Life's a funny bitch - Part 1

I was on facebook yesterday. And apparently I had made a few "mishtaken" und I let the whole world know about my comment to my niece for her birthday. I was duly corrected by the Ms. Special K. After figuring out what I had done wrong.. I started farting around in it and found a load of stuff I didn't even know was in there. Let's just say I have a love and hate relationship with facebook. And I go in every few days and look at my wall or whatever the heck it is, make a few comments and I'm gone.

I found a place where people were looking for me. No, it wasn't the cops.

A guy was asking if I was the Joan from "his hometown." My ears perked up. Yes, the name looked very familiar.

Anyway, I answered his message yesterday, and as it turns out, he is the little kid whose dad owned the grocery store on the top of our street in smallville Altona!

He asked me a whole bunch of questions today, and I still haven't answered because I'm in shock. What do I say....to him?

If I was truthful I would say:

Eddy, I'm still pissed off at you when leered at me and made fun of me when my mom sent me to the store to buy a box of Kotex. I know your parents were discreet, they always wrapped the boxes up in brown paper before they put it on the shelves....but we both knew what I was coming in for. I always tried to come into the store when you weren't working. I hate you.

Eddy, do you remember the time I had my first date with a guy? I was 14 years old, and he and I and another couple went out to Buff Creek to shoot gophers. (We didn't have TV in those days) we make our own drama. Butch was his name. Damn that makes me laugh...and we, and the other two went into town after that and grabbed a burger at the "Dairy Dell" .... and ... and... of course after that Butch headed for... my first trip to "lovers lane."

One mile out of town.

It was still daylight.

I still had never been kissed by a boy. I was kind of scared of him. He was all Jimmy Dean and stuff...tough, leather jacket...but yet he was driving his dad's station wagon. Even so I loved him.I w.a.s. 14.

Okay, this is how it went. We were all listening to music on the AM radio. Just grooving. Butch laid down on the drivers seat and put his head in my lap, and hung his legs out the driver side window. The couple in the back seat did the same thing. We were just talking and listening to the music. And yes, we smooched a little bit. Not much, because I found Butch's breath to be a little acidic. As a first kiss, this was not the best. By this time it was 8 o'clock I had to go home.

Eddy: The next day you spread the news all over town that I was doing bad things with with a guy on lovers lane, and he had his feet out the window and my panties hanging on the aerial of his station wagon.

Eddy: I was really embarrassed, but you wouldn't give up...you kept on telling everyone in town the story, you little pervert. What were you doing spying on me and my friends?

Eddy: Do you remember when your dad said I could work in the little store? I was thrilled, thrilled, thrilled. I worked for nothing. I just wanted to work in a store. I loved putting the loaves of bread on the board and packing them in brown paper and putting a string around them for customers to take home. I love making double decker ice cream cones, I loved the little store. It was the heart of our little community. Eddy, you always gave me grief. I loved your dad so much and would have done anything for him, yet anytime I wanted to work at the store your pushed me aside and made it rough for me. I finally gave it up. Eddy.

I will never forget the store. More on that tomorrow.

I will get back to him, once I get all this shit out of my system.

Monday......whatever

A face I love so much.

Father Duck keeping an eye out for his ducklings from the top of our neighbours roof. They have mated for the last twenty years at the house next door..with a pool. These may be the offsprings of the original ducks, but they always come back every spring.



My chokecherry tree is in full bloom. It smells so nice. But everything else is so far behind, because it's so stinking cold. Our yard looks like we are still in April. Nothing is growing the way it should. Farmers can't even put there crops in because it's too cold.

When I went shopping for my Annuals on Saturday, I saw so many frost bitten plants in the greenhouses. They must have taken a big loss. I was going to keep them in our garage, but I have them nestled in between the the shed in the back and some in my little mini half assed wicker greenhouse set up. But the mornings are still close to freezing. We just had a wild thunderstorm pass through here about three hours ago. I was at work, and the skies went..black and the wind picked up big time... and I was really afraid all my stuff would be scattered around the back yard when I got home. But, the shed and the garage kept them out of harms way. Pheww.... that would have been costly.

Other than that...I have nuttin...except to say Happy Birthday to my ever lovin niece "Lisa"... and Gord's best buddy. Thanks for stopping in on Sunday kiddo!



This is her birthday drink of choice...and mine.

I'm a gardening fool

I spent the major portion of the afternoon and evening hurting myself. Apparently, I have been walking on rugs, concrete, and icy walkwalks for 6 months. I forgot to switch to an uneven lawn with tree roots sticking up 9 inches. I did a face here, I did a face plant there, and everywhere I did a face plant!

At one point, I thought...as I face planted in a pile of dog shit, "why the hell bother getting up." This all there is. This is what life gives you after all these years. Laying in a pile of dog shit.

