Friday, February 26, 2010

My Living Will

Last night Gord and I were sitting in the
living room and I said to him, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

"If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

He got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. He's such a bastard.

Hippy Chick sent this to me and I just changed the names. She knows me! Too funny.

I will probably put it on facebook too....I'm still laughing.

Another week closer to retirement. Two more months and the world will be my oyster. I better not say that out loud, because then shit will happen. I just touched wood, to offset that remark.

I set a balloon free today. On Sunday when we went to Gord's nieces "sweet 16" birthday party I forgot to give her the helium BDay balloon I had in the back of the truck. That piece of shit has been bobbing around in the back for about a week, and I couldn't see out the back window. So, this afternoon when I came home for lunch I decided to set it free. It was pretty obvious when I let it go that it didn't want to go out in the cold and liked it in the back of my truck. Mind you, I never fed it or anything. And we weren't on a first name basis or anything. But I think balloon was happy in the back of my truck.

I thought I was doing it a favour by letting it fly free. But it hung back, and then flew up to the top of our house, took a turn to the left and headed for our neighbours house. It danced around for a bit, and then a small shift in the wind took it right into their huge evergreen tree. There she sits now...nine feet up tangled in the evergreens. We are house sitting our neighbours house for the winter. I don't know how I will explain this when they get home. have a very shiny Happy Birthday balloon sitting in your tree....some asshole must have let it go. We have no idea who did it....and by the way we didn't mean to over water all your plants. Love Joan.

Most of our neighbours have gone to warmer climates in February. I can tell they all have timers on their lights every night. Like that would fool a burglar. Stupid.

I bought a food processor today. Yes, just one more thing I can't fit in my cupboards. I'm sick and tired of chopping and slicing and dicing my veggies...and we eat a lot of them. I have fine line of time to do it at supper because I shit Sherlock...

It was on sale. It might go the way of the rice steamer, and the crock pot. I hope not. The rice steamer only cost me 10.00 so I can give that up to stupidness...the crock pot..maybe 30.00 bucks. What I find with the crock pot ( I may have said this before) but I hate the smell of supper living in the house all day. By the time I eat it, I have smelled it for 14 fucking hours...and I no like. I like to smell my food only..maybe only two hours before we eat it...other than that....I am not longer interested. I'm funny like that.

I bought a set of Puppy Stairs for Penny today. She has been so good lately and has been able to hoist her huge ass on the couch and chairs without help. But I thought I would buy this PUPPY STAIR STEPPER for the bedroom where I have a make shift set of stairs made of cushions from an old love seat we once had. When I introduced her to it.....She gave me the ...WTF look, it was soooo small ... she went around it and jumped on the bed. I think those stairs were made for a miniature domesticated frog. So, I guess that goes back to the store.

Gord just got home, time to have PIZZA....

balonie...over and out and making her way back.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

My little man

That damn family newletter always kicks my ass. I already got a compaint that I messed something up. I was cutting and pasting emails and pictures into blogger and I must have cut one entry a leeeeetle to short. But, it's done. Next year I will not have a problem because I will be unemployed and have nothing better to do. Providing I still have a brain. Any bets?

I hope they know it has cut into my Olymipic TV watchingness. Don't groan.

Tonight it's figure skating and I will be right on it. But I still have an obligation to post some crap on here.

I stealing shit from the newsletter, this my cousins kid......

No wonder he made into preschool. He's a player.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I can't talk to you now

I'm doing the famdamly newsletter...and blogger is kicking my ass. Who knew they would send so many pictures?


Friday, February 19, 2010

Dumb and Dumber

I went with Gord for the assessment training session. In the letter they sent us they strongly suggested that he bring the "complainent" along. That would be me. The "snorehearer." He doesn't really snore that loud, but when I hear him in the mornings I can tell he doesn't breath between snores at times. So, this was the concern.

I sleep like the dead between 11:00 PM and 4:00 AM, so he could be gasping for breath between those hours. Anyway, we went to this training session where he would wear a whole bunch of computer equipment on his face, neck and chest for the night to see why he choses not to breath. Personally I think he just is sick and tired of sleeping next to me. I just don't think he's into me anymore...but thanks for the diamond at Christmas pal.

