Thursday, June 28, 2007

My new scrapblog

Ms. Leslie introduced me to this today. I just love it. I haven't had time to computer scrap for over two years, and this makes it easy and no ink is wasted, only your time and the internets. I just did a shortie, because I am stupid and it took for fricken ever to get it going, plus I was at work and that damn phone keep ringing. But now that I got it, it's easy as pie. I couldn't bring up Leslie's on my computer at work because I didn't have Adobe Flash Player 9. So if you can't get it, just go the bottom where it says create a scrapblog and then "get started" and you will be able to download it from there. Now I got to start taking pictures again. It's been a long time.

I mowed the back 40 tonight, watered all that need watering, leaf blowed all the crap off my deck with my handy dandy ELECTRIC leaf blower, cleaned up my pond, and cut back shit I grew two years ago when I was only a babe in the woods when it came to perennial gardens. I'm all ready for Canada Day! Bring it on. But, this year because of dietary issues, we will be having fake ribs, fake steak and fake hamburgers for our suppers. Recipes below:


Cut all the fat off the ribs
Now you will only have the bones left (do not despair)
Boil the bones for 4 hours
Cool .. or chill out as the case may be
Take a paint brush, that you have NOT used for painting
And brush the rib bones with some Bull's Eye Barbecue sauce
Put them on the grill on high heat (because lets face it, they are done already)
Once the Barbecue sauce gets hot and a little brown, remove from heat.
Put them in a serving plate (don't be alarmed if the sound of the ribs hitting the plate scares the dog) after all they are heavy bones.
Now lick off the barbecue sauce and call it a night.
Serve with fake potato salad.

Fake Steak:

Cut all the fat off the steak
If you are having a boneless steak, you are shit out of luck. BUT if you are having a steak with a bone in it ( you lucky bastard)...see Fake Barbecued Ribs.
Serve with baked potatoes and fake sour cream.

Fake Hamburgers:

Take a pound of sawdust, toss in two eggs, 1/2 lb. of breadcrumbs, 1 chopped onion, and a touch of worchershire sauce and ketchup. Mix it all about. If it gets too heavy you can use it as mortar for any cracks in your house, but if you still want to make your Canada Day Hamburgers, throw in a cup of water to loosen it up.
Form into plywood patties. If you have made too much you can make plywood meatballs with the rest and freeze them. Fibre girlfriends! You can never get too much of that. Keep your aprons on.
Grill your plyburgers on low heat. This cook, always advises those who are using her recipes to always use untreated sawdust when making this. NOTE: If you are not sure if you have treated or untreated sawdust, the treated sawdust will have a green tinge to it. Let's not even worry about the formalihyde. The choice is yours. If you are using untreated sawdust your burger should have a wonderful smokey flavour to it. It tastes like a campfire in your mouth.
Serve with pan fried lichen. Yum.

For the Canada Day dessert, this cook would suggest, ...I am so excited about this I almost got my apron in a knot..."Sex in a Pan"..with a twist. You know the old standby, the one with the crispy crust, chocolate pudding and cool whip on the top? Yeah, I knew you went to those same baby showers I went to. Wellll, I was thinking WHY NOT put a few shavings of sawdust on top for roughage!! Mind you don't put the one's that have a tinge of green on them...we don't want any oppsies!

So there you got it. Your Canada Day Celebration menu. Enjoy.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

I'm still a social butterfly

Another housewarming party last night. Greek style. We had uncles, aunt's and children coming out of our ying yang. Strangers kissed me on both cheeks,(the one's on my head) and got a little slovaki on me, but I didn't mind. It tasted pretty good. Now, those Greeks, know how to throw a parteeee.... I swear the table in her dining room was the size of ..let's see...okay LARGE.. very large. It was filled with everything you could possible imagine that is Greek. She called it "finger food," I called it a free meal at a Greek restaurant.

They have a restaurant right beside my office, so they are in the business of cooking, but my lord......

...Then from no where a thundercloud appeared, then another, and lighting and more lightning happened. Gord and I got into FATKAT..our vintage Lincoln, and started to head home. Hoping like hell there would be no hail, or tornatos. We got about 4 blocks and it started to rain so hard the windshield wipers could not keep up. Just the day before on Friday when we were coming home from the Golf Tournament, a tornado tore up a small town just 30 miles from the I was mighty worried. When we finally got to our street, the power went off, but we could see the downed trees on the street. We dodged them and got home safely...pheewwww.. it's been a very wet and turbulent June.

