Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I need to live longer than my life

ahhh....those were the days..My mom (centre)and her sisters.

This weekend I was trying to get some of my Mom's photo albums scanned. The plan was to do some digital scrapbooking. I make such unrealistic plans for the two days off I have a week. But, I am pumped on Friday, enthused, and probably have a little more wine than I need. Wine is always necessary, but sometimes everything you want to achieve in a lifetime looks doable in two days. Well, why not then plan to, phone some friends and make unrealistic lunch dates, better yet, while your photos are scanning, go into excel and start make a spreadsheet of all the recipes for the cookbook you want to publish..this weekend! After that go into Quicken and start doing the bookkeeping for Gord's business you have sluffed off for a whole year. Then try to find a site that will html a sound "wav" you want to play on your blog.

Friday, you are such a bitch, and you screw with my head.

The reality is:

Friday: Work all day (but am excited because I can sleep in Sat. morning)and make unrealistic plans in my head all day for upcoming the weekend. Write a short blog, have pizza, drinks and then Friday wrap up discussions with Gord. Disagree with most of what he has to say. Sleep.

Saturday: Sleep in wayyyyyy too long. Get up shower, and get the coffee going. Read not one, but two weekend newspapers. Try to amuse the dog. Turn on HGTV, while I start to putter around the house cleaning up a weeks worth of filth. Clean the stove, clean the microwave, clean the bathroom, sweep and vacuum the whole friggin house, change the water in the fish tank, and dust all the tables etc. with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. Sneak in my office and try to do a little computer stuff, dog catches me..It's over, back to amusing the dog, and then back to catching cobwebs. Well, low and behold, it's 4:00 PM on Saturday afternoon, and I'm getting behind in my Friday night unrealistic goals. Guilt beseeches my soul. Time for some wine. Just kidding. I crack another coke. Now it's time for some grocery shopping for the weekend. And head out to Safeway, to do my shopping and also pick up whatever is needed for AA hour that night.

AA hour turns into AA two hours..I'm tired when they all leave. Planned supper seems like way to much trouble. Make a sandwich. Watch a little TV, have some dessert, and turn off my computer. Now, my Saturday is kaput. But optimism still prevails, there is always Sunday!!

Sunday: Get up LATE, have a shower, make coffee, and read not one but two separate newspapers. Try to amuse the dog. The dog is not longer amused. She wants some action. Walk the doggie. Make lunch. Then remember, shit, it's laundry day. Start doing that. Sneak into the office...Do google searches on stuff that isn't important. Loose track of time. Run up and down the stairs with laundry. Start doing Gord's business stuff, but get distracted when the neighbour comes over to chat. Go back to the computer, and seriously try to scan more photos for scrapbooking, and get recipes ready for the cookbook. Then remember that I was supposed to include a family newsletter addition to the last one I published, and email it to 98765 people. Now, the dog is in fits again, because she wants more play time. I go out in the backyard and do it. Hastily. The louder I yell, the better time she thinks she is having. PENNY..GOOD GIRL, GET THE BALL, RUN, RUN. I expend a lot of oxygen, with the least amount of physical effort. It's a win win situation.

It's now 5:00 PM on Sunday. There is still some shit to get up from the dryer to be folded, and supper to be started. The weekend is gone. There is only one bright side, after I get the supper humming in the oven. I take a large glass of wine to my computer, and do my Sunday blog. I love that time.

I just did a preview and this blog is really "blue" isn't it? hmmm.. okay I might just have to tinker with it a bit when I have time.. SK might just be right.

There, that looks better

I had a cleaning lady come in and clean up my blog once and for all. No more farting around with it. shhh (until the next time)

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Odds and ends..mostly ends.

This blog is so hard to read, I will be fixing it up this week, sorry...

I am making cabbage rolls tonight. We like to call it eat, fart,and sleep night. I tried to defart the cabbage a bit before making them, by boiling the cabbage first. But,I knew that wouldn't work. All it did was make them a little too soft, but it will work out in the END. A girl's gotta get her roughage, seeing Gord isn't up to it so much anymore.

Something surprised me today. Some five years ago or so, I was on AOL,(before I got DSL) and frequented a "help" chat room, for new members of AOL. For over a two year period I made some really good friends there, and must admit I was fairly addicted to on-line chatting. This wasn't a girl meet boy kinda room, but it was none the less addicting. I put off many a dog walk and phone calls to my mother to be able to participate in mindless dialogue. AOL shut the help room line down, and started using their own people to do it. So after that most of us lost contact with each other, but it was a special time as we had grown to know each other so well. After that I decided I needed to cut my ties with them and go high speed. I was kind of lonely for awhile, because once you are in chat, it's like having a second family. It took a few months and I got over it by emailing the shit out of anyone I knew, doing family newsletters etc. anything that would keep me electronically connected. I am going on here...get to the point asshole...Okay, today I was trying to put a "wav" file on my blog, and searched high and low, for a provider that would translate it to HTML. I found this place called "Stickam" and they did it for me. See the blog entry below. Okay then, I was going through their site, and I found they had a chat room with video cams. I know, where have I been..living under a rock?" I was instantly hooked on that. I couldn't stop watching about 10 guys and some ladies talking about sweet bugger all. It felt like a voguer. Two of them looked like Viet Nam vets...talking about suicide, and rest were guy chugging way too much coffee, and turning the cam's upside down for our enjoyment. Then they had a ghosting trick, and then some of them showed us how they ate ice-cream and typed at the same time.(errr) Another one wanted to know what they thought women would like best, a shaved head or some hair? Talk about not having a life.