Part of it could be .. I'm walking like a bow legged cowboy. I spent the major portion of the day cleaning out my pond. I smell like pond scum...let me tell you. I'm rancid. Nothing smells like decay more than a whole bunch of leaves rotting in the bottom of a pond...nothing. Then I had to clean up whole garden. Oh my.

I am a office worker, an admistrative assistant if you must know, and I'm not used to bending down and picking stuff up, unless someone in the office drops some money on the floor. Other than that I don't do shit. And after 6 months of winter I am totally out of shape. Today however, there was so much shit to pick up and to dispose of, my " pick up" went to "park my ass."

I bought all my annual flowers yesterday. But it's still way to cold to plant them. I was working out in the garden with my fleece hoodie. It was cold.

I took a good look around the back 40 today, and am very disappointed. We have 5 trees that are dead. Two were dead last year, but you couldn't really see it because the other trees covered them up....but now it's time to get someone in and take them down.

My husband, ever the optimist( and cheap) said ..well I'll get out the chain saw (his father's.. probably made in 1945) and cut the trees down. ( I don't think it has a chain guard on it), and looks and sounds like a war machine. I think my Lutheran is still a "little more German" than I would like to think. Vat is next...after he gets a taste of the trees...the neighbours? Gott im Himmel!

I'm getting soft

I'm starting to collect all this crap for my pond. If someone would have told me I would have this stuff around my house 20 years ago, I would have told them to take a pill.

It's surprising how you begin to mellow over the years. I used to cut off teddy bear paws just to see little kids cry. My, I have come a long way. Do I hear clapping? Well, I didn't cut them off when they were looking...it was an accident. sort of.

Some wine was involved. But to my defense ...the very next day I sewed them back on.

So, can see I have come a long way.

Kid's used to drive me crazy in the old days.... I loved my nieces and nephews and at the same they.drove.me.crazy. They were so needy. awww yeah..they were little kids! I didn't see it that way, I guess because I never had any.... these little boogers were freaking loud. And they never quit TALKING! Get three of them in a room and it made your ears bleed. Then the fights..oy. It only got worse when they got older. But, I never gave up, I spent a lot of time with them when they were young. Especially the three I am talking about..on Gord's side of the family of course.

My own two nieces were angels. heh. Hi Lisa and Cheri!

I remember one time when I took out the "other three" camping with their mom's. I was hell bent on making sure these kids would behave on this trip (yes, we had gone on a few before this) ..I had set out chores for everyone to do. Little did I know, nobody listened to me. Meal time was a nightmare....I don't like this..I don't like that! Does it have onion in it? Does it have mushrooms in it, does it have FOOD in it? Ferfucksakes...kids, help me out here. The mom's scrambled around trying to pacify them. I sat a shook my head. WTF. Then the fighting. Yes, the kids did have a good time swimming and stuff, and some fishing, and back to fighting and trying to light the campsite on fire. Just kid stuff.

On the way home...we decided to stop in a little restaurant near the camp and have something to eat before we headed home. WRONG. Now this was just a little snack place where you could order chicken, burgers and fries. Every kid, could not agree to what was included in their order. And negations they made with the moms was nuts...I don't like that, I hate that. My brain was just about as fried as the chicken by the time we got out of there. And they had few melt downs to boot. Ahem, they were tired. Yeah, so was Auntie Joanie balonie...very tired.

Three days, three kids, and moms and me.....I was pissed!

They basically ran the whole show.

So, on the way home...I will never forget this. All three of them were in the back seat and I was driving. Two girls and one boy. Yes, that makes three. All around 7-9 years old. They started to fight with each other...again. There was all the..."kid's cut it out shit" happening, but they didn't...I guess BECAUSE THEY WERE TIRED... they weren't babies...they were being asshole kids.

So, I took matters into my own hands, because I "had it up to here" ... So I looked at both the mom's ..got there attention...because they couldn't or wouldn't stop the fighting..and said quietly that I would put an end to this.

I slammed on the brakes...that got their attention....and then I told all three of them to GET OUT. They didn't seem to know what I was saying...I said..you kids have ruined our vacation with your fighting and I want you to get out of my car NOW and walk home. Crying ensued. Promises were made to stop fighting.

It was a very peaceful trip back home after that.

Auntie Joanie balonie...needed some respect...and she got it.

Just a note: this was not a new tactic...my dad did that a lot of times when bro and I were fighting in the backseat of the car...that road looks lonely if you have to walk it.

No more ants in my pants

But I can't stop looking at the floor. Things still look like they are moving. But they are not, or maybe they are? NO! Those suckers freaked me out. It started on Saturday when I was washing the kitchen floor, and I took up the mat in front of the patio doors and a whole bunch of ants started to scurry around. I thought it was because I had the patio door open for the (queen) uh.. dog to come in and out as she pleased as she was airing out her tiara. So, I started to do a "happy dance" trying to step on as many as I could. I should have been wearing my "man" slippers because they are broader than the flip flops I was wearing and I would have killed them in a happy dance second. But as it was, I was doing the stomp. I thought I got them all.

