Sunday, September 27, 2009

Going grocery shopping ..want to come along?

My GPS unit fell off the dashboard as I got in the truck. So I threw it on the seat. How will I ever find my way to Safeway now?

I drove to the top of the street, and found a large gaggle of geese, defecating in our park. I love nothing more that taking Penny for a walk and stepping in green shit. So I shot them. Now we will have a gaggle of goose for Christmas dinner said Tiny Tim.

Then I went to Safeway, which includes all sorts of other stores beside it. My favorite is Giant Tiger, you can get FRESH MEAT there.... at everyday low prices. One moment you are trying on a pair and jeans, and the next moment you could be caressing a pork roast. One stop shopping here. I love this place.

So I parked my truck in between the two stores. Got out and kicked the tires, and made sure I knew where I parked it. Made my mental note. Which by the way, is useless.

I checked out the bread section....not much left on a late Saturday afternoon... so I kicked in the display. Damn them. All I wanted was some fresh bread that did look and taste like ass.

As I was leaving I took another picture, and one of the employees came up to me and said "why you taking picatures"....I said "for my blog"...he said "for your bwolg?." Yes, new immigrant, for my bwolg. He said "no picatures"... I said ..why not, because it's only 5:00PM on a Saturday night and you don't have any bread worth eating in your cases? He told me to get out, so I shot him.

Sitting on the parking lot waiting for the cops to come. I guess I just must of just winged him.

All I really wanted to buy was some corn. There was a tent set up in the parking lot with fresh corn. They are farmers and don't take visa. I didn't have a buck in my pocket. So I went to the ATM machine. I drove up to my bank.

And this is the message I got. Needless to say by this time my patience had worn thin, so I shot a hole right in the center of the monitor. No guilt... I had already shot wildlife, and the guy at Safeway...but this really set me off, so I blew up my Credit Union. Bastards. I'm a working girl, I don't have time to piss around with shit! So, no corn money for me.

Then I headed to Super Store. I knew they had corn...not fresh, but corn none the less. Apparently when you buy corn at Superstore, they allow you to shuck it. There was about 50 people feeling the corn. Touching it and spitting on it, and peeling it. GROSS. No corn for me.
So I lit a small fire by the door just in case the cops were looking for a shooter.
I had another place in mind that sold corn. A little shop just a few miles from my house, that actually takes plastic.

So I took to the open road like Thelma without Louise. I cranked that Explorer up to 50 clicks! Just in case I had cops on my ass.
I passed a cement bear, I could have sworn I saw him raise his paw and go "rock on you rebel." And he gave me the paw peace sign. But it was hard to tell at 50 clicks.

I got to the intersection, had a smoke, calmed down and tried to put my GPS system back on the dashboard. It has this little sucky cup that holds it on the window, but it just kept on falling down, so I threw it out the window. I had run out of bullets so I couldn't shoot it. I just wanted corn. No not porn...corn. sweet corn.on.the.cob. The real stuff.

I ended up here at Crampton's a little overpriced farmer's marketplace. They had lots of corn, and they took mastercard as well!! They had corn that hadn't been shucked and they had corn that had been shucked in plastic bags. There wasn't 5000 people touching it either which made me happy. I opted out for 4 cobs of peaches and cream corn already shucked in a nice clean plastic bag. I did this only because I was getting short of time and didn't want to come home and shuck the fucking corn!

They have a lot of local produce. So I bought a bunch of stuff that will probably rot in my crisper. My intentions are always good, but sometimes I don't always follow through.


They had some cute pumpkins. I was going to buy a few for target practice the next time I buy some more bullets. But, time was marching on and I had to get home. After all Saturday night is "Attitude Adjustment Hour Nite"...and I had people coming over who needed their heads adjusted. Wine usually helps, but sometimes you have manually twist their heads back into shape for the coming week. So, I had to be prepared for that.

Then I found a dog. I named her Elizabeth. She watched me put my corn in my truck. We did a few window kisses and off I went.

I started the trek home. Passed a Driving range. There was about 100 people hitting golf balls that were going nofuckingwhere. Excuse me, but I don't get that sport. So I put my Explorer in over drive and spun gravel in their faces. Get a life.

Going home. It was a very foggy today. So a lot of the pictures are blah...and also I was taking some of them when I was driving, drinking, on the cell phone, and smoking. That make for a blurry picture.

I took the scenic way home. There are no geese in this pond, because they are all in my freezer.

This is another pond, right close to our house. As you can see it is gated, because it is a maximum holding facility for bad geese. We open it up in fall so they can fly youse Americans can deal with their issues.

Looks like the Warden just let them out. They should be flying over your house in about a day or so. I think they are gay geese, but that is just a rumour I overheard in the cul-de-sac.

Down the home stretch. Coming home with my corn. The neighbours have a lot of crap on the curb today. The City: said this weekend will be two days where you can put all your junk on the curb and give it away. That junk was there yesterday and it's still there today. I don't think the plan worked. People like to pay a little and haggle...they don' t understand free.

I'm home with my loot. It's still very foggy. But the sun in coming out.

It sure doesn't look like a lot of stuff for all the time it took me to get it. But of course there was all the shooting.

I guess I forgot all my" green" freaking friendly bags at home. Yes, here they are at the front door like usual.

Here is the stuff from Crampton's ..CORN!...cukes, fresh bread, tomatoes, carrots and a jar of overpriced pickles.

Stuff I bought at Safeway and Super Store.

Here is the grocery list I left at home.
Sonofabitch...I forgot the dirt. (soil) like for planting all those I shot today.

We had the corn last night, and it was worth all the mayhem. Sweet juicy and smackdabdelcious.


Brenda said...

Ok, I lost it at, "go "rock on you rebel." And he gave me the paw peace sign. But it was hard to tell at 50 clicks." Hahahahahahaha!

Donna said...

Thanks for the ride!! I just want to know why you needed "dirt"...?LOL
Now we can tell what it looks like in your world!! Everyone should do this!hughugs

Grandma K said...

I really enjoyed the ride! Thanks.

Poolie said...

I'd go shopping with you any day!

judemiller1 said...

OHMIGAWD this is hysterical! Can I go with you next time? Can I? Huh? Please?

Joan said...

Donna, I was going to transplant some plants.. and I ran out of soil..or dirt.Actually it was a Rubber tree (you know the kind they make condums out of) yeah... a rubber tree, I'm sure there is a botanical name for it. Or maybe rubber bands...who knows!!

Sheldon Lucier said...

Joan that has got to be one of the greatest things I've seen all day! You truly made my day!

Dorie said...

ROFL Joanie! "Quest for Corn"
Love the new blog theme. Very autumnal!
Shouldn't those geese be a flappin' down here by now? What are they, slacker geese?

Joan said...

Glad I could make you smile Sheldon..

Phyllis said...

You really crack me up!!!
I lost it when you shot the Geese!! I heard my first group fly down from your way just the other day! they were going "HONK, EH? HONK, EH? So I knew they were Canadian Geese!!

Jeanette said...

Great post! Really funny! However, I am suprised you were able to see so many Canada geese! I thought they all lived here in Michigan!

Sally said...

I'm so glad there are crazier people than me. Not that YOU are or anything. :)