Wednesday, February 28, 2007

He's home!!

He passed his stress test with flying colours!! He said he could have gone another round if they would have let him, but I think he was bragging.

Penny was mighty glad to see him, because she was thirsty. You see, he is the keeper of her water bowl, and I never fill it. She hasn't had a refill since Sunday..OMG! Fortunately, her bowl is HUGE..and he always fills it to the top. When he got home this afternoon, the first thing he did was change her water...and was empty. It's one of those silver bowls and you can't really see if there is water in it, and I never noticed in all my stressfulness. I was wondering why she was eating snow yesterday...GAWD I feel guilty. Poor Penny Loafer.

When he went in for his gall stone operation a few years back, the same thing happened, but Penny gave me a hint, she laid in front to the bowl and wouldn't get up! I have her stuff all in a little corner in our bedroom, because the kitchen is too small for doggy bowls, and I guess I didn't put on the light when I fed her and never noticed. Geez I feel like shit.

I just got back from the pharmacy after having his prescriptions dispensed. F*k...are pills make of gold? 4 different the cost of 279.79!! Thank you God for my Blue Cross at work. They pay it cost around 70.00 bucks.

He is having a little nap right now, while I'm getting supper going.

He is going to try to loose weight, and stop stressing about the little crap. So hopefully we can beat this crap. But...oh my god it's going to hard to keep him down. We almost got into it a few times today...because I was telling him he can't do this or that...and of course he shot back with his I'm just going to keep my big yap shut and quit stressing him with my fears.....and maybe take a more proactive way of expressing my opinions.

I went to Safeway on Tuesday, and they have what I call "the widows bench" by the door, where the the old ladies gather waiting for the transit van to take them back the their homes or apartments. I couldn't imagine sitting there. I was scared.

So, maybe things will look up. I sure hope so.

Thank you all for your support.


Monday, February 26, 2007

Things are looking up

My plow boy has just about got tubes and shit out of him. He is on his own now. We will just be waiting for the stress test on Wednesday to see where we are going from here. I am optimistic.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, you have no idea how much that meant to me.

He has been bossing me around all day today from his bedside this morning. So I finally had to get pen to paper to remember it all.

*Make a bank deposit
*Phone all the customers he had scheduled for this week, to tell them that he would not be able to do their service calls.
*Bring a clean pair of shorts on your next visit this afternoon
*Bring a toothbrush and toothpaste as well
*Tell the doctor I want to get the hell out of here tell him!

Just kidding, he isn't being unreasonable at all, but you can tell it's just making him crazy not being able to do things for himself.

Gord is know as "Gordy Good Guy" in our parts, and he is always the first person to be there when you need help. It's just his nature, he cannot say no to anyone. Even if you don't ask him. (therefore the heart attack sheez)..anyway I think by the outpouring of love he has received from his friends, neighbours and family, he will see that it has not gone unnoticed.

When I called one of his customers, I was so moved...she cried! She was sobbing on the phone and praying, while I was trying to keep my composure. When we finally started to talk, she told me that she had been a customer of his for 20 years and he was the only appliance repair person she could trust, because he was so honest. I told Gord the story after when I got back to the hospital, and I think he was almost moved to tears. There are so many fly by night crapola stinkers out there, that just take your money and run, and that is not how he operates...he gets the job done.

I haven't been able to eat for two days, but after talking to the doc, his customers, his family and my bro (who has gone thru the whole heart ordeal) .. I'm ready to chow down...

Now, if I could only get Penny off the couch that overlooks the driveway..waiting for her Gord to come home. I wish I could talk "dog" and explain it to her.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Very sad news

Gordon had a heart attack last night.

Fortunately we caught it in time as he is doing pretty good so far.
He will have to stay in the hospital until Wednesday, and then they will assess whether or not he will need an Angioplasty or have stent put in. I don't know if that is the correct terminology but I'm sure I will be hearing a lot of it in the future.