So, I vacuumed under all the baseboards, the fridge and stove, my hair and everything I could put the nozzle to. Now in hindsight, I should have followed them to see how they were getting in .. and out of the house with all my furniture tucked in their teenie weenie little jaws. I saw one coming out from under the fridge with a mouth full of fridge lint. What on earth would they want with dirty old fridge lint? They didn't take the old wrinkled up frozen peas that had fallen under it...nor the small little Barbie purse one of the kids lost here at Christmas. They were after my lint. Bastards.

But theoretically, if I could have contained them to one specific area they would have made my spring cleaning much easier. Take 30,000 lint carrying ants and let them loose in your kitchen for a day. Then when it looks clean enough, herd them out, slap em on the thorax, high five em, and give them their immigration papers.

But instead I killed about 100 ants who may have just come to Canada on a special work permit visa. I know they looked like they were very hard working, and now I feel bad.

However I killed them humanely .. all I had in the house was that Safers Soap insecticide

Well that was sort of bad, not bad enough. One ant was sitting on my hair brush in the bathroom..yeah, there is a little hair lint in there, but before I tossed him in the sink and turned on the tap, I asked him if he had his water wings on...but before he could answer I set him adrift.

Let's not even talk about the the bumble bee the size of a "hub cap" that flew in while queen Penny was resting quietly on the deck...making sure I had the screen door open for her convenience. This was no ordinary bee, this was your spring BUMBLE BEE, who mean business.

I was still in the middle of Ant Stomping when this guy flew in. He/she was so loud I thought it was a buzz saw. Of course then I started to flail about doing the stomp/flail dance..until I saw him land on a small portion the the screen door that wasn't closed.

Bees are stupid. Normally I would go up to a bee and put a jar over top of them, catch and release them outside. This one had the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.......He kept on going up and down the full length of the screen door. Making a noise like a motor boat. He WAS mad. There is a little lip on the door...and if that stupid asshole would have just taken one of his bee paws and stepped out a little bit to the right, he would have been outside. I had to do an intervention... I got out the old jam jar and was going to trap him......he saw me...then he suddenly put out his furry little bee paw and climbed on the lip of the door and motored away. like it was his own idea...The last I seen of him was when he was trying to get pollen from all those phony flowers I have in my planters on the deck.

I closed the screen door after that, because that was what probably made him so pissed of to begin with. Nothing makes a bee madder than phony flowers. Then I made the Queen, and her Tiara come in, because someone was going to get hurt out there.

I managed to kill all the ants with the only big gun I had, and that was the Safer Soap I used for the plants last week. Who knew ants didn't like a good washing. I killed them organically. I feel so much better now. I must be the only person on earth that doesn't have a can of RAID around.

Now I have to get down on my old hands and knees and wash all that soap crap scum off of all my baseboards, walls, and windows.

But they are gonezo. Plus I put duct tape on the two cracks where they were coming in. It was a gateway. They found a place to get in from the deck into the patio door, then found a little teenie crack into the house from there, and came in through the baseboards. They had already established an olympic sized running track under the step of the patio door to the other side of it and went under the fridge and brought of fridge lint like it was cotton candy. We need more people ants in society...these guys figured this all out in one day!

I tried to post yesterday, but blogger was having a little PMS...or you Americans just came off your long weekend and tried to post...ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Shame on you. You bumped the Canucks! So quit waving your damn flags.

We now own a Ant Farm

This has been our first weekend of good weather since last October. I actually shed my hoodie. My second skin, my pacifier.

But, there was not too much to do in my little pond garden except clean up last years dried up foliage. The perennials are still only shooting out of the ground, so I didn't put in any extra annuals yet. For, tomorrow it could snow. I spent most of the day searching for all my pond people, and all the stuff I boxed up last fall for the garden. I put it all away in the sheds out back. Gord, apparently re-arranged everything. Between tripping over his motorcycle, garden tractor, and garden hoses, I managed to find a few things. But, I don't trust the weather just yet so we won't be turning on the outside taps just yet. The trees are not even in full leafage yet. Is that a word? I don't think so.

What I did do was buy another water feature for my garden...that makes three so far. Don't be surprised if I don't electrocute myself.


It's the one on the left...with all the fake flowers in it. I just put them in there to be able to visualize what real flowers look like. It's still too early around here. It's really cute. It will be going down to the garden once everything is warm enough. The fake pump is on top ..along with the the bowl filled with water that comes out the pump spout. The bottom is just a nice place to put some annuals in. The one beside it..again filled with fake flowers ...just so I could visualize it.. is three tiers of containers. This one and another I bought one will stay on the deck. I like that container, you can plant a whole bunch of different plants, some will be vines, others will be begonias, etc. Our deck if very shady so I have to stick to the shade lovers. It even has wheels on it. So I can move it around, if I want to. It will be very heavy once I get all the dirt in there. Thankyou to the wheel inventor.

