Thursday, June 30, 2005
We, here in Canada are just prepping for our Canada Day long weekend..I don't friggin have to go to work tomorrow. I can sleep in as.long.as.I.want.to!!..and I would if "the love of my life", would have brought home a new waterbed heater that I specifically requested!! The heater went out two weeks ago, since then I have heaped the bed with 3 quilts, so as to keep the cold water from burrowing into my raisin bones..fortheloveofmike.
Last night was pretty creepy with the rain and all. The trees in our yard are really really big, and one of them, right beside our bedroom window, was so saturated with moisture, one of it's huge branches leaned over onto the metal evestrough and started to grind and groan. Scared the bijesus otta me. Hope the neighbours didn't think it was us!! Lordybee. I have my "rep" to live up to..yaknow.. I is a nice mennonite chickadee.
Hope all youse guys like my new look in here. I sure do. I have to thank Lisa from
Design-A-Blog...and if I knew how to do a link I would. I am sure it's easy. If any one of you guys are as html stupid as me, give her a shout, it's on my sidebar. She's a sweetie.
I'm just thinking of Special K tonight..wondering what she is up to. Probably sleeping after the long trip...or maybe raiding the "bar" fridge in her room, and having some snackies..or...they have lost her luggage at the airport, with her NEW BATHING SUIT IN IT!!...nahhh we would have heard her screaming from here.. it couldn't have happened...I didn't hear anyone yelling "you mother(*&^'s"..did you? Nope I did not hear anything. So, I think things when well then. I hope she brings me back the monkaay I asked for. One can always use an extra monkaay.
Guess its time to hit the hay. Tomorrow is Canada Day after all. Spit..I wish we did stuff like the "Mericans" do on July 4th. ...they wave flags, and have barbeques on well manicured lawns with lots of children..waving flags...and then blowing up so many firecrackers in one night that puts another hole thru the ozone layer..those guys knows how to have a good time. I always admire thier patroitism...and love of country. I hardly ever feel that in Canada. It always feels so anal compared to the US..but I have a flag, and I will be proudly displaying it tomorrrow.
Just remembered, tomorrow I have to make my "fart jar"...for my girlfriends birthday!! I will send you a pic Phyliss!!
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
The rain is incessant...it does not let up for minute. My little pond is overflowing into the garden. We have had huge thunderstorms and rain since 8:00 this morning. Flooding is predicted in a few parts of the city. What a crazy summer this has started out to be. They predict sun for Canada Day on Friday..so whoppee all the mosquitoes will be out in full force to bite our asses off. The flowers on my deck look so droopy and water laden, I feel sorry for the little buggers. Upside is I don't have to water them!!
Can you tell, I don't have "Shit" to talk about tonight..I have managed to get through the day without making any costly errors at work, my dog is sitting here looking pissed because she can't go out and play in the flood of the century. But, you know after reading Ms. MaryLou's blog this afternoon, I have been in a somber mood. Her blogger friends husband bit the dust in a heartbeat on Saturday..no warning no nothing, just dead of a heart attack I assume. I read her friends blog, and it just tore me to pieces. I know how it feels to loose someone in an instant, like my dad. The confusion, the hospitals, the arrangements, the denial, the horrible disbelief that your world could be turned upside down in a second. The if's ..and should have's... I feel so bad for her friend, I have felt them all with my mom and dad. But not with the the love of my life "Gord." I cannot imagine my life without him, and this really scared me. When Dad died, my mom was feeling exactly the same feeling Marylou's friend was expressed in her blog. Her life and time had stopped, nothing was left but fear of the uncertainty. We had to try to pick up what was left and try to go on together as a family. I know my mom was older than MaryLou's friend, but I don't think that makes any difference. We mate for life, or are supposed to and even if we don't..when our mates die whether we are still with them or not and the relationship was still good..I can't think of anything more devastating. I am so sorry that MaryLou didn't get the support she needed when her ex husband died, whether or not she was still married to him or not. Sometimes we don't see or understand how "history" with another human being effects us, in life and in death. This rain, is getting me down..
I will try to be a little more upbeat tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005
Now, this might be old hat to some of you, but I don't know why I never thought of it myself. It's right up there with the whoopee cushion, but a little more discreet.
