killed myself. I have no idea why I chose to put on a black sweatshirt, (with a hoodie) on a humid day to pick strawberries. My face was purple, by the time I got home, and I didn't know what was wrong with me. Fortunately, I did realize that I had some heat related thing going on. Gord wasn't at home at the time, so I panicked a bit, and jumped into a cold shower and stayed there for a long time until I started to feel better. After I got out and started to warm up again, I felt sick and puked. Then I took cold wet towels and wrapped them around my neck, and just rested and drank a lot of water. I must have done the right thing, because an hour later I felt fine. But, it was pretty scary driving the 20 miles back from the Berry Farm, feeling very weird. Let that be a lesson to you. Do.Not.Overdress.In.The.Heat. ps..I only did that because those frickin "yellow jackets" get me and then I swell up like a beached whale.

So, from now on, I will never do anything for myself, because I am such a Princess. I will have everything delivered. Ahhh, that's the life.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Hippy Chicks Partay...

As always, if you can finally get me to go to a party, you can't get me to go home.

Sigh...story of my life.

It was fun, my girlfriend from Edmonton was in for the week, so I invited her to the party as well. My SIL who was also invited met up with me and my girlfriend at my house and I drove them over there. In all the hoopla,along with bringing the present, and 4 folding chairs, I forgot my camera, and my dynamite stick!! Fudge!! Just as well, she lives in an area where the houses on each side almost touch each other, I may just have started a fire.

Her daughter set the whole thing up, and it was very interesting, on how to make the transition to cronehood.

She invited those women that have changed her life from the day she was born up until
today. Those that are still alive that is.

As, I have said before she has women in her life from many different backgrounds, and it was interesting to see how they all came together.

She has her intellectual friends, (book club and all that)Arts etc...and some from her work who are immigrants who she helped flee their country when they were in danger, and they there are the old standby's from the past. I am one on them. So, it was quite a mix of people.

It was Wickin like. Her daughter had brought a huge..What looked like a cauldron with a piece in the centre that was smoldering. The circumference was filled with sand. We were all given candles, and straw hats to wear? I don't know why. When the candles were lit, we were asked to come up one by one and announce our name and put the candle in the cauldron in front of her. There was some chanting going on too. Once we were all finished, Desiree, her daughter, said..."Mom, blow out the candles of your birthday cake". It was very cool.

After that, they did the three changes of a woman, from maiden, mother to crone.

She sat on a chair with a mirror in hand, but could not see herself because her daughter had draped her head with three different veils. And then she read passages of "stuff"..sorry I can't be more helpful here..and each time she changed from maiden to mother to crone a veil lifted off. And at the end she could see herself in the mirror. It was quite symbolic.

Ellen would have liked it, because I was sitting beside a teacher, and when she had her turn to say something about Janis, she had "hand outs", IN HER FAVORITE FONT, no less, for each of us to read. We didn't get graded. Thank you Jebus. I could tell by her file folder, she would have liked to done a "unit" on us, but fortunately time was of the essence.

It was fun, it was Janis, this is exactly who she is. All those who made up her life, were their to celebrate her cromedom. I am still pissed off I forgot my firecracker, but I told everyone of my pyromanic? tendencies, and they thought it would have been a "blast"....but best be left to the professionals!!

I left at 11:30, maybe one drink of wine over the limit. She makes even better homemade wine than I do.

Many more, my friend!!

I will have some pic's next week, her neice said she would send some to me of the pagan party.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Garden Pic's

Just some pic's I took this evening after I watered my little garden.

