Friday, February 03, 2006

Let's try this again

Okay, already I’m in Word…is everyone happy.  Not I.  That stinking blogger timed out on me yesterday or something.  It was one of those blogs, that after your finished it you couldn’t wait to post..I was almost giddy, yes giddy with anticipation …now I can’t remember a damn thing I wrote.  Okay a few things.  I liked  Special K’s Internet thingie she found and was going to use it to my advantage, but suddenly it seems  “old hat.”  Old hat, now that is a funny saying…where did that come from?  Sorry, I am easily distracted by Word, who is correcting all my spelling errors as I make them.  Quit it already, I know I am a moron!!  It just asked me if I was a Mormon …nay brother, I is a Mennonite.

Okay lets go:
Ten Top Trivia Tips about Balonie!

Only one child in twenty will be born on the day predicted by balonie.

That is because I don’t want to jinx the little rug rats.. no use predicting the date of birth if you don’t really care.

The porpoise is second to balonie as the most intelligent animal on the planet.

What is the porpoise of this statement?  First comes balonie, then Flipper.

In the 1600s, tobacco was frequently prescribed to treat headaches, bad breath and balonie.

When I was in hospital in 1654 with a malady, a kindly apothecary approached me and suggested I start smoking Players Lite, and then the miracle happened, my headaches disappeared, but unfortunately, my breath still has something to be desired.  There is always the upside and the downside to every situation, but the geezer tried.

The National Heart Foundation recommends eating balonie at least three times a week!

Balonie, for all those of you that are not in the “know” a food group.  Not a mainstream group mind you, but a group all on to it own.  Back in 1654 when I was just a kid, we ate balonie at every meal…and never, I say never did we ever have a cavity in our family.  There is nothing better than rendered animal parts to clean out the system.

The risk of being struck by balonie is one occurrence every 9,300 years.

No, no..WRONG!  The risk is very, very high almost everyday when Gord gets home from work.  Later I will use this as an example.

The International Space Station weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as balonie.

Them is fighting words internet, wait till I get on the shuttle …and they say “Houston we have a lift off”….hardee har har…that fucker will be sitting on the ground till the cows come home.

The balonie-fighting market in the Philippines is huge - several thousand balonie-fights take place there every day.

Now, this is a true statement, back in 1654 when I was still taking judo/acting classes, I was being interviewed for the play “Miss Saigon”  in the Philippines and I didn’t get the part. So,  I  felt it necessary to beat the crap out of few of the locals.  I know, it’s on my permanent record, but I’m pretty well over it.

The Asteroid Belt between Mars and Jupiter is made entirely of balonie!

As it should be.  There is nothing like a “belt of balonie”.. better than Jack Daniels!

The state nickname of Iowa is 'The balonie state'.

I’m guessing they didn’t know Balonie was a Canuck.  Just to set the record straight, Balonie is a Province not a State you dip shits.

Britain's Millennium Dome is more than double the size of balonie!

I think they meant that Prince Charles “ears” were bigger than Britain’s Millennium Dome.   My Dome is of normal size of someone who was born in 1654.  
God Save the Queen.

There, now I got that out of my system AGAIN..with some changes from yesterday!!

Speaking of yesterday.  My husband tried to kill me.  Yes, I am not kidding.  I will never ever drive with him again.  We went to visit Ms Hippy Chick in the hospital after her breast reconstructive surgery.  I would have like to go on my own, but my big fucking old fart van/motorhome, would not fit in the parkade of the Health Science Centre.  I had no choice but to drive with him in our old Bronco.  

I don’t know if he gets some delight in seeing me hang on to the “old folks” handlebar on top of the passenger side window, or he is just demented.  The Bronco at the best of times is wobbly.  But with the roads the way they are now, the frost has made huge speed bumps wherever you go, and he does not slow down!  I was tossing and turning, (like the song) all the way to the hospital.  When we got there, I said, never mind the parking lot, take me to the ER!!  Every time I made mention of his excessive speed and total disregard to human life, it seemed to spur him on.  He had the DEVIL in his eyes…and just wanted to scare the balonie to bits.  He says he drives like this everyday,  WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?....well, maybe when you took that “shortcut” to miss the train that was ahead, and then missed the street you were going to turn into, and slammed into the snow bank and damn near put my head through the roof…huh?

He says he drives like this all the time.  Duh!

One a lighter note, I just got back from the can.  I peed, flipped the flipper thing…nothing.. the string thing from the stopper popper broke.  I lifted the stopper popper, and the water from the tank went down.  I now have my journeyman’s license in plumbing.  

I could get used to using Word.  It has saved me many a look in the Merriam-Webster tonight.  I know the words, but the spelling some times eludes even an old timer like me who was born in 16…whatever…now I can spell but my memory has gone to shit.

BTW...Hippy Chick is doing well, we had a bit of a scare when she had to go back in after 6 hours of surgery to straighten out a vein that was crimpted. So far so good. She only has a one time shot at this, if it doesn't work it's all over. And that would be a shame.

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