Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Just call me Sticky Pants

Yes, I have had a few problems with my “home improvement” endeavor.  This week’s project was to put new tile in the front foyer.  This of course led me to think about a 100 more places I could  put sticky tile.  Tile covers up crap.  I like that.  No fuss, no muss, just stick it on and walk away…far away.  Measuring stuff has never been my strong suit.  I like to think I can do things “by eye” therefore eliminating any measuring devices.

Apparently not.  The instructions tell you to pull all the tiles out the box and let them sit and meditate for 48 hours.  What kind of bullshit is that!  When I’m on a roll, I need to do it NOW, my attention span ain’t that long man.  I skipped that part.  I took them all out of the box and did a little voodoo on them, and they were totally fine with that.  They said the were ready to “rock and roll.”

Okay!  The instructions also say to start from the centre of the room and go outward.  Whoa, that would mean measuring, no, no, It’s not good at that, I need a square starting point and then move to the top.  And that is what I did.  I started at the furthest point, where the landing meets the living room (it is a elevated type landing)…This little elevated landing has been called an “Old Folk” killer, cause old Aunties and Uncles don’t see it  going down or see it coming back up!   When they come or leave our house we always make sure we have an old folk “catcher” at the door..jest in case we get sued..

Anywho,  I started there, and moved right across to the closet  on the other side.  It was a piece of cake, until I encountered heating vents..fortheloveofmike, now, I had to start cutting out pieces of tile to fit around them.  Good thing I still had my wooden grade 3 ruler (no, I didn’t throw that away).  I measured and measured and remeasured, I didn’t want to screw up these tiles because they cost a fair penny.  Finally, I thought I had it all figured out, and take out my “handy dandy” cutting knife (hey, I’m a professional) and start cutting out the hole.  Whoa, that’s some tough work I tells myself, I could use some spinach in my diet.  I damn near killed myself cutting through that hole, when I noticed I had two more vents on the other side to do as well….fart…So I took the easy way out and started on the other side.  It also needed some tile cutting, but no so intricate as the vents.  Well, lord luv a duck…I just happened to score the tile a little bit with my professional knife and while bending the tile a smidge, it snapped open.  Well, hallelujah…I cannot believe I was actually trying to cut through the entire tile…and it does it itself!… obviously I must have drinking when I was watching the 3000 home improvement shows these last few years.  I guess doing it yourself is the best teacher.  

Needless to say, I ran out of tiles.  Fuckity fuck fuck.  ParDon my French.  Back to Home Depot and all their helpful associates.  I wanted to make this a short trip, as I still had tile to install, and improvement to make.  I knew exactly where the tile was, so I grabbed  a cart, and as fast as my poor little crippled little tile legs could carry me, I found them…breathing a sigh of relief, because I was thinking maybe they had run out of them, and I had ¾’s of  my floor done.  Apparently they never run out of ugly tile, they were just bringing in a fork lift more of them.  This brought to mind, do I want my “foyer” looking like everyone else’s....Who cares, I’m in a hurry, give me my ugly tile and I will be on my way.  Just as I was leaving, I thought, perhaps I should change the heating registers in the “foyer”…purdy fancy word for the entrance to your house..huh?...

The registers are old and dated, and scared with the salt from our boots in the winter.    So, I walked about 40 acres to find them, thank you Associates for all your help. Isle 3687 led me directly to the men’s washroom.

Only one little problem I had, was when I got home, and went to the bathroom, did I realize that I had about 3 sticky pieces of tile stuck to the back of my pants …they were like little shaving of stuff I had taken off tiles that were too big, and I guess I sat in them on the floor, and then went to Home Depot, with all of them hanging off my ass.  Jeez…I was so embarrassed..they even had some of the sticky paper clinging to them!!   People musta thought I wiped my ass from the outside in…

Our house had the weirdest cold air return registers in the history of mankind.   I finally found two that would fit, and they were plastic.  Hell, they were much better than the other ones which always rusted when we got our wet boots on them in winter.  So I stuck them in my basket and got the H.E. double toothpicks atta there.

When I got the tile home, I was just a little tired of  bruising my kneecap, scurrying around the floor on all fours, when I had an idea!   Now, that I had two more boxes of tiles, more than I needed for the floor, why don’t I tile the backsplash of my kitchen countertops, which look like crap.  I had old crappy “mind you” washable ugly wallpaper on there?  Why don’t I do that?...and yes…why don’t I tile the other side of the table in the kitchen..underneath the chair railing …to match.   I have become a home decorator in a matter of minutes…. Those decorating shows have nuttin of me…I was on fire!!  Yes I was.  

I took the tile up to the kitchen and started fantasizing on how this could be done… I started at 4:00 PM and was done by 6:00…no cutting shit involved here…pull off the sticky paper, slap it on the walls, and “Bob’s your Uncle”.  It looks great.  The tile is a little dark, but I like the look, it sort of looks like a cheap casino…but hey…I live here!!

Yaknow, it all turned out pretty good, I finished up most of it today, and I can live with it.  Last night about 4:00 AM , Gord and I heard a huge thump in the kitchen, and he was ready to get up and have a look , and I said, “I know what it is”…the floor tiles are falling off the kitchen wall!!  Well, only two did…for some reason only known by the flooring Gods those  two tiles don’t think they should be sitting in a vertical position.  

If anyone wants to come over and walk on my walls, go for it…they are  now made for it.  Those tiles are “made for walking.”…and onna these days, they’re gonna walk all over you…do

God.. I should go to bed.

Old floor

New floor


I am watching CNN right now, and God Bless all the homeless people who have lost everything in their heart goes out to them.

It sure makes my little worries seen so insignicant...I have a home..I will try to help in my own way here from Canada.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Week one of vacation is over

Week one of vacation is finished, kaput.  I feel tired, a good tired, as I have accomplished so much!  Every room  has an echo in it.  The junk has been purged.  I donated 12 garbage bags, and 5 boxes of stuff to the Diabetes Foundation.  The next time I go to Value Village I will probably buy my old stuff back!