I don't think I believed until I just typed it now, it seems so unreal.

I'll catch up with you later, I'm just on my way back to the hospital.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

King Ludwig 11 .. A love story

He was the King of Bavaria between 1864-1886. And these are his digs. The castle at Nueschwanstein in the Alpse. As they say in Bavaria.

I have a screen saver at work on my computer that I downloaded from Web Shots. All I knew about it was that it was a beautiful palace in Bavaria. Everyone in the office commented on it, so I researched it.

I found Balonies true love.
As you know she is a free spirit that comes to visit me now and again, but today I think I found her long lost love. I have been hoping for years to be able to find out why she is haunting me.
I congured her up today, and presented my findings. She tearfully admitted to me, that yes, Ludwig and her had an affair in 1880, and he was the love of her life. She never got over his drowning after being arrested 1886. And since, she has never been able to rest.
To be continued.......

Monday, February 19, 2007

The case of the "glove that healed itself"

I have a pair of gloves I love more than my dog.

Last spring after it got warmer, I put my gloves away in a secret place.

This winter I could not find my gloves.

Then one day, I found one of them on top of the freezer in the laundry room. Just the one!!! Was I expecting to loose an arm over the winter? I don't know. I left the glove there hoping that the other one would somehow find it's mate when I wasn't looking. It never happened. So, one day while I was doing laundry down there, I felt sorry for glove, and I threw him in my laundry basket and took him upstairs. I never saw him again after that.

Last weekend, I bought a new laundry hamper, and when I emptied out the old one, I found "glove." .. in the bottom corner of the old hamper. There was much rejoicing!! So in order to keep track of "glove" I put him in the closet on a shelf where I could see him at all times. His partner was still at large.

On Sunday, as I was trying to get all bundled up to take Penny for a walk, I found his mate on a shelf of the closet in the foyer. Again, with the rejoicing.

But, when I matched the two of them up, there was not so much rejoicing, because they were in pretty bad shape. The thumb parts had holes in them, and some of the finger things were coming apart! AWW!! But because I loved them so much, I took thread to a needle and sewed them back up. It wasn't perfect, but it would take me into spring until I could find another pair of gloves this cozy.

This morning, as I was stumbling around trying to get ready to head out the door for work, I grabbed my precious old gloves off the table by the door. And as I was driving into work, I noticed that there was nary a seam out of place. I was positive that I had mended them, and I don't mean that in a good way, because I just closed up the holes!! was a hack job. But, these gloves had no indication of being treated unfairly. I could hardly drive, I kept on looking at them .. and going "what the hell." When I hit a red light, I even took them off to see if I had mended them from the inside out so the hack job didn't show. Nope, they were clean as, all I could think of was, that they were so happy to see each other,....they healed themselves.

I thought about it all morning, and couldn't figure it out.

Later, when I came home for lunch I noticed another pair of the same gloves sitting on the floor by the railing near where the other ones were. Well, sumamabitch...they were, my two wounded ones.

Okay, so, who's gloves am I wearing? Then a little light went on...Hippychick gave those gloves to me for Christmas two years ago, and she had bought a pair for herself!!

So, when she left here (in all her sobriety on Saturday), she left HER gloves behind, when she put them down on the the table by the door!!

The reason she never called me to retrieve her missing gloves, probably was.. she was flying out to Cancun Mexico at 2:00 AM after leaving here, for a two week vacation ..lovely, and I'm guessing she didn't think she needed them.

Fuck her, she is Cancun and I'm sitting here in Winnipeg freezing my vagina off... I'm wearing her gloves!! ...Mine look like shit!!

I am wondering how the hell my gloves look like such shit while hers still look like new?

Probably because she spends most of her winter in Cancun and I'm here in Manitoba... in the cold, trying to rebuild my transmission in my unheated garage. It's hard when you only have the cheap gloves she gave me for Christmas. That's why.

