Monday, January 31, 2011

Something funny happened at Safeway

I didn't foresee anything happening because my life has been so un-happening.  I parked the truck with the big freaking plow in front of it in a handicapped spot.  I consider myself  handicapped with that big mother effer sticking out of the front of it. So there! 

I turned off the ignition and the truck kept on running! Nothing much surprises me anymore ...unless you count the day Elvis died.  This was bigger.  HOW IN THE HELL DOES YOUR TRUCK KEEP ON RUNNING WHEN YOU TURN OFF THE IGNITION?  Sorry for the yelling.  I sat in the truck for a few minutes trying to figure it out. I could not figure it out.  I have a remote starter for it, but it will kick out if  I apply the brakes.  Nothing helped....she just kept on running.  So I looked around the truck and tried to figure out what to do.  Do I lock the doors and just let it keep running while I am in the store?...

Then like the sleuth that I am...I got out of the truck and checked the tires.  I pounded on the hood....while yelling TURN THIS FUCKING TRUCK OFF!  Truck did not hear me.  Apparently it does not have ears.  Bastard.  So I went into Safeway...really fast because I thought it might catch fire or something, and when I came out it had stopped.  That SOB...was getting on my last nerve. 

You don't have any idea how helpless you feel when your truck (car) doesn't stop running. I wanted to take a brick and kill it.  STOP.   Yes I could have lifted the hood and disconnected the battery and killed myself with jolt of electricity that would have made my under pants  wrinkle. I however chose to go into Safeway and let nature take it's course.  And it shut off.  That is why I never tell the people on Face Book to quit putting the God messages on my site.  I need all the help I can get.

Friday's dump

The plows came in on Saturday and piled it all on the sides of the street.  Some of the piles are at least 10 feet high. 

Needless to say me and my brown hair (or is it my brown hair and I) have been staying close to home.  I haven't done anything constructive with my time.  My desk is piled high with paperwork, wool, candies, candles, pens, markers, rulers, and post it notes sitting here waiting for me to take some action. 

I have become so easily distracted.  I have a least 5 different web pages minimized, plus face book, blogger and twitter at one given moment.  I bet I have asked google at least 100 inane questions in one day.  "How do I"... do this or that.   Someone take pity on me before I get another bright idea that ends up in the toilet.

However, I did bake a banana loaf.  This time I did not forget the oil.  The last one I baked would have not even been worthy of a homeless shelter.  Instead of eating it they would have stuffed in their jackets and tried to keep warm with it. Tsk ... what a loser I have become.

I'm starting to twitch and my minimized pages are calling me .... balonieeeeeee come waste some of your time with us.

I am going to the store today so perhaps I will have some amazing adventures to tell you about when I get back.  I hope I don't see that guy who hogs the roadway in front of the store again ... because I have the "snow blade" on the truck this time.  If he is there I will spank him hard!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I dyed my hair today

A nice soft brown colour.  I really love it.  I was so sick of the grey and blond crap.  Most times when I go darker it gets red and I look like an old hooker in red hair.  I have been blond forever, my natural colour was always brownish but as time went on it turned grey so...time for a change.  I took some really dumb pictures and put them on flip book.  Let's see if blogger will will make them flip. I have a funny chin.  It looks like a little piece of fat hanging down from my lips.  I checked out all my mom, dad and my brothers pictures any nobody has this chin.  I am sure I was adopted. I'm not sure what you will have to do with this thing to make it work....but get creative.

Have you ever tried to take a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror?  It's a nightmare.  You should see the stuff I didn't put on flipbook it looks like I had just got out of prison.  I have a prison face.

The dog keeps looking at my head today.  Does she realize my head looks darker or does she think I have just escaped from a wino rehab facility?  Not sure.

I did this after I had my picture taken for my drivers licence yesterday. OMG. They make you take off your glasses and you can't smile.  You just sit there like a turkey getting ready for plucking.  You know you look like a 65 year old piece of shit .... but could you a least make my jowls go away if I smiled......NO.  Your jowls will go into history. 

What I should have done when I went in for the photo opp is worn a wig and weird glasses.  If I ever get stopped by the cops or asked for photo ID I would show them the card ... oops no that doesn't seem like such a good idea because my jowls will still be showing.  I think I will make jowls next year for Thanksgiving dinner.  Someone get them off my face!   Jello Jowls. Gravity is my enemy. 