You should have seen the glass of wine I was poured yesterday at the Greek party. The wine glass was as big as a bowl, and she filled it up. What's a girl to do, drink it! And I did, but within a two hour period, with ice. But now that I think of it, I was taking down email addresses from people I don't even know. My mouth methinks was flapping a bit. I was telling stories of our past that would make your hair curl. There was a lot of laughter, and a lot of "I can't believe what the two of you did".. Hey, me an the boy had us some crazy times. I'm telling these stories to couples who are like 35 years old and their eyeballs were bulging.

Those times were the best, no worries, just go out a do what you do.

Waz up for Suppaz you is asking me? Chicken. Yes my friends, why not cook a chicken in the oven when its 30 degrees C.? And the humidity factor is 100 percent. It doesn't really matter because I got the AC going full blast and I can't go outside because the mosquitoes will use me their supper. I love summer in Winnipeg. I'm thinking about getting my winter template out, but of course I can't because I have been taken to task. A task I very much enjoy by the way:) Hey, I started it.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Come a little closer... don't be afraid...

shhhhhhhhh.... I have something to whisper in your earlobes. IT'S RAINING AGAIN!! fortheloveofmike! I have mosquitoe bites the size of the empire state building on my forehead. They are quite attractive if you are a unicorn. Now my whole body is in disrepair. They always say the face is last to go, and so it came to pass.

But, when one door closes, another opens, it seems I have become a social butterfly. Yes .. me..don't look so shocked! In the last two weeks I have attended a House Warming Party, and tonight a Dinner after our annual Golf Tournament at work. I didn't golf. But I ate the company food that was provided at the club house. It was really good. At this point anything would be good, because we haven't been out for lunch, supper and any damn thing for three months, and my offerings are getting old. There was roast beef, meatballs, two different salads, a bean carrot "medley"..heh I just made that up...that would be a bunch beans with some cawwots, and along with the best pumpernickel rolls I have ever put in my pie hole. It was served buffet style, and I made sure GORD was right behind me in line so I could see what he was putting in his plate, using the eyes I have in the back of my head. I had to turn around ever so often and knee him in the groin, when he took too much of a bad thing. He was pretty well doubled over by the time he got to the meatballs and roast beef, thus leaving a lot of veggies in his plate. Damn I'm good. I am not a dessert lover, so when it was time for that tray to be served, I went out for a smoke, leaving him to his own devices. I know how much he loves sweets, but I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt. When I came back ten minutes later, he was just finishing a small piece of cake, and I thought that was pretty good, until all my guys at work ratted him out. He was trying to get more cake but they gave him so much grief, he let it go. Bastard. I am so glad God gave me eyes in the back of my head, normally it pisses me off when I get a haircut and the stylist keeps complaining about them "looking at her." But, hey they come in handy; I get a good haircut and my husband is scared of me. That is the way it should be. It's the Canadian way.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Gettin old is not for sissies..

At the beginning of the week, my bum and leg hurt. Today my heels hurt. Tomorrow it will be my eyelids fortheloveofgettingoninage. Thank God for Tylenol with Codeine and wine, I don't know how I would get through the day. I'm feeling very limber right now because I had a glass of wine. But, I am sure that will pass. Then my whole body will collapse in heap right in front of the Internet, for all the world to see. I know that this will be completely inappropriate, but the puddle you will see.. is me. Just a puddle. I didn't see it coming...old age. Puddlefuck.

Monday, June 18, 2007

I forgot to post something yesterday

I'm two weeks in with this template. Anyone want to make a bet I don't last until next Christmas?? Bring it on! I bet you 5 bucks I will make it. If I don't, I will pay each and everyone of you 5 dollars Canadian. Now, you Americans might scoff at that, thinking our dollar is worthless. You are wrong, our dollar is coming back! We have even started to shop across the border again. Put your money where your mouths are, because I'm gonna take youse guys on. I'm looking at you JimBob and Special K. And I think there are more of you out there.

Yes, I can see the vacant look in your eyes, and you can barely hit the "comment" key, but you know what! only a "chicken shit" would not step up to the plate and try to bring me down. Hey, five bucks is five bucks, all you have to do is sign on and tell me you think I am full of shit. If I fail, the cheque will be in the mail before the new year.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Dear Dad

How I wish I could dance with you again. I would stand on your shoes and you would stumble around with me on your feet and pretend to dance with me. I thought you were a magnificent dancer. There wasn't much you couldn't do in my eyes, except for the piano incident. You never did build me one. But, I guess after years of hearing me sing off key, you probably put that in your "hold" file. But, hey, I appreciate the lie, ..but not so much for the rest of our friends and family who now could not tell me the freaking truth and say... "quit singing Joan." stink! fortheloveofmarioalanza! Look what confidence you gave me! I sang loud and hard until middle school, then one day in Choir practice I was told to "only move my lips." I was crushed. But that didn't really stop me. I decided I could sing, my only problem was I could not reach the high notes, therefore I decided to be an Alto. Then, when the alto parts came up in song I would sing out loud, and sometimes that worked and sometimes, it did not. It was finally decided that if I wouldn't just move my lips, I would have to be removed from choir. Bastards.