Okay, if you are wondering what that board is doing in the pond, I'm here to tell you it's a "Bug Saver". Yes, you heard me right. This pond is steep and goes straight down without a ledge. Everytime I go to check on it, I see about 4 or 5 of what appears to be water beetles, swimming for their lives...all their tiny feets are pushing frantically to keep above water, and they are trying desperately to climb up the side. And they are smart little buggers, they will latch on to a leaf or a piece of tree bark that is floating in the pond and sit on it. When I come home from lunch I have been saving them and scooping them out, and the same after work. So, the other day, I decided I needed to devise a way of letting them save themselves. Fortheloveofabug...I can't babysit them forever you know. So, I started to think. dumb deedie dumb...and what I came up with was, I put a old tomato stake in the water, which immediately floated (thanks Dave) and propped the end of it on the edge of the pond. So, today, there was not one beetle in the pond. Hurrah!! I would have loved to watch "the march of the beetles" when they finally found their way out, but I was at work. I will take pic's of that this weekend.

So, tomorrow is hippychicks party. I am not ready. I hate parties, and I heard today there was going to be about 30 people (women) outside on a small deck.

Non stop talking. Non stop ringing in my ears. I will need many drinks to try to fit in. I cannot drink many drinks to fit in, because I have to drive. Now only don't I need a tampon for this party, I also need some some major drugs. It's a slippery slope.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I need a Tampon

I have decided that the method I will use at Hippychicks B.Day is to put a tampon on top of a really big firecracker, and blow it sky high... my dilemma I go to Safeway and buy a box of tampons (which would be a real big waste of money) or do I steal it. All these years I have been getting "free" tampons, and pads of all sizes dropped in my mail box by a very red faced adult carrier. Now nothing?

Who told them I went into Menopause. Some shitbag did.

Big Brother has been watching me. I resent that. It was probably that fucking Census thing I sent in to the government this year.

As luck would have it, I found a bag of firecrackers in the closest. Gord must have been saving them up for the day I kicked the bucket! Love is strange.

Therefore, there will be a firecracker in the mailbox next time the Adult Ad carrier sticks his/her bony little fingers in my mailbox. Snap, crackle, are history my friend, and if you land without any injury, don't forget my Sears Catalogue next time..asswipe. I know, I know, I shouldn't shoot the messenger, but it's much easier than phoning the government and asking them to get their nose outta my bidness.

Let me see what I got here: ( really!! I have them sitting right here on my desk)
Firecracker #1 - Venus Flytrap "warning it erupts throwing stars and flaming balls".. hmmm I like that one you can never get tired of flaming balls!!

Firecracker #2 - Rainbow Mine - Multi Colour Star Mine - with flash crackers. Nah, not so much.

Firecracker #3 - (it's very tall) Tarantula - shoots up multicolour with 7 loud detonations (sounds like the one I will put my tampon on...I would like to go out with 7 loud bangs..if you know what I mean).

Firecracker #4-5-6 are least the look that way, they are called Screaming Thunder - "use only with the supervision of adults." I guess I should leave them at home. I don't know if we can even find anyone older than us to supervise. I might have to take them to a seniors home, but then of course the noise might just kill some of them off. Not a good plan.

Okay then, where do I get a tampon? Short of stealing a box from Safeway. I'm thinking of going to a public washroom and buying one. Or, last resort finding an old one. I know that's an ewwwww. But, it might just be the impact I am looking for.

Time to get going, and put the fireworks away...before I accidentally blow myself up. I had a candle on my desk and moved it about 10 times, ooppps too late........



Monday, June 19, 2006

Oh Shit

Edmonton Oilers lost. Some people from North Carolina won it. It's not even cold out there ever!! I have never got used to the idea of the southern leagues, it seems so wrong. When Phoenix took our beloved Winnipeg Jets, I timed out. How can you watch a hockey game in the the people in the South really care? Or do they just have bigger bucks out there? I loved the good old days, when the Stanley Cup was Canadian. As you can see, I have never been a hockey fan, but my family was, and I know right now, my dad in heaven, is right pissed off! My uncle Frank, who lives on the cloud next door to Mom and Dad, will owe his bookie a pile of dough tonight. He's Italian, so if I were those Hurricanes I'd be worried, he's got contacts here are earth.. boom dadda know what I mean.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Fadder's Day

The joke was , we always called it Fadder's Day. I don't know why, except we liked to twist words around, and then we would all laugh. Mother's day was Mudder's day, and, oh boy, was that funny!