At least with blogging you can have a conversation with yourself, and if someone wants to join in with a comment that is fine. I have to admit, I wanted to get right in there, and start making smart ass comments and such. I could have slayed them and I knew it. But, then I would be back where I was some five years ago. I love blogging so much and I can do it at my own speed, not interacting at the moment...mind you sometimes after I hit publish...I go in and take a peek.

Last night we had and incident. Our waterbed heater went on the fritz. Fritzed, and gefried. Toast. That is not a good thing for two people that can't get in or out of our bed with going..ouch ouch. It was beginning to be cold night. The heater works, but the control is a little wacky. So, I got out of bed in my satin type nightgown, pushed away my night table (which weights 987 lbs.) to get at the control underneath the side of the bed. BTW..I didn't put the bedroom light on, because I like doing hard stuff in the dark. I had my handy dandy flashlight which we keep for emergencies plugged in beside the night table. Gord was mumbling...crank the control to see if the light will come on again!! I cranked and I cranked laying on the floor beside me bed in my cold flimsy but yet sexy satin nightgown. The light would not come back on again. The bed sits about 6-8 inches off the wall, and to my amazement, I saw 987,9000 dog hairs behind the head board. I yelled "Gord"..he jumped up..and said "what"..thinking I had severed my head. I said "there are 987,9000 dog hairs behind the bed!" By this time he was getting a little perturbed with my skills and said, get a plier and crank it with that. Stupid does what stupid says...I got a pair of pliers and started to crank..until I got cranky. Then in a fuss and flurry he got out of bed, yes, the king did. He brushed past my flimsy yet sexy satin nightgown, which held my not so flimsy body...and grabbed the pair of pliers. I tell you, it was a scene out of a horror movie. The next thing I knew he was lying on the floor, with pliers in hand cranking the control..nakkid as a jaybird. He kept on saying, I know it's the control, so he hit the sucker with the flashlight ..really hard, so maybe..just maybe it would start to work. I can still see that picture in my mind today. He said "fuck" about 546 times and came back up, because all that dog hair was in his nose, then he started to sneeze. LOL......he said the "F" it several more times, and got back into bed. You would think I would have just left it there...no, not me. I got every quilt and afghan I could lay me hands on and put it on the bed. I made him get back up again, and put on extra quilts. Around 4:30 AM the control switched on...and it was heaven...so nice and cozy. By the morning we were cold. We were laying under so many blankets, we almost suffocated the dog!! I couldn't even turn over, without a fork lift.

Time for a new heater. And maybe a new dish cloth...you think?

This is way to much fun

Press on the play music button. Turn on your speakers HAAAAA... I love me some Muleskinner Blues.

Get Stickam for Free.

Now I'm off to make a movie. Catch you later.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Penguins and husbands

Everytime I look at my new template, I feel like my bangs are too long, there is something in my eyes. I keep brushing my hair aside, but I still can't get the picture. I guess I will have to do some reworking of it this weekend.

Tonite is the Ladies figure skating championships final, so, I will be brief. Yeah, like that ever happened! I have a dilemma; PBS is having the best of Monty Python..and I only have two eyes, and half a brain, or is that brian..okay..one of you two. I may be channel surfing in my own way. Which, at it's best is so lame.

Joan: Gord where is the remote?
Gord: Huh? is supper ready?
Joan: You already ate.
Gord: I did?
Joan: GORD! Are you sitting on it in our "poor people's version of a Lazy Boy chair?
Gord: zzzzzz
Joan: Fer fucks sake...WHERE IS THE STINKING REMOTE!!
Gord: What.is.your.problem!! ..as he puts his ass up in the air and removes not one but two remotes from it.
Joan: Well, that's more like it!
Gord: Put on Larry King
Joan: I. don't. think. so. Tonight is figure skating and Monty Python.
Gord: I just remembered, can you look up a bill I sent to a customer in 1998? He is still having problems with his fridge.
Joan: I would guess his warranty would be over.
Gord: I know, but I want to see what I put on the bill.
Joan: Do you have an invoice number?
Gord: Ahh no, I just know I did it sometime in July of 1998
Joan: You mean to say, you want me to go down in the basement and look through all of our old files for this one fricking invoice, for a guy who's warranty has long expired?
Gord: Yes
Joan: No
Gord: Well, I guess I will have to do it myself
Joan: Good Luck
Gord: Where are the files?
Joan: You know where they are
Gord: Well, you move everything around in this house and I never know where anything is.
Joan: Umm yeah, like the remote.
Gord: ..Stumbling down the stairs...and after awhile..
Joan: Did you find the file?
Gord: silence
Joan: GORD!
Gord: WHAT?
Joan: Did you find the files? (yelling)
Gord: No
Joan: ..taking a very deep breath.. why not?
Gord: Because I can't find them.
Joan: Okay, Mr. I am coming down. Why are you in the furnace room?
Gord: I thought I would just check the furnace filter when I was down here.
Joan: slumped to to the floor...crawling on bare cement... trying not to kill him..
Gord: So where are the files?
Joan: UP YOUR ASS ...like where the remotes were..you know, your special place.
Gord: Hey, what's your problem.
Joan: I'm going up and watching figure skating, and Monty Python.
Gord: Where did you say the files were?
Joan: Intercourse the penguin!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

So, sit down and relax awhile why don'cha

I'm not one to take off for a winter holiday to the "great hot South".(Canadian play on words..get it.."great white north")..anywho, it's just not my style, nor do I have the funds to do that. That is why it's not my style. Style, very much depends on income. There you go. So, I guess that means if I had the buckeroo's I'd be in KanKoon, Mazdaland,(they make great cars there I'm told), Cameandwent Islands, Puertogefarta, you know, all the great places to leave my measley Canadian buck in.

