Tuesday, November 29, 2005

It's been a hectic weekend

On Friday when I posted my desire to entertain the internet with the follies of Zelda and Peter, I totally forgot my duty to family. I publish the family newsletter once a year. I be the keeper of the family records and shit. Sunday was the deadline. I have been harassing them for their contribution (family dirt) along with pictures for my newsletter. By Sunday afternoon I only had replies from 10 out of 15. So, I sent off a "terse" email asking them to get off their asses and get it to me or I would send it out without their stuff. Holy Moly....Auntie balonies has some clout.... Apologies abounded, dirt and pictures were sent. Fudge, this thing takes me forever to do, all I ask is that all the material is there when I start!! After all I am the Editor and Chief of the Schroeder Newsletter. I demand respect.

So, on Sunday afternoon it began...Usually I just type it up in Word and send it as an attachment. BUT, I had a balonie brain wave...why not make a family blog? That way when stuff happens in the family I can just add it on, and they can go to the blog and read it. So, this meant I had to make a new blog. I didn't want it attached to my blog...god forbid they see the shit I write. So, I got me a new Gmail address and started a brand new one. It's been over a year since I made one up, so I was diddling and dawdling and sweating and a sweating making up this new blog. TA-DA...all done. But, now I was much wiser than I was when I first made my blog, I wanted to put all the "pretties" on the side bar and stuff, so they would think I was SMART. I could see them looking at each other in awe..sayin.."how did she do that?" I had the reindeer with the all the blinkies on his antlers and such, blazing on the sidebar. I knew the animation would catch their attention and make me look even smarter...

So, I started this whole thing at 2:30 in the afternoon, and got finished at 12:30 that night......sigh. It was a long mother...editing...re-editing, taking out my swear words...adding more...lordyluvarelative.

Actually, I love doing it, but when it comes down to the crunch, and I have to put it together in one day, it gets a little overwhelming. I give them a month's notice and just save their emails for later. I never start it until I have them all, because I can't do it beforehand; I guess I like the pressure, it works better for me.

Yesteday I had to damage control. Some cousins didn't have a computer at home and were not allowed anything but email at work, no internet access. Could I send it as a email attachment? For Gord's Sake people...get a life you people, buy a computer already!! But I did my duty to the family and worked around it. I just copied the blog entry and put it in Word. I hope it worked. I did a test and sent it to myself and it seemed to work. But for some friggin reason it landed up in my SPAM folder. That alone took me over an hour to figure out. Fuck. Then one of my cousins sent me an email saying he had given me his daughters email address, but he hadn't seen her contribution in the newsletter. I emailed him back telling him I had sent it to her but she had not responded. Apparently, she had just moved to Calgary changed her email address...bloody hell. So..I sent her an invitation to make an entry in the newsletter, and she responded today, so I will have to notify everyone again that we have a new entry. Family...ya gotta luv em. I have to go back to the site today to see how much spam is in the comments section..Yesterday some asshole left a whole bunch of crap. I will have to put the controls on.

So, that's my explanation why Zelda and Peter didn't get it on Friday night.

Zelda had other stuff on her mind. Peter wanted to play, but after supper he was all petered out. Just like that. Thank the lord, so was Zelda. I like to call him Pierre when he isn't so tired, yanno French stuff and all..and he calls me ..well nothing..he was asleep. Thar we go. But I will regale you with stories that will make your hair stand on end, of what we used to do in front of the fireplace on a Friday night. It involved animals, wood, fire, and a sheep skin rug... with Willie Nelson singing softly in the background. Those were the days my friend. Okay, the dogs were only watching. JUST KIDDING..

I'm being a bad ass...so what!


Friday, November 25, 2005

Coming up Sunday

The life of Zelda Rotten Crotch and Peter P. Penis. (with a disclaimer that their lives in no way resemble ours). Nope. No way at all.

Gotta go...Peter just came home...I hope he keeps it in his pants.

Where did I get this dirty mouth? I must be Friday.

balonie is leaving the interent.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Penny's new winter coat

Mommmmm...help me I don't like this..I do not.

Your not going to get that back part over my ass!!

I look like a wiener ... and would you quit with the camera already.

Sooo, how am I supposed to take dump??

I am soooo out of here.

I'm not moving an inch, unless you actually take me outside..and where the heck is me ball?

Now yer talking...lets blow this pop stand.........

After we came in from play time out in the back 40, I fed her and started up on the computer, and sort of forgot about her, because she goes down into the living room and lays down on her bed for a bit in front of the window. I just heard a thumping noise and went to see what was the matter, and here she still had her coat on, and had one paw out of the "paw hole" and had everyting all twisted up. I don't know how she got up the stairs "lordy." Poor Penny, jeez, she will never let me put that on her again!!