My hippy girlfriend is having a birthday party on Saturday. I always get her a regular gift..and then something really stupid. Okay, my regular gift is stupid too...but she is too polite to tell me. Last week I stumbled upon a web-site that sold Fart Jars. Now, you might be wondering why I was putting "fart" in the Google search engine..my only excuse is that I am a moron. I had no damn good reason. But little treasures can begotten when one makes a bad decision and clicks on it. And so it was for me. The way I see it, I can make one of these jars lickitty split, without paying the price they are asking...in U.S. dollars no less.
All you have to do is take an old pickle jar..or any other jar in your fridge, that has mold growing on it, and you don't want anyway. Put it in the dishwasher, (take out the crud first) wash it, take it out, peel off what's left of the label and clean it up. Okay then, now you are good to go...but wait..depending of the size of your friend, you might want to judge how big of a jar you might need. My friend Janis is only 5'1"..so I thought a small Bick Pickle Jar would do...how big could her farts be??? oh my...then you use your best graphics software program to make a label..letting the bearer of this gift know what it is for. Jocularity will reign at the party I assure you. Well maybe not..I haven't given it to her yet, but I am sure this is a good bet...it has to work!! Pray for me.
I have this picture in my mind, on how it would work if someone would actually use it...I know, I am sick.
Soooo, then. I am thinking of going into the Fart Jar business meself...yup. I can work from my home, no more kissing the bosses behind..he he...(fart joke was there, but I left it alone). People are actually buying this crap...I cannot believe it..when all you have to do is go into your junk pile and put a label on it.
I will see how old hippy chick will like it on Saturday. She will be my "test dummy" whilst I create my new empire. I will of course have to see it work first.
They always say, when you start a new business, test it out on your friends first, and if they are your friends after that..it might be viable.
I have done a home study, with Gord, but some reason we can't catch them in time...the jar remains empty and smell lingers on. I guess I will have to do more research in capturing it at the crucial moment.
It's always nice to have a goal in life.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Well, thar she be, after hours and hours of digging, swearing, swatting bugs, and getting dirty as hell. I musta had more mud on me than a pig at a party. From the angle I took the pic the flowers on the left don't match the one's on the right..but they really do. That MF pool caused me so much grief on Saturday when I was installing the little waterfall. For some unknown reason, I had it upside down...fortheloveofatwobyfour. How, dumb was that! The people that made the kit weren't all that bright either, they gave me clamps the size of a car water hose to clamp a teenie weenie hose. Almost busted my wrists trying to make the clamp smaller. By late afternoon on Saturday I had the whole pool up and and running...but I had one small problem. The kit gives you a choice of three spray attachments. Two of them are boring and won't put any water down the waterfall feature. The nicest one will do all that and more, but it sprays out of the tiny pool, and within an hour the pool is half drained dry..arseholes.. So in the pic I have the weenie one going, but I have to figure out how get the diverter to made the nice spray feature work properly.
As you can see the garden is huge, and there is still a thousand things to do. I went to Wal Mart yesteday and bought 24 bags of bark chips, which I will make pathways and such. I have to get more rocks too, these were the only ones I could find on short notice in my yard. This is just the best. I haven't been able to work outside since 2003 when I tore a muscle in my tummy and couldn't do anything heavy. I was so careful, not to do anything more than I could handle, but then I forgot about it and did what I hadda do...and my tummy is jest fine. The rest of my body is in ruins, I might add. No amount of tylenol will cover my aches and pains. But, it all good.
We have a long weekend coming up on Friday ...CANADA DAY...so I will be putting down all the bark and shit. I am so happy, and I am going to make a little plague on the flower/pond garden in memory of my parents..as it was there garden to begin with, and thanks to all of you who gave me some encouragement early on this year to do just that. No more tears, just some sweat and hard work. And best of all I don't have to gaze from my deck looking at empty garden.