So, I had only one recourse, I didn't have piano, or any other instrument at my disposal to learn how to sing. But, we had a couple two doors down, that probably were in stage 3 of dementia, and they had an organ, that hadn't been tuned since 1941. I would go over there every evening and pound on their organ. (sounds a little ummm dirty) but that is what I did, and they loved it. I WAS THE BEST ORGAN PLAYER THEY HAD EVER HEARD) All I could play was Mary Had A Little Lamb, and Jingle Bells. But, hey ...they were lonely, and a little fried, and I needed a piano/organ. We worked well as a team.

Finally the son and daughter of the couple put a stop to it, because they were just having too much fun. Bastards. They put them in a home. I wanted my dad to buy the organ, but he said ... don't worry, one day I will build you a piano. ~~~~


It's been a good weekend. I have almost finished the yard work, I brought the outdoor carpeting up to the deck and stairs and nailed them down for another season. Then put up the patio set. It's looking a lot like summer around these parts. Especially with mr. and mrs. mosquito. Bastards. I always pray for a mixed summer of rain and sun, but shucks, we have had a lot of rain, and hence the mosquitoes. I didn't even see one of those suckers last year because it was so dry, but mannnnn the yard looks so lush with the moisture, I can live with it.

My ass bone is still hurtin.. I will just have to quit loosing weight...144 today!! I am wearing low rise jeans sucka's....I buy them from Value Village, no point buying expensive jeans only to fill them out again. But, I don't think I will. I likes a deal anyway, predriven jeans or not. I can only imagine how happy those pants were at one time. I'm hoping they will make my pants happier. They were probably at a lot bars, taken off by men with muscles and lies. The jeans I used to buy, "the old lady" one's used only give me the feeling of smelly old ladies. Someone peed in these here jeans. I like my new predriven jeans, but I might have to check for semen stains. There is always a down side.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Beep Beep

7:00 PM.

Tornato warnings tonight!!! Ouch...we don't have tornato's on the prairies. We have annoying prairie winds which make you want to weep and crawl into a hole with the frickin topsoil coming off the farmers fields that land in your eye. A tornado would be cool, as long as it doesn't hit my house...and stays up in the air where I can safely take a picture of it and sent it to the local media for a profit. We got all our vehicles safely tucked away in the garage, because they predicted LARGE hail as well.

Well, I have been waiting for an hour........nothing..not a drop of rain, no tornados. I "hets" you weather peeps! This is my only excitement in life. I needs a good ole thunderbolt scare.

Fuck the weather station. I'm pissed. Or, is this the "calm" before the storm?... You may never hear from me again, I will be in the vortex....spewing my vermin all over the world. spewing>>>>>>>> feel that my friends? I hope I didn't get any on youse guys.


If the stinking sun hadn't set by now, it would be sunny. Who makes up this weather shit anyway? Here I was all ready to hunker down; in my basement, which I had stocked with cans of pork and beans, Spam, dog food, water, Gord's pills and my wine. I figured that would keep us alive few days until they found us buried in the rubble... alive, but with blood cholesterol levels a little higher than normal. Fortheloveofspam.

I went to great lengths to take down all the HUGE planters ( I am flower sitting for my neighbour) off their hangers in my back yard and store them in the garage in case of LARGE HAIL, WINDS UP TO 120 KM, AND TORNADO'S. Nadda.


I went outside and tested God. I could see some lightning way out in the west, and I pointed at it. You see, in Gordon's family it is very unlucky to point at lightning because it could strike you down, you just don't do that. But I did. Gord tried to wrestle me down, but I had already pointed at it, so it was to late. So, now it's only left up to fate. I have set the bar.


Nothing! I'm going downstairs for a Spam sandwich.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Look at us

We bought a piece of property today in a forest. A forest on the outskirts of the city I didn't know existed. It's only about a mile and half from my house.

Who knew?

I should get out more often as I am told by my friends. Gord wanted this property for a very long time. I was the nay-sayer and would not even go out to look at it. Today I took off my blinders and fell in love with it. It's still under construction, and has to be built up to meet flood levels from the river that runs beside it, but it's ours! My own personal forest. I even found deer tracks all over it.