Wait until Christmas, she has to wear the Santa Hat again... If she ever runs away, I will know why. I don't know what the problem is, I have never crossed dressed her.

I might put her in ballerina dresses and pimp her out. After all, some Christmas cash would be helpful.

On a side note, don't be laughing at my kitchen flooring choice, I was drunk when I chose it. It looks like a whole bunch of 'old boys' dropped their cigars on the floor. When we first put it in I saw only one tiny swatch of it and thought it looked like marble, and said, hey cool, lets do that. Unfortantely, I have made so many poor choices in my life on the spur of the moment, and this was just yet another. On the upside, if I ever drop my cigarette on the floor, no one will be the wiser.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


I had a Seinfeld day today. I was all about nothing.
I mean nothing.
I'm hungry for Turkey.

It's all youse Merican's fault.
It's all over the TV, the radio...everywhere I turn.

I want to jump into a large bowl of mashed potatoes nekid.
Yes, you heard me right. And make sure they don't have any lumps, cause I like it smooth.

I want to eat a turkey drumstick as big as the one Fred Flintstone would have had, although his might have been called a brontasoreassstick. But I wanna it...right frickin now!!

I want hominy and grits ( I think) , I want sweet pataters, I want beans and peas I have never heard of before.

I want to to fill up a hot tub with gravy, with a loaf of French bread, and die with a smile on my face.

I want to dive into a piece of punkin pie face first. Leave huge skid marks in the whipped cream and come out the other end looking like I was skiing in the alps.

I don't want any cornbread..you can keep that stuff because I is corny enough..y'know.

What can I wash that all down with? Nothing wrong with a little shot of home brew, just like pappy used to make.

You can keep the cranberries ...who the hell invented them? They are equivalent to my blog tonight, Nothing. And they taste...like..nothing. I have watched them many a time sitting a nice china dish, with their "rings" showing fresh out of the can. I don't care if you make them yourself, they taste like shit unless you put 1,000 different things in them. And that goes for sweet potatoes, who would eat them, if you didn't make them into a veggie dessert..no one.

It's all about the butta, the cream, da suga...yes it is. And thank
you God. She is a sweet meal she is.

To all my American friends, have a wonderful Thanksgiving:)

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


That incident yesterday left me somewhat scared. My blogsite was open to everyone to see and destroy. I will however, take some precautions as Andie suggested, thanks again sweetie. It reminds of years ago when you had indelible ink, which could not be erased, but it was written on paper, so you burn the crap.. That's not gonna happen on the internet.

I did find a site that I really enjoyed. I laughed my ass off. I just checked my ass and it's pretty well gone, thank you lord. Wasn't good for much other than sitting in front to the computer anyway!! Or taking the odd crap.


I hope you enjoy her sense of humour, I certainly do. Just a tidbit from her last post to get you going:

Some people need to find religion or take up a craft instead of filling up their lives with pointless human contact.

That was 5 minutes of my life I could have spent pinching my nipples. I'll never get that back.

Too, damn funny..but you had to read the rest of it. Oh my!!

My funny bone has been lacking lately, I am trying to find it, but somehow my timing is all wrong, and my laugh track is off kilter..my head is sort of leaning to the left too...help..I'm hilter skilter. I hope I don't kill anyone. Stop me. It all happened when I started playing with the cursor thingie on Brenda's site....I AM HOOKED ON FOLLOWING THOSE LEAVES GOING..ROUND AND ROUND. For god's sake, make it stop! Some people are hooked on drugs...I am hooked on cursor craziness...and after about 5 minutes I was so spaced out I start doing the hokey-pokey..

You put your nose in,
You put your nose out;
You put your nose in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your backside in,
You put your backside out;
You put your backside in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

Somehow, this song, just seems WRONG. But, if we have another snowstorm and Gord and I don't have much to do, we might try a few of these moves. If you don't hear from me for awhile, call 911 because we might have got all tangled up and we can't get up. We are old. We might have got the pokey part mixed up with something else. Someone could loose an eye for god's sake.


Monday, November 21, 2005

Monday..you know what I mean.

I have put the Uncle Frank post on HOLD. I was going to include a shit load of pictures from the past, but my scanner thinks otherwise. I have a large streak going through the middle of the pic's. Either there is some dirt in there, or it is possessed. The later would be my guess. I will save it in word, and do it another time.

I had a very boring boring day. My boss is out of town, and I didn't have a damn thing to do. Well, that is not entirely accurate, I had stuff to do that could be put off, and I did. Whilst I was whiling my time away, I went into blogger and kept clicking the "next blog" feature. I have not done this, "forever". There is some wierd shit out there. Out of about 50 blogs I read today, I only saved 1 in my fav's. Every now and again there is a gem I have discovered. I was really getting hooked on this stuff, I even tried reading German, Spanish and Swedish blogs. Okay, I look at the pictures and tried to figured out what was going on. I really need a life for god's sake. I found one that had a pic of a bald guy with his face down on his desk, and had a face painted on his head...toooooo funny, I saved it at work. You had to be there...LOL..I'm still laughing.