Mom hasn’t been haunting me the last few days, so I guess she is good with it.  It’s hard letting go.  I think the lacey curtains did the trick.  

I love my office, I re-arranged everything and  now have so much room I don’t know what to do with it.  And  no, I will not clutter it up  The office is nice and cozy and it makes for a comfortable place to write and think.  I’ve got  nice mood lighting happening to calm the spirit and sooth the soul.  

And, my pants are falling off, not such good news you say?, oh yes it is, I just think I may have dropped about 5 pounds this week with all the exercise I have been getting.  I am sitting at the computer 5 days a week at work, and never get any muscle action going.  For the first 4 days, I couldn’t hardly walk, or even lift my coffee cup, every stinking bone in my body was giving me grief.  But I just carried on and limbered up by noon, and went right back at it.  I even helped carry a small bar fridge out of our rec room.  (two flights of stairs no less).  That night I  couldn’t lift a fork and had to shove my face in my plate of spaghetti.  Not my best moment.  Next weeks plans are for some painting, washing windows, baking apple pies and zucchini loaves…everyone is up to their ass in  apples and zucchini and keep giving them to me.  STOP IT for the loveofaphalliclookingveggie..I’ve got enough!  Hippy Dippy girlfriend brought me more stuff yesterday.  I appreciate the tomatoes, but hold the cukes..okay..enough already!!

Fall is in the air.  I love it.  The geese are starting to migrate, and their path over my part of the city goes right over my house.  They won’t be starting until next week I think.  It is unbelievable.  Hundreds of them fly over the house, really low because they are landing on the man-made lakes just down the block.  You can hear the “swish swish” of their wings overhead.  It is advisable of course to have your patio umbrella up, as sometimes you are hit with a flying piece of turd from above.  I can hear the honking start at 6:10 PM and by 6:15 there are thousands flying overhead.  You can almost set your watch by them.  I love to watch their “V” formation that they fly in.  I always feel sorry for some of them that have gone astray, and are left behind when the “gaggle” leave the pond, and they can’t find them.  But they usually fly around long enough to hook up with another bunch that come later.  They sound so lonesome looking for their original flock.  So, I guess that means I won’t be walking the dog in the park next week , it’s not fun dodging gooseshit.  

I got a little surprise today when I was (purging) I emptied the old crap from my freezer.  Lordy, I can’t believe the stuff I found.  The biggest surprise came when I lifted out a big plastic container all wrapped up in a Safeway bag.  I looked in it….and it was “BIG GUY”, my fav fish that died this winter and I stored him away in the freezer.  Geez Louise, I only meant for him to cool off for a day or so, but I guess he got shoved to the back.  I found a bison roast, a friend of Gord’s gave him.  I never intended to eat it, I just put it in the freezer so Gord would shut up.  Bison is usually lean, but this must have been the crappiest cut ever.  I was glad to see that go.  My friend next door, is a “do gooder” you know the type, always helping in the community etc.  She bakes thousands upon thousands of goodies for seniors, church etc. at Christmas, and she does me the favour of bringing what is left over to my house.  I don’t eat sweets, so I never have that stuff around.  She brought 3 huge plates at Christmas…I didn’t know what to do with them.  I brought one plate to work, and nobody ate them…ahem..they were a little old by then.  So, I stuck the other two in the freezer, and was once again reunited with them today. It seems that there must have been some kind of Green Giant Veggies sale on this winter, because I pried out three bags of  them out of the ice that had formed.  How wasteful.  I won’t do that again, even if there is a sale.  The freezer is on the second level, and sometimes I forget about stuff if it’s not in my fridge upstairs.

This afternoon, after cleaning out the freezer, I had a little time on my hands, and once again decided to put streaks in my hair.  I looked like a skunk the last time, but my memory is short and I tried it again.  This time I used a product that gives you a little comb thingie to put through the part of your hair that you would consider needed streaking.  I did that.  Now, this was easy, no more putting on the cap and jabbing your head with a crochet hook trying to get the hairs up through a pin hole.  Well, as my hair has been dyed in the past with a blondish colour, and with an inch grayish roots now showing,  I decided to use this product in hopes of a better outcome. It was very easy to use.  No muss no fuss.  All you do is use the little comb thing and put on the product and comb it through the areas of your hair that you think would look attractive.   Well, I look like a two bit hooker….I am as blonde as can be.  I guess I over did the combing part.  Nevermind, my holiday pay didn’t quite cover my two weeks off, I might just have to get out there and sell my wares.  Maybe if I hang around Value Village who knows?  How much do you think I would get to turn a trick??  I’m betting ohhhh maybe an old trophy or a hood ornament, or some other shit I donated.

I took a few pics tonite.  My plum tree is just loaded with those little guys.

A pic with Penny trying to fetch the ball out of the pond..AGAIN

Our neighbor’s trees…I can’t remember the name of it, but they get those big berry patches on them.  I remember when I was young, my mom told they were poison berries and never to eat them.

Then, some ugly mushrooms that grew beside the fence..ewwwww….I’ll freeze them, why the hell not, my freezer is empty.  That way I will have something to throw out next fall.  

Have any readers fallen asleep yet, with my boring life?….Shit I love this…only one more week………to sleep in, snuggle with ..whoever …mostly the dog…who cares, I don’t have to go to work and I love putzking around the house.  This week I will be trying to get a plan together for a project I have been thinking about for awhile that might just afford me the luxury of working part-time….

Okay, my pot roast is almost ready, smells divine, mashed pataters, gravy,  creamed corn and fresh bread and butter.  


Thursday, August 25, 2005

Just a short follow up from yesterday

Just a short follow up on yesterday’s post.  I said I was hoping my mom wouldn’t mind me giving some her stuff away that I now longer wanted, guess what…this is too weird ..