I wore her gloves tonight, when I split and chopped up an acre of trees. Now, her gloves will have a story to tell when she gets them back, and they will have a few holes of their own to show for it. I'm in stage 5 of self pity...I really want to be in Cancun.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

New rules for Attitude Adjustment Hour

click for a bigger pic.
Everyone is required to "blow before you go." Much to the astonishment of my Saturday nite motley crew, I made some rules. I can't seem to keep enough red wine on hand for my two girls, so I thought if I bought the home breathalizer kit, they might quit drinking all my booze. God knows, I can hardly keep up with my own consumption.

They treated it like a party joke. Neither of them took it seriously. Bitches. They seemed to take delight in trying to get it to go from to from "safe" "drunk." You see, they are former country folk from the 1960's and think none of the rules today apply to them. So, my plan backfired, plus that stupid thing cost me $20 bucks, which I could have used to buy another bottle of wine..FOR THEM.

They were quite amused and traded drunk driving stories from the 60's and 70's.

I was just trying to be the responsible host..and a cheap one because I thought they would actually drink less. Didn't happen. So,now what I have to do is make a shit pile of food for them, along with all the wine they drink to keep them sober. All and all, I am not winning. heh....I hope y'all know I'm kidding..I love them. And they don't get drunk...well they did blow "over".. But as kid's from the 1960's they said they knew how to handle their liquour, and the device was just a toy. Yeah!! But when they left it was at a safe level. They still laughted at it.

But, I have a plan. I am watering down the wine. Also, I am making snacks I know they don't like. Maybe they will get the hint and find the snacks and the wine at Chez Martinez are so dispicable they will have to bring their own. Hippy Chick contributes snacks every now and again, but I usually do it. And, if they bring their own wine, I won't be responsible for their I will be a little richer. I want to make my $20 bucks back for the Alcohol tester!!

Sunday Night Supper:

Same ole cow. Back in the same ole pot. I wasn't feeling particularily creative in food management services today. So, I threw a roast in a pot, along with veggies and potatoes and gravy and called it supper. Someone should put me on a "time out"..I feel so lazy.

I spent the major portion of the day doing bookwork for Gord's business. It's that time of year again, while listening to a podcast of "Keith and the Girl." Those guys break me up!

I didn't call Special K today, liked I planned to, because I was too busy, so I don't know how she is doing with her computer.

So, it's time to wrap er up. I'm always tired after a week-end when I have to exorsise Balonie....she depletes all my energy.

Friday, February 16, 2007

It's me know the evil one.

Special K is still having puter probs. I'm thinking I should phone her tomorrow and ask her if she wants me to "host" her blog while she is away. You know, just telling youse guys a Special K story or so, from my perspective.

I could have me some fun in there. Number one, I would change her template HAAAAA..Then I might play around with her "drawerings" on her side bar. Evil grows in my mind. I NEED TO GET HER PASSWORD! I have so many "smellus" stories I have concocted in my mind to share. I would have course have to take my dictionary with me to try to duplicate her extensive use of the English language.

I really think I could write a blog and nobody would know it wasn't her...except for the ellipes, my spelling and grammer errors, other than that ..bring it on.

Do you think I should call her? Maybe I shouldn't. She is probably so pissed off by now she might yell at me. But, I'm used to it...she loves making fun of us raisins, and I love making fun of young folks who don't have a computer. Hey little girl, we raisins have computers that don't... hold on...I'm just ducking incoming fire here!!!

This is so unfair.....balonie!!! how the hell did you get in here? I apologize, she rears her ugly head every now and again. What did you say to Special K? ... and quit trying to minimize the screen!! you bitch!!
What the hell are you doin?... we are trying to run a proper blog here and you are all about the evil again. As I have said to you time and time again, get out of my head. I let you out for a few minutes; it was a calculated risk, but you crossed over and now I'm at your mercy again. HAAAAAAAALP!