But then the laughter stopped. I clicked into the "next blog"...and guess what came up?...my blog DASHBOARD. I kid you not. Now, how in the hell can that happen, anyone could have come and changed anything in my blog!! I wasn't even in my blog when I was doing this, I was in google blogs, and I had not put in a password or anything. vewwwwy strange. No wonder some blogs can be highjacked. I guess I might have to report this to Mr. Google, I am sure he has 3 trillion blogs to contend with, I am sure he's not too worried about my little piece of the pie. hmmm.

So, off to make some BQ'd chicken breasts, with wild rice and veggies...and hit the hay.... hay hay zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

I'm in the middle

Of putting together of story about my uncle Frank's life..Luigi Passqale as he was known...he was a man of many faces. I might take me a day or two.

Here's anothe pic I like.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Just some more blabbering

I lovvvvves this one to pieces.

I just got in from playing in the backyard with Penny. Well actually I was playing all by my little self. The weather has turned into snowman making temps. It's all sticky and stuff. I started making a snowman, but my creative juices kept telling me, "balonie"...is that all you got? I always hate it when balonie starts talking to me, she makes me do stuff I wouldn't normally do. You see, balonie is only about 20 years old and has no concept of how old her other personality (Joan) is.

Anyway balonie made me make a snowman, then she changed it into a dogman, then finally it turned out to be a polar bear. I likes the way the young ones think, nuttin written in stone, you can change your mind at the drop of a hat. The polar bear is tooooo cute. I didn't have any crap out there for decorations, so I put twigs in his arms and coated them with sticky snow, and made hims the cutest ever ears!! There was still a lot of stray leaves in the snow, so I make him some eyes and a button nose. This took a long time. Penny was constantly getting me to throw the ball in the deep snow so she could "seek"...her fav thing to do.

So, all and all, a good time was had by all, balonie, Joan and Pennykins.

It was too dark to take a pic, but I will do that tomorrow.

I love winter even if I bitch about it. BTW, an interesting thing happened this afternoon when I came back to work after lunch. The temp has warmed up considerably in the morning, and all the snow, that was on top of my big honking, horking van was getting jiggly..yes it was doing a little dance up there, I could feel it as I was driving. I must have been 2-3 foot high on top...which I couldn't reach when I tried taking off the snow.

I went over a set of railway tracks, that were ice rutted and mean...and I heard a rumble on top of old smoky...but nothing happened, then I turned the corner to get to my office, and lordy I heard somemore shifting going on!..just when I pulled into my parking space it all fell down the side of the van,....into my open side window!! Fertheloveofmike....yes, I was smoking and had the window open. It was like an avalanche. I thought it would go down the back of the van to some unsuspecting motorist, I never thought it would come down the side. But it is obvious when you look at the roof line ..where it will mostly likely land. I musta been driving in "balonie" mode.

It's Pizza night, and we might even build a fire, now that the snow has come ...under who's ass I don't know..it's never dull around here. Things change in a heartbeat.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

On to other things

I'm sick of talking about the weather, jeez, you would think I am an old geezer already.

I'm gearing up for the Hollydays!! I used to have the worlds biggest Christmas graphic collection in thee world. I may have pilfered a trillion of them from any unsuspecting web-site...UNTIL..they got smart and put the old ..how you say..."stop it moron, we're on to you, and you can't copy this pic.". Okay then. I get it! But, I was still smiling, because I had my stash, and what could they do to me? UNTIL.. two weeks, count them, two weeks before Christmas when my user friendly HP bit the dust. Cheeseandcrackersgotallmuddy!!!..I had obviously forgotten the term "back-up" as in computer back-up. I was pretty good at backing-up the big horking-honking van, I used to get my back-up when Gord pissed me off, and sometimes I even got my back-up off the couch. So, this meant I wouldn't be able to make my Christmas Cards. I cried like a baby. I searched through a 1000 CD's, hoping and praying, that maybe, just maybe,I accidentally made a back-up. NOPE..nuttin nadda. I had to send out "store bought cards" ewwwww they didn't even say, "from our house to yours, with your own personalized name on it." (jest kidding) I thought I could make the cards at work, but it didn't happen.

Two weeks after Christmas, I found a CD at work that said ..."Joan's xmas stuff from home"..(I know how to name a CD) well low and behold, there they were, not all trillion of them, but a good portion. So, that is what I am left with this year. So, to make this very long story shorter, I am going to post my favourite Christmas graphic with each post starting with this one.

Don't look so skeptical. You will be moved. Or ask me to move my blog. Something will happen. Probably my computer will bite it again...don't say that!!

Don't go away, I have another surprise...