Our appointment was at 11:00 AM and when we got there the waiting room was full of people...and I'm feaking out...WTF, they were so specific that we be there 15 minutes early to do some paperwork and we would be attended to pronto. What I didn't realize is that we all had to go in as a group for the training session.

I was pissed off. But once Gord came back from some measuring assessment he told me all these people were part of our group. Well, okay then...I put my gun back in my purse.

We had to wait about 13.5 minutes after that, yes, I was timing it. While we were waiting I was looking at all the ugly crap he might have to wear on his head to sleep with. It's not attractive. Big hoses everywhere. This could be another set back in our love life.

...Honey, do you want to do it? ummmmm not with you elephant man. "Which hose are you using tonight?

So, anyway as I was sitting in the waiting room, I assessed all the people in our group. I didn't stare at them. I just glanced at them; and formed a opinion about them. It made the time go faster.

Guy #1: Looked very very tired. He looked like a construction worker, I wanted to give him a hug. He had bags under his eyes and looked a little grey. He seemed to need a little oxygen.

Guy #2: Well dressed executive....playing around with the blackberry. I didn't want to judge him right away, so I put him on hold.

Girl #3: An older Aborginal woman with her husband (she was the only one who brought a spouse other than Gord). She looked very nervous and had her hand on her husbands knee, patting it as if to either comfort him or herself.

Guy # 4 and Girl #5 were there because their assessments from the day before "were off the wall" and they needed attention right away. Scary.

So we went through the training session. And when we got home, we tried to remember some of it. You know the part when they ask you ..."do you have any questions?" WE SAID NO, WE ARE NOT STUPID?

So, when Gord went to bed that night and we set up all the equipment ..we found we were stupid. Does that surprise you? I think not.

It's a good thing I am computer savvy ...sort we got the monitor and all it devices set up. Except for one. The finger oxygen sensor was not working, and the machine kept yelling at us. Finally at 11:45 PM we figured it out. He had put it on backwards.

And you know, I woke up at 4:00 PM as usual and he wasn't even snoring, nor loosing a breath. I heard him snorting a bit at 6:00Am but nothing like he used to do.

THIS IS GOING TO BITE ME IN THE ASS ..if he doesn't have sleep apnea. I made him go to the clinic. Better safe than sorry I guess.

We will get the results in about two weeks.

balonie...making low fat egg rolls with sweet and sour sauce for supper.

Any bets it them now.

Excuse me while I take the 3,000 ellipses from the post... opps just did it again. I can't help myself.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

We are off to the sleep clinic tomorrow

For Gord's assessment.

They are going to give us a machine for a home sleep study on Thursday night.

I think I might have to take myself and the dog to the spare bedroom for that. Because the dog likes to lick his pillow. And wakes him up in the wee hours of the morning. Personally I would never lick his pillow. I would rather lick my own ass if I could reach it.

So, that's something to look forward to.

Balonie.....trying to reach her goals.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Air Wickedness

Can stink you out of your home.

This might be a long and somewhat disjointed post, because I think I am suffering from Air Wickedness.

It all started on Friday night. Some time ago I bought one of those plug in Air Wick Fresheners for our home. I plugged it in to an outlet by our front door. An hour later, I smelled this horrible odor in the house. Supposedly it was to smell like Lavender and Chamomile, but it ended up smelling like a dirty turd. Fragrant yes.. but you just couldn't put your head around the smell. And it was making my eyes water. So, at that time I unplugged it. I set on the table by the door and left it. UNTIL Friday night.

When Gord got home and after we had dinner and were watching the Olympics...I said to him, doesn't it smell strong in here? He agreed. I went downstairs to the front door where it seemed to be coming from and couldn't find anything wrong.

I have a normal air freshener upstairs, and thought maybe it took a dive and was making the house smell. So, I took it outside and thew it in the snow. That was the end of it because we were just going to bed.