This morning, I was going through a drawer in my bedroom where I have kept her curtains and things she had  in apartment when she was alive.  I had forgotten about them and thought they would look great in the downstairs bedroom (the one I kept all her other stuff in before I gave it away or threw it out yesterday).  

So, this morning I washed them and put them up on the curtain rod.  I looked at them after I had hung them up, and thought, “well, I’m not much further along here, as this looks like her place ..again”!!  But, they looked  ummm okay..a little “lacey” for my taste.  Shit, I’m getting tired of second guessing myself , so I just left it.  

I started on the kitchen,  so much junk and crap I needed to clean out there..when I heard a “crash” and it sounded like glass splintering.  The dog jumped up, and we were both looking for the culprit.  I thought it had come the  patio outside the kitchen, but couldn’t see anything, and went back to my work.  

After I finished around 5:30  I poured myself a glass of much needed wine and was going to have a little sit down on the patio.  First, I decided to take down the 10 garbage bags that I had filled over the day to the back yard garbage cans.  As I was coming down the stairs to the back deck…THE STORM WINDOW FROM THE DOWNSTAIRS BEDROOM WAS LAYING ON THE PATIO…SHATTERED!  I don’t know..but I’m thinking my mom is pissed at me..LOL…geez, the plant yesterday and today the window.

I’m going to have to go through the garbage to see what set her off!!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Doing what I have to do

It’s been an interesting first three days of my holidays; I haven’t come up for air yet.  I am cleaning out the house of old and unused items.  I started downstairs with the back two bedrooms.  No one lives in these bedrooms and they have become a haven for junk.  As of today the junk is gone, and they once again look respectable.  One bedroom however, does not look bedroomie…it looks like an office and  a distillery.  I have all my wine making supplies in there, plus old computers, plus files etc. for Gord’s business.  I have cleaned up all the closets, taken out a multitude of clothing we have not worn since the 80’s.  Gone, gone, gone.  

The most difficult part was the “other” bedroom, that is where I  had stored all my Mother’s stuff after she died.  It was a mausoleum.  A place I knew one day I had to empty, but didn’t want to.  I did today.  I  spent the entire morning going over  all the stuff from her China Cabinet.  It was all mismatched tea cups she got as gifts from somebody.  I kept the 50th. Anniversary cups and saucers, plus the plaques we had given my parents, plus a  oval plate  that was left from a wedding gift from her mother.  

There was an entire lifetime of greeting cards from all their friends, children and grandchildren.  I didn’t read them  this time, but I did a week after she died 6 years ago in September.  It took me 4 hours  then, and way too many tears remembering the good days.  I put them in a box .  I didn’t want to think about it anymore.  I went through all the suitcases I had stored her memorabilia in.  I took all the pictures that used to  hang in her living room out of their frames and put them away.  The frames were old and the pictures were starting to stick to them.  I had a whole suitcase of Christmas ornaments that I haven’t had the heart to look at.  I sat on the floor in the bedroom, and I could smell her house, I could smell her.  I cried again.  But, I knew I had to do this, because this room needed to be lived in, and the past had to go.  The China cabinet that housed all the cups and saucers etc. will become a bookcase.  Now on to my special drawer where I kept all her “soft” sweaters and stuff.  They too must go, including her wallet, I.D. and all the stuff I was keeping.  I cannot keep holding on to this stuff.  I rarely ever look at it, but I guess in my mind I know it’s there and it sort of gives me a good feeling.  

Yesterday was weird, I have 4 of her plants that I have kept alive (well sorta)..and they were not doing well at all.  I put one in the hallway, thinking that I will have to garbage it.  Ten minutes later I hear a loud bang, and the plant had mysteriously fallen to the floor leaving a huge mess.   Was she mad at me?  If I would have been Catholic I would have done some of that “crossing” stuff, but being Mennonite I didn’t have a way to ward off bad omens…other than to make some Verenki  with very rich cream gravy to soothe the spirit.  As usual I didn’t have any of the ingredients in my pantry.  So I picked up the poor ole plant and took some cuttings off of it to start a new one….and I guess she was happy as I didn’t hear a peep atta her after that.  

Today I have started in on my office, I have two garbage bags of paper and crap that I was “saving”…no… I'ts not true I'm just too lazy to sort out and throw away stuff… I also have 9000 cookbooks I never read, which I will give to the Diabetes foundation.  But on this journey I have found so many little treasures that I had forgotten about …Two short stories I had written when I was taking a creative writing course some 30 years ago!!  One was finished, the other was still a draft.  I got a good mark with the first one too, but the other was never submitted, I guess I ran out of time, or did I do my usual cop-out whenever I started courses and lost interest?  I will post it tomorrow for your jocularity.  I actually remember typing it up in my new “Commodore 64”…I guess I never saved it, or if I did, do you think XP could read it…he.  Dat der floppy was so big you could wear it as a hat!!  

Tomorrow I will tackle the living room and family room.  I have a teak wall unit that runs the length of the room, full of junk, nik naks..patty know the stuff people give you that you feel you cannot throw away.  They are history.  You know, I was reading a blog the other day, I  think it was “Fussy”..(sorry will learn linking soon) who was in a dilemma about tossing out her beloved T shirts…they were her“history”, but she didn't need them to take up space any longer, as she was moving on.   What she did was take pictures of each and everyone of them for posterity ….and you know, that is what is making my project a little easier, I am taking pictures of the junk, and it only takes a teenie weenie bit of my HD…and I can see it anytime I want to.  

I’m moving on up…all this stuff has been a burden…including my shit, not just my mom and dad’s.  

I  think I’m a big girl now!!...

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Who was sitting in my chair?

I see from the post below that Penny was at the keyboard this afternoon.  She has a surprise coming if she thinks I’m gonna fall for her purty brown eyes.  