I put Penny's ball in there, because the sound of the water dripping from that height made me want to pee. With the ball in there, it was a kinder and more gentle sound.

So, the yard is still a work in process, it's butt ugly, but give it a month and it should be in full bloom. Fuck I hate this place. You barely get out the summer stuff and you gotta stick it back in the shed for winter. And this was a winter from hell. Or? I'm getting older and tired of wasting 6 months a year of my life wearing a hoodie and a parka.

I used to laugh at people that went to Arizona for the winter (Snowbirds...we call them) retired folks who don't want to deal with this shit. Well, the last laugh is one me. But I will never trundle off to AZ and rent a condo and play scrabble with a bunch of senior citizens whose moles are getting larger by the minute as they sit in the sun. I would rather go to British Colombia and get the best of both worlds. Hardly any snow, a little rain, some sun...and the whole place smells like cedar. The last time I was in Vancouver, I could smell cedar everywhere, even in the parking lot of a 7-11. I would love to ditch this place and move to Vancouver...very very much.

That was my dad's dream too. He and Mom were going to retire in Kelowna BC. But, fiances didn't let that happen. My nephew lives there, he lives the dream. I envy him. It is the most beautiful place on earth....the mountains, the steams it's all there.

But, I am dreaming, I still have my own "fish to fry"...today I discovered ANTS in my house. Those little bastards should be ready for war because I'm ticked off. Last week I discovered little "hopper" looking bugs in my indoor plants. I can't kill them. Every time I water the plants they come hopping up out of the soil ...and I see them flying around. GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE. i no like bugs. I tried Safer soap..but these bugs are laughing at me! They are just in the soil not on the leaves...and then every once in while they come to visit us in the kitchen. Anyone got a solution?

I got a ham in the oven, and some scalloped potatoes brewing. Time to get it all together before the ANTS and GNATS get it!! AND TAKE OVER OUR WHOLE HOUSE.

Note: After supper we found where the ants were coming in. So I guess I can turn off my caps! Unless they are back tomorrow.

So.. bye

My Southern Belles Brenda, Sally and Donna

I sure had fun sparing with you yesterday... I'm so glad you can take a joke.

But while you were so busy y'alling, eating grits, and shining Master Ashley's boots, I was making time with Rhett.........and fiddle dee dee if you don't like it. He likes me best.

Cop outs

Sally said...

HAHAHAHA

Okay, a little bird told me: It was Donna~~bye bye~~I'm so glad I got here first~~~~:)

6:34 PM

Brenda said...

It's about slippers isn't it? Or else I'm dumb as a brick as usual.

Donna said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaaaa...OMGOD!!! SALLY GIRL!!!!! SHAME ON YOU!! You're BOTH little TARTS!!HAhahahaa....God, I needed this!!! But it STILL WUDDEN ME!!!Hahaaaa.....nitwits!!!
xxoo

7:34 PM

Donna said...

PS-Brenda!!! IT WAS BRENDA!!!Hahaaaa

Joan said...That Sally, she was a wee bit quick to blame it on Donna ...and bolted out of here like some dog was biting her ass. She is still high on my suspect list.

Donna seemed innocent enough in her comments...I forgave her for calling me a nitwit....until she came back and blamed it on poor Brenda. Who thought we were talking about slippers!

Donna might be right...Brenda was probably trying to dupe me by letting me think she was dumb as a brick...yet on the other hand she was "playing dumb".. to throw me off the track.

I'm going to bed now, but don't think anyone of you are getting away with this. uh uh

I think I have sniffed them out...........

Donna said...

Hahahaaaa....well...WUDDEN ME!!Hahaa...cute! Happy sleep sweetie!hughugs

Sally said...

Not me either. I was looking again at your picture with your brother; you remind me of someone~maybe the little girl who played Laura Ingalls in Little House on the Prairie. I mean that in a nice way, of course you're much prettier. :)

Joan said...

Isn't it funny that both Donna and Sally doth protest a little too much? It's one of them I'm sure of it now.

Notice how Sally was telling me how pretty I was...just to steer me off the path.

Notice how elusive Donna was trying to get me to go to sleep. What's next? A cyber sleeping pill..Donna? I think not.

.........................................

Both of you better be sleeping with one eye open, because I'm on to the both of you.

Teach you for messing with a Canuck. heh

Very funny...okay who sent this?

CONFESS!

Robbing the cradle

American Idol:

Adam Lambert...you little scoundrel...come to mamma! heh

What the hell just happened here? Did some of my long lost hormones find there way back home?