I was sitting in the garden this evening, and just reminiscing about all the good times we had when Mom and Dad used to plant their vegetable garden here. It has all changed now, it is a prison courtyard, but before that it was a family garden. I can remember so many evenings they would come over and work in it. I had one of those old rickety wooden picnic tables sitting on the lawn beside it, and we would sit there for hours discussing the next crop, the weather, mosquitoes, etc. Those were good good times. Dad was always in charge of the potatoes and corn, Mom did the rest. Sometimes they went home with splinter up there bums, because that seats of the picnic table, were in some disrepair. But that too, was always the joke of the week.

I will never forget the time, when I had some of those web type folding chairs on the lawn beside the garden, and dad decided to sit down on one of them, ... the ground being somewhat uneven, made the chair go backwards and collapsed!! HAAA. all I can remember he started falling backwards in slow motion, and rolled off of it. Of course we were all worried if he was hurt, but he wasn't.. Just to be sure I made him a stiff Rye and Coke!! His favorite drink.

I remember when we were young, every evening in summer we would sit out on the front steps and wait to see "sputnik." He would trace it out in the sky for us before it even came. He was always right, it came the same way every time. God, we thought he was smart. He could fix anything, and catch the biggest fish. My of my, he was me hero.

There was never a Christmas present given to him he couldn't guess, he would shake the box, and tell you what was in it. I used to get soooo mad, blaming my Mom for telling him, but she always said she hadn't. It was weird, I'm sure he subliminally transmitted messages to our very small brains telling up what he wanted.

I remember when he was older, probably around 75, when we got him a wireless phone. He didn't quite get the technology, and thought he could use it anywhere, not only in his house. So, he brought it to the garden one day, and decided to try it from here, and I tried explaining to him that he could only use it in his house, because the signal was connected to his phone. He didn't quite get it. But this was before cell phones, so he the right idea!! Phones should work anywhere!!

My dad loved fishing. It was his outlet from a very stressful job. We went fishing every Sunday for as long as I can remember, along with different neighbor's and relatives. He taught me, and I taught my two nephews the same way. I passed the legacy down. I may be repeating myself here, because what I am writing seems so familiar, but then I have been doing a lot of thinking today.

Happy Fadder's day (Fuddica) I miss you so much.


Thursday, June 15, 2006

Kids and Jail Bait

Welcome the newest little critter to my family. Linda Paige. She will be called Paige, and was named after my cousin Linda.

Here she is all squished up after coming out of the chute, she looks like she would like to do some Kung Fu Fighting!

She is very special, and a new sister to Cooper her brother. I can't believe all my cousins kids are "having" kids... I feel like an ole granny.

I am exhausted, I just finished mowing the back 40 and the humidity was high, and living wasn't easy, so hush pretty baby, I don't need to hear you cry~~~ I'm so tired I broke out into song. We need rain so bad around here ... I'm still spitting dust.

My little garden is coming along, even though I was getting disappointed in it. I have been working at it a little every evening. It still looks like a prison courtyard, but with all the vegetation coming up, it's starting to round out a bit. It looks nice right now, with all the LED lights softly glowing beside the gas chamber. All the inmates have gone to bed, except for bubba and his girlfriend Fredhead, who are doing IT behind my hedge. I'm going to dig me a moat around the garden, like Alcatraz, so I can keep them all to myself. I won't need my alarm clock in the mornings anymore, the rattling of tin cups on their cages will be enough to rouse my sleepy head. I'm jail bait. HA!!...I am also very tired, does it show? If I wasn't so tired I would keep on doing jail jokes. Oh, I just thought of another one. If you want to get in contact with any of my inmates, you can email them at I'm just starting to amuse myself..but that's a sure sign that no one else is.