On Saturday morning....the house was wreaking of Air Wick Lavender and Chamomile. What the hell? I thought I thew it out? Then I noticed that the container I had left on the the front door table was overturned. Gord must have thrown his keys down ... or something and overturned it. It had leaked on my lovely bamboo table....under the lamp....on to the a place mat underneath it. IT STANK. I was getting a headache. So......

I grabbed the offending Air Wick container and put it upright. No more leaking I thought. Wrong. Wrong Wrong. I brought it into the kitchen, thinking I would throw it in the garbage. But before that I put it down on the counter, beside the phone, then I picked it up again, and put it on the other side of the counter....BECAUSE I HAVE NO BRAINS.. then apparently from the all the smell, I must have walked 3,000 miles around the house with this MF'r in my hands. Then I threw it in the inside garbage can which was a big mistake and that started to smell..lordyloveaduck it stank. By this time my hands, my pants, and everything I touched smelled like air freshener. I finally took it outside and threw in the garbage bin.

THE SMELL IN THE HOUSE WOULD NOT GO AWAY. It followed me around. I finally took a shower to get it off of me. But, nay even after the shower the house wreaked of cheap air freshener.

I had to throw out the front table where it spilled, I nearly had to throw our phone because I had it laying on the counter (it was out of it's base) but we have two and I interchanged them because there was no way you could answer the phone with STANK. And I had to air out a bunch of forms I had laying on the counter to send in. Like who would want to smell that when they opened the envelopes at the other end... Sonofabitch I was mad. In every room I went to there it was... I guess even after I threw it away before my shower I stunk. It is surprising how many things you touch in your house in a period of ...maybe 5 minutes. I almost forgot I had to throw out my lamp that sat on the front table...that crap leaked underneath it too.

Today I was doing some paperwork for the business, and wouldn't you know...I must have waltzed into the office too. WTF

Let this be a life lesson. Let air smell like air....even during the winter months when you can't open the windows.

Balonie.... even after 60 you can still keep on learning. OR...just maybe you might be ready for the ummmm "home."

Thursday, February 11, 2010

On building a new house

We just got our first quote.

Then as Gord and I passed around the brown paper bags to breath in..

We decided we didn't really need a roof. Perhaps a tarp.

Windows are for sissies.

The front porch I have always dreamed about.... might be porch less. Just a door.

I am leaning towards dirt floors....because all that hardwood flooring pricing is making me cringe.

Do we really need trusses? They are expensive! who knew? But they actually hold up the house, so I have no problem with that if we really need it.

The quote was...way over the top...but we have two more to go. It's going to be a fucking bumpy ride my friends.

I will take you along for the ride...because I'm sure I will be pissing my pampers all the way through it.

Stay tuned.

balonie.... checking for her blood pressure. ohhhhh..that doesn't look good.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I'm seriously late in posting

You know how it is in the middle of fricking winter. We just cleaned up after yet another storm that came this weekend. I no like. I am giving the big guy upstairs a "what the heck are trying to do to us look."

I broke my kitchen broom trying to get all the snow off my truck on Monday. Just as well, I hate sweeping the floors. From now on I'm letting the dog search for crumbs on the kitchen floor and she can clean it up. My own swiffer sniffer girl. She loves pieces of old macaroni or the odd peas or corn that have slipped down to the floor. My doggie vacuum.

So yeah, it's cold and it is annoying. I'm looking forward to this weekend... the winter Olympics (which will be held in BC Canada this year). I love the opening ceremonies and that will be Friday night. THEN..we get a long weekend to boot. I see a lot of sleep in my future. Much needed because....

Gord is going to a sleep clinic next week. He snores and forgets to breath. It's unfortunate that I sleep like the dead until about 4:00 AM ... he could be doing this all night long....but then I hear it later ..with him snoring..... and I wait.... then I jiggle the water bed...and he starts breathing again. Sometime I don't jiggle, I just wait...and finally he draws a breath. It's scary. I know it's sleep Apnea. So we are going to fix this next week.

He gets so mad at me for kicking him in the balls...or just gently kicking his legs to wake him up and try to turn him over. It starts in the early morning and goes on until I have to get up. I am a tired balonie. So we get the sleep testing machine next Thursday. In home. Which is good.