If anyone of you blogger friends want to send me your address, in strict confidence, I will send you one of my famous Christmas Cards at no charge. I don't even take Play Pal. And if you don't, I will certainly understand. The internet can be evil. I can sent via email...and I shall, because everyone has been so nice to me since I started blogging shortly after Christmas this year.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Gettin over it

I'm getting over the frickin snow already. It's here, I have taken my maiden voyage, and it's all good. Even the tires the size a redwood tree stump have not deterred my driving ability. Now, don't be going and asking the other drivers on the road, there might be a differing opinion yaknow. But, as of now, I just don't give a ding dang shitaroo..

My dog has turned out to be a weenie dog... no more play time in the back yard. Well shit, there is only 3 to 4 foot drifts back there, what's yer problem? I threw the ball out there after work, she ran for it, and stuck her snout in every available hole that it might have fallen into, and came back in ..lifting her tiny paws in coldness. I let her in. She sat inside at the patio door and whined and whined....so.. I had to put my big industrial sized winter boots on and try to find a little teeenie ball that had fallen into a snowdrift. Her favorite ball. This was a catastrophic event. I had eyeballed it when I threw it, but once I got down into the yard, the parameters had changed. I was a might confused. She was right behind me, sticking her nose in every hole. Finally, I climbed back up on to the deck,(seven stairs) and looked it over again, and found the hole in the snow where it had gone down. So, I made a mental note of it's whereabouts. BUT, when I got down the stairs I must have had a stroke, with all the heavy boots and climbing of stairs ..up an down...(as SK would say)...clump, clump.. and my mental note of where it had disappeared into the cold dark night was a goner. Penny was devastated, devastated I say. We climbed back up to the deck, and I put her in the house because she was doing the "paw shaking bit"... Again I ventured down the stairs with my industrial sized boots ...that were probably 3 inches longer than the snow covered stair step. That meant I had to go down the stairs sideways in order not to topple over on me head. But, being a PRO at this from year to year, I managed. I found the f*ng ball. I triumphantly brought it back in, and she totally ignored it.


It's all about the dog. Well, I don't think so. Next time you want it thrown out the door, and iffn you don't find it...stay out there until you DO. TOUGH DOGGIE LOVE...I'm all about that. And she better not look at me with those huge brown eyes, and pretend she's cold and shit.

I'll be back in minute...she can't find her ball.

Thanks for playing

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

It was worse than expected

I woke up this morning to a winter wonderland. Fairys were dancing on the lawn, and giving me "high fives". Little tiny snow fairys, beckoning me to join them in their winter dance. I shooed them away, and told them that balonie was tired and old, and didn't want to do the winter dance anymore. They told me, that once I stopped dancing with them, I might stop dancing forever..... okay then..."just one more I said, but make it slow dance because I got my big winter boots on, and I don't want to step on your fairy feets". So, we danced. It was magical.

Until I saw my big honking..horking van

I surveyed the damage, and it seemed to me that the fairys had taken a very large dump on my van...very large. Sure, they suck you in with the magical stuff and dump on you later.

There was no way in hell I was going to get that big pig out of the snow drifts this morning...none. So, I awoke Sleeping Beauty aka Gord, and said there is no way I can drive the pig to work! He, rolled over a few times, and went..wha wha..who..wa.. "I SAID. I can't take the van to work, it's totally snowed in". A few more hmmmm..waaa..ensued.. Finally he said, "well, take the Bronco (which was in the garage) and I will take the van".

Two minutes later......after he saw all the snow, he said...noooooooooo...I need the Bronco for the SNOWBLADE. Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I introduce the SNOWBLADE. Gord's best friend. When I first started my blog last December, I gave Gord a name..and called him "Plowboy." The blade attaches to the Bronco. It pushes snow. Gord loves snowblade more than life. As I am writing this, he has cleaned out 569 driveways. But not ours. Nope, the van is still sitting there, stuck like a pig. He drove me to work this morning and picked me up, and has ever since been plowing things. I have no idea where he is right now.

Plowboy is back on the road again. What is wrong with my life?

Here are a few more fairy pics from this morning.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Anyone want a snowjob?

The weather out there is delightful...blah blah...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Winter is upon us, now it's just me and the big horking van doing suicide missions going to work every d a m n day!

We have an empty office space for rent in the same complex I work in, I'm thinking of asking Gord if we can set up house keeping there for the winter instead of renting it out. All I would have to do in the morning is roll over a snowbank and land at my work's front door. Sound's like a plan to me.

I know, it's always the first snowfall that gits you all stressed out, but Winnipeg drivers are from a different planet, and have no idea what ice means for the first 4 days after a snowfall. (make that 987 days).. no idea at all....none.

I'm getting just a little tired of teaching em lessons too. You don't really want to run into me, no you don't.

