Sunday, October 07, 2007

Leaf Blower Hell

All the leaves are coming down, and it's not surprising because it is fall after all, but I forgot how messy it was. I like fall mind you, but in someone else's backyard. What a nuisance. If I would have had half a brain and part of an arsehole when we moved in here some 30 years ago, I would not have planted every tree God created. Trust me I have them all. And if I didn't plant them on purpose, I would let seedling trees grow at their will. I'm a kind gardener, and don't uproot what nature deems as a good place for a tree to grow. Even if they grow through the foundation of my basement. I never have had "good sense." I am also lazy. If the seedlings are out of the reach of the lawnmower they get to live in my backyard, along the back fence. If they pop in my lawn, I am quick to murder them. That stinking plum tree roots everywhere.

I just thought of this, remember our old lawnmower "Jake the Snake"...who had a mind of his own and would just run off if I wasn't watching him....well Gord fixed him all up, and is trying to sell that evil bastard. Jake is bright red, just like the devil, and he is just sitting the garage waiting for his new home. We got him advertised in the "Buy and Sell" .... and I wouldn't want to be his new owner for all the tea in China. He be evil. I can hear rumblings in the garage late at night...and when Jake gets his mad on, push off! I swear to God he was trying to get out of the garage last night, I could hear something banging on the inside of the garage door. He's a bastard, thru and thru. I know what he wants, he wants someone to pull his cord now that he is in prime condition. Do I have sucker written on my forehead? uh uh...once he gets started, he will be gone...without even waving his "grass catcher" goodbye. I want him to suffer in his new home, for all the grief he caused me over the last 20 years. There was..the ... I'm sorry bitch, but if you shut me off in the middle of a job...I will not start again for precisely 1/2 hour and screw up your lawn mowing experience! I hated him. He hated me.

I'm going through the same experience with the "Stinking Lincoln" now. Same shit. They have both been parked in the same garage for quite awhile so I think they have started to plot against me. Maybe it was the Lincoln (Fat Kat) that was trying to get out of the garage last night??... because I kicked her ass on Saturday afternoon. That no good..piece of 1970's crap, stalled on me 5,689 times while I was trying to come home from SuperStore yesterday. I pulled out the gas bar...and I should have known...I should have...I really should have known, just like Jake the Snake, she doesn't like to be started and shut down too Jake she needs her 1/2 hour nap. I sat there in the middle of a very busy parking lot, blocking an entire lane, with people giving me the evil eye. Like... you old fart...get into the the year 2007, stupeedo....who drives gas guzzlers like that anymore? I had my groceries in the back in PLASTIC BAGS, and women with small children threatened to kill me for not using "green friendly bags", Well, shit!!! Try riding in my husband won't give me my truck back until he gets his new one....I'm going to make him sorry too. Every time I ask...when will your new truck be here?, he says he doesn't know, well guess what...I will shut down for 1/2 hour like Jake and Fat Kat. Yeah...don't make me kick your ass! And maybe I will shut down for a year... so don't piss me off. It would be hard to start me after a year, because rust happens.

Okay, back to my title....leaf blower hell.....

When I first got my leaf blower, I managed to blow everything off my deck, including all my plants, because I wasn't sure how to use it. This year, I have only been using it to scare my dog. But, today I had some serious leaf blowing to do, because my deck looked like ...ummm shit, full of dead branches, leaves, bird poop ...etc.

So, I took out my handy dandy electric leaf blower and started to blow. I aimed it a Penny first because she loves to chase it. But I didn't want to get all that shit in her eyes and chased her off the deck. I went around in circles.. I have not learned any lessons from last year.... Start from the back, and blow to the front.... easy enough... And if there there are any leaves hanging around, don't try to get them again, because you will destroy the balance of nature. Those leaves will wind up behind you again....and again...and again... and you will get dizzy trying to get them all off the deck. And fall down. The trick is to lift up the leaf blower after you got everything where you want it to be, and not doing spastic shit like trying to blow birds off the trees. Lardy. I'm telling you it's a power trip. Dogs, birds and squirrels don't mess with you. I like that kind of respect. Rodney and I never got any. Now we might.

SIL wasn't able to come over for my birthday last weekend so she brought me a Apple was so good....I'm up a pound. I have to be careful, I'm eating too much crap.

It was good addition to my pot roast last night

And the cupcakes I got for SIL because it was her birthday this weekend too.

It's crazy in October around here, my BDay, Sheila's BDay, Gord's BDay and our Anniversary later this month. Always an excuse to eat stuff you don't normally eat.

Back to the drawing board.


Susan said...

Joan you always make me laugh. I wish I could write so well. I shouldnt read you any more coz it makes me feel even duller that dirt. My blog is so hum de dum.
Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Birthday!

Brenda said...

You make me laugh too, those poor birds. Penny's used to you by now.

I used to drive Merc Marqs and my kids compared them to low flying airplanes.

Joan said...

Susan, your blog is not boring!!! I love to read about family life, kids and stuff. It's sort of like peeking in your windows at night when no one is looking.

Brenda...I leave a vapour trail, where ever I go, and small children pass out on the street, when I pull out of a stop sign. I'm afraid the school next door will ban me from going past it in the morning when the kids are going to school. They all have soot on their faces when I'm done.

JUST A MOM said...

Hey blow some of them leafs my way will ya

Brenda said...

Love the Penny header picture. Did you climb a tree to take it?