Nope, folks I'm not falling for that shit two week holiday that costs you 4 grand just to get out of the cold for such a short time. Google did it for me, for sweet dick all. I didn't even have to stock up on Imodium. Thank you Google! you are starting to be my best friend. You even let me put up a background on my blog that is so sweet, you want to throw yourself in the ocean and be taken out with the tide and go to sea, Billy. That is how enticing you are. You are a sly dog. I especially like the Google header yesterday that you aimed at us Canucks, with the curling logo.. Cool. But, now that I think of it, the whole internet didn't see it, because I may have been in Google.ca...?? Anyway, it was a good thing. You tried to get my attention.

If you look...waaaaaaaaaaaay to the left, you just might see "Wilson."

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


I was sick and tired of the winter scape, pass me my drink..you know, the one with the umbrella in it. Thanks! Slurrrrrrrrrrrp! Me oh my, she's a tasty treat. "Oh, waiter, it's just me balonie..yah know, the piss tank....filler up again!"

Yup, I am in a winter funk. Funk the skunk or funk an elephants trunk. Funk it all. I am so tired of it all.

Can you see me on my surf board...way off to the left..keep on looking, I'm Gidget and Moondoggie and I are getting it on.. on his board.

Whooa, I just woke up, bloggin and dreamin don't mix. Nothing worse than an old farts dream.

I like the new look, but those two rocks on the left hand side are bugging me. I will photoshop them out of there when I get a sec.

I just finished watching the women's short program (skating) on TV...wow they were good, especially the girl from the US...excellent.

Well, it's only 11:00PM here, so I'm off to the rink to practise my Hammel Camel.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Calling it a week.

I think this is a redneck Ice Sculpture. Obviously there is a prankster at work. Let's call him Dickhead.

I don't have one bone in my body that doesn't hurt, notta one. I moved the furniture in my office around yesterday and damaged some important parts. Moving the table/desk holding my computer stuff was easy, but I had to move our business desk about 2 feet to the right. That sucker is heavy. I removed the drawers and everything, but still it weighted a ton. I'm finding it hard to sit. My bum muscles somehow became active in the procedure unbeknownst to me at the time, and have now turned in to jelly. The office is looking pretty good now. Next weekend I have to start doing all Gord's bookkeeping for 2005 to get ready for the tax man, and I didn't want to sit is this dark hole. The room is adjacent to our family room and kitchen, but doesn't have a window as such, it only has a cut out overview of our living room below. So I moved the table/desk facing the living room, so I could get more light, and as a bonus I can keep up with what's going on in the neighborhood. But now it will be so distracting I would get sweet bugger all done.

I took Penny for a walk this afternoon, and came across something disturbing. We were walking in the park which is adjacent to a middle school and I found, three pairs of men's black underwear lying in a pile in the snow next to the tennis court. They were just your average "Stanfield" or your "Fruit of the Loom" variety, but they were black. A few feet further on, there was another pair, that was shredded. A lot of people walk there dogs in the park, and perhaps a horny old male decided to mate with the last pair? It was strange. As we walked further, there was a lonely black sock laying in the snow. Now, I was getting a little spooked, and started to look for a body. No body anywhere to be found. Penny sniffed the sock, pissed on it and kept on going. She is good like that. I sure hope the 4 guys who owned those shorts and the one sock, managed to get home without freezing the family jewels!! In the summer I have seen cars parked in the back of the school, and kids are smoking up and drinking back there, but I have never encountered their clothing before! Strange.

I have been working around the house today, and watching as I can, a PBS all day cooking show. My goodness, I am hungry. I think the Olympics should make cooking a sport. They just did a beef short rib recipe, that slow cooked for 12 hours, and served with homemade macaroni and cheese..mannnnnn I want that!! I have so defatted all my recipes and I miss a little grease. I could eat a pig right now. Oh, I will, I am having a pork roast tonight. But it's a lean mean pig.

Oh lord, I need me some grease.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Pizza night! & I may be possessed.

For you weather watchers...it's -30c or something like that. After -30 it doesn't make much difference, it's bloody cold. I got me wooly socks on, and the heat turned up to Florida temps. It's cozier than a ugly bug in a rug in here.

Poor Penny's little legs were all frozen after she did her business earlier this evening. She was sitting at the patio door with one little hoofie hanging in the air, and her butt frozen to the deck. I had just gone to the bathroom before I let her out, and by the time I got back to the door she was a shuddering mess. So, I made her sit pretty before I let her in...jest kidding. I lost her winter sweater, I don't know where I left it. I have looked high and low, and it has disappeared, I wonder what she did with it. Surely it was not me who misplaced it, with my excellent long and short term memory abilities and all. It wouldn't have helped much anyway in this weather, her legs and feet were the culprits. I can't put those asinine dog boots on her either, because she has a set of stairs to go down to the yard, and they just go flying off her feet. She ain't no lady.

New topic:

I may be possessed. Of course you knew this. But this is different. It's my clock on my bedside table. In the last year, I have noticed a disturbing recurrence. I wake up precisely at 11 minutes after the hour. I usually lay on my left hand side which faces my clock. Sometimes I will wake up 3 to 4 time a night (especially if Gord has to take ONE more PISS!!..then blow his nose 1000 times..then read every newspaper we have sitting beside the can)..but that is not really the problem. I will wake up suddenly, and of course the clock is right in my face, and it's 7:11 (that has happened at least 20 times), and now lately it is 4:11, 5:11, and the other night when I went to sleep earlier than usual it was 11:11. It is starting to spook me. It's always 11 minutes after the hour.

It happens two or three times a week at different times. It must be some kind of omen. I don't like it.