#1. I have huge STEEL bumpers..you have iddy biddy pieces of recycled plasic on yours, that crumble when a fly hits it.
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#2. When I'm driving, I'm looking down at you little ants scurring around in your plastic cars ... I'm waiting...yup..just waiting.. I am your worst enemy.

#3. If I am watching TV while I am driving, don't try to cut in front of me, because I WILL TAKE YOU OUT! "All My Children" comes on at 12:00 PM as I am leaving work to come home for lunch. I don't like any interuptions.

#4. Don't play any of that loud music while you are beside me. I can't see your puny little car, and I might just make a sudden lane change to stop the noise.

#5. You might note the size of the tires on my big horking van. They are the width of a very old redwood tree, therefore I have little or no chance of stopping on ice at any given time. Give me a wide berth. This picture is where he had the old tires and rims on it. Gord has since then tried to kill me off with realllllly wide ones. I don't get it. He doesn't want to drive the van, but ...oh I get it ...he really wants to bump me off..okay then.
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#6. If you don't see me at the wheel at all, assume that I have either: dropped my cigarette, am looking for loose change, or adjusting my unmentionables. Dam those thongs..

#7. If you are an observant driver, you will notice that I keep a close schedule. If you prefer not to be on the road at the same time as me, please adjust yours.

There, now I have all the rules of the road established! (mopping my sweaty brow).

.....but shit...I still have to go out there tomorrow and make it happen.


Sunday, November 13, 2005

Mr. Clean Hangover

I was wondering why my breath felt so fresh after lunch yesterday. That some kinda high. I didn't even have to go down and my hands and knees to wash the kitchen floor, I just spit on it, and wiped. Clean as a whistle. No muss...no fuss... or is it, my way or the highway, or is it, don't bite the hand that feeds you...or maybe take this job and shove it. It's all relevant. Or not. The trouble with drinking Mr. Clean, you become addicted after the first bottle. Just like crack. I'm craving a liter of it right now. I'm feeling just a smidge jittery...or do I just want to jitterbug...I don't know. Mr. Clean has taken hold for my brain...

The worst part, is your compulsion to clean just about anything. Penny is spotless. And she smells very nice. It brings the Stepford wife in one. I added an ounce to my nightly glass of wine, very refreshing. Here is my first wine review on the subject.

Rather yellow in color; the first time around the nose seemed fine, with modest pear fruit, and in the mouth there was plenty of acid to balance the fruit. The second time around, after I had tasted everything else, some flaws emerged. There is a hint of caramel in the nose, and also in the taste, suggesting that this is past maturity and on the downhill slope. But is wipes up good.

I may have added to much Mr. Clean. I will make a note of that in my wine journal.
I'm feeling very tidy.

The only side effect I can detect, is that when I urinate, there seems to be some soap action happening. But, let's not let that be a negative factor, after all, when we can clean the toilet and urinate at the same time, the obvious benefit is ....It's a time saver... and I am all about that.


Saturday, November 12, 2005

What's wrong with this picture?

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I was half asleep around lunch time when I made my sammich. After I finished it I looked on the counter and saw THIS! Gawd I hope I didn't put any Mr. Clean in it.

Friday, November 11, 2005


I have somewhat of a controlling nature, I like order, and basically I like everything done the way I want it to be done. My way or the highway. Unfortunately Gord has that same gene.

Today was the day Gord and I would spend the day together raking the back 40, and preparing for winter. Normally on any given day, we spend about three to four hours in each others presence. Now hold on. That's not a bad thing, because if it would be any longer, I would self destruct and so would he. It's not that we don't lurves each other, we just get on each other nerves if it gets longer. I'm good with it, and so is he.

I was dreading today, I was hoping like hell it would snow, so we didn't have to go through this annual ritual once again. When I woke this morning Mr. Sun was all over the place, and the temperature was at an all time high.


We only started after 11:00 PM after the Remembrance Day services on TV. That is something we always do together, and is very important to us and the veterans who gave us our freedom. I didn't even loose my poppy this year.

After that, it was interesting.

As I was raking I was thinking about my blog and thought about a setting rules that should be instituted for raping, oops raking the lawn with our personalities.

1.) Why, when we have 3 rakes, do we need a leaf blower? It takes a hundred time longer to get all the leaves out of all the corners with the blower...and it stinks like gas. And I am not even going to mention the noise. I was surprised our neighbor's didn't stone him. I really am.

2.) When putting leaves in the garbage bag, and you smell dog shit, see dog shit, why would you smell your hands? It's probable that you have some dog shit on your hands, and now you have some up you nose, after you HAD to smell it. Gord caught me smelling my hands, and asked if I had got "any on me"....I said yes, and wiped my hands on his jacket.

