Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Just ..you know..messing around

It's so cold outside, you would think it was fall. And unlike other years when I look forward to this time of year, I don't.

When winter comes I will loose the deck outside my kitchen that serves as another room. A beautiful room outside on the patio.

I always did like fall, but for some reason this year is different, everything is different since Gord's incident. I was waiting to get past the 6 month mark, and then I would feel a little less anxious, ...and I have. But some days are better than others. We go about our lives as normal, but there is always that dark side that creeps in my mind, and does the "what if's." I guess that is normal. Gord is pretty sick of me checking to see if he is still breathing at night. If I don't hear him breathing or snoring...I casually turn over and gently poke him in the eye. If I get the response I want, like "what in the fuck are you doing." I turn over and go back to sleep like it never happened and mumble ...Oops, sorry, I hope that wasn't your good eye!

I am such an asshole.

But, that is a given.

Everyone has there own way of dealing with shit. This is mine.

Sheila and I have more road trips in mind. We had such a good time last weekend when we went to see Hippychick, we thought we should explore small Manitoba towns on Saturday afternoons. We would especially like to go back to few we found ..when we were lost last weekend. That is, if we can find them again. Or, just find new places and get lost and try to find our way back home. I'm thinking we might have to get a GPS system, but that would take the fun out of it. I would love to go to these small towns and get the feel of it, and the people. We have such a diverse population in Manitoba, French, Mennonite, Ukrainian, Metis, German, Icelandic..etc. it's just a melting pot of opportunity to explore the small towns who still keep their heritage. And most of all ....get my sorry ass out of the house, and start to see beyond the borders of my back yard.

I can't fix everything, for my hubby, my bro and all those I worry about so much all the time. I'm thinking I need to do something for myself. Sheila is a cancer survivor, and she is the one who keeps telling me....get moving...while the moving is good.. well, I hope she has a full gas tank this weekend, because I'm ready to roll! I'm paying.

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