Okay, I'm going to bed. The warden has ordered "lights out". Yes Boss, here I come, fortheloveoflockdown......clink.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I'm fearing the hag and embracing the crone..I am

My hippychick friend has just invited me to her 60th. birthday party, with a twist. Here is her invitation.

A Celebration of Aging

On June 23, 2006 I will be celebrating the fact that I have lived to the age of 60, and celebrating some of the many friendships that have made it all worth the doing.

Although men have profoundly altered the course of my life, it has been women who have helped me survive and embrace the journey. For this reason I am asking my women friends to join me in this major transition in my life, into the time of the crone.

The three archetypes of woman, maiden, mother and crone, are rooted in our bodies and framed by social conventions. The maiden embodies hope - innocence, youth, playfulness, spontaneity - the stage ends with menstruation, by which time we have learned our place, have learned to please. The mother personifies love - fertility, productivity, strength - the gentle nurturer and fierce protector, years ruled by the body. None of us have escaped the pressures - to give birth, to multitask, to be sexier, thinner, fitter, smoother, younger. Menopause ushers us out of this phase into the age of the crone, the fulfillment of female life experience, the age of wisdom.

The word crone once meant ‘wise woman’ and, in antiquity, was a term of respect. The crone was a voice of wisdom, an elder, a healer, a counsellor and a teacher who had traveleded the paths of maiden and mother and possessed the accumulated wisdom of her years. The transition to cronehood was a rich and empowering experience, an important rite of passage, though not one associated with a specific age. Now old women are, all too often, seen as a burden; the loss of sexuality renders us obsolete, invisible - we are pushed aside, silenced, forgotten.

Today, youth and the body have become obsessions that most women buy into (as I can attest to in this year of my folly). It is an important time for women to reclaim the status once achieved by cronehood. In awakening the crone we acknowledge that age, experience, knowledge and power are profound gifts that no one can take from us.

This invitation is a request for your participation in this transition - releasing baggage accumulated by the maiden, letting go the over-achievement, striving and control of the mother - to move from fearing the hag to embracing the crone and the gifts that she brings.

Please bring something to celebrate women and transitions. It could be a story, a picture, an object, a song - perhaps something that reminds you of a woman who has made a difference in your life, perhaps something from your own lifeÂ’s journey., It is my hope that together we can create a ritual to welcome the crone, the wise women, who lives in us all.

So, okay, you guys know me well enough, what do you think I should bring to the party, other than my cronie old body? I am uncomfortable, I am not wise, I still make bad choices at 60. I have never had children. The only wise thing I ever have done is stop picking my nose in public. I hope she remembers that I am still a child in an old woman's body. I'm going to have to fake this whole thing!!

She is one of my best friends, and I wish I could immerse myself into the depths of all what it means to her to turn 60. But for her sake I will do what I can. I don't like milestones, and try to keep them at bay.

She has walked many roads, I have never walked. She was married, had two children, and divorced. She brought up her children by herself in the 70's. Life was not easy. She went back to school and earned a degree in architecture. She worked for the man and got the experience she needed in her field, and then went on to start her own business. She ran a very successful business for many years. As her children grew older, she found herself at a crossroad, and wanted to persue a more
meaningful existence. She packed up and sold her house in Regina, and moved back to Winnipeg and enrolled in Bible College here in Winnipeg. Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather when she told me of her plans. A bible college??? I was flabbergasted!! But, you have to know Janis, she always has a plan. A real plan, not like one of my plans LOL. To make a long story a little shorter, she took two years of theology, women's studies, and a multitude of other stuff I can't remember, and graduated top of her class. She was always smart in school, when we were kids, I was the duuuuumbster. Then, after all her education was finished, she was looking for work in the Mennonite Community in the "Service Field." She found an organization that were sponsoring people to immigrate to Canada that were being persecuted in their countries. I think it only paid $500.00 a month to start. She took it. This organization was just starting and was having a hard time getting funding, but she thought it was worthwhile. She created her own job there.