3.) I had an interesting experience with a twig. It was a pretty long twig, and I was trying to push it down into the garbage bag, when it sprung back at me, and went right up my nose. Right to the back. It felt like a medical experiment that had gone wrong. That's probably what if feels like in the hospital when they push all those tubes up your nose. Fortunately for me, this was organic. Yes it was. Fresh from the tree. I fear not any infections, it's like stuffing tofu up you nose, it's was a totally natural experience.

4.) Bend smart. While raking 5678 tons of leaves, one must take care to bend smart. Use you lower torso, to bring up your legs in a timely and smart fashion to deposit old smelly leaves in the bag. I followed the rules. I bent, and I actually got up a few times. I win. I actually think I am a few inches shorter after we were done. Some of my bones may collapsed in all the fun.

5.) When your spouse decides to "shake" the apple tree to remove all the old apples..(after you have told him not too, because you are saving them for the migrating Robins in spring.... and he gets beaned on the head with most of them...don't laugh...suddenly nothing is funny anymore!!

6.) Admit to making an error. Okay, when I put my pond in this summer, I made some bad choices. #1. it is way to small for the large area it is in. #2. I shouldn't have put all those bark chips around it. Now, that the leaves have fallen it's a mess, and no way to get them out. Not even Leif the Lucky, our Swedish leaf blower could get them out of there. I wore a little egg on my face, because I was pretty adament all summer that it would work out. But, it does look like shit. Well, I guess I will go to plan "B" next spring.

7.) Make a plan the day before to have enough garbage bags on hand. As we were coming down the home stretch we had one bag left. Phewww... and I put it over my head.

We actually had a good time gibitzing and making fun of each other all afternoon. The best part was playing with Penny, as soon as we raked a pile of leaves she was in it like a dirty shirt, and messed it all up. She's all tuckered out now, and so is balonie... time for a good stiff drink, and some pizza, and a nice warm waterbed to soothe the tuckered out old bones. Then get up tomorrow, and giver shit again.... I like life.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Yesterday and today.

So, here we are again. A long weekend coming up. I get to sleep in tomorrow morning. Lord, I can't wait. I had a late night last night. I came home, got supper ready and put it on hold, because Gord had to stop in on his way home to check out a neighbor's freezer. I was just blogging away, and forgot about the time, until I realized it was 8:30...well jeepers, he was supposed to be here at 8:00 at the latest. I called the shop..no answer..I called his cell, and it was turned off. Oh, shit, here goes, what in the hell happened NOW!

I kept on calling for about 20 minutes, without any luck and decided to call his brother, because they ususally meet up after work. When I called him he said he was supposed to meet Gord, but another buddy in the next shop told him he was in the hospital. WTF! Apparently he got bit by a dog. Well for shits sake. I couldn't wait to hear this story Gawwwd, and why the fuck didn't he phone me?? I finally reached the emergency room at the Victoria Hospital, and asked it they had a dog there that was bitten by some man. Yes, they did. I said is the dog's name Gordon. Yes it was. I asked to if I could speak to the dog, he said, sure. When the dog finally got to the phone, I asked him what had happened?...he woofed...and indicated that a guy slipped off his leash and ran out in the road and a motorist ran over him. He, being a kind dog, decided to lift the injured human into a car, and the guy bit him on his paw. He said he couldn't believe it, he thought a man was a dog's best friend, and the guy bit him. I asked him if his paw was okay. Apparently the guy bit right through his fingernail..so it was painful, and he wasn't sure if this guy had his rabies shots, therefore decided to go to the hospital. I told him it was obvious to me why he was not getting good service at the hospital....he should have gone to the vet.

Okay, enough of that:) He spent 4 hours in emerg. just to look at his finger...and the arse didn't call me. He said he kept thinking he would be the next one in ...yadda yadda. So, to make this stupid story shorter, he got his finger bandaged, tetanus shot done (I was hoping they would poked him in his ass, but no, they did it in his arm). Nothing ever goes my way. He got home at 10:30 PM and supper had shriveled up to a prune. I served it on two slices of bread, and called it a night. I hope he wasn't too cold sleeping out in the dog house last night.

We don't know how the dog fared, but the lady that ran over him took him to the vets as soon as Gord got him in her car. The owners were there and went with her. So, hopefully the little critter will be okay. Gord thinks he was just stunned and scared and that's why he bit him.

Brenda sent me something yesterday I think you should see. I never realized she had such high regard for me. I am geferfuzzled by this. I didn't think the "mericans" knew I existed, and held me in such high regard. I guess it pays to wait for good things to happen to royal peeps. From now on, all of youse guys might just want to call me "your royal hindness"....huh? It think it's a good fit. God Save the Queen. And now, Brenda is my new best friend.

Just a note, I had defaced the pic, by drawing in a moustache, just so it would be more in my likeness you see, but I removed it, I don't need all the press.