Balonie: I am now in control of this blog. Joan is gone. Say your goodbyes and good ridence to bad rubbish!! She is a pain in the ass. Miss do gooder. Always says nice things in your comments. She puts up with that Gord she is married to for a lousy cherry pie. Lord, I'm going to the bank and am taking out all her money, and going to Veges. Because I have heard ..everything that happens in Veges, stays in Veges, and she will never find me or her money.

I might go to Graceland first. I need me some time to talk to the King. I trust his judgement before I extort her cash. After all he is the King. And.. this is the shocker.. I might be carrying his baby! Chances are I will name he/she Vivalasveges. Viva for short. I know it sounds like a name of a Ford car but sometimes the King speaks to me from beyond, and this is what he told me to do.

So, don't count on seeing "Joan" on here anytime soon, because she is like plaque on my teeth...crap on my toliet paper...and ...ooops I seem to be fading...damn it she just pointed a lazer gun at my soul.....I'll be back you bitch!!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The day after ...da ...lovvvvvvvvve day..

I'm still glowing. Only because the wicked Cherry Pie my Gord brought me to celebrate this most monumentous event. I made up that word. I think.

This was a pie to die for.

He paid $15.00 bucks for it. He almost buckled up when he got the bill, but then he realized I was worth every penny of it! Yes, me balonie, his valentine.

My supper for him, on the other hand, was uneventful. I tried to make my mennonite perogys...low cal. Nothing says shit like trying to use half and half instead of whipping cream for the gravy. Bad move. Plus the dry cottage cheese I got from Safeway, must have been fermenting in someone's crotch for a few days..gawwd..

Lesson learned. If you are going to make an ole family favorite, do it right or don't do it at all. I could see the disappointment in his eyes. So...I will do it all over again this weekend and make the real thing. I think the whole world has gone mad, because we feel so guilty eating the foods we grew up with. blahhhhhh

So for the next few nights we will be eating our way through that Cherry Pie, and loving every piece...along with some french vanilla fuck the nay sayers.

I am so tired of hearing what we should eat....the media never stops. I try and try to make the right decisions to make sure we have all the food groups..but sometimes I wonder how the hell my parents got us through it all, when we didn't even know that broccoli existed! We never ever had cauliflower, we didn't have all those weird greens you see in packages in the store. We had peas, carrots, cabbage, beans, tomatoes, potatoes, and turnips (which I didn't like), but I do now, plus beets, and corn. Those were all our staples. And they still are the veggies we like, and we are not going to change. I don't mind a little of the other stuff, but I know what we like and what makes us feel good. Plus we like our salads too...and have them all the time.

It seems like we are living on another planet don't ya think?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

V day

Have you had enough?
I'm not a mushy person by nature, so take it when when you can get it baby!
Gord and I are a "hot" item these days. He's got the waterbed cranked up to 90 degrees!! I knew that was going to happen. I still have my feather mattress on the bed, which is now holding in all the heat that eluded us with the unreliable waterbed heater we had before. I was cooked right through this morning, like a pig on a spit. And, there is too much water in the bed, I feel like I'm going to roll off at any minute. But, I totally screwed myself up on Sunday when we were filling the bed. When he took off all the hoses and the little "motor sucker" thingamajig, he made a comment "well, I won't put this back in my truck, because you will find a problem with the water level." WELL, that got my hackles up...and I went on.and.on....about him suggesting? I was a bitchy person. Finally he took all the equipment and put it back in the truck.

Okay ... either I have to admit I am a teensie weensie bit of a bitch, or I get the hose out and do it the hard way without the motor sucker thingamajig behind his back. I know how to do it, and I'm not sure he would notice if I took out a few gallons of water out at a time. So, this is a difficult decision. I have already turned down the bed to 80 degrees..let's see if he notices that tonight...and tomorrow, I might just start emptying it out a bit at a time. I cannot loose face. I must have Japanese blood. Sushi anyone?