I also want to thank my next door neighbour ..who gave me the incentive to get up EARLY on a Sunday morning, by bringing a crew of guys to install his hot tub! Jerkface. I awoke from my slumber, with the sound of "buzzing"...thinking I was still half asleep and in a dream, and laid me head back for a moment. It started again..stopped..started again. It was a high pitched sound, and the dog was digging deeper and deeper under the covers with her little paws over her ears! Finally I got up and looked out the back, and saw workers installing a huge tub, and a unit to run it. They finished up by 6:00, and now we have the sweet sound of a unit running constantly, day and night right beside our fence. Sabatoge I say...I might have to resort to that..it's a constant whine....drives me nuts. I might just have to out at night and catch them in the tub and take some pics..that otta do it!!
More tomorrow, I gotta put me "raisin" bones to rest. I was quite proud of myself, after not doing anything labour intensive for two years....I'll show the Ms. SK...I still be a .."raisin to be reckonned with..
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
I'm going to let the cat out of the bag..so to speak (who keeps cats in a bag anyway)? The baloney blog site is getting a new look. Did I learn HTM..fucking L?...NO...but I know people that do. You will no longer have to stare at that blue narrow screen and fall asleep..well maybe some better writing on my part could correct that..but "Nevermind"...I'm going Hollywood! Hopefully by next week sometime it will be up. I am so excited I could pee my drawers.
I was peeking out the patio windows in my cool air conditioned house looking at my pond...sitting there so lonesome, waiting for some balonie love. The liner is in, but I am in need of some serious rocks. I live on the prairies, we don't have rocks, we have gravel. Which brings to mind, where does the gravel come from?...from rocks I would think...well who the hell chopped them all up?...I need some huge MF rocks I tells you!....for my serenity pond. Can you tell I need one??? Yes I does...and soon. I haven't even fiddled with the pump part of the pond yet. Watch for my name in the Obit's.
The stinking hot sun, is slowly setting...thank you lord!..and the 90 mile an hour winds are abating. I will go out and retrieve what is left of my patio furniture, and praise the Lord I don't live in Arizona..I couldn't take the heat.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Somebody...I won't give out any names (Gordon)..oops...threw out the box the pond came in. I still had the instructions, but I liked to look at the picture, just in case that would be all I had at the end of this...then at least I could see if I was doing it half assed right. Now all I have is a memory, which is too short to make a good assessment of what it was supposed to look like. So, at this point I had no frigging idea of what I was doing.
I dug a hole soooo deep, I went to China.
I shit you not.
I didn't really have time to go there, but I took a few minutes to enjoy some green tea, and a rickshaw ride...by the time I got back I was ready to do somemore diggin.
The instructions said to dig the hole a few inches bigger than the pond liner. By the time I was finished, I had dug a grave fortheloveofaduck. Even the dog looked scared. Just then, Gord got home, and I questioned him about the "box" the pond had come in.."he said, I threw it in the garbage." I took his arm and said come along with me buddy boy, I have a place for you to sleep tonight..."in the hole."
With some struggling and swearing and fighting off the mosquitoes, I managed to get Part 1 done. However, I did make one error, I backfilled the pond with dirt before I put any water in it. The instructions clearly state, that you should do both at the same time to make sure it is level. I had a level and used it about two times and it never came out right...so I chucked it.
Hole I have dug
Monday, June 20, 2005
I have a serious case of "OFF" in my nose. Damn those mosquitoes, I musta picked my nose with some of the bug spray on it. ewww..I don't know how it got there if that was not the case.
I was down on the patio planting all the stuff that has been waiting for me to get them into there new homes. Our weather has been so wicked this weekend with wind 80 kms an hour Saturday and on Sunday it was 30 hot and humid..heat stoke weather. So, after work tonight I decided to finish off part of my plan for the summer. I got all my plants repotted that will go up on my deck. I left the others for tomorrow, when I will start digging and put in my little pond starter kit I bought. Hey, whats wrong with fake rocks?...a water feature, some fake water lilies. I'm going to do it in my Mom and Dads old garden in out back yard and start to make it better each year.. in their honour. And thank you to those of you who suggested I might do something like this when I was getting a little depressed about their garden in the spring. It's a big job, but I'm up to it...well maybe unless there is mosquitoes, wind, sun, rain, and hey, maybe I'm just lazy..or I could be scrapbooking, walking the dog, cleaning the house, making dinner, vacuuming, grocery shopping, paying the bills, oops, did I mention working a full time. Other than that it should be done in no time at all.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Luv you Dad!!