I’m on holidays for two whole weeks!!!..I can do anything I want to.  I can sleep in to 11:00 am if I want to, or not..  FREEDOM…freedom at last!!   I only took a week off last summer, and used all my other time for appointments, hubby’s paperwork for the business at tax time, etc.   Not much time for balonie.  

This Saturday I was supposed to go out biking with Gord, and the AA gang.  I chickened out GAWK!  I did so.  I tried so hard on Friday night to gear up for it, but when Saturday came around I could not do it.  It made me feel sick.  I know Gord’s a good driver on the bike, but I couldn’t see my way to do it.  You see, a trillion years ago, I found his remains laying on a highway after a motorcycle accident, and I guess I still haven’t got over it.  It’s funny, how your mind works when you see  the accident scene and all that is left is a pair of shoes that have flown off the victim.  It has a ever lasting effect, something that will remain  with me forever.  That was all I had to hold on to as he was in a coma in the hospital.  He was 20 years old.  He was coming back late at night on his bike after working late at night about 30 miles from home.  It was fall, and all the farmers were harvesting, and riding their tractors down the highway back to the farm.  Apparently, Gord mistook the single white light on the back of the tractor as an on coming car with with a burnt out headlite, and he rode his bike right up the huge tire of the tractor .he.flipped it up and it came back down on it’s wheels…and he was still hanging on when it came back down.  He had some head injuries, plus a broken pelvis.  I guess in those days it took awhile for an ambulance to get there, but fortunately a nurse arrived at the scene and started to treat him for shock.  He was in coma for two weeks.  He spent 6 months at home healing and re-learning how to walk.  I was there the whole time, as his girlfriend helping him get through it.

So, as they were making fun of me last night for not riding with them…I reminded them of Gord’s accident.  Jerks….they told me to get over it..even Gord!!…well I can’t, and if I don’t feel comfortable with something I just won’t do it…I think I got the message across, they finally got off my case.  I used to ride with him all the time before the accident.  Oh well, I’ll never be a motorcycle Mamma, I won’t got to Sturgis…who gives a crap.  I feel very comfortable behind the wheel of my big horking van…I dare anyone to hit me!!

Be back tomorrow……hey internet  you are going to get sick of me…I got a shit load of stories to tell now that I have a little time to do it right :)

Hey, it's me ..Penny

I’m hosting the blog today.  I have noticed that she has become some what remiss in getting her blog entries out lately.  She is all crazy, because she starts a two week vacation next week, and is running around like a looney tune buying paint and crap to do some much needed updating in our house.

I guess that means, walks are out for awhile, there will be loud noises that scare me, paint smells that make me throw up, and just general chaos.  What about my needs?  I need attention every single minute she is at home, I demand it and am going to get it one way or the other.  Usually I just walk between her feet and knock her down if I’m feeling a little left out, but I’m thinking she’s on to me, I will have to devise another plan.  

  1. Shit on the rug

  2. Bark, until her ears bleed

  3. Feign having to pee every 15 minutes

  4. Walk around all forlorn looking with my ball in my mouth

  5. Best of all, hide under the covers until she gets worried where I am,  when she come looking for me I give her my most pathetic look, and then I get cookies.

We just came back from a Double U A El K.  I do believe she doesn’t think I can spell.  Anyway it was lame, she doesn’t call it a walk, she calls it Dog Dodging.  I admit I have a wee  bit of a problem meeting other dogs on the street.  Every time she spots a dog a mile away we have to turn around and go back the way we came.  It gets redundant.  I know damn well there is a dog ahead of us somewhere, but she whips me around so fast I’m spinning on my ass, and then I have to go back and smell my own piss all the way back.  Today we had three of those episodes.  Finally, she took me down a dirty back lane.  Hey, it wasn’t so bad, I got to smell stacks of garbage, I had a huge row with two fenced in Jack Russell terriers, one of them damn near cleared the fence trying to get a piece of me.  Instead of biting me they started biting each other…I’m barking DOG FIGHT, DOG FIGHT..and they are all crying and shit. Wimps. Their owner came out so Joan got me the hell out of there.  Finally we were on our way home, but I was still pumped after the dog fight, so I went after a guy on bike.  Lucky for him he still has his legs, I didn’t like the looks of him. He was wearing a hat.

  It’s true, you can’t make shit like that up!

Remember that pond Joan put in the garden this spring?

I don’t like it.

She keeps throwing my ball in it and then turns on the pump.  I pretended to be scared the first 15 times she did it, but now I am just totally annoyed.  What’s so funny about getting a snoot full of water?  Small things amuse small minds.  

It’s going to be a tough two weeks, trying to impede her every move.  I’m going to keep watching her, stalking her, and loose as much hair as I can.  I can hardly wait.

Sumabitch…she moved the couch from the window, just as I was doing the 100 mile dash to bark at a leaf blowing in the front yard.  I think I broke my nose.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Balonie goes to the big city

I was going to, at some point take the internet back to my younger years, yes, the 60's & 70's., when everyone was making love in the streets, wearing flowers in their hair, thumbing their noses at the establishment, and doing acid. Except me.

I arrived on the scene in 1965, just fresh out of the country, when I moved to Winnipeg from the small town of Altona, and took up residence with my Aunt and Uncle and my cousins. My parents thought I would be safe with them. I was for awhile. I got a job in a candy factory downtown, called Paulin Chambers. I was pretty excited to have this job, because they made the best candy bar a "Cuban Lunch"!! This was the job of my dreams coming out of high school. me. Have you ever worked in a factory?..

I didn't think so.

My first day at work started out this way. I came to work in my best attire, completed the paper work, and then got introduced to the "forelady"...well fuckaduck..she was a "big lean kid eating machine".. no nonsense 6 foot tall muther. She was one scary bitch. Before she took me on a tour of the facility, she threw a hair net in my face, and said to wear it at all times, or her wrath would not be something I would want to endure. Okay then, I was still thinking, she is just having a bad day, and nothing was more important to me than to get to the the "Cuban Lunch" machine, I needed to see it, because our family had been eating them for years, and I had boasted to my parents on the phone.........I AM WORKING AT THE CUBAN LUNCH PLACE!!.. they cheered for me. I was going to make it in life. I had my dream job.