Then the shit hit the fan. She discovered she had breast cancer. Just one more hurdle for our hippychick. She had her breast removed, and has been cancer free every since. It was a traumatic event, that I am sure it changed her life and the way she looks at it now. She has been working at the same organization for the last 10 years and now is a well respected in her field.

Last month, if you may remember I told you she was having breast reconstructive surgery after all that time. It went wrong. It had to be redone. After 4 months she has a breast again, but not without a huge struggle and sacrifice. That's my hippychick! Now she was finally feeling better and starting to get on with her (endless summer activities) she broke her wrist...dancing ...fortheloveofahippy... she fell down at a wedding dance (she says she was sober)..ahem. With last breast reconstruction they had to take some tissue from the right side of her back just behind her arm, which would render her arm useless for about 4 weeks, and after that she would have to be very careful not to pull on it too much. Now she broke the left arm. So, she is pretty well useless. HAAA..(just kidding Janis, I know you read my shit). But, giving up is not in her vocabulary. So she is throwing herself a partay! And even invited Joan the Drone Crone. aka balonie

I don't know how I can top the "fart jar" present I gave her last year. I'll come up with something. I'm not sure about what I will bring from my life's journey. I'm trying to find an old tampax I might not have thrown away. Maybe we can prop it in the ground and set it off like a firecracker, and say goodbye to the hag, and welcome the crone. dunno?

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Gas be gone

I took "Gas be gone"..and it just disappeared into thin air. If I would have had a brian or is that brain in my head, I would have aimed it at the gas tank of my truck. Apparently I have bought a gas guzzler. There is no end to her thirst. I must admit I am somewhat disappointed. It uses as much as the big horking van! I could still be riding in style, intimidating all those little termites in the lane next to me, and watching TV at the same time. Now all I hear is a slurping noise, and my pocketbook getting emptier and emptier. So, to off set the costs, I didn't mow the lawn this week. Hey, gas is expensive, and I am lazy so this just seemed the right time to economize.

I've been gardening for two days. I have come to realize that this just isn't my forte. I got the little pond going, and have planted a multitude of pereninals, in probably all the wrong spots. Last night just before A.Adjustment hour I had just finished screwing something up, and had to climb up the back deck on my hands and knees, ...I had no juice left in me. I tried to get the back deck all ready for the season, scrubbing and sweeping me heart out, putting out the rest of the patio furniture etc. Dognabit, I was tired.

Today, I was still was not happy with the garden. I went to Wal Mart and bought some phony patio stones. No, I didn't..I bought large pancakes. I don't know why they didn't just call them "pancakes that went wrong" and we will sell them to you a low low prices.....because now as they sit in my tiny garden, it looks like "jack in the bean stock" barfed in my garden. I could have probably saved a lot of money just by sodding it over with grass, and feck it I need to get creative and hurt myself in the meantime. SOMEONE STOP ME. I'm serious, I need and intervention. I haven't even dug some of the big plants into the ground that I have bought, it's getting too mind boggling. Oh, and while I was at it at Walmart I bought some of those solar lights for the garden. Good luck to me, I can't remember when I have sat out on the deck after dark. Either it's too cold, mosquitoes, or I'm in bed. Summer is so overrated. I'm putting a stop to it today. Whatever I have left to do will be the end. I mean it. Don't make fun of me. Because I would rather be "bunged" up than kneeling in the dirt with the neighbor's laughing and pointing at me.

Just look at this mess. I will never be on the cover of Home and Garden

It looks like a prison courtyard.

I can't wait for winter, when all this shit will be covered with snow. I'm not kidding. I love winter.