Ahhh, so it is with getting older.  I dyed my hair and now I am not looking at my jowls so much.  I have redirected my energy to my hair.  That is something I can control.  I really like control.  But that asshat in the Safeway parking lot today almost  made me loose it.  What is it with you people who want to sit in front of the store with engine running while waiting for your piss me off.  I can hardly get around dumb piece of shit....Get a parking spot just like everyone else.  And if you see an elderly lady getting out her Explorer with shiny brown hair and a stick.....I suggest you move on. Because she just is going to loose it. 

Balonie....on a good day!

Monday, January 24, 2011

I have been screwing around with my template again

I can't leave well enough alone.

I have to get out of the house and do something constructive.  I'm letting the weather get me down.  I need to kick it's ass.  Shovelling snow is not an option. 

Actually I have been doing a lot of catch up work with our business and the bookwork that I never had time to do before.  I have everything organized.  Once I get caught up from last year ... this year should be a cake walk.  It feels good to know where everything is and I can put my finger on anything that is needed.  Before I knew where everything was "sort of" .... after coming home from work, making supper then trying to sort out paper work, writing cheques, making bank deposits,  taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn and trying to annoy my neighbours was time consuming. So this is a bonus.  Now I can do all the above at my convenience and much faster than I did it before.

THE DOG is giving me the puppy eyes.  Time to go to bed.  Well she isn't the boss of me so I will go to bed when I damn well want to.

She did it again...okay I guess she is. 

Let's get together again when I don't have my boss looking over my shoulder...or my feet in her case. 

Balonie .... my fate has been decided.

Friday, January 21, 2011

That bad ole Red River

I have been freaking out lately with the flood predictions for this coming spring. It's pretty grim.  We had the biggest flood in 1997 and our flood way just barely kept it in check in the city.  All the farms from the North Dakota border to Winnipeg were under siege. All our neighbours to the South in Grand Forks USA got flooded big time. It was a disaster. They are saying that might happen again this year. 

This is the year we are building our dream home barely a mile from the river.  Since then they have made it mandatory to build up your properties to the 97 flood levels ... and ours it was in 97 they did not get flooded on the river side...but could not get access to their homes because it was to dangerous. Ours would be in that area.

I remember that time well, because my BIL lived with us for almost 3 weeks ... and he only lives about half a mile from our new house. The Army was patrolling the whole area and wouldn't let him in his house. He never had to sandbag either because his property was well above the limit....but the river ..she is the devil... even though it didn't come up to his property level  it could come back to it from a lower lying area and flood him. 

I will never forget that time.  We live about three miles from the river and I never thought about it at that time until we got a newletter in the mail saying we would have to be prepared.  Because we have two rivers surrounding our city and now the other "little" river was now going to be a problem.  I clenched my butt alot that month.  What I remember was that everything was going to back up.  Then they started to build dikes all over the farm lands to the West.  Every day we had updates on the news on how that was going.  I remember they had old school buses and junk all around the dikes.  I don't know why.  Or I can't remember.  A buffer?  I am not sure. 

I'm just hoping that won't happen to us. 

THAT  my friends would be a "bummer." of all bums.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

All is well.. they should have called it not bullshit accounting.

Thanks for the advise...but I finally found a program that suits my needs.  No bells, no whistles, just enter in your sales and your expenses.  You can categorize them and it pulls out the taxes with having to enter them.  All you have to do is tell it which one you need. Some of our taxes apply to somethings and not to others... Perfect.  I can pull it all up and see where I am at anytime.  Great Profit and Loss statements...etc.  Absolutely great for a home type business. 

I am so glad I have finally had time to find what I need.  Normally at this time of the year I would be pulling out my hair (while working full time) trying to catch up in a year's worth of bookwork.  This will be very help full.  I will try to do it on a monthly basis now that I am retired. Let's hear a OH YEAH... but I will try, because it is so easy and interesting.  Did I tell you how much I hate Quicken?  (not Quick Books) I just know that it is too sophisticated for out little business .  I call our business little but this has been our bread winner all our lives. 

Update:  Yesterday Gord was putting caulking around our bathtub.  I knew it wasn't going to come to a good conclusion...and it.did.not.  It looks like a guy was playing with silly putty.  I told him 100 times to only smooth it out "one way"....he insisted on going back and forth on it with his finger until it almost dried up. Then when that didn't look good he put more caulking on it.  I suggested using water to smooth it out...he tried but by that time it was too late....we have a large mound of silicone on our tub. You could could use it as a waterslide. WTF.  So when he got home tonight and saw his handy work he suggested that I might need to fix it ...(because I'm so smart) smirk on his face ...ummm well I was smart yesterday buster...and you are stupid might want to go for a time out. The couch is only 10 feet away.