Now, if my big mouth wouldn't have gone into high gear, we could have resolved this like grown-up's.... now there will be nothing but lies and deception. I can't wait....bring it on. I want to win.
If I get caught, I will admit to being a crabass. But until then, I'm taking the long way home..heh.

Tomorrow for Valentines day, I'm will make my "love" a special dinner. We haven't had homemade Mennonite cottage cheese Perogies for about two years. We will then partake in a side of baked farmer sausage along with thick cream gravy for the Perogies. A dish of fresh tomatoes will also accompany the meal, and then some bread to sop up the gravy left on the plate. According to the "Canadian Heart and Stroke Association," we will be dead by 9:00 PM.
What they don't know, is we will top that off with a slice of Cherry Pie...with French Vanilla Icecream, that my valentine brings me every February 14th. So, I guess we will have to squeeze that in before 9:00PM. Before we die.
On my death bed, I might come clean, and tell Gord that I took a few gallons off the waterbed, but I'm sure he will forgive me for my lying ass. He always does. That is why he is my choice of Valentine Man of the year!!!
Love ya Gord.. thanks for putting up with me...I know it's not me .

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Waterbeds and Hammers

I like this new template. I don't say that too often, because most of the time I don't. I just crank em out. I like the primary colours on the header. Sorry, I haven't got it all together yet. I have been way to busy this weekend to get anything done on the computer, so it is still all half arsed.

On Saturday, I made an effort to get every last piece of dog hair on the carpets in my vacumn cleaner. I sucked this house dry. I was truly amazed at the amount of hair that had accumlated behind the waterbed in the last 3 years! There is only about 6 inches between the wall and the bed, but god all mighty...there was enough hair to make 3 puppies. So, I'm guessing all this sneezing Gord does ALL NIGHT LONG, wasn't because he was allergic to me. But even without the dog hair, I'm sure he is somewhat allergic to me. Ahem.

There was three rolls of toliet paper behind the bed in various stages of use, which had fallen through the bottom of the headboard. Gord always puts a roll between us at night, it's like a condem. And God only knows, why I didn't get pregnant the nights those toliet paper rolls fell down behind it.

Today, Sunday, was a challenge. Gord and I do not work well together. But as luck would have it..our waterbed heater has gone on the fritz. It's been a family job "to do" since the fucking Patio Block fiasco, and seeings it takes team work for us to acutally spend a Sunday afternoon in the house together. He has his shit, I have mine. So, with the temp's the way they are right now, we are freezing our asses off in the bed. The heater would work somedays, and the next..not so much. SO, his brother got us a used waterbed heater from ebay. Nuff said. But, couldn't we have just gone to the store and bought one? I wasn't to crazy about getting electical appliances on ebay... so I checked it out.. It looked like it wouldn't kill us, so I opted to put it in.

It's a big job emptying the bed, and I had to get some team spirit going this morning, without pissing him off. Apparently he does not know where anything is this house is located?????... HE LIVES HERE FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE!

Okay, nevermind...I'm calming down.

He went to the shop this morning to get a hose, to drain the bed. I had a hose in the house, but I couldn't find it last night when we were prepping for our family day together. When he came back he had this suction pump he uses to take water out people washing machines when they break down, and thought it would be useful to pull the water of the bed faster. But it didn't.

Then I found the hose we were looking for last night ...geez.. too late.

The hose attached to it was too small and was made for a small volume of water, so the motor on this thing was smelling to high hell...I thought it was going to burn out!! But, he had a brain wave, and attached the garden hose to it, and it worked perfectly. The bed was empty in about 1/2 hr.

Once the bladder was empty, and we took it off the bed, then we could see that the water bed liner had enough hair in it for another 3 was gross. Just to let you know, we aren't gross unclean people, but we never expected this!! We have had dogs before, but they were poodles and didn't shed. So this was a real surprise.

I expected some skin remants...but all this hair. No.