On a lighter note: This just in from Calgary on news tonight.

A young child around 4 years old dropped his mothers wedding ring in the toilet and flushed it down. Calgary sewer officials managed to locate it in the nearest sewer outlet to her home. After sifting through...feces, and garbonzo beans they located it, and now it's back on her left hand. The official who was interviewed in the piece said that it was a common occurrence in CALGARY, to have their crews called to fish out items flushed down the drains. The most common item, he said were false teeth, wedding rings were the second most flushed item. He went on to mention, the last time they fished out a set of false teeth, the owner was so grateful, he put them back in his mouth immediately. That is so gross. The lady with the ring must have washed hers down, at least it looked like it, no toilet paper was evident.

Those Calgarians are a hearty bunch. Special K...Leslie..? from now on, keep them teeth in a pickle jar beside your bedsides..fer heavens sake!!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

I did this little quiz last week about my blog and it came up with this:

So, after my rant last night I decided to give it a rest tonight, I was tired. I climbed in my jammies and Gord put on his dog tags and sat very pretty. Handsome devil isn't he.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Warning..I am pissed off..I did me some swearing.

I am still so bucking mad! And I know I have blogged about this before. But today hit a nerve.

I went to Safeway after work to pick up two pork chops for Porky and myself.

I forgot it was Tuesday.

I was in a long line of elderly folk, who had just finished up slopping up all the free coffee and doughnuts they could drink and eat. There baskets were full of nutritious "buy one, get one free"...Ramen noodles. Hey, those guys know a deal when the see it. However, I digress.

A half an hour later, it was my turn. I had my head down, minding my own business and emptying my basket. The cashier started to put mine through, and she glanced up at me and said "are you a senior?"...I was so startled, "I said NO, are you?" You could have heard a pin drop at that checkout counter, she never said a word more to me, until I signed my bill, then she asked me if I needed carry out assistance...WRONG thing to ask me. I didn't make a scene, only because my blood pressure was blowing off the top of my scalp. I don't ever take anyone to task, but I was so stinking mad, I could have slapped her 50 something face. Her excuse was that management requests all cashiers to remind folks that they are entitled to a 10 percent discount on Seniors Tuesday. That is not true, I have been there hundreds of times on a Seniors Tuesday and no one has ever asked except for the one time..way back when. I thought it was not longer an issue, because when I spoke to the management they said it was not their policy, and would deal with it. Fucking arseholes!!

So, maybe I am this new breed of(how I hate this word) Baby Boomers! Don't fucking label me!! I am a person, I am of a certain age, I am no more special than anyone else, I did not fight in any wars, I put my pants on leg at a time just like the rest of you....although I have to hold on to something when I do it....but I have no entitlement coming to me because I'm getting on in years. PLUS..don't judge me and try to pin a age number on me when I come through your MF checkout line. I am perfectly aware that there are many people who are now in their 70's. and in there 80's. that don't give a hairy rats ass what you call them. They love being called seniors, and love the discounts...but I'm not ready to go there yet.

No, not yet. So, thats why I'm mad...I never want to go there. So leave me the hell alone.

If I am being asked if I am a senior, why then was I not asked MORE personal questions, like ... are you gay?.."we have gay discount days here at our store." My reply would have been yes, not only am I gay.. I am gay for for barnyard animals..and or..household pets..what's my discount on now you pricks? Dog food?

Safeway, when I get old, you will be the first to know, so get off my back!

I blew a red light on the way home. I was so freaking mad, and I kept on thinking of what else I could have said, but didn't. It's not that I am not aware of my body changing over the years, because in 5 years I will be a grrrr.(senior)...but why do we have to own a label. I just want to be Joan. It's all mind over matter, you don't ever feel old unless someone treats you like you are old and don't have your wits about you. I won't mind, in years to come if I need a little assistance to do my daily chores, but lets not treat me any different than you would any other person. Nothing is worse than to be pointed out in society and tell us we are different...that goes for the handicapped, those with mental problems, and the gay population who have finally chosen to stand up to all the gay bashers and make their way through this web we call life. I never ever thought I would be labeled, and now I know how it feels. It feels like shit. I am just Joan. Don't call me anything else..maybe balonie, cause she's my best friend.

Damn, it's good thing I sat down for an hour and chilled. I edited stuff...you wouldn't believe the shit I wrote before this.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

It appears that my Valentine thinks he is getting lucky tonight!!...maybe, unless there is Olympic figure skating going on tonite, then he is shit out of luck.

Actually I have been a little gesaddened with the "pairs" skating so far. Are they anorexic? I see these little people with sticks for legs try to do unbelievable stuff, and end up practically killing themselves. It is a sad state of affairs, I say. I don't know if it's just me, but I liked it better when the skaters were more full figured (male and female) and glided with ease through their required elements. There was more passion and artist ability, now everyone is trying to out do the next with crap acrobatics. It takes away from what it is supposed to be.

I remember two skaters about 6-7 years ago? maybe longer..a French couple, I can't remember their names. Now, that was pairs skating at it's finest. Their performance told a story, a tragic one, and I was moved to tears just watching it. It was passionate, well choreographed, their costumes were beautiful. It just all looks like cardboard to me now.

Genough bitching...

My Valentine just came home. No flowers in hand. So, that is that...like a monkey in a hat. I have no idea what that means, but I'm out of here!!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Mundane Monday

There is Penny Loafer, in her new basket. She loves it. Well, sometimes, only when I sit on the ugly chair beside it and rub her belly and stuff. Actually, she is getting a little attached to it. Yesterday I had to bring her supper to her in her new basket. NOT. But, she was expecting it, because she knew I felt guilty about almost crippling her yesterday. She can read me like a book, I swear. So, she ate her Sunday supper off one of my new Corelle plates I had bought on Saturday. Hey, nothing is to good for my girl. Just kidding, I put some chicken and a leeetle bit of gravy in her food dish.