I thought they were in the landfill.

Apparently, one or two made it back out and found their way back home.

All kidding aside..them damn kids did fine and their momma's can be assured I'm not stalking their babies.


These are the bad boys that tripped me up the other day.

I must have been standing on my head to take this picture..I don't know why it turned out this way. I didn't turn the camera around or anything. Anyway, you can see the lips on the manly slippers of doom. We officially broke up. I tried to wear them again yesterday and almost broke my dot com. No one likes a broken link.

Vegans...alert.
What to see something really gross? My supper. I loves me some "Raisin Chicken." I grew up eating it. I may have shown this before....if not this is today's fixings.

It's a whole cut up(skinned) chicken..browned and smothered in raisins and some chicken stock...(salt& Pepper) and left to simmer for about an hour. (covered) I had to put a little more water in it later because it started to get dry when I took the picture. It's makes the most sweetest sauce. I usually serve it with rice or boiled potatoes. Just a mennonite recipe if you are interested. It's really good with creamed corn...ahhhh. And a nice roll to sop up all the juices. My mother never skinned the chicken, we just used to call the raisin sauce drippings (grease gravy).. god it was good. and greasy. But that's the way we used to roll. But the cleaned up non greasy version still tastes very good.

I took my Penny for her first walk since last April tonight. She has been doing so good lately, I just couldn't deny her one anymore. She needs to sniff other dog shit..it's like "crack" to a dog..and she just needs to be outside the perimeter of our back yard, big as it is.

We did a short walk, but she was pretty pooped by the time we got home. I sure hope I didn't mess anything up with her bum leg. I don't care anymore, if she's only got a limited time left, she may as well be happy. But, so far it's all good.

May Long Weekend

Yes, I changed it up again. Shut up.



Thank you Lord! And Queen Victoria...happy birthday to you by the way. Sorry I didn't get you a gift or send a card. Your gift was to me....a day off work! You rock Victoria.

I have spent the major portion of the day falling down. And not on purpose.

Yesterday I went shopping for "slippers"...yeah old lady slippers to wear around the house. My old one's were shot. I went to three ..count them (3) freaking stores and nobody sells slippers (indoor footwear) as I like to call them... in May. In winter the stores have a ton of them. Do people suddenly NOT wear indoor footwear in summer? What's the deal?

When I approached an associate at one of the stores asking for directions to the "indoor footwear" section, she guided me to regular "footwear" section. I had been there 40 times already and had not found a fuzzy slipper anywhere in sight. I dutifully followed her and we went in circles for about 10 minutes. Suddenly she gasped "well where did they go". Got me Sherlock! Finally she found one pair on a end rack. They were a fuzzy high style in pink with polka dots. Size 6.

I declined ...politely, and as we were leaving that area, I saw the men's section had hundreds of indoor footwear displayed. She left me at that point, and I decided to peruse the men's selection of indoor footwear. I still don't get it, why were all the women's indoor footwear GONE..and the men had a shit pile of them? Do more women pad around in ugly slippers than men? Or, did those women not buy their husbands comfortable indoor footwear for Christmas. Those bitches. That is the only conclusion I can come to.

Okay, so I'm in the men's section and desperate because I want a pair of soft slippers, but durable enough to let me walk outside the house or in the back yard. Like, I'm not going to switch shoes for every time I have to go in and out. I just needed slippers that had a rubber sole and were soft. Yes, I said soft, because I have delicate feet.

So, I started looking at the men's slippers...they were quite intimidating, firstly because of their size. I wasn't looking for cute..I was looking for durable and comfortable, and if it meant a man's indoor footwear..so be it. I tried on a few pair, and it was a clown show. Until I found one pair that might of been made for a very little man. You know what they say about the size of men's feet in comparison to there dinks..this pair was made for just that kind of guy...now, no wonder someone didn't buy him these for Christmas!! It would have just added insult to injury.

I tried them on. Well, jeepers creepers if they didn't fit...they were a little manly looking, but hey were black and fairly unobtrusive looking. But what I didn't count on until I took them home is they have the sole of the slipper rounded up along the front of it. In short there is a lip. A lip that makes you trip. That little lip has almost put me in the ER twice today.

I love scatter rugs.. I have them everywhere. Guess where the lip of that slipper met every time I came near one?. I have been doing a balancing act all day. But, hey..did I take them off..NO. About a half hour ago I went into the back yard to play with the dog. You see where this is going? ..... the dog went a little crazy with the playing and all, and my right foot came a little too close to my left foot and I stepped on that little teeny weenie LIP of the the other slipper and down I went like a sack of rocks. So, I guess that's 9.99 up my ass. Ouch.