Friday, June 17, 2005
Bear: Walks into a bar and sits down.
Barkeep: Hey, there bear, what can I gitya?
Barkeep: Hey bear, I said..what can I gitya?
Barkeep: gittin mad...BEAR, WHAT CAN I GITYA?
Bear: A Martini please
Barkeep: Okay then, why the big pause.
Its like the horse joke: Why the long face...ahhhhaaaaa
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Tell you tomorrow
(more raucous laughter)
..cheezeandcrackersgotallmuddy....no need to throw stuff at me.
I am just whiling away my afternoon, the boss is away.
...Would I be a bad Canadian if I said I hate Margaret Atwood's books? I do. I think they stink.
How Un-Canadian of me. I should be hung.
..Would I be a bad Canadian if I said Gordon Lightfoots music makes me wanna hurl? Yes. I. Would. Because Gordon Lightfoot is a musical genius, and we only have one in Canada, and he is it. The CRTC thinks so, have ever listened to a Canadian radio station, where they have to have 40% Canadian content. Guess what they play the most...yup..good old Gordie and the "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald." And better yet, they will play his Canadian Railroad Trilogy, which is endless, so they can meet the quota. Yes, mam..I wouldn't shit ya.
..Would I be a bad Canadian if I didn't use the word "eh" ....again... yes. I. would. I will tell you why after I come back in from having a smoke, I can do anything I want today, there is no one here. I can go out the door, smoke and come back in, out-smoke-in out-smoke-in. you get it. I don't even feel like smoking anymore, I am only doing it because if fecking well can.
In - phew its hot out there. I had to get a shovel to move all the butts off the lawn.
The ice-cream truck just passed as I was outside, with the music 39876 decibels higher that the human ear can bear. I didn't buy an ice-cream cone, because he didn't take interact. Loser. I fart in your general direction Mr. Ice-cream truck man.
Well, for the loveofaduck...Mr. Bossman just walked in...in his "shorts"..shhhhh..no less, he musta been golfing AGAIN. gotta go>>>>>>>>> I'll tell you the "eh" story another time. (you should see his legs..lordy..)
Back...I am at home now..safe and sound. Bossman told me to hit the road, because I am a wonderful employee. You see, yesterday they had a golf day for employees, do I strike you as a golfer?....I didn't think so. I said I would rather slave in the office than to try to hit a ball with a long stick and put my eye out. He tried to look secretly disappointed that I was not joining in the fun...but I knew it took the load off of him knowing the office would be open, and not all 700 calls would be directed to his cell phone. Anywho..that's what I did. So, when shortypants walked in today...IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BLOGGING...and smoking and such...I said can I go home early?..he said...away you go my child..and I went to Winner's to buy a nice summer outfit...do they have anything over size 2?... NO..thought so. Back to Value Village.
Okay I will save my Hoser "eh" thing for tomorrow.
Going out into my beautiful backyard..and play with my Penny.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
For those that don't know, the rain has finally stopped here in Winnipeg. Thank you Lord. Now I can get about my business. I only got half my plants in on Saturday when the sun was out, now back to the rest of them. I will save that for the weekend, I am just too bloody tired. I took Penny out in the back yard for our playtime and the mosquitoes were in full force. I haves to tell ya...it's not easy living here...it's always something..
I have had the most shitty day at work. There are three of us in the office, my boss, meself, and jerkface. Jerkface used to be one of our Journeyman Electricians, until the boss pulled him in the office to help with the day to day ordering of materials, scheduling of calls...etc. I can't tell you what a piece of work this guy is. He is classic ADD, and has no patience what so ever...never. He is tapping his feet all day, blowing a whistle, like in a carnival, singing, joking, and just making my life a living hell. He gets his work done..it seems, but not without all this other crap.
Last week he had a virus on his computer. I have warned him over and over, you have to "obey" the warning on your computer when the virus protector tells you to install the new updates on your computer. You know what he does?...he just clicks out of it..because..IT TAKES TOO LONG. I caught him at it..the shithead. He had 3 Trojans....where in the world is he going on the company computer?.. or at least update the virus protector...mannn I was soooo mad.