Can't stay long tonite, Gord needs my help in writing a very nasty letter to a customer who has not paid him. And he is going on, and on, and on, and changing it 5687 times...I feel all the blood draining from by body. Someone, get me out of here......HALLPP.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Sunday at the ole homestead

I've had a very productive week-end, by that I mean I have done all me Suzie Homemaker duties, and I am beat. The clothing is all laundered and is DONE. The bedding, and comforters are all washed. The scatter rugs are washed. Everything that was not moving in the house is washed. All the pots and pans I was hiding in the stove over the week, are washed. I can hear an "echo" in our abode.

The morning started out with me giving Gord a haircut, I even clipped a bunch of nose hairs out his nostrils ... and he had some eyebrow hairs that were pointing South, so I clipped them off too. I probably shouldn't have been using a sharp object so early in the day,.. after two cups of strong coffee! But it's really not a problem, he still has one eye that works, but his nose could have used a few stitches, but as a homemaker I have a first aid kit on hand, and I stopped the flow of blood with my handy dandy kit. He wouldn't be advised to "blow" for a few days, but by Tuesday the swelling should go down. Just to make sure I hadn't missed any first aid techniques, I gave him the Heimlich maneuver and then did some CPR. By lunch he was good to go. It was better than sex because I did it my way!! Maybe now he will get his haircut and reputable Salon, and I won't have to butcher his head.

Then it was time to tackle the laundry as I mentioned above. I started the process, and then emptied the dishwasher, put away the dishes, made some lunch, without any enthusiasm because I have been cooking "grease free" lately, and everything tastes like cardboard. We had had "fat free" press board sandwiches for lunch. They were divine. I especially loved the side dish of sliced "on the vine" tomatoes, that were probably grown in Timbucktoo, then shipped green, to my Safeway.. and someone put them under a heat lamp to ripen them. They were chewy. Tomatoes aren't supposed to be chewy. A Eat-More bar is supposed to be chewy not a tomato.

So, after lunch Gord took the Bronco out and started snow clearing, we had a foot or so of the stuff fall this week. I gave him a Tylenol 3 from my Medical Kit, and he thought he could handle the job, even after I damn near killed him. I put some salve on his nose where I extricated the nose hair..and it seemed to work.

Next, I had to walk the DOG. Nothing went right this afternoon, and I mean nothing. I put on her halter, as ususal, before we left..and never thought anymore about it. She bounded out the front door, and away we went to the park. I forgot about the last snowfall, and it was tough going, but we managed. I was so beautiful in the afternoon and I was just walking and walking not paying to much attention to Penny, who always pulls at the leash, because she has more dog pee and shit to sniff. Finally on our last leg to go home, I saw her limping. Yikes, I checked her paw and there wasn't a snow build up in there, which sometimes happens. And off we went again, and she kept on walking on three legs!! I stopped. Checked out the halter, and realized I had but it on backwards!! fortheloveofaleash...well not exactly backwards, but I had forgotten to put her right paw through the halter before I locked in the the part that goes under her belly. So the strap that was usually under her was locked across her two front legs. I was wondering why she wasn't running as fast as ususal!! God. I guess she started limping when she was getting tired of running while being bound up in the front. I is a bad mom.. After I saw this I sat down in a snow bank, and tried to get it off of her, and it was so tight, I had to get the "jaws of life" to get her our of it. I guess at the beginning it was still loose and it tightened up as we were going. I felt so bad.

So I went to WalMart and bought her a doggie bed. She has never had that luxury, but she has now. It's made of Brocade. Like my mom's old drapes and a few bridesmaid gowns I was forced to wear. It's lovely, and Penny took to it right away. I should have never gone to Walmart...never ever...I ended up buying a new Suzie Homemaker Corelle Dish set. Hmmm.. make that two. They were on sale for 25.00 for a set, and I had 50.00 bucks in my hot little hands, because my hippy dippy chick friend bought my old flat screen monitor. Justification, yes. Lets not forget the new pair of jeans, and the old lady sweatshirt with a picture of a cat on it that I bought. Yes...it has a little glitter on it. Nevermind.

Got back home, finished up folding the laundry etc. ....then remembered I had to start a new batch of wine!! I am damn near out. Time was of the essence. Step one of the process is fairly easy, it only takes about 1/2 an hour. I got that done, then realized I had not washed Gord's housecoat. The only thing left unwashed in the house except the dog!! Did that. It's drying as we speak.

After that, I started supper. I bought an anorexic chicken at Safeway Saturday, make that two, for some reason you can't only buy one, you have to buy a pack of two...because no one fed them..for the loveofmike. If you want to buy ONE..they charge you the price of two. Chickenasses they be. So, I froze the other poor soul and we might get a sandwich out of it..I'd like to call her Helen. So when we get to eating Helen hopefully we won't be very hungry. Helen's bro, Brad..who is in the oven right now will serve us well, as I have added (as a homemaker would) some Stove Top Stuffing to the menu (for a filler) plus some spuds, veggies and gravy. Did I miss any food groups? Okay later we will have NO FAT YOGURT, with some strawberries and banana. And wine...oppps ..it could be a food group if you put it in the fruit catergory.

Friday, February 10, 2006

That's where I get it from, I tells ya.

Anniversary style in the 1960's.

My mom and dad celebrated their 25th Anniversary at our house in Altona.

All the relatives from far and wide (Winnipeg) were invited. We even ran out of pull out sofa's to provide accomodations for them and they had to stay in our one and only hotel in town.

