Sunday, April 22, 2007

Church Lady

Thanks to the ole TV show "Bewitched"...I am still able to keep Joan at bay. I did my homework.

Today, she was supposed to go to church.

I don't mind telling you folks she was never much of a church goer since the Mennonite church pissed her off umpteen years ago. Her nieces daughter was getting "confirmed" Sunday morning AND I had to go, in her stead.

My balonie backside is so sore. I sat on that hard ass pew for one and a half hours people!

This was my first experience with Anglicans. Apparently this church is made up entirely of women, except for some guy with a funny hat who wandered in and was called a Bishop. The women priests or whatever they are called, were very enthusiastic about his appearance at the confirmation. Apparently, he only shows up their church once a year. They were positively giddy. I swear the Bishop used to be a DJ at a radio station, he had "the voice"...and almost convinced me (balonie)that I was a heathen. He threw in a few commercials, and wrapped it up in an hour (which was wayyyy to long). He was smooth.

Throughout the long ass service, we were asked to sit..and then stand, at least 10 times while trying to follow the "pamphlet" we had received at the door. There were two books in the holder in front of the pews, one was green and other one was blue, and when he said, go to page 876 in the green book, you had to get your ass in gear and try to find it, and by the time you found was all done just in time to say AMEN. When it came to singing, you get up ONCE MORE, and go to the blue book to page 32455 to a hymn you have never ever heard of before. I faked it. I moved my lips while the Bishop was leading the congregation in song with his adoring priest women who were gazing at him with lust.

What I found most interesting, was the "band" accompanying the songs. One guy was on the accordion, one guy on a keyboard (in sweat pants and his basketball shirt), and another church lady playing the organ. Then there were about 3 kids practicing on various instruments. ouch.

By the time the Bishop told us to get up and sit back down, and read from the blue book and the green book plus try to keep up with the "pamphlet" provided, I was dizzy. I don't usually get up and down that much in a Sunday morning.

I was hoping that perhaps going to church would put me and Joan back together, even though I am a bitch, and I was hoping that the minister (priest, rabbi, whatever) would give me some inspiration. He did not. I didn't understand his sermon, he had the three lady priests who would interject now and again, and all they did was do bible quotes. Well, jeez Louise, if I knew what all that stuff meant I wouldn't be here. I was looking for inspiration. And he was still quoting parables. He was totally self serving. He might not have seen it that way, but I did. Because he was holding an entire church at ransom. 95 percent of the people there were not members, but family and friends of the kids that were being confirmed. I know, even the church has to take advantage to get members in their congregation, but I found it blatant.

Last but not least. Just after communion (where all those who have been baptized get to drink wine and eat bread), this balonie had to sit in a hard bench and watch. Gosh wine and bread are my favorite things!! But, my parents forgot to baptize me! I thought I might just sneak up there to see if God would notice if I partook of his offerings...would he smite me down, or would he be a loving God, and say "balonie" have yerself a little a little "ripple" and a piece of bread, and just because you weren't baptized doesn't mean "I won't see you later..alligator"!! That's my kind of God! I know he likes me. Well, only because he likes Joan best, but we are a package deal.

Then, we had to sit through "Community Announcements"...AND THEN.. a lady from the choir jumped up with a bongo player behind her and shimmed her ass around the congregation with a billboard around her neck..front to back, suggesting people buy ticket to their next event. Call me old fashioned. Has religion become a business? I don't know. It was bizarre.

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