Ms.Forelady took me over to a very large room with 10-15 conveyor belts running with chocolate stuff coming down it in droves.. all that chocolate in one place!!

..had I died and gone to heaven?

Who needs university I chortled. And you will believe what happened next, even though they made so many different chocolate products, they put ME, on the CUBAN LUNCH line. Lady luck was smiling on me. (Cuban Lunch was a square piece of chocolate with nuts).. it was special...see recipe at the end of post.

It truly was a dream come true.

I could just see my parents crying, clapping and yelling, telling all the neighbor's about their daughter who had moved to Winnipeg, got a job, and was now in charge of CUBAN LUNCHES.

There were a few things I didn't quite understand when I first started assembly line work. #1. You have to keep up to the stuff that's coming down the belt. #2. You don't get to eat any of it #3. If you don't keep up, you are fired. Oops.

They don't care if you are tired, or if your feet hurt, or if there is a mouse or two running around...just keep on wrapping those CUBAN LUNCHES.. We had to GRAB them as they came down the line and put them in a brown paper "crinkly" cup and then let them go on to the packaging section. We also had to look for broken ones and make sure they didn't get into the system. Sometimes they were still warm when I was handling them..oh my!!

I must have passed my probationary period, because in a few weeks I was transferred to the packaging section. This was a hard job. The machine would package them, and then you had to box them up, as fast as they were coming down off the machine. It was faster than a speeding bullet, I shit you not. After that, you had to lift the boxes on big pallets for shipping. There was no let up, from 7:30AM - 5:00PM with 1/2 hour break for lunch and two 15 minutes breaks one in the morning and one in the afternoon. It was hell. But I determined, all because of those Cuban Lunches.

I kept on going, because if I would do well on this shift, I would be promoted to the line that made actual boxes of chocolates...YES, boxes of chocolate for Valentines day. These chocolates would come down the line in all different sizes and shapes and you were expected to put each different sized chocolate in the right position in the box or they wouldn't fit. The red foil one had to be in the centre, and the rest in position all around it, with there little brown crinkly wrappers. "Halp"..and you had to scoop em fast or they would be lost down the line and somebody would know you screwed up.........fart...I was the worst chocolate putter-in-a box person there. I could not do it fast enough, and judge the shapes. I faked it for about an hour, and they caught me because I couldn't fit the lid on the box after I had stuffed it full of chocolates. They gave me another chance on a slower line, but I was not co-oridinated enough to make them all fit in the box correctly.

Back to the CUBAN LUNCH line. Eventually after about two months, I strained my neck while packaging. It was so sore, I could hardly move my head. I applied way to much liniment on my neck and burned it. I had a red mark on it for months.

The dream was starting to fade.

I also didn't want to live at my Aunt and Uncle's anymore either. It was a little smothering for a big city gal like me. I wanted some my own thing..get my own place..ya know the drill. My girlfriend lived in a rooming house off Broadway and there was a vacant room for rent in the building. I grabbed it. I loved that old house. It was an old mansion, and it still had a beautiful historical look about it. When you came in the front door a huge dark paneled foyer greeted you, and were led to a huge oak spiraling staircase. It was so highly polished you could have used it for a mirror. The wall leading upstairs were filled with pictures from years ago. It was like walking into a time warp. Our landlady was a very old lady. She sort of took care of us kids that came in from the country looking for work(trouble). I lived on the third floor. The kitchen facilities were in the basement. Yes, 4 floors down. There was a small fridge, table, chairs and cupboards for our stuff. Each of us had a little compartment with our names and room number on it. Nobody stole each others stuff most of the time (except if you had butter)..that seemed to disappear pretty quick. There was one lady that lived there that was a real character. She would always be talking to herself. I always thought she was talking to me, and when I would answer something she was saying..she would yell "who you talking to?" oooohhkay.. We mostly stayed out of her way. If you wanted to make a cuppa tea, you had to go downstairs and carry it back up to your room 4 flights up. Usually there was no tea left in the cup by that time...All this for $30.00 a month!!

As time went on, I was getting really homesick, even though my friend lived in the house and Gord was now living in the city. I missed my family and my dog so much. Then one day I was in the drugstore looking for a new paperback to read, and I found a book called "Lady Chatterleys Lover"....well holeee shit... 60's porn. I didn't come out of my room for a week and read the book 547 times!! What a little smut face I was. It took the edge of my loneliness!!

After about three months I quit my job at the Cuban Lunch factory. If this was what work was going to be about, I wanted no part of it. It was way to hard, and I was such a delicate little thing. I found a job in another factory, this time in a garment factory. Yes, folks I worked in the garment trade for a full two years before I finally went back to school and found a office job. When I worked at the garment factory, I was trained to sew the fly in men's pants. You know that J type stitch in front of your jeans that holds the zipper in. Yes, and I was good at it. I even qualified to go on "piece work" because I was so fast. I was happy, because I was finally good at something. To hell with stuffing chocolates in a box, I have a career opportunity of a life time, stitching men's fly's. I was called the fly lady. The factory I was working in was a melting pot of different nationalities, Italians, Greeks, Mennonites, etc. more Italians..most of them just off the boat. The ladies couldn't speak English, which made it hard to make friends with them, well, actually you didn't want to make friends with them, because they did not know the meaning of deodorant. didn't want to come near most of them on a humid day. And rude!? I would be standing at the bus stop going home from work, in a queue with other people, and these ladies would literally push you down out on the street, and yell at you for being in their way!!! I was scart of them. They were all BIG with moustaches. We didn't mess with them, because their whole family worked there in the factory in one capacity or another. We snickered at them from afar.