I remember thinking "they must be rich." Or how else could they afford to rent a grubby room on top floor of a beer parlour?

Mom and I spent days cooking up huge pot's of "sloppy joes"..to feed the numbers. We must have had 20-30 people in our tiny house that week-end.

We went shopping at the "Dress Shoppe" in downtown Altona, where Mom procured a beautiful two piece turquoise suit. A suit befitting for a bride of 25 years. This was probably only her first trip to the "Dress Shoppe" as a old bride to be, and we had a blast looking for just the right suit. She always used to wear "house dresses", so this was a big deal.

Before all the guests arrived from far and wide, I "set" my mom's hair, for the big shindig. I sat her down at the kitchen table...greased my hands up with dippity do, and set her hair with those big rollers with the picky things in them. And to hold them in place I gored them into her head with those pink plastic picks. She was never "right" after that. I swear. Actually, I always did my mom's hair right from when I was young until she was about 75.

So, then it was time to get out the ..hairdryer.. it was one of those balloon thingie types you put over your head and made you look like ET. You had to stay under it for about an hour on "high"...and if you wanted to talk to someone you had to YELL YOUR BRAINS OUT, because it was really loud. If you had it on medium or low it would take two hours, but it was worth putting it on high to save time, even tho your hair felt like a horse's tail afterward. Time was of the essance, especially on her 25th Wedding Anniversary Day.

By this this time we were all ready for the onslot of guests. Dad bought 2-24's of beer and a bottle of 5 Star whiskey...that was enough for him and mom, (J/K)the guests in those days were expected to bring their own. And they did. Mom didn't drink much at all except beer, she lurved her 2 beers.

There was, Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie Betty, Uncle Frank, my cousins Tony, Linda, and Chris. Auntie Anne, Uncle Oscar, and my cousins Fran and Terry. Auntie Pat and Uncle Jake, and my cousins Timmy and Teddy. (they were from Winnipeg)..then all the neighbours and friends along with me and my bros friends. It was a wild time.

Unbeknownst to us, the family had set up Mom and Dad to take their vows a second time. My uncle Frank who was Italian posed as the pope. He used a pillow from our sofa for his pope hat. And for some reason my Dad saw it befitting to wear my mothers old wig on his head, and my mother had a veil consisting of of tea towel held up by a head band. And the wedding began.

Apparently, when the "pope", asked if there was anyone who was opposed to this marriage they must speak now, or forever hold their peace...someone did..MY GRANDPA..look he has in his hands... a shotgun!! duck.

But, the uncles unarmed him, and told them Mom and Dad were legally married and my brother and I were not a bastards. Then, finally Grandpa sat back down and enjoyed another beverage...or maybe Grandma bagged him and set him out in the backyard. I can't remember.

After all the hoopla, Uncle Frank finally declared them to be married (in a broken Italian and in a made up German accent), and asked the groom to kiss the bride. Shit I almost died..I never saw my my Mom and Dad kiss..yewww!!

And then the dancing was on!! The 2-4's were drank, the 5 star was drank shot by shot, by whoever was in the kitchen at the right time. And much more. My Bro and me stole beers from the cases and set up and little deal in our rooms and sold it to our cousins.. LOL.. We used to take the plastic star from the whiskey bottles and paste them on our foreheads!! HA! Doesn't get any cooler than that.

Damit...I miss those days! I want them back.

That was the torquoise suit we picked out that day. Doesn't she look happy..luv you mom and dad..so much.

oy..this was a hard one the write..sorry of typos and stuff.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Someone stole my soul

I just got back in from playing with the dog.
Somewhere along the line, there has been a role reversal in the Chez Martinez household.
She throws the ball, I get it.
She hides the ball, I get it.
She takes a hammer and hits me on the head, and I get it again.

For some reason I cannot please her. I sit pretty.
I take my shits along the fence line, in order to attact the neighbours attention in spring. I do it all.

I come, when she tell me to.
I eat my kibble without making a mess, and with a smile of my face.
I have even stopped sleeping beside Gord at night, because she finds the middle of the bed to be her domain. And then she gets the 'tickles'...
I don't even bark at night anymore, because I keep my teeth in a glass beside my bedtable.
And if should I bark?
I would sound like a weak "barf, barf" .. and wouldn't wake up a soul.
I am a good humanoid...no crying I do make.

What thanks do I get?
None brother.
I get's shit all.

Call this a dog rant if you must.
Call it a cry for help to all humane societies in the land, and let them know there are two sides to every story!! Do it now people! Some of us are being held hostage in our own homes by our pets. They are stealing our husbands, they are devious critters trying to take over the world as we know it. They would steal our souls if we let them.

To late..Penny wants her supper..gotta go!!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I don't take kindly to rules

Here I am as a cocky little teenager...jest looking for some rules to break. And, I broke way too many in my day.

I'm not in Word again..I'm just tempting the google god's to get me. Hey you .. in there, it's me..balonie...try and wipe this out..come'on lets get it on!!

Nah, I think they will leave me alone for awhile, because they know I can kick ass once they know from whence I came. Oh, oh...did I just make a grammatical error? I have a challenge to you all..fix that sentence, it at all possible. I forgot to put money on it, when the individual I spoke to said I do not use the word whence correctly. I should not put the word "from" in front of it. Actually the whole sentence is pretty awkward, I should have tried to use the word "whence" in another way..let me think. Good King Whencelaslis.

Okay, I'm looking it up..hang one minuta..don't get your gitch tied up in a knot..I is old and it's kinda dark in the puter room....okay then...

whence.."from what place source or cause..like a gift," says my dictionary ...oops, I think she is right whence means "from" and once you put "from" in front of the whence, you have REPEATED YOURSELF!! Yikes!

