Monday, May 25, 2009

No more ants in my pants

But I can't stop looking at the floor. Things still look like they are moving. But they are not, or maybe they are? NO! Those suckers freaked me out. It started on Saturday when I was washing the kitchen floor, and I took up the mat in front of the patio doors and a whole bunch of ants started to scurry around. I thought it was because I had the patio door open for the (queen) uh.. dog to come in and out as she pleased as she was airing out her tiara. So, I started to do a "happy dance" trying to step on as many as I could. I should have been wearing my "man" slippers because they are broader than the flip flops I was wearing and I would have killed them in a happy dance second. But as it was, I was doing the stomp. I thought I got them all.

So, I vacuumed under all the baseboards, the fridge and stove, my hair and everything I could put the nozzle to. Now in hindsight, I should have followed them to see how they were getting in .. and out of the house with all my furniture tucked in their teenie weenie little jaws. I saw one coming out from under the fridge with a mouth full of fridge lint. What on earth would they want with dirty old fridge lint? They didn't take the old wrinkled up frozen peas that had fallen under it...nor the small little Barbie purse one of the kids lost here at Christmas. They were after my lint. Bastards.

But theoretically, if I could have contained them to one specific area they would have made my spring cleaning much easier. Take 30,000 lint carrying ants and let them loose in your kitchen for a day. Then when it looks clean enough, herd them out, slap em on the thorax, high five em, and give them their immigration papers.

But instead I killed about 100 ants who may have just come to Canada on a special work permit visa. I know they looked like they were very hard working, and now I feel bad.

However I killed them humanely .. all I had in the house was that Safers Soap insecticide

Well that was sort of bad, not bad enough. One ant was sitting on my hair brush in the bathroom..yeah, there is a little hair lint in there, but before I tossed him in the sink and turned on the tap, I asked him if he had his water wings on...but before he could answer I set him adrift.

Let's not even talk about the the bumble bee the size of a "hub cap" that flew in while queen Penny was resting quietly on the deck...making sure I had the screen door open for her convenience. This was no ordinary bee, this was your spring BUMBLE BEE, who mean business.

I was still in the middle of Ant Stomping when this guy flew in. He/she was so loud I thought it was a buzz saw. Of course then I started to flail about doing the stomp/flail dance..until I saw him land on a small portion the the screen door that wasn't closed.

Bees are stupid. Normally I would go up to a bee and put a jar over top of them, catch and release them outside. This one had the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.......He kept on going up and down the full length of the screen door. Making a noise like a motor boat. He WAS mad. There is a little lip on the door...and if that stupid asshole would have just taken one of his bee paws and stepped out a little bit to the right, he would have been outside. I had to do an intervention... I got out the old jam jar and was going to trap him......he saw me...then he suddenly put out his furry little bee paw and climbed on the lip of the door and motored away. like it was his own idea...The last I seen of him was when he was trying to get pollen from all those phony flowers I have in my planters on the deck.

I closed the screen door after that, because that was what probably made him so pissed of to begin with. Nothing makes a bee madder than phony flowers. Then I made the Queen, and her Tiara come in, because someone was going to get hurt out there.

I managed to kill all the ants with the only big gun I had, and that was the Safer Soap I used for the plants last week. Who knew ants didn't like a good washing. I killed them organically. I feel so much better now. I must be the only person on earth that doesn't have a can of RAID around.

Now I have to get down on my old hands and knees and wash all that soap crap scum off of all my baseboards, walls, and windows.

But they are gonezo. Plus I put duct tape on the two cracks where they were coming in. It was a gateway. They found a place to get in from the deck into the patio door, then found a little teenie crack into the house from there, and came in through the baseboards. They had already established an olympic sized running track under the step of the patio door to the other side of it and went under the fridge and brought of fridge lint like it was cotton candy. We need more people ants in society...these guys figured this all out in one day!

I tried to post yesterday, but blogger was having a little PMS...or you Americans just came off your long weekend and tried to post...ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Shame on you. You bumped the Canucks! So quit waving your damn flags.


Anonymous said...

You killed them organically! How funny! I always use Windex. Not only does it kill the ants, but my floors, counters, and baseboards get all nice and clean!

Brenda said...

I wish we had your ants, ours are masters at breaking and entering. I'm not as humane as you; I confess I'm an ant killer by any means available. I've still got to remember to call that bug man.

Sally said...

ahaha I know it's not funny, but I would like a picture of you doing the "happy dance" and stomping!! :)

Donna said...

I'd rather have ants than Bees!! Don't like 'em!! At ALL!!
My flag's put up now...Hahaahughugs

Joan said...

Well sonofagun...windex..who would have thought of that. Clean and and kill em. No fuss no muss.

Damn..........but I didn't know that!

I would have killed them with an atomic bomb if I would have one under my sink.

Brenda...I am not humane, (heh) you know that !! but all I had was this wussy plant spray.. organic for some reason I don't know.

Sally...I might have to make a video of that work out.

Donna... that's what I like about you just keep waving that flag:)