Then we saw that the liner of the water bed had sunk below the bladder and it was all pulled down on the wouldn't have done a thing to pervent a leak. But... we didn't have a new liner, so we did the next best thing, we cleaned it all up and stapled it back up..holes and all. We are hoping if a leak does occurs the water will move to the bottom of the bed where the liner is still intact. Optomism? yes...shit for brains ..yes. But somehow we always still like to live a little outside of the law.

Finally when it came time to fill it up again, we had a difference of opinion on how much water to put into it. I like the water level a little lower, because he is heavier than me, and if it's too full, I feel like I'm laying on a piece of cement.

Yackity yack...back and forth. And when I'm not looking he fills it up way to much. (by mistake)...back in forth. Forth and back.

What I didn't tell youse guys was, when he was putting up the liner in the bed with the staple gun...I was the one right behind him with the hammer....just in case the gun didn't get the staple in properly. God forbid the bladder would get a sharp staple in it and then there would be a flood...and knowing our track record..there would be no ark in sight.

So, little miss know it all (balonie) kept hammering in the staples..just to make sure....and then she forgot to take her finger off the staple....and whammed her finger. so as I write this index fingernail on my left hand is "blue." And throbbing. Gord finally took the hammer out my hand, "god bless him," and said I was my worst enemy...I am.

The bed hasn't warmed up too much yet..nor has Gord. So, I'm going to put on my parka and go to bed and cuddle up with Penny. I was just watching this really cool guy on TV singing in the Grammies...mannnnnnnnn he would warm me up in a heatbeat. I swear.... but's not to be.

Friday, February 09, 2007


I just noticed that all my blogger links don't work on my sidebar. Jeez Louise...what now??

I checked my template and they look okay...probably that damn new version of blogger screwing with me. So, I guess I got my work cut out for this weekend.

I did a very bold thing today. I gave my blog address to my cousin Tony. No one in my family has it except my two nieces and they know I am a little addled, so no worries...but I couldn't resist giving it to Tony. He has the "best" sense of humour and I thought he might get a chuckle out of it. He's is pretty old (I'm baiting case he reads this). heh.. He is so old, he goes to Arizona for the winter. He lives in a retirement condo, with his wife.

He feeds the pigeons most mornings, and scratches his ass the rest of the day.

I named him Ton-yeah...a very long time ago. My Grandma used to have this immigrant lady who lived next door to her, and whenever she saw him, she would yell Tonyah!!! And it stuck in my mind forever. And I'm sure he wishes I would fogetaboutit already!!

I will pick up on this story tomorrow, but I have to call my brother tonight and have a chat with him.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Lube Job without warranty

Remember when I "overtalked" about my lame cold and flu at great I'm doing it again with the weather.
Sue me.

It was SO cold today, some of my spinal fluid leaked out of my body, and I couldn't walk until I got an oil change, and a lube job. I was very surprised when I went to my doctor/mechanic and they asked me to get up on the hoist and lay face down...huh?

I laid face down as directed. So they could get to see all my parts... I guess.

As I was being checked over by my doctors/ mechanics, I could hear them making notes on all the work they might have to do on me.

Dave: Her transmission seems to be a little sluggish man...we can make her go in "forward," but we can't get her into "reverse." Balaji..what are you seeing at you end?

Balaji: I can see this woman has plenty of flesh, what are you thinking Dave, should we do some laparoscopic procedures...she's got lots of ummm fat? That could be making her sluggish. We could save some of it for our oil changes.

Dave: Balaji! Hold it man! That's against the law!

Balaji: Not in my country!

Dave: Okay, man..than just do it. It can hurt.

Balaji: Okay Dave, but I have to test the rest of her first, I see that her tires are bald and the nipples need changing. They don't seem to be holdin air anymore!

Dave: How many miles do you think she's got on her Balaji?

Balaji: Dave, I'm guessing 300,000 clicks. She is definately out of warranty.