This year has meant many changes in our little Attitude Adjustment Hour group... Hippychick sold her house in the city and bought a house and a couple of acres in Ridgeville Manitoba, a sleepy little town of about 20 peeps, it's about 100 km. from Winnipeg. She is planning on retiring in about a year or so, and is setting herself up there for now during the weekends, but is still working and living in the city until the time comes. She won't be coming to AA hour a much anymore, but we will try to visit and she will probably drop in now and again and give us a piece of her wisdom.

Sheila, after living in a rental townhouse for umpteen years, has bought a trailer and is living in the most beautiful trailer trash park in the city. She is so happy. Freedom at last! She can do what she wants with the place, loves mowing her lawn, and flirting with her male neighbours. I have a feeling there is a "desperate housewives" thing going on. She really loves it, and her grandkids live just up the street, and can now come to Grandma's on their bikes.

Gord's bro Ron, who also is a AA hour regular...has been so busy this year with his work, he hardly has time to come over anymore.

So, times are a'changin... nothing wrong with that. I think they stayed the same for too long anyway. Personally, I am way to set in my ways, which has been pointed out to me many a time.. So, I'm taking the risk. I am on board with the new house, and let the the games begin.

You see we are a group of five, Sheila and hippychick have experienced Cancer and won, Gord had an "event" ... Ron, fell through the first level of a building he was inspecting to the basement floor, and only had a concussion, and a dislocated shoulder... and managed to find a ladder to climb out of the basement with a bleeding head. We are tough group. So far nothing bad has happened to me..touch wood, I have to be strong for the rest of them..heh. And if something did, I know they would be there for me. So, if AA hours dwindles, it's okay, because everyone has to do their shit, and when they have had a hard day, they will still know where to come for a fix. We will always be here..or in the woods at our new place making out in the forest. Did I just write that out loud?

Here is my forest, the cleared land in front is where the house will be and on the right past my truck will be protected land so we will have no neighbours there. Heaven. There will however be houses build to the left of us and two further up. But, it will still be very secluded.

This is our lot!!

Click on it to see it real good..........

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I'm back in the sunset years of my life

This is such an excellent template as opposed to the others I have tried, I'm going to make it my home. I'm settling down. Hanging up my skates.

I know, there will be some flack, and naysayers, (SK) but unless someone comes up with a great Christmas Template, I will change it for the season, but until then, I'm here to stay. Phewww, what a relief! Now, I can start re-arranging my new/old room. First, I have to get a new picture of me taken. I pretty well look the same, except a little thiner, more wrinkles, a horn is started to protrude in the centre of my forehead, other than that, not so much...Ohhhh yeah I forgot, my moustashe, let's get that sucker under control before someone clicks my pic. While re-organizing I think I will forego the "weather pixie" in our our area, and the clock thingie. I don't really think you care how cold, or warm it is here, nor what time it is. By the time you read it, it could have changed 50 times. The weather that is, but time will probably stay the same...duh... How comforting. Being in my golden years, you guys will always know what the weather is like, because I will bitch about it, so who needs that little that little weather pixie "ho."

I'm going to find me some fine and interesting things for my sidebar in the days to come that will make this blog a home. And sometimes unacceptable..heh, that is what I strive for.

I'm on a roll.. I'm building a blog house!

Don't try to stop me!!

I said.......don't try, because those birds "way up there" are trained to fly into your screen and poke your stinking eyes out. So, don't mess with with them.

Be afraid...

Joan/balonie..joint effort.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Combo pack...Sunday and Monday


I am so tired I can hardly twipe. Another weekend in the back 40. I got my pond all set up, and my fake shit around it. Looks pretty good. Paradise it is not. By no means. It's a little shit pile of rubble around a fake pond. But as the perennials start pushing up their little heads, it looks ..ummm ugly but I can see some promise. Just a little mind you. Those f*n leaves we didn't rake up last year have come to bite me in the ass.

I quit early this afternoon, as Gord and I went a ms. hippychicks daughters grad party. She graduated with honors with a science degree. Now here is a girl, who had no education other than passing grade 12 a long time ago. She worked here and there and couldn't find her niche. She decided to put some effort into something she thought she would be interested in four years ago, went back to university...and clicked. Now Desiree is an honour student, plus she will be working for them until next year.