I moved out of the rooming house a year later when I hooked up with two other girls who had just moved to Winnipeg, and we rented a 1 bedroom apartment. Yes, three 20 year old girls in a one bedroom heard right. IT WAS PARTY TIME. Our apartment was right beside a bar on Osborne Street. We weren't old enough to go into the bar, but we knew the bouncer, who just happened to come from our town back home. He was became our personal bootlegger. God love him.

A year later we all turned 21 and we never left the bar until we turned 25. It was the best of times and the worst of times. Around this time I tried to be hippy. I wasn't very good at it. Sure, I had the bell bottoms, tie dye shirts, said "groovy" every ten minutes, and was making love - not war...but I was a phony balonie. I tried the drugs (but wouldn't inhale), tried listening to loud music(put my fingers in my ears) etc., but the Mennonite little girl never really left me, I knew it was shit ...but I SO wanted to fit in. And I made an ass of myself trying.

I must have moved 15 times from the time I got to the city until I settled down. I always had room-mates, sometimes we would even have four people in a one bedroom apartment. We got kicked out a few, because of party's etc...we were bad news, the whole bunch of us. Eventually the old crowd started to get married and having kids etc. and we starting drifting apart. Finally around the age of 27, I had enough, got offered a great new job, got my own apartment, and a year later Gord and I got married. Poof

There was tons of stuff in between, but the internet isn't long enough for that.

My next tale, will be the "Adventures of balonie & Gord" when they got married and didn't have a clue. Coming soon to my blog.

Donna Peck-Harland, Kirkfield Park United, Winnipeg

2 cups peanut butter chips 1 ½ cups crushed ripple potato chips
2 cups butterscotch chips 1 ½ cups peanuts (salted or unsalted)
2 cups chocolate chips
Melt together the peanut butter, butterscotch and chocolate chips in top of double boiler. Add crushed potato chips and peanuts. Mix together with melted chips. Spoon into cupcake paper cups.
Variation: Add ½ cup coconut to melted chips and peanuts. Or, for a less sweet version, use 4 cups peanut butter chips instead of butterscotch and chocolate chips.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Why is it?

When you think you have enough toilet paper to last a lifetime Gord goes to Zellers and scores a butt load on sale. What is it about ass-wipe that appeals to him so much, or is it the "sale" price that makes him "shit" his pants. It is piled to the ceiling (the ass-wipe) not the shit a closet downstairs. I think we have become the laughing stock of the neighborhood, as he keeps coming home with shipment after shipment. You don't even want to know about how many bars of Dove soap we own. Needless to say we won't be dirty anytime soon.

Why is it?

I NEVER EVER have all the ingredients to make a meal. There is always something missing! I must be missing a "planning" gene. I spend more money on gasoline going to the store and getting that one missing ingredient than I do on groceries...why is that? Right now I am hungry for an apple pie, I scoured my cupboards and all I have is the pie plate... no nuttin.

Why is it?

When my girlfriends come over on Saturday for "Attitude Adjustment" hour, they leave with the same attitude they came with. I didn't particularity care for their attitude on Saturday as we were sitting outside on the deck. Am I invisible? They spend so much time talking to each other they didn't even notice me chewing my toenails. I got a brief nod when I brought out the snacks, and then they just kept on talking like I wasn't there. I tried to cut into the conversation a few times, but obviously they did not want to discuss the "Theory of Relativity." So, just to annoy them whilst there were deep in conversation about THEIR JOBS, I would jump up and yell..LOOK, THERE IS AN OWL! They paused for a moment and said WHERE?.. Oops, I say, you just missed it. And they went right back to their conversation. So, I went out into the garden and turned the hose on them. Dirt bags!!

Why is it?

My neighbours only mow their lawns when I am trying to sleep or sitting out on the deck relaxing. Apparently, my dirty looks are going unnoticed. I must be more creative. Yesterday when the girls came over, we had just sat down on the deck, and the entire neighborhood started their lawnmowers in unison. Pricks. And just when you think they are finished, and there is finally peace in the valley, out comes the weed eaters and the leaf blowers! I'm taking a sign language course this fall. I had planned on taking HTML for Incredibly Stupid People, but I think I will be better served taking sign language. At least then I can sign FUCK YOU IDIOTS..Without any flack. It would also come in handy when the girls come over and ignore me, as I am talking to myself anyway.

Why is it?

I have a full gas tank when the price of gas is low, and NO gas when it hits 1.00/litre. Again, I think it is my missing "planning" gene coming into play. Mr. Big Horking Van uses about 90.00 worth of gas on cheap fuel, it cost over 100.00 bucks to fill up on Friday. Highway robbery. Take a bus you say...uhhh I don't think so. That is why God made big horking vans. I will try to drive a little faster so I will save on gas. Isn't that how it works? Perhaps, I am missing a few other pertinent genes as well.

Why is it?

When you get a little older, your toe nails harden like cement. I was going to go for a pedicure this weekend (I had a coupon), but decided against it.. they probably don't have an axe. Instead I went to Wal Mart and bought a pair of heavy duty nail clippers. I could prune a tree with that baby. I saved myself the price of pedicure and did it all my little self. My shoes are now noticeably too large, as my nails were about an inch long. I make a sloughing noise when I walk. Sandals are out of the question, as my toe nails look like something out of a slasher movie. Did you know that you can tell time by your feet? Yes you can. I put nail polish on my tootsies once a year in spring. By summer it is half gone, and I know it's Christmas when it has all grown out. The toes are a handy dandy time indicator if one doesn't own a watch and a calendar.

Why is it? you ask

Haven't I wrapped up this blog entry. Because, internet, I have more universal questions that need answers.

Why is it?

I can never find the lids to my plastic containers. I have 456 containers without lids or with unmatched lids. Where do these lids go? Common sense would suggest to you that when you wash them, you would place both the lid and the container in the same place. Once again, I am being swayed to point to the missing gene, BUT after having done extensive research in my gene pool I cannot come up with any indication that members of my family were missing the "lid" chromosome. However, I did have a few uncles who didn't have their lids tied on quite tight enough, but not enough to suggest it would affect an entire generation. It's a confusing world out there.

