Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Just call me Sticky Pants

Yes, I have had a few problems with my “home improvement” endeavor.  This week’s project was to put new tile in the front foyer.  This of course led me to think about a 100 more places I could  put sticky tile.  Tile covers up crap.  I like that.  No fuss, no muss, just stick it on and walk away…far away.  Measuring stuff has never been my strong suit.  I like to think I can do things “by eye” therefore eliminating any measuring devices.

Apparently not.  The instructions tell you to pull all the tiles out the box and let them sit and meditate for 48 hours.  What kind of bullshit is that!  When I’m on a roll, I need to do it NOW, my attention span ain’t that long man.  I skipped that part.  I took them all out of the box and did a little voodoo on them, and they were totally fine with that.  They said the were ready to “rock and roll.”

Okay!  The instructions also say to start from the centre of the room and go outward.  Whoa, that would mean measuring, no, no, It’s not good at that, I need a square starting point and then move to the top.  And that is what I did.  I started at the furthest point, where the landing meets the living room (it is a elevated type landing)…This little elevated landing has been called an “Old Folk” killer, cause old Aunties and Uncles don’t see it  going down or see it coming back up!   When they come or leave our house we always make sure we have an old folk “catcher” at the door..jest in case we get sued..

Anywho,  I started there, and moved right across to the closet  on the other side.  It was a piece of cake, until I encountered heating vents..fortheloveofmike, now, I had to start cutting out pieces of tile to fit around them.  Good thing I still had my wooden grade 3 ruler (no, I didn’t throw that away).  I measured and measured and remeasured, I didn’t want to screw up these tiles because they cost a fair penny.  Finally, I thought I had it all figured out, and take out my “handy dandy” cutting knife (hey, I’m a professional) and start cutting out the hole.  Whoa, that’s some tough work I tells myself, I could use some spinach in my diet.  I damn near killed myself cutting through that hole, when I noticed I had two more vents on the other side to do as well….fart…So I took the easy way out and started on the other side.  It also needed some tile cutting, but no so intricate as the vents.  Well, lord luv a duck…I just happened to score the tile a little bit with my professional knife and while bending the tile a smidge, it snapped open.  Well, hallelujah…I cannot believe I was actually trying to cut through the entire tile…and it does it itself!… obviously I must have drinking when I was watching the 3000 home improvement shows these last few years.  I guess doing it yourself is the best teacher.  

Needless to say, I ran out of tiles.  Fuckity fuck fuck.  ParDon my French.  Back to Home Depot and all their helpful associates.  I wanted to make this a short trip, as I still had tile to install, and improvement to make.  I knew exactly where the tile was, so I grabbed  a cart, and as fast as my poor little crippled little tile legs could carry me, I found them…breathing a sigh of relief, because I was thinking maybe they had run out of them, and I had ¾’s of  my floor done.  Apparently they never run out of ugly tile, they were just bringing in a fork lift more of them.  This brought to mind, do I want my “foyer” looking like everyone else’s....Who cares, I’m in a hurry, give me my ugly tile and I will be on my way.  Just as I was leaving, I thought, perhaps I should change the heating registers in the “foyer”…purdy fancy word for the entrance to your house..huh?...

The registers are old and dated, and scared with the salt from our boots in the winter.    So, I walked about 40 acres to find them, thank you Associates for all your help. Isle 3687 led me directly to the men’s washroom.

Only one little problem I had, was when I got home, and went to the bathroom, did I realize that I had about 3 sticky pieces of tile stuck to the back of my pants …they were like little shaving of stuff I had taken off tiles that were too big, and I guess I sat in them on the floor, and then went to Home Depot, with all of them hanging off my ass.  Jeez…I was so embarrassed..they even had some of the sticky paper clinging to them!!   People musta thought I wiped my ass from the outside in…

Our house had the weirdest cold air return registers in the history of mankind.   I finally found two that would fit, and they were plastic.  Hell, they were much better than the other ones which always rusted when we got our wet boots on them in winter.  So I stuck them in my basket and got the H.E. double toothpicks atta there.

When I got the tile home, I was just a little tired of  bruising my kneecap, scurrying around the floor on all fours, when I had an idea!   Now, that I had two more boxes of tiles, more than I needed for the floor, why don’t I tile the backsplash of my kitchen countertops, which look like crap.  I had old crappy “mind you” washable ugly wallpaper on there?  Why don’t I do that?...and yes…why don’t I tile the other side of the table in the kitchen..underneath the chair railing …to match.   I have become a home decorator in a matter of minutes…. Those decorating shows have nuttin of me…I was on fire!!  Yes I was.  

I took the tile up to the kitchen and started fantasizing on how this could be done… I started at 4:00 PM and was done by 6:00…no cutting shit involved here…pull off the sticky paper, slap it on the walls, and “Bob’s your Uncle”.  It looks great.  The tile is a little dark, but I like the look, it sort of looks like a cheap casino…but hey…I live here!!

Yaknow, it all turned out pretty good, I finished up most of it today, and I can live with it.  Last night about 4:00 AM , Gord and I heard a huge thump in the kitchen, and he was ready to get up and have a look , and I said, “I know what it is”…the floor tiles are falling off the kitchen wall!!  Well, only two did…for some reason only known by the flooring Gods those  two tiles don’t think they should be sitting in a vertical position.  

If anyone wants to come over and walk on my walls, go for it…they are  now made for it.  Those tiles are “made for walking.”…and onna these days, they’re gonna walk all over you…do

God.. I should go to bed.

Old floor

New floor


I am watching CNN right now, and God Bless all the homeless people who have lost everything in their heart goes out to them.

It sure makes my little worries seen so insignicant...I have a home..I will try to help in my own way here from Canada.

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