I thought about giving them to Gord, because he is a man and could use manly slippers, but then that just would mean one more 911 call. He already cut his head this afternoon while cleaning up the back 40. He hit it on a eaves spout (I think he needs glasses) and I had to pour peroxide on it. Then earlier this morning he found his high blood pressure pill in front of the toilet? He asked me...ME..how it got there. Well, hell how would I know? I don't throw his pills in the bathroom and expect him to find them. (maybe I should it might be fun to watch) . I put them in a little pill container with all the dates on it. So, after a lot of "maybe this..maybe that's" We came upon an agreement that he probably dropped it when he was taking his pills. YOU THINK. So, I said...well, eat your pill. He said I'm not eating a pill that's been in front the toilet. I told him he was the only one in the bathroom at the time, and if he pissed beside the toilet, it was only his germs. He cleaned the pill off and ate it. So, I guess he was fairly confident that he didn't piss beside the toilet. I wish his mother was still alive...so I don't have to be her anymore.

Pot roast for supper.....Donna had pot roast yesterday, and it made me hungry for it today. Mine sort of looks a little ugly...but it was in hour one...it had 2 more hours to go.

Some one is looking forward to pot roast. Schlrrrpppp! Little fat ass

Does anyone have some lady slippers for sale or rent..I have 50 cents?

I had to park my Harley

It's raining "biker chicks" out there. Time to get out the Farking Ark....fortheloveofmike.

Gord has been giving me the gears lately about not wanting to ride with him on his bike. He thinks this is the year I should ... at the least...go for a spin around the block. Yeah... well I been been spinning around his block for 40 years and I don't trust him. I'm pretty sure I don't want to have fun on the open road. He drives faster than I do. YES...over 60 miles per hour. He, unlike me has no fears about driving, he just cranks it up and lets all three of his hairs fly in the wind. (well they would if he wasn't wearing the helmet). Anyhoodle.. I have at least 10,568 hairs I would like to preserve for a later date instead of getting knocked off a bike, and smearing my skull on a pile of gravel beside the road. I have to think about my nieces. And when the time comes when they take a husband and marry. I must look nice for the weddings. A face transplant and a wig aren't doing it for me.

So far, the nieces aren't playing fair. Yes, they have each "captured" somewhat suitable "live ins", but as far as weddings go...I can't see it yet. So, perhaps I shouldn't worry about my hair and getting "thee ole raisin perm"just yet... for the event. My mom got a perm before every wedding so this is what is interred in my bones.

So, I got to thinking tonight perhaps it's not my time to get the "raisin perm" just yet... I think the girls are just giving me enough time to "hop on a bike" .... fall off of it...and get healed before they take a husband.

I don't have any "leathers"....like a good biker should have. I have a nice leather winter parka. Would I look out of place on that? It doesn't have "gang" signs on it, but it has a nice hoodie. Perhaps that might be a little warm in summer. Other than that all I have is jeans and hoddie sweat shirts and pants. I NEED a suit of Armour All. Gord could just spray me down before we go, and I would be invincible. I would live to see my nieces weddings!

I was talking to my niece on Facefuckingbook last night just after she posted a poem by Rudyard Kipling.."If". I told her I had recited the same poem in high school at a Speech Arts Festival and I came in third because the judges said they didn't think I "grasped" the poem. Well hell no, I YELLED "IF" after every paragraph...god I am still so embarrassed. Then I went on to tell her that I only got the poem much later in life. Today she posted a message which said
"Life is too short to worry about the small shit. He just says it better! ;-)"

Like I didn't know that!...I hope she never takes a husband, that will be just one less "raisin perm" I will have to endure. Damn kids. Way to smart for their "thongs."

So, it comes back down to this, will I ride this summer or not? Last year when I decided not to go I made Gord a tee shirt....just so people would know why he was riding alone.

The year before I made this shirt I found one on the internet...but it said "If you can read this ..the bitch fell off"..and I laughed until I peed my old lady panties.. but people were upset with me..I thought it was so much funnier than the "wife." Anyway, Gord never wore it last year, but if I'm not going to ride this year...HE IS GOING TO WEAR IT. It took a lot of ironing to put those letters on there. I slaved away at a hot ironing board and want to get satisfaction of people laughing at him when he's having a good time. The "Irony."

See, it should say Bitch on that tee shirt!

I had a problem last night

Workout from Joan on Vimeo.

Vimeo was posting all my videos, and I only wanted to them to post just ONE. I kept on telling them all the rest of them were private...but all the rest kept on coming back up. I tinkered until I was stinkered. There is nothing really private about the others, but they are just junk and just shit I took. I didn't want to bore anyone, so I spent until midnight last night trying to get them off.

Or maybe just I can see all the other one's..........can you?

Finally around midnight, suddenly I had 9,567 windows popping up and I couldn't stop them, it was like a tornado.....and it shut me down. So, I did a reboot, checked Norton in case it was a virus, and it wasn't, so I went back into my blog and just deleted it. My peepers were tired.