You see that is why you always trust the youngins and don't back talk them when they know they are right. Damn good thing I didn't put any money up front. You live, and you learn. So sayest Balonie, the allknowest. I jest love breaking all the rules.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Getting my hopes up & then SK phoned

Here I am in blogger again, not in Word. I like to live dangerously. Word makes me feel like I am at work, and I don't like work, so the plan to post in Word will not work. Do you feel the love.

But, should I ever post at work, I would do it in Word, because it would seem like work, and not bother me. I'm getting a little geshaften feeling.

I have to watch the Bachelor tonight....stop...don't stone me! Because tonight they will be showing stuff about WINNIPEG!! Apparently "Sarah" will be entertaining "whats his name" at her parents house right here in our city!! I saw a brief blurb on the news tonight, that was shot in November, with her and whats his name, standing on the banks of the Red River embracing. Now, if you ever lived in this city you would know that the Red River, is just that...reddish grey..and butt ugly. It's a clay based water basin, (which makes it murky all the time), that flows through our city to Lake Winnipeg where that poor sand based water basin tries to filter out all the silt and crap from the river. Get it. Nevermind it isn't important. Anyway, I hope a carp didn't come up and bite them.

So, I am going to watch to see if ..perhaps..just perhaps, I might have been driving pass the "shoot", with me big horking van, and they get a pic of me!! Who knows, I could happen. Nothing is impossible. When I drive, I don't pay much attention to my surroundings because I'm trying to keep the sucker on the road, so maybe I just missed it. Sounds reasonable..I will wait. If you see a big black mean lean driving machine on the screen, while watching the episode, look closely, it could just be me, but it's probably someone else.

It's a small city, and fame does not come easy, so you have to get it while you can. Just like Joplin and Hendrix...oops they are dead..nevermind!!

PS..I just spent an hour or so on the phone with Special K. I missed the entire episode!! DID ANYONE SEE ME ON T.V.? Probably not, because I had Gord sitting and watching it for me and the guy blew the Winnipeg chick off!!! So, what is it with you Hollywood people, us Winnipeg people aren't good enough? oy!! In the words of Special K and Andie Pandie ...suck my balls.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before

I was swinging before it was popular!

For you pun mothers...here is a few of my fav's..then back to regular programming.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look
at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him ... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good).... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Hardee har...

Bet you never thought I could play pool. Well I can. One of the guys at work turned 40 yesterday and his wife invited a bunch of us out for surprise party for him and to play pool and have some eats and a local bar. Run on sentence? It's only going to get worse. Go away if you can speak English..just kidding fortheloveofpocketpool.

Soooo...there were a whole bunch of green tables set up beside on a set of booths, where the drinks and munching were going on. It reminded me very much of the small bars we used to frequent in the US just across the border from where I used to live. But I soon learned most of these people weren't drunk off there faces, they actually wanted to play pool and win! Although I caught of few guys checking out the tattoos of a lady who had her low rise jeans, at low tide. I swear she had them right down to her butt crack. Disgusting. From what I could see, she bent over waaaay lower than she needed to ...to make a shot..wayyy lower.

Then our perky hostess for the night...Birthday boys wife, had us all teamed up and shit. Nobody really wanted to pick me and another girl, because we didn't want to break our nails. What is up with that. Legitimate boycott it seemed to me. Finally, they got us up. They explained ...and not in laymans terms, the rules of 8 ball. I was told to try to hit the striped ball in the hole..or pocket whatever. Like the professional I am, I took the stick from the rack, and rubbed blue chalk all over it. Mistake. Apparently, you are only supposed to rub it's tip. Picky. Then, as I was positioning myself to push my striped ball in a hole 35 feet from me, I gored the waitress, WHO came up behind me unannounced. All she could have done was say..."food and beverages behind you"..I would not have hurt her, or tipped her tray. All I heard after that, was...someone on the intercom..saying "dumbass on table two"...take cover. So, after the lackeys finished cleaning up the mess, it was still my turn. I brought up my stick and started to aim my ball for the hole. No such luck.

Did you know there are rules on how to hold the stick? Yup! You bring it on up and lay your other hand on the table and try to make your thumb and forefinger go in a direction that is not natural. Now, I did not only have to aim it properly, I had to use hand, eye co-ordination. They gave me two chances to do it. I kept on moving my hand on the table as I was shooting, and it didn't go anywhere. Finally, Gord...my dear husband, came to my rescue and held my hand firmly on the table and told me to SHOOT. By jove, the sucker went into the hole!!! "Hole in one", I yelled. The rest of the team cheered!! So everyone played, then it was my turn again. I should have been paying attention, but I thought it was just a time out, and started to eat and drink again. When I heard them yelling for me, I got back in the game. I picked up my stick, looked for a striped ball and a hole it might fit in. I had it all figured out, got into my best pool playing stance and shot the ball into the hole!!! "hole in two", I yelled!! Did you know, you are supposed to shoot a white ball first that hits the striped ball next..and then they do the hokie pokie, and decide if it goes in. Thats what it's all about!! I knew there had to be a catch to this game, it was looking way too easy. When Gord was showing me the ropes the first time I forgot all about hitting white ball before striped. Our team didn't win. Surprised?

But you know, now that I got the hang of this thang, I think I will get me some low rise spandex jeans, and get a tattoo on my ass that says.."hole in one." I gotta work the graphic details of it with my tattoo artist, but I'm thinking something along the line of, well...a pic of Minnesota Fats.