Penny and I went for a walk today. She was on her best behavior, only because there wasn't another dog in sight!! As we got to the corner of our street, a crow started dive bomb us. It was down right scary!! I guess he/she had a nest in the big poplar trees that line the street. That crow should be recruited to the US Army, in Iraq. He had our every move blocked. I think I saw a birdie machine gun under one of his wings. His only problem was that he kept crowing, so we knew his position. Penny and I being well versed army tactics, were dressed in camouflage, and when he advanced, we immediately took refuge in a neighbor's open garage. Finally the crow left. I didn't know what tactical move to make next. I knew I had to get across the street to the park. So we slid on our bellies, down low, right across the kiddy crosswalk to the park. We were a little cut up, but the crow didn't know what happened to us. We lost that sucker. However, on the way back, we had to go past the same tree. So we had a meeting, Penny suggested we go to the next block, then come home down the back lane. We obviously belong to the Canadian Army.

Friday, June 09, 2006

I am bloated

I know this is gross, but I am bunged up. I have 35 lbs. of spagetti laying there waiting to meet the bowl. Nothing will make it budge. I tried doing it in three different bathrooms today, and it became apparent to me that a change of scenery was not what I needed. Exlax mabye. Or maybe an enema. Somethings gotta give.

If you hear a news report of an explosion in Winnipeg, you will know it wasn't our propane tank on the barbeque that blew...It will be me..and there will be little bits on balonie flying over the world kissing your faces.


Thursday, June 08, 2006

Gimme a tylenol

I’m bending down on one knee and have my arm resting on it with my middle finger pointed upwards. It's a stricking pose. I would have another finger up my arse if I could reach's been that kinda day my friends.

This has been a day from the movie “Blazing Saddles”…tonight was a shit show, to quote Ms. SK. All we needed was to sit by an open fire eating beans, and farting our faces off. An explosion would have been welcomed, to deflect the the stress.

I came home from work, started dinner. Okay, if you need to know what I made, it was spaghetti with a twist..hehe you know me, I twist every friggin thing I can get me hands on. After I finished twisting the spaghetti, I took Penny out in the back yard for play time. Well, two minutes into that, she twisted (see what happens around here) her leg!! And was hobbling along. So, I picked her up and brought her up to the deck and started CPR. Where upon she started running around like a fool, and her leg didn’t appear to hurt anymore. Just then, Gord get’s home, and he is still hobbling along with his broken knee. I get the dog calmed down and give her supper, and treats. Then, Gord goes to the can, as he always does the minute he enters our domain. I don’t what it is about our house that makes him want to take a shit, but it’s like clockwork.

So, I thought I had everything under control. The dog was fed, played with for a short, time, and her leg was healed. Here is my small window of time to write a blog.

Not so. I saw a car pull up on the driveway, and I yelled to Gord in the crapper…”are you expecting anyone?” …

Gord: What?
Joan: Are your expecting anyone, I saw a car pull up in the driveway.
Gord: Yeah…some guy is supposed to come over tonight to look at the Bronco (my old truck that we have for sale)
Joan: Well, he’s here now!
Gord: #$%^%$... I can’t even wipe my ass around this place.
Joan: Take your time, I don’t want to see any brown spots in your shorts come wash day.
Gord: Go out and tell him I’m coming.
Joan: I'm running down the stairs….greeting potential Bronco buyer, and tells him that the owner is just now wiping his ass, as will be with him shortly. The dog with the lame paw, now has made a remarkable recovery, and it trying to butt the Bronco buyer through the window. Evenually she knocks herself out, and all is quite.
Gord: Finishes his business, finally!! He goes out and meets the guy.

Phewwww. I fed the fish, and sat down in front of the computer to start my blog. Opp’s the phone is ringing.