So, yeah I made a video. heh.... My staging area was the landing at the front door, and you have to take a step down that leads into the living room. I placed the camera on top of the second level. And be damned it the dog didn't hear me talking to the camera, (she was on the deck) and thought there was someone at the front door.....she totally stole my thunder and lost her cool...that little bitch.

I wore the motorcycle helmet because I perceived beforehand that "no good" could come of this in the first place. I was right. Stepping up and down in a worn pair of slippers is not the best workout plan one could make. So here it is again...and don't watch all the other crap of me taking pictures of birds and talking to them..because you will think I am a bag lady.

Who knew if you deleted a blog, shit would still show up in the readers...or whatever. Nothing is sacred in the internets I guess.

My next workout should be a little bit more organized. I just did this on a dime...and had no time.

I had this really neat idea

Now, you know there is trouble ahead don't you. I'm going to make a weekly or bi-weekly video(depending on time restraints) of my fitness routine. I work out every Saturday. By work out I mean cleaning the house. It's gotta count for something! I don't have all the fancy workout clothes, i pods, yoga mats, etc. but I will improvise.

I didn't pay 125.00 bucks for that little video camera for nothing. Let's put it too good use shall we. But I do have a stair master... meaning all four freaking levels of my house. Think recession people and make do with what you have. Why should I go to the gym and pay them for what I already do. I know what you are thinking... most people go to the gym at least 3 times a week.....yeeeah...but my house only needs cleaning once a week, so what is your point?

I have all my workout gear check list ready to go:

• Find your aerobic santa pants...done

• Get out the boom box ... because I don't own a i pod. I will do my workouts with it perched on my shoulder for a better cardio. Note to self: Watch for the extension cords on the boom box because ..hey..you could trip on it or electrocute yourself. Good thinking... Done.

• Look for a yoga mat. Do bathroom floor mats count?..if so...Done

• Sweatband for the forehead..so you can see what you are doing after all that working out...well it's a funny thing, I don't sweat UP there. My ass sweats. Dogs pant when they sweat, my ass sweats when I'm hot. Ummm.. hot as in doing my workouts...just so's you know. Sooo... I might just have to get a giant Kotex pad for that sweaty crack in my ass. I will be wearing Santa pants so that giant piece of lumber will not show on the video. I hope. Because deep down I am still a lady. I will borrow one (um, I don't think she would want it back) from one from my neighbours who still has hormones...Done.

• Check my life insurance policy ..Done....Gord gets nothing if I kill myself making a video pretending to do aerobics..

• I love these bullets. How come I never noticed them before. Done.
  

Okay, who the hell sent this to me?

I decided to junk this baby up

A underwater theme...sort of. If you will.

The text margins are a little narrow, but I don't know how to widen them without loosing the bubbles. I just couldn't resist playing around with another "free" template.

So, I'm on a roll. I'm BACK!

We just had the back 40 cleaned up. And holy moly, it is lovely. They did a wonderful job.

I was not looking forward to cleaning it all up ... never again will I have to, because I love them. I'm sure it would have killed me this year...it's just too much work.

Forecast for this week: rain tomorrow, rain the day after, and possible snow flurries on Friday, well "fudge" ...seriously ridiculous.

The good news Allison on American Idol stole my heart today with her rendition of Janis Joplin's "Cry Baby".... and here I was just bitching about my aching body and she had me up dancing like the ole days... and I flicked my bic! And I scared the dog. I'm a dancing machine.

I agreed though, she should have done something by Jefferson Airplane..Gracie Slick.."Don't you want somebody to love"...or "White Rabbit" ...she's got the voice for it.

30 minutes later: My left ankle gave out, and I may have set the house on fire by flicking my bic and all the dancing. Call 911.

Nevermind ... Gord came home and found me before the fire department got here. All is well.

I am determined to keep on rocking...maybe in a chair...fortheloveofmike. heh.

Just shitting...I'm still downloading old Jefferson Airplane tunes I forgot about.

I love Grace Slick (as far as I am concerned she WAS Jefferson Airplane.)

Yeah...I'm still an old rocker....in her chair with an ice pack on her ankle.

PS... if I could only move the text part over a wee bit and reduce the blue margins it would look so much better...any suggestions...I know...here I go again!

I was just sitting here editing my blog and listening to the news on TV. Apparently a homeless person saved a kid from drowning after he fell off a bridge. The major of our city was so impressed he gave him seasons tickets to the Goldeyes (our baseball team).

Huh...???the guy probabaly lived under the bridge...wouldn't the logical thing to do is GIVE HIM SOME PLACE TO LIVE??? ..tickets to a baseball game??? WTF?? I'm really pissed off. I will get to the bottom of this news story tomorrow.

Something stinks...