Balonie....don't be fucking around with me.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Tax day is coming ...dirty word

I've been searching for new software for a small business for two days.  I hate Quicken....don't even get me started.  I just need something very very straight forward.  Yes, I know Quicken can be straight forward but it annoys the crap out of me.  I need a program...or spreadsheet if you will.. that I can just enter my invoices and categorize them by Material, Labour and Rent, plus break out the taxes without me entering them in.  Same with expenses.  We have such a small business and I don't need all the bells and whistles.  Last year I got mad and just made a spread sheet and did it on there, but I didn't know how to make a formula on Excel to break out the taxes without entering them. I tried a few, but they were a little iffy. I still need a little more smarts with formula's. 

I know this is boring. 

So go to bed.  I just needed to write this after downloading so many programs today that were useless.  I liked one, but it just sucked the resources out of my computer.

Google needs to get bigger.  I will go on Microsoft tomorrow and try to figure out a spreadsheet that fits our needs in Excel. crockpotting going on here tonight...chicken fried steak..seasoned rice and creamed corn.

PS...Gord's in the bathroom trying to fix a leak in the tub surround with the caulking gun.  Nothing good can come of this.....mark my words.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Coldest day of the year and I smell meatballs in the crockpot

And if I wasn't such an idiot I would know how to use a crock pot.  Perhaps that is why my crock pot chicken didn't turn out that great the other day.  Did you know that the markings on the front 0 - l - ll meant .. off - low - high?  Not  me.  Why the hell don't they just say Off - Low and High?  I was so crazy... I was comparing it to the stove... the burners go from high to low...yet the bake oven goes for low to high. So I didn't know which one to pick.  Obviously I needed a clearer picture.  Those poor meatballs have been sitting in there for 5 hours not knowing which way to go.  Then I got on face book for some help and finally got my answer from some friends.  I got them on low right now... I hope.  By the time we eat them they will taste like a rubber band roll you save when the mailman delivers your mail... with some mushrooms clinging on them.

Crock pots always scare me.  I'm going to make an effort to be friends with them. 

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Trying to pass the time

I made a scarf with puffy wool.  Not without getting really pissed off.  You have no idea how many times I pulled it apart and started again.    Try to ignore me...I'm in a mood.  It's snowing for the trillionest time. 

And just when I was almost done I found an easier way to do it. The wool is so thick and wants to catch on to your wool finger holder.  So I cut off my little finger so it wouldn't interfere with the process. It was well worth it.

This is what is really pissing me off.  Day after day after day. I feel like kicking the mail man.

And then I saw my mom's Christmas Cactus blooming ... and my cold heart melted.

Then I got the big idea to make crock pot chicken.  Chicken should be baked...never crock potted.  It tastes like boiled ass.

Then I sent my dog to jail. Just because I could.

So that is my Sunday wrap up.  Stay warm.

The post I did on Friday and forgot to hit publish

It's nice and toasty in the house today.  I have not stepped out of it because of all the large snowflakes that have almost buried my truck.  No need to go anywhere I have food, drink and shelter.  Yeah... well I call bullshit on myself because when I was working this would just be another snowy day. Put the truck in 4 wheel drive and get on  with it. Now I'm a little fraidy cat....ooooohhhh look at the snoowwwww... I can't handle the snowwwwwwwww.. Nah really I was just stinking lazy today and didn't give a rat's ass. 

I don't know about you guys but  I love me a sitcom that is funny.. The Office is my fav. .  I missed most of it while I was working.  Now I have been following the re-runs on our cable religiously I think I am closer to getting up to date. . Today Pam and Jim got married in Niagara Falls. My heart melted just a little bit.  Because I have been waiting for this for so long.  I especially liked the part when Dwight kicked the bridesmaid face in the dance coming down the isle at their wedding.  And the parts where Pam and Jim were on the boat in Niagara was so nice.  Even this defensive old girl liked it...without any slapstick.

I have been accused of loving dark humour .... and I guess I do.  Sometimes .. The Office does that in it's way.  I love anything ridiculous...but it better be well written and get to that funny bone I have lodged in my brain. 

My brother and  I grew up listening to George Carlin, Bill Cosby and the likes. Thow in a little of Cheech and Chong  and we laughed our asses off. 

Sometimes I try to watch a regular sitcom.....and wonder why did they put so much effort to look and sound stupid.

These shows were before there time.