Queen Balonie

Monday, November 07, 2005

This might come in handy over the holidays

I found this free glitter-maker on the net.

It takes a minute to show up. It wouldn't fit on my side bar, it pushed everything down. I wonder if I could get a bigger side bar or is it a standard size? Too bad the background isn't transparent, it would look better. I know, it's free, I'll quit my bitchin.

HOLD ON THAR BABALOUIE I just saw it again, and it decided to go some place else..it dropped to the bottom like a ROCK... that's what yee gits for nuttin honey.

I am right into it today, looking for Xmas crap to put on my side bar, I found this ahem "gem" but I might have to do somemore lookin.

I have decided TODAY...that I will have real Christmas Tree in my house this year. It will smell wonderful, and not look perfect, because I will get one that looks like the one we used to have at home. I will struggle with the stinking tree stand, I don't care. It's time I did it the old way. I have been on ebay looking for the old time "lead tinsel"......there is a lot of it out there. Today's tinsel doesn't fall like the old tinsel. It just doesn't drape on the tree like it used to, and flys off when you walk past it....lands on your ass, and yer wearing it as you walk out the door. NO..I want the old time stuff, it hangs low and heavey, sparkles, and will not kill children unless they eat it.... I always marvel at people who are so paranoid about removing old lead paint off their walls. Do, children actually eat paint off walls and window sills? Mind you, if they were smart as a cat, they wouldn't. My cat ate tinsel off the tree every year...and I pulled out the back of her ass. She always had a "suprised" look on her face when I tugged it out..

I am sure my old plastic tree, will just breath a sigh of relief, knowing he will get a year off. Hee...not so, my ole lazy plastic tree, you are going outside on the deck to delight my neighbours with your brillant display of lights. It won't be so warm and cozy as it was beside the fireplace.

Just a warning about lead.

Lead is not for everyone.. don't drink it. And don't lick the paper after you have written your grandmother a letter with a pencil. That is my message for tonight. God Bless.


http://www.GlitterMaker.com/ - Free Glitter Graphics

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Gord and his toys

You may, or may not remember a post I put up in spring, about Gord's spring ritual where he gets all our winter gear retired and starts up the summer gear. Well, today it was time to retire the summer gear. He had already retired the riding lawnmower and his old bike a few weeks ago, but wait...we have many many more things to retire for the season. The garage is packed.

Every frickin fall, he has to totally take the garage apart, bit by bit and clean it up. Every liTTle thing...and every liTTle thing..and yet another liTTle thing, until you want to go to heaven for just a few minutes and come back as a skunk, and forage for your food. I'ts that bad.

The annual fall garage bake off ritual starts off like this:

We sit at the kitchen table reading the newspaper and having coffee (we take two different dailys, so there is a lot to read), I speed read, he reads like a 4th grader. Therefore I am in need of reading material before he has finished his, which he is totally hogging. I drum my fingers on the table. He suggests I read the "flyers" that come with the paper on the weekends, I suggest he take a long walk off a short pier. He suggests I do, "you know what." I didn't do that because I just wasn't in the mood. I very much wanted the "Home," section in the Free Press, which he was ever so slowly reading, and this was seriously getting on my nerves. So, I got up threw out the rest of the coffee, because he can't read without his coffee. I'm a mean bitch.

By this time he is totally sick of me and my childish behavior, and got out the door to do his fall ritual. First, he brought out the old stinkin Lincoln, and parked it in the driveway, then the new motorcyle, and then the trailer, the snow blade,..I swear to God the entire driveway was taken up with our vehicles plus all this shit....and he has them all running at the same time...just like he did in spring, but fortunately some of them were already in hiberation. I swear to "the big guy upstairs"...he blew a hole through the ozone layer, so big that it will be snowing in California tomorrow.

shit you not.

As he was puttering around, he had this brain wave...because we have a little water coming into the garage during spring run off, he decided to take 12, yes, count them, 12 old patio blocks we had stored by our fence and drag them into the garage to keep the water off some of his stored prized possessions. Shit, a little water trickles in, not big deal, as far as I am concerned....but NO...he has to put these huge 100 lb. patio blocks in the friggin garage. Another altercation ensued. He won, after I was screaming at the top of my lungs in the front street, WHAT THE FUCK ARE DOING, YOU ARE NOT TWENTY YEARS OLD ANYMORE MR.! ...Lordyme. I don't know how much longer I can keep him alive. I would make a lousy widow. I don't even like taking cruises in the Caribbean.

So, after he altered the ozone layer..Forever. He had to park the Lincoln and his bike, and his snow blade, and his trailer back in the garage. Feng shui. You know, everything in it's place. He has to feel the love of his gas guzzlers in there!

Finally he went away. Back to the shop, probably to create more havoc....