About 4:00 PM my Internet went down....and I couldn't figure it out... I did all the troubleshooting and stuff, but couldn't bring it back up. So, I finally had to call our service provider MTS and get some help. The tech guided me thru ...and it came back up... after another half hour it was down again...sheeit...I called back again, and the tech went through the process again and I got it back up....but what he said to me was that we probably had a virus, which was causing all this flack.. I did a virus scan on my machine...came up zelch...but I don't know if something has infected the whole system..
I'm gonna kill that yuppie...
Today before he left...I had me a plan...
In real life I am taking a internet course in making a web site..and the html stuff. I told him about this course I was taking and , and he seemed pretty well uninterested. Then he asked me what kind of web site I would be putting up. I said a "porn" web site....just to see the look on his face. He went ewwwww and all, but he went back to his office pretty quick.
Everytime I go into his office, he clicks out the web site he is in..if he hears me coming in...sometimes he is so engrossed he doesn't hear me...but by the time I reach the end of his office...he has clicked out....I'm thinking he is a perv...and thats were all the virus crap is coming from.
He is so stupid....JUST DO THE UPGRADES knucklehead..when the virus protector tells ya....
Well, gotta long day tomorrow, trying to fix it all...and he won't be there tomorrow, so I will follow his trail on the net...I knows how to do that....
Wish me luck...PI Balonie..signing off...
Sunday, June 12, 2005
I bought him at Canadian Tire in 1987. Hubby and I had just bought our new house that we could not afford....nuthin new there..but that's a story for a different time. This house came with property that shouldn't even be legal within city limits....it's humongeous. So we bought the farm, so to speak. When we first moved in we had a wiener of a lawnmower..from our old house. It must have been 356 years old, and blew black smoke up and above your ass any chance you gave it. I hated that mower like no other (except Jake). So once we moved in the NEW house, I said...(to meself) if I's going to be the one to mow the back 40...I needs me a "self propelled" lawn mover, so I don't have to push all my intestines out the front of my rib cage..
I did not even consult my annoying "half"...I marched into Canadian Tire..looked at two of them, and said I wants the one that moves without me pushing it too hard. $569.00 dollars later, I put him in my van and took him home. And that was the beginning of a love hate relationship.
Jake never did take to me. Right from the beginning he became as stubborn as a mule in a parade. Anyone could start him, except me! Small children would come up to him and pull his cord and he would purr like a kitten. If I came within a foot of him, I could hear hims snarling and such. I pulled his cord over and over and again through our tumultuous relationship, and he would not budge for me. I choked him many a time, trying to get him to go and he would flood ON PURPOSE. I tried to get him on my good side, by feeding him lots of gasoline and expensive oil, but he spit it out at me! Everytime I wanted to mow the lawn, I would have to wait for Gord to come home and start him. By the time he got home, I was usually purdy mad in the head. Gord goes over to him, pulls the cord and like always that little summabitch goes!!! Then, I get the "Look" from Gord...like, what is your problem lady?!!
Last year I was mowing the lawn, minding my own business, and Jake decided to let one of his tires go. I swear to god, the tire fell off on purpose. HE JUST LET IT GO. Another time, well more than once, he decided to blow out the bluest farts in the world at me. The entire neighbourhood was "blue." Mosquitoes were dying by the thousands, Jake has won again!
This year.. Jake, after having a whole winter to think about it in the garage, has concocted yet another evil plan to make my eyes twitch. The one and only thing I liked about him was that he was self propelled, and you didn't have to push and grunt like an animal to mow the lawn. Well, now he has decided that he wants to go all.the.time. You cannot slow him down once he starts. I have to park him up against a tree to empty the grass catcher. He has got away on me a number of times. The first time he did it took me by surprise. I had taken the grass catcher off him and turned around to put the grass in a garbage bag. When I was finished, I looked... and he was gone!!! I swear to god. He had traveled right across the lawn and bumped into the fence where he came to rest. I dare not cut the motor when I empty the catcher, because he is just waiting for the opportunity not to start again. I will not let him win.
I tested him on Thursday when I was mowing to see if he would do it again...and he did!!
