I was swinging before it was popular!
For you pun mothers...here is a few of my fav's..then back to regular programming.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look
at either.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him ... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good).... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Hardee har...
Bet you never thought I could play pool. Well I can. One of the guys at work turned 40 yesterday and his wife invited a bunch of us out for surprise party for him and to play pool and have some eats and a local bar. Run on sentence? It's only going to get worse. Go away if you can speak English..just kidding fortheloveofpocketpool.
Soooo...there were a whole bunch of green tables set up beside on a set of booths, where the drinks and munching were going on. It reminded me very much of the small bars we used to frequent in the US just across the border from where I used to live. But I soon learned most of these people weren't drunk off there faces, they actually wanted to play pool and win! Although I caught of few guys checking out the tattoos of a lady who had her low rise jeans, at low tide. I swear she had them right down to her butt crack. Disgusting. From what I could see, she bent over waaaay lower than she needed to ...to make a shot..wayyy lower.
Then our perky hostess for the night...Birthday boys wife, had us all teamed up and shit. Nobody really wanted to pick me and another girl, because we didn't want to break our nails. What is up with that. Legitimate boycott it seemed to me. Finally, they got us up. They explained ...and not in laymans terms, the rules of 8 ball. I was told to try to hit the striped ball in the hole..or pocket whatever. Like the professional I am, I took the stick from the rack, and rubbed blue chalk all over it. Mistake. Apparently, you are only supposed to rub it's tip. Picky. Then, as I was positioning myself to push my striped ball in a hole 35 feet from me, I gored the waitress, WHO came up behind me unannounced. All she could have done was say..."food and beverages behind you"..I would not have hurt her, or tipped her tray. All I heard after that, was...someone on the intercom..saying "dumbass on table two"...take cover. So, after the lackeys finished cleaning up the mess, it was still my turn. I brought up my stick and started to aim my ball for the hole. No such luck.
Did you know there are rules on how to hold the stick? Yup! You bring it on up and lay your other hand on the table and try to make your thumb and forefinger go in a direction that is not natural. Now, I did not only have to aim it properly, I had to use hand, eye co-ordination. They gave me two chances to do it. I kept on moving my hand on the table as I was shooting, and it didn't go anywhere. Finally, Gord...my dear husband, came to my rescue and held my hand firmly on the table and told me to SHOOT. By jove, the sucker went into the hole!!! "Hole in one", I yelled. The rest of the team cheered!! So everyone played, then it was my turn again. I should have been paying attention, but I thought it was just a time out, and started to eat and drink again. When I heard them yelling for me, I got back in the game. I picked up my stick, looked for a striped ball and a hole it might fit in. I had it all figured out, got into my best pool playing stance and shot the ball into the hole!!! "hole in two", I yelled!! Did you know, you are supposed to shoot a white ball first that hits the striped ball next..and then they do the hokie pokie, and decide if it goes in. Thats what it's all about!! I knew there had to be a catch to this game, it was looking way too easy. When Gord was showing me the ropes the first time I forgot all about hitting white ball before striped. Our team didn't win. Surprised?
But you know, now that I got the hang of this thang, I think I will get me some low rise spandex jeans, and get a tattoo on my ass that says.."hole in one." I gotta work the graphic details of it with my tattoo artist, but I'm thinking something along the line of, well...a pic of Minnesota Fats.
I just remembered of how many references I made of Minnesota Fats yesterday (over and over)...and some of them players were a leetle on the chubby side. God, I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Fuck I'm stupid. I thought I was being cool, by knowing about someone who played with the big sticks.
Just a note: Ms Hippy Chick is out of the hospital and recovering at home. All has gone well and now she has a matching SET. She was so glad to get out of the hospital..did you know they don't even wash you up when you are there? If you can't get to the bathroom alone, you just stay dirty. Unreal.. That's what happens when the government took all the LPN's out of the system and only allowed RN's...that's a story for another day...because I am pissed at the system right now, my brother is going through hell.
Sanuff for tonight.. be well!..if not.. don't live in Canada or the US..maybe Finland?
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