I will sleep in the downstairs bedroom with the zombies. So I don't disturb him. I am not fond of that bed. It has a mattress.... and I am not used to a mattress.... I need me a waterbed. But I can overcome it for one night. I will have to take the dog down there with me, because she has a weak bladder and wakes him up all the time for pee pee at 3:00 AM. When I am snoring.

Anyone out there that knows about Sleep Apnea......what should I ask the the consultants when we go in?

Sunday, February 07, 2010


Attract the squirrels..

This is my friend Meryl the Squirrel. A fluffy grey squirrel. We have a relationship. He's kinda shy, but he is a warrior when the little red squirrels that try to steal his peanuts. He waits for me every day on the highest bough of the tree. He thinks he is hiding, but I know where he is because he make little noises and his feet start moving which bring snow down to the deck.

Swerving Merv I call him sometimes ....he can dash so fast it makes your head spin.

Then he watches me from the door, eating his loot.

Sometimes the grey squirrels and the little red one's duke it out. The red one's are so noisy and chatter chatter....the big grey guys are silent and just go about their business and try to out manoeuvre them.

We have lumpy type stucco walls on the siding of our house....and when a real fight between the squirrel Mafia gets heated ... the chase begins... they run up and down the side of the house. It looks really cool when you see a squirrel running up a wall of your house. Just hanging there! All for a peanut.

Maybe I should do that to Gord....if you want supper ... or a peanut...or something else? climb some walls. You need to lose a few inches.... let's see you climb the stucco. Make mamma proud.

That's all I got. Time to go and eat a chicken. Not squirrel ... can't catch that bastard.

balonie .... a squirrels best friend.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Collecting feces from a different species

Yes, just collecting my thoughts on a Friday night.

It's really hard typing with one hand, because Penny knows it's the weekend too. Pat..pat.. pat..the dog. I should have named her Pat.

I think I will let my inner meme flow, because it's February and there ain't a lot going on.

What is your name: Joanie Balonie

What is your real name: I SAID Joanie Balonie!..okay it's Joanie Balonie full of macaroni...are you happy now meme? jeez.

Do you shave your legs in winter: Yes I do. I live in a very cold climate and every morning I go outside and rub my legs up on very sharp crusty snowbanks. It's my way of saving the planet, so I don't have to use those BIC throw away shavers. I like doing my part. Mind you, this has cost our health care system a few bucks for all the times I come in to the ER with freezer burn. "Come see come saw."

What are you making for supper: Hello, it's not Pizza, I fooled you again...suckers! I am making a recipe I found today on one of my fav web sites "Mennonite Girls Can Cook" and it's not even Mennonite. I love it when they change the recipes up to different foods like Jewish food. It just proves we are good people. We can get along. I have had a long time distaste for bagels. I found them tough, hard to digest and I don't understand a hole in the middle of bread unless it's a doughnut. So tonite I made some baked sandwiches for supper. We have not tried them out yet....but they are waiting until Gord gets back.

3 Bagels cut in half..that makes 6...3 halves for each case you are drunk.

Put them in a cookie sheet. not take the cookie sheet out from the other muffin tins in the cupboard, then they will all tumble down and scare the dog. Man it was loud.

Clatter clatter... oops. Dog goes into hiding.

Okay then....put the bagels on the cookie sheet after you have cleaned it up... It was at this point that I had forgotten how they made the bagels...because I was at work when I read the recipe... and decided to make it my own. This is usually my down fall. I think I will remember it....

So, what I could remember from the recipe was.... put cream cheese on each sliced bagel,then topped it off with a slice of deli smoked ham and a slice of smoked turkey. Then I thinly sliced some green pepper and put that on top. After that I reheated some already cooked bacon...and
let it cool. Placed that on top...sliced some tomatoes....and topped that off with some mozz.. cheese.

Meme: Balonie, you are the bomb. I like the way you handle the cooking. We need more people like you.

Balonie: One hour tasted like ASS again! I am never trying new recipes for Friday night. We ended up eating toasted rye bread with cheese whiz..... our comfort food. Bagels taste like butt. Whe like whole grain bread and sometimes fluffy white bread...with a crispty crust. up a big batch of nothing.