This is how I have to park him to take the bag off.
This is what he does if I don't put him up against a tree...bugger
And this is were he landed up.
How many cows do think it might take to chew the lawn once a week? That's my only hope.
Guess again ...wrong
Okay, her initials are SK...ring a bell?
Yes, the Diva called ME in person! She caught me by surprise, and I was yelling and everything, she must have thought I was a lunatic. And you want to know what else I did...
I. talked. her.ear.off.
I'm not kidding, if you ever see a picture of her you will see she is missing onna hers ears! If she would have caught me after my 92nd. glass of wine, I would have talked the other one off too.
We had a mighty fine chat. And you know what?, she sounded like I imagined ...smooth talker and all ..he he..meantimes I was doing my impersonation of babbling idiot.
We talked so long Gord fell asleep in front of the TV. When I got off the phone, he asked who the heck I was talking to, I told him it my blogger friend SK. "Oh" he said, "the one who thinks I'm God." "Why didn't you let me talk to her?"....LOL Iffin you don't get it, she spelled Gord's name God in a old blog, and I just can't seem to let it go, as much as I tries.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
My deck is all ready raring to go, just need the weather to let up. I have my "water fountain" plus two new plant stands that will be on each side of the deck. I love them, they are an oval shape and display the plants execelantely.. Just have to get up my deck rug...it's one of those indoor outdoor things I put on every year, because the dog gets her little claws stuck inbetween the spaces of the wood on the deck. That's pretty well a lie, the deck in ugly, the carpet covers it. Why do I always do that? shut up...I know
I bought a whole bunch of little knick nacks for my deck and my plant stands...
hee hee cutes little buggers huh? got em at the dollar store..they are mine! so mine..
Monday, June 06, 2005
**I will totally make up a story, and tell it in the most convincing manner. Once he falls for it, I tell him its not true. I don't know why he doesn't catch on, I have only done the 9887 times.
**When he throws his dirty shorts in the laundry and they are inside out, they stay that way after I wash them and put them back in the drawer. Not my job man.
**When I drive his van on a short trip to the store, I adjust the seats, all the mirrors, change the radio station and smoke in it.
** My all time favorite is when he is telling me something, and I say "pardon me, I didn't hear you," and when he repeats it ..I will tell him I heard him the first time. He falls for it everytime LOL..ohhh my.
I do a lot more than this, but once I started to write it down it started to look a jest a little childish, so I will keep the rest to myself:) I don't stick my finger in his mouth when he yawns either..well not anymore, because he bit me, the summamabitch.
He has habits that make me crazy, absolutley f*king carazzzy!! I'lles give ya ferinstance...
He will be in the garage fixing his motorcycle (that he has been fixing for the last 10 years)... and he needs something from the house, he will yell...HEY...HEY.. I let him yell HEY, for hours before he catches on that either I am not in the house, or my name is NOT "HEY." He will come into the house all in a huff and when he finds me there, he asks why I didn't answer him. Duhhh I repeat for the 1000th. time, "my name isn't HEY." your rudeness!! He totally ignores me and finds what he is looking for and goes back out. Fifteen minutes later, HEY!... dickhead.
The most annoying thing he does ... is save stuff ( NEW STUFF). If he buys a bunch of new socks or something like that, he will put them in the back of the drawer until he thinks his old socks are sufficiently used up. This makes me nuts!!
He buys stuff on sale, but never uses it, because he is saving it. We have a perfectly good new gazebo sitting in a box in the garage that we cannot put up. Why?... because he is saving it until we build a new house. Well, why can't we use it at this house, and take it down if we ever build this pipe dream of a house?...nooooo...we also have a two hammocks and a huge mother BBQ ...brand new... sitting in the garage, awaiting the right moment to be used. You don't even want to know the amount of new tools and equipment he has stashed away to put in his ultimate garage when we build the house. Right now, I believe he is "saving" the property we bought to build the house on, because I don't see anything getting done to build one. Sometimes I just want to stick a letter opener in my eye.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
I have been out on the deck for about 15 minutes, and trying get little, teeeney weenie alcoholic/sadistic bugs outta my wine, with a teaspoon. I am sure if I would actually swallow one of these itsy bitsy buggers it would only add to the protein of my diet. But as I am not a vegetarian, protein does not enter into my realm of worrysome. They follow me everywhere, from the deck, back into the house. Do they just like me.? I have no problem with being liked, I craves that...but not by little teeny weenie bugs. I just closed the screen door in the patio and that has helped....a bit (but all there relatives are in the house NOW).