Dave: OKAY...then we can charge her the big bucks!! What else do you see back there?

Balaji: It appears that her "rear end" needs a little work. I hear some grinding noises.

Dave: Man, that doesn't sound good! Looks like she's been around the block a few times Balaji.

Balaji: Dave, you should be down here, you should see her "drive train!!" It's missing a few cogs Davie boy.

Dave: Okay Balaji....let's bring her down, I guess it's time to give her the bad news!

Balaji: She's coming down Mr. boss!!

Dave: Balonie, do you know you are just about worn out?

Balonie: SAY'S WHO?

Dave: Balaji said you are.

Balonie: Davie, hon, "come a little closer boy", "and bring that chickpea sucking chickenshit idiot Balaji with you!"

Dave: Balonie, just keep your knickers on...

Balonie: I'm warning you Davie, alls I came in here for was to get my oil changed and a lube job, and you two "stumpholes" made it your beeswax to give me the "once over." If I would have wanted the "once over" I would have just looked in the mirror, you stinking little turds!!

Dave: It was all Balaji's idea!!!

Balaji: Ohhhh, Ms. Balonie, no need to be so my country we always check out our women on a hoist. First have to make sure they have all their parts intact, so when the wedding night comes, we know we are driving the right car.

Balonie: DAVE get out of the oil changing pit, I see you hiding in there and I'm coming after you.. you little grease monkey. BALAJI phone your wife, and tell her you will never have anymore children, because I just found the vice grip.

Dave & Balaji: ..crying like little girls: Ms. Balonie, don't hurt us, we were just trying to put you back together in good shape.

Balonie: Oh yeah, like you guys care! You knew my warranty was up, so you started to look for bigger problems....all I asked for was an oil change and a lube job, and I want it right NOW!

Dave & Balaji: Ms. Balonie, where do you want it?

Balonie: I. DON'T. KNOW. You are the experts!!

Dave & Balaji: (still crying like little girls) We don't want to touch you!

Balonie: Okay, you two pussies....give me a can of oil and a can of lube ..."to go"...and I will figure out where to put it, you stupid assholes!

Dave & Balaji: Ohhhhhh Ms...we are so grateful, it will never happen again.

Balonie: Damn right it won't. Okay, then...just don't tell "Ford", I was here, because as far as they are concerned I still have warranty, even though I turned my odometer back ... just a smidge. No need to tell them.

Dave & Balaji: Our lips a zipped. Just don't close us up in the oil pit again.


I'm watching those two...and if the oil and lube doesn't work on my body parts, I'll be putting them back in the hole. Maybe not just me...I might get Andie Pandie to help. I hear she has some mean moves. And she don't take no shit.

Be afraid you two morons.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Did you just see my weather pixie?

It's -31 and she is wearing a nice warm coat.

On Ellen's blog her weather wearing a sweater for God's sake!! And she only lives a few miles from my house. How did the Pixie Chicks get all befuddled?

If this is a weather related post you have been waiting for.. you are in luck!!

It is sooooo cold that:

** When my dog took a dump yesterday, it stood upright and froze on the spot. I'm not "shitting" you! I was watching her when she went out because is was so deadly cold, and when she did her business it stood straight up!! HAAA... And as dogs do, she turned around and was going to smell her crap, and backed up very this turd was standing upright!! She looked at it very suspiciously, that could not have come from my bowels. She circled it a few time and then got scared and ran back up the stairs to the door. She came in with frozen feets and furrowed brow, and later prayed for Global Warming.

** My Garage door opener no longer works. Unless you try to open it between 1:00PM and 4:00 when the sun hits it, and it will unthaw. In the mornings I have to hit the door opener button from the house, and run outside to help it up. And it creaks and groans...but so far I've been lucky. I'm waiting for the morning when I can call into work and say....I'm sorry boss, my truck is being held hostage in my garage, by electronics.

