Sunday, June 12, 2005

His Evil Head Rears Again

JAKE THE SNAKE...our evil lawnmower...

I bought him at Canadian Tire in 1987. Hubby and I had just bought our new house that we could not afford....nuthin new there..but that's a story for a different time. This house came with property that shouldn't even be legal within city's humongeous. So we bought the farm, so to speak. When we first moved in we had a wiener of a lawnmower..from our old house. It must have been 356 years old, and blew black smoke up and above your ass any chance you gave it. I hated that mower like no other (except Jake). So once we moved in the NEW house, I said...(to meself) if I's going to be the one to mow the back 40...I needs me a "self propelled" lawn mover, so I don't have to push all my intestines out the front of my rib cage..

I did not even consult my annoying "half"...I marched into Canadian Tire..looked at two of them, and said I wants the one that moves without me pushing it too hard. $569.00 dollars later, I put him in my van and took him home. And that was the beginning of a love hate relationship.

Jake never did take to me. Right from the beginning he became as stubborn as a mule in a parade. Anyone could start him, except me! Small children would come up to him and pull his cord and he would purr like a kitten. If I came within a foot of him, I could hear hims snarling and such. I pulled his cord over and over and again through our tumultuous relationship, and he would not budge for me. I choked him many a time, trying to get him to go and he would flood ON PURPOSE. I tried to get him on my good side, by feeding him lots of gasoline and expensive oil, but he spit it out at me! Everytime I wanted to mow the lawn, I would have to wait for Gord to come home and start him. By the time he got home, I was usually purdy mad in the head. Gord goes over to him, pulls the cord and like always that little summabitch goes!!! Then, I get the "Look" from, what is your problem lady?!!

Last year I was mowing the lawn, minding my own business, and Jake decided to let one of his tires go. I swear to god, the tire fell off on purpose. HE JUST LET IT GO. Another time, well more than once, he decided to blow out the bluest farts in the world at me. The entire neighbourhood was "blue." Mosquitoes were dying by the thousands, Jake has won again!

This year.. Jake, after having a whole winter to think about it in the garage, has concocted yet another evil plan to make my eyes twitch. The one and only thing I liked about him was that he was self propelled, and you didn't have to push and grunt like an animal to mow the lawn. Well, now he has decided that he wants to go all.the.time. You cannot slow him down once he starts. I have to park him up against a tree to empty the grass catcher. He has got away on me a number of times. The first time he did it took me by surprise. I had taken the grass catcher off him and turned around to put the grass in a garbage bag. When I was finished, I looked... and he was gone!!! I swear to god. He had traveled right across the lawn and bumped into the fence where he came to rest. I dare not cut the motor when I empty the catcher, because he is just waiting for the opportunity not to start again. I will not let him win.

I tested him on Thursday when I was mowing to see if he would do it again...and he did!!

This is how I have to park him to take the bag off.
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This is what he does if I don't put him up against a tree...bugger

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And this is were he landed up.
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How many cows do think it might take to chew the lawn once a week? That's my only hope.

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