I just remembered of how many references I made of Minnesota Fats yesterday (over and over)...and some of them players were a leetle on the chubby side. God, I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Fuck I'm stupid. I thought I was being cool, by knowing about someone who played with the big sticks.

Just a note: Ms Hippy Chick is out of the hospital and recovering at home. All has gone well and now she has a matching SET. She was so glad to get out of the hospital..did you know they don't even wash you up when you are there? If you can't get to the bathroom alone, you just stay dirty. Unreal.. That's what happens when the government took all the LPN's out of the system and only allowed RN's...that's a story for another day...because I am pissed at the system right now, my brother is going through hell.

Sanuff for tonight.. be well!..if not.. don't live in Canada or the US..maybe Finland?

Friday, February 03, 2006

Let's try this again

Okay, already I’m in Word…is everyone happy.  Not I.  That stinking blogger timed out on me yesterday or something.  It was one of those blogs, that after your finished it you couldn’t wait to post..I was almost giddy, yes giddy with anticipation …now I can’t remember a damn thing I wrote.  Okay a few things.  I liked  Special K’s Internet thingie she found and was going to use it to my advantage, but suddenly it seems  “old hat.”  Old hat, now that is a funny saying…where did that come from?  Sorry, I am easily distracted by Word, who is correcting all my spelling errors as I make them.  Quit it already, I know I am a moron!!  It just asked me if I was a Mormon …nay brother, I is a Mennonite.

Okay lets go:
Ten Top Trivia Tips about Balonie!

Only one child in twenty will be born on the day predicted by balonie.

That is because I don’t want to jinx the little rug rats.. no use predicting the date of birth if you don’t really care.

The porpoise is second to balonie as the most intelligent animal on the planet.

What is the porpoise of this statement?  First comes balonie, then Flipper.

In the 1600s, tobacco was frequently prescribed to treat headaches, bad breath and balonie.

When I was in hospital in 1654 with a malady, a kindly apothecary approached me and suggested I start smoking Players Lite, and then the miracle happened, my headaches disappeared, but unfortunately, my breath still has something to be desired.  There is always the upside and the downside to every situation, but the geezer tried.

The National Heart Foundation recommends eating balonie at least three times a week!

Balonie, for all those of you that are not in the “know”..is a food group.  Not a mainstream group mind you, but a group all on to it own.  Back in 1654 when I was just a kid, we ate balonie at every meal…and never, I say never did we ever have a cavity in our family.  There is nothing better than rendered animal parts to clean out the system.

The risk of being struck by balonie is one occurrence every 9,300 years.

No, no..WRONG!  The risk is very, very high almost everyday when Gord gets home from work.  Later I will use this as an example.

The International Space Station weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as balonie.

Them is fighting words internet, wait till I get on the shuttle …and they say “Houston we have a lift off”….hardee har har…that fucker will be sitting on the ground till the cows come home.

The balonie-fighting market in the Philippines is huge - several thousand balonie-fights take place there every day.

Now, this is a true statement, back in 1654 when I was still taking judo/acting classes, I was being interviewed for the play “Miss Saigon”  in the Philippines and I didn’t get the part. So,  I  felt it necessary to beat the crap out of few of the locals.  I know, it’s on my permanent record, but I’m pretty well over it.

The Asteroid Belt between Mars and Jupiter is made entirely of balonie!

As it should be.  There is nothing like a “belt of balonie”.. better than Jack Daniels!

The state nickname of Iowa is 'The balonie state'.

I’m guessing they didn’t know Balonie was a Canuck.  Just to set the record straight, Balonie is a Province not a State you dip shits.

Britain's Millennium Dome is more than double the size of balonie!

I think they meant that Prince Charles “ears” were bigger than Britain’s Millennium Dome.   My Dome is of normal size of someone who was born in 1654.  
God Save the Queen.

There, now I got that out of my system AGAIN..with some changes from yesterday!!

Speaking of yesterday.  My husband tried to kill me.  Yes, I am not kidding.  I will never ever drive with him again.  We went to visit Ms Hippy Chick in the hospital after her breast reconstructive surgery.  I would have like to go on my own, but my big fucking old fart van/motorhome, would not fit in the parkade of the Health Science Centre.  I had no choice but to drive with him in our old Bronco.  

I don’t know if he gets some delight in seeing me hang on to the “old folks” handlebar on top of the passenger side window, or he is just demented.  The Bronco at the best of times is wobbly.  But with the roads the way they are now, the frost has made huge speed bumps wherever you go, and he does not slow down!  I was tossing and turning, (like the song) all the way to the hospital.  When we got there, I said, never mind the parking lot, take me to the ER!!  Every time I made mention of his excessive speed and total disregard to human life, it seemed to spur him on.  He had the DEVIL in his eyes…and just wanted to scare the balonie to bits.  He says he drives like this everyday,  WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?....well, maybe when you took that “shortcut” to miss the train that was ahead, and then missed the street you were going to turn into, and slammed into the snow bank and damn near put my head through the roof…huh?

He says he drives like this all the time.  Duh!

One a lighter note, I just got back from the can.  I peed, flipped the flipper thing…nothing.. the string thing from the stopper popper broke.  I lifted the stopper popper, and the water from the tank went down.  I now have my journeyman’s license in plumbing.  

I could get used to using Word.  It has saved me many a look in the Merriam-Webster tonight.  I know the words, but the spelling some times eludes even an old timer like me who was born in 16…whatever…now I can spell but my memory has gone to shit.

BTW...Hippy Chick is doing well, we had a bit of a scare when she had to go back in after 6 hours of surgery to straighten out a vein that was crimpted. So far so good. She only has a one time shot at this, if it doesn't work it's all over. And that would be a shame.

Thursday, February 02, 2006