I get up, and it’s my “hippychick” girlfriend who I haven’t seen in a few weeks and we start to chat. I should say, tried to chat. The dog has made a recovery and is still butting her head on the window because this stranger was in our driveway, and while I am on the phone with my friend I was yelling at her. We managed about 5 minutes of conversation and then Gord’s Cell phone started to ring on the counter………fortheloveofmymother….what now!!! I got off the phone with her and it was someone who wanted to buy the property we have for sale where we were once going to build our dream house on. His name was X Yu. What a funny name. Gord came in and got the call. I couldn’t get passed his name. Did his parents name all their children a letter of the alphabet, if so, he must of had two more siblings Y & Z. Y Yu, (ha ha) and Z Yu. God, I hope his brother F Yu changes his name.

THEN, I sat down to do my blog......and guess what...blogger was down.

I shit on you blogger. I shit on this entire day.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Cell phones and driving 666

There are evil and ignorant people in the midst of our society that feel the need to talk on their cell phones while driving and put our lives in danger. What is wrong with you asswipes? I can see you in front of me and behind me when I am driving. You seem to be practicing your hand, eye co-ordination with little success. No one will ever sleep with you, because it's obvious to me your hands have way to many other things to do.

I swear to God, yesterday when I glanced in my rear view mirror, a man, along with 4 passengers, was talking on his cell phone and also talking with his hands! He may have been Greek or Italian, I don't know, but it was obvious to me that everything the caller said to him, made him lift his HAND off the steering wheel, and shake it violently. The steering wheel during those few seconds was left unattended, because he had the phone in the other hand.

Last week, there was a lady driving in front me. We stopped at a red light. She was frantically pulling up stuff from her purse, and finally found her mascara. She started to put it on, then the light turned green. She didn't bat an eyelash...Ahem she just kept putting it on and driving. At the next red light, she started digging in her stash of goodies in her bag, and came up with her cell phone, and a smoke. She lit her cigarette, and dialed her cell phone number before the light turned green. I followed behind her for another block or so, and she was talking on the phone, and took her hands off the wheel several times to flick the ashes off of her cigarette out the window. I have actually met some people who read when they drive. I'm not kidding. We came back from the lake a few years ago, and passed a lady beside us and she had a book propped up on her steering wheel. And we wonder why our roads are so dangerous.

The only time I ever take my hands off the wheel is when I'm picking my nose, and then realize the guy beside me saw me doing it, and I pretend there is something in my eye. I must admit there has been times when I am guilty of being irresponsible while driving.

When I was young, I drove drunk a lot. Nope, I'm not to proud of that. But in those days it was acceptable, there weren't any laws at that time that were scary enough to make you stop. I will never forget the time I was at a party, and a tow truck company towed my car to compound for being illegally parked. I found the address of the place, and along with the help of Gord, went there, spotted our car and I jumped in and drove it out of the compound before they knew what happened!! They tried to stop us, but we just blew that popcorn stand. Yeah, just call us Bonny and Clyde...we were the wild ones. Sometimes I have nightmares of the stuff we did. I could tell many more tales, but I am so glad I grew up when I was 40 LOL.... yes, it took that long. And some days I miss the adventure; now I just worry about my mortality. How did that happen?

Now we drink and eat responsibly, worry about about our breasts, prostates, weak knees, aching backs, and any mole that presents itself. We drive carefully, and are responsible citizens. All the stuff we stuck our tongues out to in the 70's have been put back in our mouths. Okay, we still have our Saturday night Attitude Adjustment Hour with the old gang, and some of the old dynamics still surface. But,hey we ain't dead yet!!

I had no idea where I was going with this, this may have become a little disjointed, like our bones. Gord is having a real problem with his knee right now, and is a little worried about it and as a appliance serviceman, he is always bending down etc. (mostly because I'm kicking his ass).. ahh nevermind.. Being in your own business is a risky business, especially iffin some of your parts don't work right. He won't listen to me right now, but I will get him to go to the doctor soon, he has had problems with it the past. I got him a good knee brace today, so we will see how that works tomorrow. And if that doesn't work, I will ask him to bend down once more...and know what I'll do. "Boot to the ass."