So, now the only thing I have to look forward to is winter...god bless winter. The cold, driving on ice...but I'm looking forward the Christmas, if only to make some silly little animated xmas pic's on the right side of my bloc to drive you crazzzzy..yes crazzzzy I say.

Off, to enjoy my Sunday night pot roast, with spuds, mushroom gravy and green beans. I might even throw in a nice buttered roll, if he is a nice guy tonight..Balonie isn't all that tough and stuff.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Smelly stuff

It's Friday night, phewww it's been a long bugger of a week. I thought it would never ever end. But here it is, I have taken the dog for a walk, chosen the pizza I will order when Gord comes home later on, and can sit and enjoy some peace and quite without anyone making a ruckus around here.

Okay, then.

Now that I have the floor, I am tongue tied. In my head at work, I had yarns to tell on my blog tonight, and whilst I sit here none come to mind. I yearn for my yarns. All my sticky notes are at work. I was chuckling under my breath all day at the cleaver stuff I was going to write. Where did it go? It's still on my desk, and I hope my boss doesn't find it. Some of it was ..ummm a little over the top.

Well, there was one subject I wanted to touch on. When I was reading Ms. Brenda's blog this afternoon, she was talking about smelly farts, and how she got grossed out by it while shopping. Someone had let a really rotten one go!! My subject was going to be SMELL.

Smell, be it farts, perfume, dog breath, changes of the season, etc. have such a strong reaction in our brains. Either we go ewwwww or ahhhhh. We remember good times and bad, with a smell. I was reminded of this when I went to Altona last Saturday. I had the window open (because I was smoking) shhhh... and smelled something funny (no I was not smoking weed)..It was the Altona smell, which I had long forgotten. Altona has a sunflower processing plant that has been there since I was born, and when they go into production, you can always smell it. It's not a bad smell, it smells like your breath after you eat sunflower seeds. Although a little more potent. I immediately went back to my youth when that smell hit my senses. I remembered the plant, and my neighbor's who worked there. The plant had a horn, that blew at 12 o'clock sharp everyday, and everyone in town knew it was dinner time.

If I smell sauerkraut, I am overwhelmed..my mom used to make sauerkraut borsht, (which I hated) ... we had to eat for days and days...until we turned sour. It never ended. She always said, it tastes better the next day..and the next day, forthelovofacabbage...how much longer will this taste good? Stop it. But money was tight and soup went a long way I guess. I didn't mind cabbage borsht, but not the sour crap. Yeah, I know, "balonie, you didn't live through the great depression, and you have got it so good now". I heard it a million times. I was never so happy as when the last of THAT pot of soup was goneso.

I love the smell of patchouli....I could live in that smell. That was in my hippy dippy era. I want to wear it right now. I want to feel like I did then, carefree and cool. When I smell it now, I just want to smoke a joint, crank up Janis Joplin, Santana, Jimmy Hendrix, Joe Cocker etc...and party. But, I grew up..phooey..

I love the smell of cigars and pipe smoke. My grandpa used to have the odd cigar, and smoked a pipe that smelled like apples. When I smell someone smoking a pipe or cigars, I will always think of him.

When I smell any perfume made by Estee Lauder...I want to puke and have a headache immediately. I don't know why. It makes my brain hurt.

I love the smell of dill. It reminds me of the days when my mom used to can pickles.

The smell after a thunderstorm, is awesome. It smells like earth, or dirt, or dirty earth...you know what I mean.

Farts are not generally a good thing, unless they are your own.

Roast beef cooking on a late Sunday afternoon. Very good for the soul.

New baby smell. They always smell so clean, and like baby powder.

New car smell. Very intoxicating, it makes you feel rich!

The smell of a new computer, just coming out of the box, is to die for. Caressing for the first time is also a rush.

Coffee perking in the morning while you are still in bed, smells luscious.

Wiping dog poo off your shoes and getting some on your hands, is not a savory smell, but it is a smell you will remember.

Burning stubble off the fields at dusk makes me think of home. It also makes me cough.

Diesel fuel. Always reminds me of our boat that sunk 768 times. That smell scares me.

The smell of bacon, and fried farmer sausage make my mouth water.

I have come to the conclusion, our noses are very important, so I guess I will keep mine.

I hope I don't receive a Nobel prize for this very intuitive blog entry, I would be embarrassed. Shucks!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Two of my favourite things..

My Pennykins just loves leaves. She cannot wait for me to throw the ball in a pile of them and hide it. She even sleeps in them if you let her, but she comes out all full of whatyoumightsay..buggy. If you enbiggin...you can see part of her tail sticking out behind her.

My nephew sent me my favorite thing to do today...WORD PLAY, it's so funny.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy~nilly (adj.): impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by Proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n): a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish~isms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

What is your favorite?...I'm leaning to #15 & 16 ...and ummm #7 for sure, and then #4, but I luv em all!!

Nevermind, I just read # 9 again HA!