Why is it?

There are questionable devices on my toilet tank. Appears to be a rusty pair of pliers, a screw driver and a nut driver. Maybe after Gord finished fixing the toilet he left them there for future use. The pliers could be used to pull resistant toilet paper from your arse, and the nut driver...hmmm I don't even want to go there, and the screw driver goes without saying.

Why is it?

I cannot seem to quit smoking...I hate myself, and again I am peeking into the gene pool...they all smoked, each and every one of them except my grandma. I have smoked since birth. My mom & dad smoked when I was born, and I had smoke all around me forever. I started my own habit when I was 18. I want to quit so bad, yet I just get crazy thinking about it. I am going to get the "patch" next week..just writing this makes me want to smoke. Who invented smoking anyway? Dumb asses. Gord doesn't smoke, and I go through hoops to keep the house smoke free in summer..but in winter, I succumb to smoking somewhere inside, because it is fucking cold. I know there is no magic, but if my gene theory is correct ...we are a bunch of weak kneed people. My dad quit when he was 65 but my mom never did and she was 82 and died of breast cancer. All this talk of lung cancer has not escaped balonies ears...she is a thinking..over and over...and needs a swift kick to the butt.

Why is it?

I can quit writing..........okay I is done like dirt.

I'm off to make supper, mushroom meatloaf, spuds, and fresh veggies, with a side of "half crazy" cucumbers. Mom used to always make them..and I luvs them. We called them "half crazies"..because we didn't actually can them, we just put them in a big jar and heated up vinegar, dill and garlic, poured it over top and use them quickly over a week or's like going home again.

I wonder if I have balonie in my jeans..oops genes.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Cartman is gone

But looked who popped up!!! HAHAHAHAH...I am such a comedian. Oh my!

Thanks Brenda for your help, very much appreciated. I'm such an arse huh?? I will find a more respectable pic. I couldn't resist.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

My Hippy friend

Came over, and insisted I drink wine with her and hear about her summer adventures, I hate her..she has a month off every summer.. she never quits having a good time..bitch.. She actually works out at the gym and stuff, is all that exercise good for women our age? She went from a hippy to a fitness guru...same shit it guess. It's always something. Best part about her, she doesn't give up on me, even if I'm boring and don't listen to to her political rhetoric..and make fun of it. Now that is a friend.

Time for bed, she wore me out, she's coming back on Saturday for Attitude Adjustment Hour..and I have to get ready.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

How can you tell I am short of material?

Before you read the nonsense stolen material from the internet, I would like to make a special plea to all blogger's in the in the fuck do I get rid of Cartman? I need to know, and I need to know now! I have done everything I know how, plus used suggestions by some of my viewers...I can't get rid of that son of bitch!!...I'm mad now. I have deleted his code and put the new code in..I have republished and republished until my finger were numb and my new pic is in my profile...but his stinky little ass keeps showing up in the blog..over and over. I'm going insane I am. I had visions of making my blog a little more "refined" ya know..but his chubby arse is giving me a bad rep.and I have my rep. to think of. It just goes to show ya, something you do that you think is so funny at the moment..can come around and bite your ass ...over and over... I don't know what I was thinking.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Havenese: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

And one more...How many CARTMAN'S does it take to PISS ME OFF..just one MOFO...

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Bogger it

I got up early this morning needed to blow my nose. I set the kleenex down on the night table. Mistake number 1. I fell back asleep until I felt the dog walking over my head and saw her grab the kleenex off the table and run. I stumbled off after her, half awake, yelling...GIVE ME THAT!! GIVE ME THAT!! She kept on running, and I'm yelling.. PENNY I AM WARNING YOU..DROP IT!! She stopped, I went up to her to remove the offending snot rag, and she backed up and ran away again. Gol Dang I'm pissed. By this time Gord was yelling "what in the hell is going on." "I said Penny's stole my kleenex and she is going to eat it." "Shit, he yells, let her eat it already." Yeah, take the easy way out. I was quite determined she wasn't going get the better of me this time and decided to try to bribe her. "Heeeere, Penny...come and get a cookie." She stopped for a moment, with the kleenex still attached to her face, and she came a little closer, and just as I reached for it, she zigged to the right and I zagged to the left... caught my foot on the leg of the chair and did a face plant on the kitchen floor. I didn't hurt anything except my pride. By the time I got up, and checked to see what condition my condition was in, she had the kleenex all torn up and had finished her bogger breakfast.

There was a lot of "BAD Dog" yelling going on for awhile, but she just kept looking at me in a puzzling way .. to say "What IS your problem lady, you were going to throw it away anyway."

So, by then it was time to get up anyway. I put the coffee on, took a shower and went out to the patio to read the paper. Not ten minutes later, she comes out the patio door with yet another kleenex in her chops!! I asked Gord where she had got another one, and he guessed he must have blown his nose and night and left it on his night table..DAMIT. I didn't have a chance to get this one away from her either, she bee-lined it down the deck stairs and ran into the back 40 ..and had her LUNCH. Supper should be interesting, plus her next bowel movement.

Check back with you then.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Empire of the Sun

I just watched it on the History Channel...blew me away.

I was reminded of a weekly series that had English women that were in camps in Japan was the most riveting series I ever watched...but I can't for the love of me remember the name of it. It was so touching..and the hardships they had to endure...Anyone remember the name of it??

Mission Control

I just got an email from the space crew, they have my blog. That is how far blogger sent it!! Fercryingoutinspace. They all agreed it was the wittest and most profound blog they had evar read. They said that it was sooo funny, they bumped there heads on the ceiling laughing out loud. They promised to print it out in their space printer and send it back to me once they land. They knew I was from Canada, and thanked me very much for the Canada arm on the space shuttle. They said it was very helpful whilst pulling out those pieces of kleenex from the shuttle.