Sunday, June 04, 2006


How many months has it been since I have done any hard labour? All my "raisin" bones have turned into jelly. For, I have done some hard yard and deck work. It's not worth a picture yet, but by next week, I should have it ship shape, and worthy of a photo. I got my little pond working again, and put all the little gremlins around it. The oldest of old farts would be proud of me. Let's hear it for the dollar store, I couldn't do this crap without your low prices.

I bought most of my bedding plants on Friday. I kept it too a minimum this year, because I don't like watering plants, I just like to see them grow.."Sorry mom"...You knew I was a lazy ass. The garden interests me more now, because I have perennials and they come back every year. But, of course I am buying more and more of them. Ahhh, well, that will be my legacy, my little stinky flower garden. All the plants I abused last year grew again this year, so I bought more of them.. who knew? So with the least bit of effort a flower will grow, you have to love that.

My pond, once again proved to be in pukeuglystank. I had already cleaned it out once, but, the stank prevailed. So, I cleaned it out again, and then again once more. Now I can see the bottom. Stink is no longer in the air..much to Penny's chagrin. Why do dogs like the smell of putrid smelly water?

I got the indoor - outdoor carpeting back on the deck, along with the patio furniture, and the umbrella. We are almost back in business, and guess what, by next week we will have a mosquito infestation....and all this will be for not. Why am I such an optimist this time of year? It only goes to shit in a week or so. How many times does Mother Nature have to hit me on the head? At least she got me out there doing stuff and lightened the load of the lead in my pants. And I'm telling pants were getting somewhat heavy.

You internets, don't want to know my Sunday Suffer..oops I mean Supper.

Potato salad
Pork Roast
No fuss no muss supper.

I made a batch of potato salad and used a new recipe from my SIL. Then started to make a marvelous lean pork roast on the barbecue. Then barbecue wouldn't work. Phisssssssersss... Gord wasn't home, but I know how to use the sucker, and everytime I clicked the clicker to get the propane going it would only go "click", "click" click"..over and over. No fire. The instructions on the barbecue were: If the starter doesn't work, throw a match into me, I value my eyebrows, I have done shit like that before and lost facial fuzz. So, I stuck in the oven.

After all was said and done, the potato salad tasted like the socks of some golfer who had just finished 18 holes, and the pork roast, was a tad dry, and tasted umm porky. I have no dessert, because I didn't buy any. I am so alone.

Do not make potato salad with that packaged ranch dressing mix you can buy. It tastes like just what I said "up there." I'm still burping it, fortheloveofallthosewhoarenearanddeartoyou...stop violating potato salad with ranch dressing!!! Use it in a dip, put in on your salads...but DO.NOT. violate your potato salad. Good god people.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

I'm ready for summer

Okay, truth be told, I didn't eat the lawn. I used our NEW/PREVIOUSLY OWNED lawnmower. She ate it all up...!! She's a fine looking machine, and does everything I tells her to do. I say, "girl..start your engines"...and she actually does! She is nothing like old evil "Jake the Snake" the lawnmower of yore. She's perky, likes to please, and is light as a feather. I love her. I think I will name her "Pleasure"...sounds like a fine name for one so giving and caring. I am sure she was the valedictorian of her class. There was not a stump I went over that made her cry. She didn't stall, or even give me the evil eye. It's a match made in heaven.

Jake is still in the shed. If he would have had any gas in him he would have come out shooting. I could hear him grumbling in there, while Pleasure was parading her ass all over the lawn. I sort of feel sorry for the old guy, he served us well, ummm..okay when he wasn't spewing gas in my face and running all over the lawn without a parental guidance. Maybe I should make him into a lawn ornament, and hang flowers on his parts. Somehow, I think that might make him mad, and god knows what he might do when I'm not looking. Especially now, when the competition is so close at hand. One, can't be too careful with power equipment, they have a life of their own.

Okay, this weekend I'm going fix up my pond, put in some flowers, and get out the patio table and chairs...summer is here. And let's not forget the wine.