All in the Family addressed ....real family issues you would never have done in those days .. plus prejudice. They addressed black issues, woman's rights, and many more.  I loved that show...and used that information while I was still a grasshopper.

Mash addressed.. the wars we have never seen in our life time. And doing it with humour. Taking what was a serious situation and still giving us a humorous  yet human side to it.

Golden Girls addressed..  Aging.  And how we could expect to live with it ...with humour.

As my dad used to say:  "see you in the funny papers."

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Now the fun begins...

It seems like some of the tradesmen are back at work after the holiday.  Today our ensuite shower was delivered to site.  It was supposed to be a triangular one, but this one was round and it had a seat in it.  Hey, the seat was cute and probably functional FOR A MIDGET.  Gord said he could hardly turn around in it.  FFsake. So after a flurry or emails we are trying to get that resolved ...let's just see.  I know this is only the beginning and we will have a lot of screw ups all along the way. 

It's slow going in the dead of winter. 

Gord is trying to do all the little fix ups here before we move.   Dishwasher, stove... leaky taps... all sorts of shit.

Went to Wal Mart today to return two kitchen mats I bought last week. One for the patio door and one for the sink area.   When I got them home I realized they didn't have rubber backing on them....both the dog a me were doing a dance on them  for awhile.  When I brought them back to customer service... she asked me the reason for return... I said they didn't have any rubber backing and I was nursing a mild concusion because of that.  I guess sometimes people don't get me ...she said she understood and went on in great detail to tell me about the kitchen mats she has.  Her kitchen mats made grooves on her floor and she did not like them.   I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. Did she buy mats that have steel tongs underneath them?... I don't know.  Then like the stupid ass I am I keep the conversation going  and told her I had tried to put  non slip sheets underneath mine. She had no idea what I was talking about and continued talking about the ridges on her floor from the mat's she bought.  It was like we were both on different planets.  OY.  Then after that I took a Tylenol and tried to get the  computer voice of the 'Under 10 items'.. voice that booms out from the express line ....GO TO NUMBER ONE...GO TO NUMBER TWO.. GO TO NUMBER THREE!!!!!!!!   Out of my head. Shut the hell up. 

As I was standing in line in the return section this is all I could hear..........and I had three little kids in front of me repeating it.  They were pretending  they were directing traffic.  Cute yes...annoying yes.  They were actually quite engaging. But as they were bouncing around me trying to get in the pretend express line when  they heard the message on the loud speaker ... they kept ramming into me on the railing .Then I had a change of heart.  It was just a simple matter of putting my  foot down..under theirs.   One down, two down, three down....then my work there was done.

The mom appeared no fall don't they?

Balonie ..making a resolution for kinder and gentler.

Monday, January 10, 2011


I replied to all your comments tonight... they were very thoughtful...thank you so much.  But blogger thought I was grateful enough to post them 20 times.  WTF!  Geez why can't I do anything right the first time....or blogger...

Sunday, January 09, 2011

I wish I could peel my skin off

I need some rejuvenation.  It's a typical mid winter reaction I know. I keep on wanting to see the future and know it will be there when I get there.  The house, health, name it. It weighs heavily on me. 

I didn't really need the door locks on my truck to seize up again at the grocery store when it was 40 below. (It usually isn't 40 below) but I use that as a guideline here in Canada.  At least this time I didn't have to enter it from the rear overhead door and slide around like a big fat whale out of water to get to the front of the truck.  This time I only had to get into the passenger seat and try to slide over the stick shift into the drivers seat.  Well that's the last you will see of my vagina. 

She broke. 

Like so many other parts of this 65 year old body I will have to kiss her goodbye...if I could reach her. 

I pissed my brother in law off yesterday when he was over. Yeah that was fun.  We got into an argument about ... of all things... the meaning of LOL.  This is a no brainer to me, I have been online for a million years...I invented it....seriously..heh... He said it meant Lot's of Love....are you kidding me?  Then he went into great lengths on his fancy I Phone to challenge me.  He googled it...and I guess somewhere in the "olden days" someone said LOL was used to mean "Lots of Love."  That would be akin to when I was a kid and wrote letters to my cousins in the big city... and followed up with ...

"Yours till I.D.K.


Balonie Land is barren...nobody understands me.