It's sort of like "Deep Throat", ..."follow the money"...these guys follow the wine.
I have removed the offending beverage off my desk, and they have gone downtown to a strip bar to get there next fix.
Okay then...where was I going with this...no where's important I guess...
I went in the Merriam Webster Online web-site..and checked into their *** new words dictionary** for vocabularians (persons who make up new words)...I liked this one: phonecrastinate: to put off answering the phone until caller ID displays the incoming name and number. By cranky...how did they know I did that!!..do they have my number?
Another one was: Cognitive displaysia (n) ..the feeling you have before you even leave the house that you are going to forget something and not remember it until you are on the highway....ohh have been there soooooo many times, I'm so glad they have a name for it now!
There is one that is giving me a little constipation (yes, hardening of the feces)
Lingweenie: (no this is not Italian food) (n) a person incapable of producing neologisms
Okay, I haven't looked the word neologisms up yet, but just by it's demeanor I would say it's some guy with a limp weenie...
I just looked it up...its someone who can't "express" themselves... same shit..
I luvs this stuff...so funny.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
The real test of a receptionist...IS...werking in a radio station. I worked at CJOB/97 KISS FM from 1998-1991 (it takes that long to burn out). I probably burned out a lot earlier, but didn't know because I was fried. I am trying to put this in words and it is so hard to explain...you really had to be there to experience the highs and lows of getting shit on day after day. The station I was working for had a "Talk" format (which only encourages lunatics to call the switchboard) if they were cut off by the host of any program of the day. Plus to deal with all the "talent," radio sales guys and gals ( who have only one agenda) IF I DON'T GET MY CALLS, I DON'T GET MY EFFIN COMMISSION, you lowly receptionist you!..Plus the promotion dept. and the Creative staff..who write the commercials...and never get any credit..because the sales guys always are always up there ass. I really have only touched the surface.....
I will just gives you an ferinstance of one day in my old life:
7:00 PM - Balonie rolls into the office. Okay 7:02...all the uncouth sales staff are sitting at their desks waiting for the switchboard to open. I get the gears...Joan, were you and the ole man bonking too long this morning;? etc. from 4 of them...relentless...
I open the board. No calls come in for those motherfuckers.. cause their clients aren't even up for theloveofmike. But they gotta try and cry.
I sit my ass down and get all the my stuff together. I'm talking about 1998 here. The first thing on the agenda is to take any calls that would be considered as cancellations for the day, if we had inclement weather... or that Bingo at the Seniors Centre was cancelled, pot luck suppers, at a church...you name it....and enter it into a fricking smoke encrusted old computer, so the guys in the newsroom could tell the Winnipeg public where to go, and not to go. It got pretty hairy when we had a snow storms...anywho... the job got done on that old computer...(amber monitor).
8:00 PM... Mail-man comes.....with at least 3 huge bags of mail. Most of that would be for the contests we are running. We had a huge bunk to place all the mail in for all the staff. It usually took at least an hour, while running back to the phone to answer dip stick callers and all. Once all the mail was safely tucked in there little bunkers..I had to go through the other two bags of contest applicants. We had so many promos going on...it was unreal. And people wanted to win the prize...desperately!!!
Promo's......you would not believe how many people would send in a "photo copied" pieces of a newspaper promo.....a million times... even when we said 1 coupon per person. I would have to actually go through all those bags to make sure it didn't happen. I made sure some reg's never saw the light of day after I caught on to it. They were professional contest folks.
10:00 PM.. Talk show host has just been advised that a huge bunch of farmers are going to be driving through our city with their tractors and combines and such , apparently they were going coast to coast) in protest of the governments handling of ..let's just say concerns...cause I can't remember the friggin cause), and there route was going down Portage Avenue ..right past our building. So, said host, who needed the ratings made a big mutha deal of it, and announced on the radio, that he wanted all these people to come into our offices for coffee and donuts... and they did.