Monday, February 01, 2010

I broke my old template

I started to blog about it and hit publish by mistake. So, if stuff comes up crazy you know why. I also took off the snow effect...sometimes it bugs some computers. I'm pretty well over snow anyway.

I did break my template, but I have to admit I was farting around with the code. I just can't keep my mitts out of the code. heh. So I went back to Pyzam they are user friendly and a little tweaking never breaks the template.

Back to work Monday.....3 months to retirement! I will have to get a counter gadget to count the days down until then. That sort of freaks me out because I will might be jinxing myself.

Well ladies ...unless JimBob is still in the loop....I finally made a Sunday supper that did not taste like ass. I go through these periods when I just don't know what the hell to make for supper, during the week or weekends. Sometimes I go to the store after work and try to find something that interests me. This usually happens this time of year when it's so cold and you get sick of winter comfort food.

I didn't make anything spectacular, it was only Lasagna. But this time I didn't make it calorie wise. I went full bore. It was real Italian Lasagna with lots of cottage cheese, mozz cheese, a rich beef filling with mushrooms and onions and tomato sauce. Topped off with a Caesar salad and garlic toast. It was good. It hit the spot. Sometimes you just need to break the rules and have a meal where you don't worry about the fat. We had leftovers for lunch. We broke the rules twice, someone spank us.

Gord just got home and found a flyer in our mail box. YOGA PILATE'S CLASSES IN YOUR AREA. Hey... I looked at it because that could be a thing I might want to do after I retire. Providing my bones will only do the things they are used to: like walking, sitting, and running up and down the stairs slowly.

After reading the flyer Yoga might be a little more than I can handle. I don't see Yoga in my future.

They have: Zumba with Stephanie, Bosu Box with Craig, Yin Yoga with Aly and Power Yoga with Dana.Vinyasa Flow with Wendy. Then, Mind over Matter with Debbie, or HEY here we beginner with Sam or Sari. I'm wondering if Sam or Sari could contort my legs into a yoga position before I get a cramp and scream so loud that they might consider giving me my money back. Last AND least Cardio Kickbox with Melissa. Ahhh Melissa I so don't want to kick your box, so I think I will do you a favour and bow out of this class.

Okay, this night is not going as planned. I wanted to make more fun of Yoga, I made a small attempt.

Gord came home while I was writing my post, and decided to go for short nap until supper was ready. THE DOG...who likes to "herd" people out of the bed has been watching me and waiting for me to say...."Gord..time for supper" She cannot wait to jump in the bed and get him out! She is so funny. She has been in and out of the bedroom for about 20 minutes waiting for me to say the magic words. I just went into there and she is sitting on the floor on his side of the bed.....waiting. Looking at me....all she needs to get ballistic is for me to say "Gord time for supper"and the roof will raise a few feet.

Then I burned my fingers getting my baked sliced up taters out of the stove. I used a towel instead of oven mitts. My life is sucking big donkey balls. Now we shall eat.

Break time....I'm going to make the dog crazy and make dinner. With large band aids on my burned fingers.

Much later

I'm back. Supper was pretty good. Breaded chicken breasts, oven roasted taters with carrots and peas.

When I told Gord to get up, all hell broke loose. I told Penny "it's time for supper" she jumped on the bed "barking" and got behind him and started nudging him out of the bed. She means business when she is in herding mode. "Move along you lazy ass." heh. In the morning when I am ready to get up, I tell her "time to get up." ... and she jumps off the bed barking her face off and herds me into the bathroom. We are her sheep. She loves to work.

Back to Yoga. There was another class I forgot to tell you about I might be interested in "beginner yoga mat sitting." Yep, first I will have to learn to sit on it...then maybe they can take my long langy frame and try to twist it to suit the flow, the bosu, the zumba, the vinyasa, the boot camp kickbox, the yin, the mind over matter and the Hatha. I don't even know what language I am speaking anymore. I think they have me brain washed. Don't let them sign me

balonie...I'm beggin you.