I'm worried about my Penny too.  She has a Lipoma on her shoulder.  She has had it for for about 3 years but this year it has grown a lot.  It's just a bag of fat. And it not dangerous, but yet it is very unattractive. She doesn't even know it's there.  But I do.  Some vet's will try to do liposuction...others will do surgery...most say leave it alone because even after a procedure it will come back.  So, I checked out a lot of web sites today and from the information I got I will be changing her diet because just after the fall I changed some of her dog food....and it really started to get big.  No more dog food bought from the dog food store.... I will make it myself. Let's see if it doesn't get any bigger.

Cooking for three now!

I have a meat loaf beckoning me.  Slathered in Golden Mushroom soup, wth mashed potatoes along with carrots and peas.  Perfect for a long winters nap.

Oh yeah...I forgot to tell you guys... I made Cherry Jello the other day... First time ever that I can remember. I put bananas and fruit cocktail in it as my ancestors did. It's still fun to touch. Still tastes a little like an eraser with kool aid seasoning. Cool Whip took the edge off of it.

Balonie bids you a happy be careful.

Monday, January 03, 2011

My family dinner

We had huge Pot Roast, mashed potatoes, mushroom meatballs, creamed corn, mixed veggies, lots of gravy, flaky butter rolls mit lots of butta and cheese cake for dessert.  I know it doesn't sound like a lot for a big family dinner, but I need to keep it simple or I implode when there is too many dishes going on.  Lots of meat, carbs, and veggies....and it's all good.  We all decided that Jello should be added to next years menu.  I miss Jello.  Actually I hear Jello is making a come back..  Not only in Jello shots, but the way we had it in the olden days...with a can of fruit cocktail in it.  Top it off with some whipping cream...and Bob's yer uncle. Jello is now the new cheesecake. Sometimes my mom used to put bananas in it ALONG with the fruit cocktail for special occasions. We were always amazed to see canned fruit suspended in a flavoured coloured gelatin. It was magic. I loved touching it.  Simpler times..sigh.

My niece Lisa got engaged over the Christmas holidays....and everyone was so happy for her.  She is your typical bride to be.  She has been a bridesmaid for two of her friends and she knows the drill.  Now it's all about photographers...invitations.... bridesmaids (5) so far ..cough.. churches, caterers.. Here in Winnipeg the popular thing to do is have a social before your wedding.  Tickets are sold for a huge party for the bride and groom... and then there is merriment and dancing. A very loud band, cash bar and each table is filled with Kobasha (garlic sausage)  rye bread, chips,  pickles and cheese. The couple then gets to keep the proceeds from the social to help them in there new life together.  It's a tradition in our culture.  Then you go home a puke it all up.

 I can't tell you how many times in my younger years that I thought that was fun.  The band is sooooo loud you have to yell to get heard  at your table....and by the time you get home your voice is gone.  And if you are a as mouthy as I won't talk for a week.  I have not gone to one of these for years and years.  Now I will have to.  I will also have the behave.  After all I am her Auntie Joannie Balonie...I'm the adult here. Let's see how that goes.

When the kids were here at Christmas I showed them our wedding pictures I had scanned a few years ago.  Everyone had a really good laugh at our expense. Fashion was different in 1972 you morons.....What is wrong with a man in a burgandy velvet suit.?  Let's not talk about the bow tie.  Today....he would have been considered  gay ....Then...not so much ...just a guy who likes velvet I think.  I can't believe I agreed to that.  I think Elvis had something to do with it.

So, I have a lot to teach that little grasshopper.....because she is thinking about doing purple for her bridesmaid dresses and the guys will have purple accents in there tuxedos.  Nothing good can come of that. So....what comes around goes around .... in 40 years she and her husband will look like jerks just like we did then. 

I like that.


Sunday, January 02, 2011

Look way down on the right side bar

There you will notice I have been in the business of blogging for 7 years....and yes, I used my fingers to count them. 2004 doesn't count because it was New Year's Eve 2004 when I started.

At first I typed 11 years but that seemed like a long time.  So I took my fingers off the keyboard for yet another count.  I started counting 2005-6-7-8-9-10-11, you can see what an easy mistake that was to make. Ridiculous but true.

I'm just killing some time here because I was going to go to the store.  But I forgot it's 50 fricking below out there and the truck will need to warm up.  Guess who washed the truck yesterday in this weather...Gord!! and all the doors were frozen shut.  I managed to open the back overhead door and had to climb/crawl through the back to get to the front of the truck.  I am not happy about that.  I'm just glad I got it open because I HAVE to go to the store ... we are out of coke.  Important huh?   Yes.very.  I must have one coke a day or my whole day is shot to hell.  I don't care what you say.  I can't even type anymore I need a coke.  So goodbye.