...yeah rite...we had coffee, but we had no donuts............we all had to scramble and try to find some foods for these hungry farmers who the "host" was supporting in his show. Finally I remembered we had about 50 boxes of a chocolate bars in our storage room a customer had given us for give aways. I called the promo dept. and hauled them out for the farmers.
That was a morning to be remembered. Hundreds of farmers walked into our little reception area, and with the swift thinking of staff and such we didn't disappoint them.
All the farmers are gone. Time to clean up my area, from littered chocolate bar wrappers and old cups of coffee. Then go for lunch.
1:00 PM .. Same ole...
Caller: What time is it?
She says, my son bought me a new clock and I can't get it working, it just keeps flashing...
Joan: I tell her in in my 911 voice..m'am you will have to call your son and ask him to set it for you.
Caller: What garbage day is it?"
Joan: It's day 4 of the garbage day cycle, please, from now on check your telephone book insert which will give you all the information you may need.
Caller: I know I won a prize on 97/KissFm and when I came in at lunch it wasn't there.
Joan: Sorry, Brother Jake, left all the prizes up here with me today, but your name wasn't on it.
Caller: You F*n bitch...he promised me a coffee cup, I WON IT...IN HIS CONTEST!
Joan: I will call Brother, muther Jake, and ask him if he made a mistake and had taken too many drugs during his show...and forgot about your frigging MUG!
Caller: Very old man....."did I hear on your station, that you do hospital alerts?"...I said, sir are you talking about an advertisement we have with medic alert bracelets or another one which alerts the hospital if you are in need of care?". "I don't know, he says...and jeezus..he sounds like he is on his last legs..and me I don't know what to do,.....by this time the switchboard is lighting up like a Christmas tree, and I have to put him on hold. I field all the calls, and when I got back to him...he was gone.....Was he confusing the station with 911.? was he dying?... I don't know..it haunts me to this day.
Walk in: Excuse me miss....."can I talk to your engineer?". He looked a little weird, and I had a few reservations about him, (fingernails about an inch long) plus he was in his pajamas but just to get rid of him I called Keith and said, "there is a guy here that wants to talk to a engineer". I just wanted this guy out of my face. Keith comes up from downstairs, and (stupid Keith) says come to my office. It didn't take more than ten minutes when Keith came back up and said..."why the hell did you let that guy in the station"....ummmm..."well, he wanted to talk to an engineer" ...and that be you shit head............apparently, this guy told him that he had a chip implanted in his head after a car accident, and was picking up CJOB and he wanted Keith to change our signals so he wouldn't be hearing it anymore...(hey he could be your next door neighbour).
Walk in Prize Winner: 'My girlfriend won a prize yesterday, and I'm picking it up."
Joan:...Okay Mr. Nobel Prize Winner...what is her name? ....some hesitation...I think she used Jude this time, sometimes she used Judy. Sorry, bud, no one named Jude or Judy won a prize in the last week.
Walk in Prize Winner: Indignant...'What are you guys running here...she won the tickets...
Joan: If she won the tickets she has to come and claim them herself and we need identification, you can't come in here and just get the tickets!
Walk in Prize Winner: "Fuck you assholes"!!! ...starts to walk out...turns around, and asks if we have an 97/KISS FM T shirts that haven't been picked up by other winners...I tell him...( hmmm I will call our Engineer) LOL.................geez he woulda killed me...
Last one for tonite...but I haven't even scratched the surface:
7:00 AM...I turned on the switchboard. The first call I got was from a guy, who very calmly told me he had placed a bomb in our building, and then hung up. I sat there for a moment, and thought, well, who do I tell first, the NEW ROOM, this was NEWS!...or do I try to find someone in administration. Unfortunately, Admin. people only come in at 8:00 - 9:00 AM..
I had a switch under my desk, and when some weirdo would come in that I couldn't handle I was told to press it and someone from the newsroom would come and try to help. I pressed it...really hard...and they all came out arunning...phewww that one had me ascared..
I could go on forever, but don't want to bore you....I was never bored working there, but I was mighty stressed.
....but never bored...