** Ice Fog...When I went to work this morning I could not see a thing in front of me. The exhaust from all the other vehicles created a haze which blinded me. When it gets this cold, there is no wind... and all the emissions from the vehicles stay where they are...right in front of you if you are following another car..

**When Gord got to the shop this morning he was going crazy. One of the tenants furnaces had gone out, his nieces car would not go into reverse..... blahhh blahh blahh...poor guy. this weather he had to get up on the roof of our building to unthaw the chimney with a propane torch to get the tenant some heat. Then later he had to go and figure out the problems with the nieces car. No wonder they call him Gordy .. Good Guy. Lord, he takes on way to much.

**We are caretaking our neighbours house next door while they languish in Palm Springs. As of yesterday, their garage door has also been frozen shut. This was our point of entry with their alarms system so we can't get in there house either. Their daughter just dropped off a key so now we can at least check to see if their furnace is working etc. gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwddamit.

Remember in October? When I said I was looking forward to winter. Fucking kill me. How stupid can I be? Nobody deserves this crap. And the weatherman says we will be in this cold snap for another week!!

I used to make fun of the "snow birds" that moved to warmer climates in the winter..but ya's looking a little tempting.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Suspect at large! Missing in action.

We have been missing someone in our blogging community for over two weeks, and I was getting a little concerned. She said her computer was "down"...but I see a more sinister plot unfolding.

Was it the beans that did her in?

We all know how she likes to "map" things here are all the "Bean" growing regions in North America. So, I beg of you who live in these regions to look closely at her picture. Please call Blogger Authorities if you see her.

She will be likely wearing a schleppy backpack. These are just an artists rendering of what they may look like, but I think the shoes are original.

She is prone to headaches, thus her sometimes unusual behaviour and colour,.. as I said before do not approach her unless you are certain she is not PM..essing.

This individual also suffers from Transit anxiety. Any loud noise or rude remark could set her off. So, it is suggested that you approach her with care.

If you do spot her on public transit, she will likely be sporting a "map." DO NOT, take the map away from her, I repeat, DO NOT TAKE THE MAP AWAY FROM HER..because mapping and napping are very important to this dangerous individual.

Yet, another map at her bus stop. These maps keep her in touch with reality, so again, leave her the hell alone.

When you see her exiting the bus, give her a wide berth, because she is carrying her schleppy with a dozen beer in it, plus a wide variety of perishible goods she just purchased at Safeway... Do not try to touch it. Even if you smell cheese.

This would be a critical time not to approach the suspect, because after a hard day at work, she is looking forward to taking off all her clothes and hitting her comfy couch.

Over the last two months, she has been spotted with this slimeball. He may be holding her captive and making her watch his lame movie over and over again, until he has her brain washed. OR...making "R" rated beastiality movies. So, again ...steer clear if you see a donkey near her apartment. You know the one,'s just up the hill from the bus stop.

If you see her on a Sunday, doing world wide crosswords in a little cafe, "just across the border"... (sing with me) do not approach...because this is some serious shit, and even if Borat kidnapped her (make that middleagednapped) her..crosswords come first, napping comes second.

She could be hiding in a phone booth near you. We all know her aversion to cell phones. She has been profiled by Blogger, and the last results pointed to a phone booth.

But, at the end of it all, she is just a girl, a girl waiting for a bus. One day she will hop on the right one.

Love ya Kat.... Come out..come out from wherever you are?...

PS...she will be back next weekend ..'god willing and the creek don't rise'


Friday, February 02, 2007

Justa quicky

My plan for tonight was to do a blog about Special K, because she can't see me and doesn't have her computer running. I had me some fun plans I tells you for that sitting duck.

But, I think she heard my vibes, and made my evening blog time go to shit. Did you know she has special K powers?

But... the weather is supposed to be 40 below again tomorrow, and I'm not going nowhere...and I will have plenty of time to fine tune it tomorrow.