I sure wish I would have had that fortitude in my life. But, hippychick was always been a good role model, she went back to school when she was 50ish. I think her kids knew what it would take to get ahead. Her son Mike (fortheloveofmike) was there today too!! He flew in from Edmonton to come to the ceremony and the party unbeknowest to both of them. Desiree was tickled pink I tell you. Fortheloveofmike slays me, I can't believe his sense of humor. I could spar with him all night. Janis is one lucky mom. Sweet sweet kids.

Okay, it's only time until my keyboard stops working, someone spilled a little wine on it. Fucking dog.

By tomorrow all the keys should be tied up tighter than an old mans fart.

It's working fast, I have to pound almost all my keys already.

Lesson learned: drink dry sugar in there!! Spill all you want.

Or: don't drink and blog. That is not an option. kiddin...geez it's sticky in here, I will have to take the hose to it tommorow.

Having the noodles for supper tonight. Let's see if I still like em. I need some padding on me bum.


All the keys on my board work fine, did I imagine the dog spilling wine on it? OR was it "balonie." It's a toss up.

I made up some shit:

Nothing good can come of:
Pissing against wind, providing you are outdoors, in the privacy of your own "bush." And even so, you will get some on you.

Nothing good can come of:
Watching Larry King. Sooner or later you will feel like taking a fork, and sticking it in your eye....Gord! ... I'm looking at you bud.

Nothing good can come of:
Repeatedly trying to "click x" off DELL SUPPORT when it pops up on your screen when you are watching porn. It is so distracting and a cruel irony.

Nothing good can come of:
Buying new sandals, and your toenails look like talons on a eagle. A chain saw might solve the problem, but only after you have soaked them in vinegar for a year.

Nothing good can come of:
Wearing your face on your sleeve. Always look vacant and little scary. Then nobody will ask you "how are you?" Even if you answer the phone, be evasive, so you don't have to answer that dumb question... "how are you?" they care. Stop it, with the formality it drives me up a wall. State your case, and get it over with. I get asked that question 35 times a day at work. I am sure they don't have the time to hear how I really feel. And of course all you can say is "fine"...BUT I WANT TO SCREAM, STOP IT RIGHT NOW. I think a more appropriate way to address a person on the phone in the office or in real life, would be; "what's shaking?" And then I would say...NOTHING "but the leaves on the trees." Then I would come off looking really cool with my retort, and wouldn't have to say "fine." It would take care of so much stupidness and the caller would be pacified. Can you tell I have been doing some "deep thinking?" lately?... heh. Yeah, that's me .... the deep thinker. Make that the teep dhinker.

My goal is to get more bitter..than "Bitter Betty". Or is that bitterer. I want to win. I want my life to be worse than hers. Bring it on Betts. I bet you just hate being called that! Canada in engaged in a war on mennonites...nothing very good could come out of that, so I'm going to save my heritage. And learn how to dance, smoke, drink and trash the Catholics.

Okay, I'm done...have a good week and see youse guys soon. I'm feeling writey these days so if anyone is still tuned in I may just bore you with some pictures and shit. Mostly shit mind you.

So, how are you?

Friday, June 01, 2007


This post may contain course language and viewers should be advised.

I might have gone to the wine trough one too many times tonight. Friday is the one night I let my hair down, all two inches of it. Yes, I got a haircut!...and I'm looking at you "Magic Cuts." The only magical part about it was ... I had hair on my haid when I went in .. and when I left I didn't. Okay, I see your point, that was the magical part. Pardon me.

Actually the cut wasn't too bad, she took off 5000 lbs. of hair that grows on the lower back part of my skull! Why would hair grow in such numbers on the lower part of your haid? I pondered that all day, between fretting about Gordon, working, shopping, and just being an ass hole. I came up with an answer, I am a hairy ass hole.

Nothing says it better than a ugly google image. God bless them.

So, guess my weight? 149...wrong
148..wrong again win!!

And it's not all about stress either, I am applying all my old weight watcher techniques I learned years ago, plus making shit up myself as I go along. Gord has lost a shit pile too. So, we are in this together. KFC is almost off my mind. But, I have a hungering for noodles.."pasta" for those who pastarized. I call em noodles by damn! I make stuff with "noodles"...but not as many as I would actually like any other human to see what I put in my mouth. Some people who go on diets want dessert, I want noodles fortheloveofaknoodlefart! I want them with spaghetti, and I love them fried up in butter with eggs. OHHHH I'm so hungry right now!! I will have noodles tomorrow, I have it all planed, and then I will eat till my tummy hurts and then have a nap. I should be good until next month.

Any you know, when I went into google images, I found a shit pile of of low fat noodle dishes...Let the games begin.

Noodles are us...yummmmmmmmmmmknoodles..........