So, at least know I know where it is. A piece of work like that should NOT be lost in space.

Take that Internet!

That Internet, she is a bitch

She gobbed up my post, she did.
Now, all I have left is a vague memory of the best post I ever wrote. It was spellbinding, spelling and puctuation error free, none of my famous elipses, but filled with my skillful story telling skills and witty repartee, I tells you witty...witty...witty.

Now she is all gone. Damn you bitch.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Online Friends

I spend a lot of time today reading my fav (mom blogs). They had a convention type thing going on and all met at BLOGHER this weekend. I was so jealous, they are the funniest group I have ever encountered. There are about 5 of them that have formed a good relationship ...and they all have the same sense of humour. Most of them met for the first time after only knowing each other through the internet. They were all nervous and shit, but it turned out fantastic. They probably did not go so much for the convention itself (because it sounded pretty boring)..but they went to meet each other. They went with the trepidation of a high school reunion, and the eagerness of meeting those they have only spoken to online.

Pretty scary stuff.

I hope I can do that one day with the people I blog with...that would be the cats ass.

And for some reason I don't even have them on my favs list on the side bar. I will correct that soon. Read their blogs..they are a hoot and a holler!!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Meme and other stuff

I have been chosen by Ada,from She's a funny gal, and I luvs her son Franklenstein.
..sorry {I don't know how to link stuff). I have to name 5 of my Idiosyncrasies, well, where to start? 100 come to mind.

1. My curtains have be open, day and night. I must be able to look outside at all time, or I get a little anxious. We have lived in this house now for twenty years, and I have never spent more than 15 minutes at a time in our downstairs rec room. It doesn't have any windows. I painted down there about 5 years ago, it took a long long time.

2. I'm a neat freak, but not a clean freak. Everything must be in order and put away, but I don't really care if it gets put away in a dusty spot.

3. I hate driving with Gord. Not because he is a bad driver (ahem) but I am always afraid that we will have an accident and BOTH be killed, and there will be no one to take care of our dog Penny and close our estate. It terrifies me. I even go so far as to try to meet up with him when we go to different events. Silly..huh? Who knew I was a such a wuss? Our Will has an executor named, but I still don't like it.

4. Procrastinator...I will put off..puttin off!! Except if I really like doing it. You didn't see me putting off this meme did you? Oh no, balonie only does what she wants to do and when she wants to do it. "Your shorts need washing you say.. I just washed them two weeks ago, turn them inside out." pfsst "Clean the van?"..huh.."I did that last spring!!" "Go on the internet, and find this site for me....OKAY..I'll be right on it!!" Yes, I am a bit of a A hole.

5. Don't talk to me ... or even look at me on Monday morning. Nope, not even a glance or I will cut your heart out. I'm good for the rest of the week.

There, now you all know what a beyotch I am. It's okay, I don't do all these things at the same time, so then it's not probably not noticed too much. Others might differ with this opinion.

Do you know what I did on Friday???, coming home, hot and sweaty after grocery shopping? I drove up on the driveway, then remembered I had a shit pile of stuff to lug in the house,and I should actually back the van in so the sliding doors would be closer to the house. I got back in THE BIG HORKING VAN, backed it off, turned around and started to back in. We have one of those V type driveways because we live a cul de sac, plus you have to try missing a fire hydrant that the City conveniently placed beside our driveway, plus maneuver V like towards the house. I was watching the rear view mirror and backing up very slowly. Just a note to those that be in the automobile Industry, why did you feel in necessary to install those stinking mirrors on vehicles that say... "things are closer than they appear." Okay, how close? huh? I was inching along, unsure of exactly where I was weaving, I stuck my head out the window to look back....and "THE.WINDOW.WAS.CLOSED! Well, fertheloveofastinkingdick, I hit me noggin so hard I thought I was going to pass out. So that is probably why I put the ice-cream in the fridge and the milk in the freezer when I unloaded the groceries. Lordy!! I still have a lump the size of an egg on my headgear.

Seriously, nothing evar evar goes according to plan..and I mean nothing. I just want that one week with any drama..but it won't happen, it's only Tuesday. I could expect strife and such if we had kids etc. but we don't! We make up our own shit. OH wait..I have a prime you may have guessed it's a Gord story, but none the less I know how this will play out.

We have a paper in town called the "Buy and Sell"..Gord and his brother are always selling junk in it. However, they use our home phone number to do it. Guess who answers the The people that phone are not your brightest bulbs in the bulb factory, but I am curtious, and try to be helpful and explain we have a wheelbarrow for sale, but do you mind if it doesn't have a tire on it?. I don't know WHY that would put them off, after all they could drag around a barrow without it's wheel..seems like a mute point to me.

For some reason Gord thought it would be a good idea to sell my old bike that I bought in 1984..and never rode, in the Buy and Sell. Sure the bike was new, but it is all rusted out now, the tires are flat ...and who the hell would want it!! A few weeks ago a guy came from right across town to look at it...and he laughed in my face..yes he did. He said hardee har lady and left in a hurry. So, I told Gord to take it out of the paper and I would give it to "Goodwill." No way, he's leaving it in the paper and when the next guy comes from as far away as Alaska, he will generously "give it to him for his trouble."... (well is that not the same as giving it to Goodwill?, I say with clenched teeth.) I know now why I have a huge egg shaped lump on my head, it wasn't from the window of the van, it was from banging my head on the walls when he said it. So, now in his convoluted thinking he will be doing the next guy a favour when they come all the way here to see the broken down rusted out old bike. Merry Christmas, unsuspecting person from Inuvik!! I hope your sled dogs can tow her.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Remember the photo mart?

Remember these? they still have these I wonder..

wake me up when its over

this stall is busy

God help me

Is there a bird in here?

Just a few pics testing out blogger photos

New patio furniture

Baby pizzas

Fresh Raspberries for Brenda



Penny on the table

Little fountain