Pooters is fine

He spent a restful night.....after I found the OFF button. He was looking a leeetle bit deflated at one point. After all how much gas can one gnome pass...(say that 50 times really fast)!

He isn't really light sensitive...as it thought..he is sensitive to movement. That makes more sense. I found that out today when I was trying to get him to "fart" while I was taking a video. I really wanted to share...with the internet... the sounds that can come out of a truly fine looking gnome made out of plastic. I put him on the patio table, got out my video gear, and that little bastard would not fart. He was in broad daylight! So, I re-read the instructions and it said he was motion sensitive. Well, pardon me, I guess my bifocals were on the wrong side of my head yesterday. I put them there because I got a haircut from hell and I didn't want to see my sheep shorn head ever AGAIN. Nevertheless, yes, he farts when you walk past him, OR unless you have the movie camera going...then he does not. You have no idea how frustrated I was trying to get him to fart for the movie. I tried moving the table, walking past him...and every freaking time I turned off the camera...he farted. That sonofabitch.

I had him on the kitchen table this morning while he was still in his box, and we were having lunch, and holy moly, he starting making noises...I'm laughing, Gord is gagging...begging me to find the OFF switch. Real farting really bothers me, but fake farting brings out another part of me. It's probably the "no smell factor."

Anyway, he will be a good addition to the rest of the pond people this summer. He has a way about him that will carry him through.

He loves doing the happy dance, so he should liven up the crew of green alligators, and long necked geese. Lets not forget the fake frogs, fish, bunnies and ..yes a fake cat. Fortunately none of these critters poop around my pond, but now I have one that fake farts.

And when the summer winds blow across my back yard, and neighbours have their windows wide open...I have a treat for them.

This is the end of the farting tales...but I did see on the box that his real name is Hans, and you can collect Knees, Boomps and Daisy as well.. the farty foursome ...Awesome.

I have no shame.

It's late

Had friends over tonite...

But just to let you know..Poot... is home! He is still in his carrier...ahem.. because he has problems... and
...just to let you know...he is light sensitive.... I DID NOT KNOW THAT. while I was carrying him out of Giant Tiger.. he farted all the way out to the parking lot. I am not making this up...he really did. I couldn't get in my truck fast enough.

More of this very sad part of my life tomorow...

It's all about farting and when will I ever grow up

I making two little square pizza's tonight..pannini pizza's but in the the oven. Philly Cheese Steak Pizza's. Steak pieces with, mushrooms, green pepper and onion. Topped with provolone, mozzarella and white cheddar. Don't try this at home, because I am still in the experimental stages. The base is mushroom soup. Don't throw up just yet. It may work. It's all low fat..everything....so let's just see if I can pull a low fat Philly Cheese Steak Pizza off. We used to order them all the time, when we were plumper. And this is one thing I really missed. The rest I can live without. I never have been to fond of the tomato sauce in most pizza's...most were very harsh. I loved the white sauce in the Philly cheese we used to order, but didn't know how to replicate it. I know I could just make a boring ole white sauce and try to flavour it up..but being the lazy ass I am, I went and Campbelled it up and mixed in a little low fat Parmesan cheese, oregano, basil and garlic powder.

It's only a matter of time before I break down and order a real pizza..it's been two years, two month's and 4 days. But who's counting.

I had the most unusual experience today at "Giant Tiger"...my favorite junk store. As you might know I am fond of "pond ornaments" or as I call them my "pond people" ...and yes, I likes my little gnomes. WELL, today when I went into Giant Tiger what did to my eyes appear.....Farting Garden Gnomes!! I shit you not! I could not believe my eyes. They were all lined up in boxes each one different from the other with little "press me here..to hear me fart" signs. Well, I pressed them all! OMG...you would think some little dinky noise would come out of their tiny gnome asses, but those little bastards just stunk up the place, they were LOUD...I was so embarrassed I had to leave and walk around the display to the other side in case someone was thinking I was responsible for ripping them off. So, I wandered around the store for awhile, and could not get my mind off of them. Yeah, I put a few things in my cart that I needed...but I was still very...very compelled to go back to the farting gnomes and press the "fart me" sign again.

So I did. My Lord.....this one gnome... just kept on farting....and finally I had STOP IT AND GO HOME...because I was killing him ....either he:

..didn't have any gas left in him
..or his battery went kaput

I don't want to kill any gnomes, that wouldn't be fair. And I feel very, very sad tonight, because I didn't pull out 14.99 cents to take him home with me. It was obvious to me NOW, that he was putting on a show for me and wanted to be one of my Pond People. What never occurred to me before I left him on the shelf, was he could scare off all those MF'ng crows in my backyard with one big ole long and loud greasy fart. The store opens tomorrow at 9:00. I will be there to pick him up and bring him home to the pond with all the pond rats.

What should I name him?

Fart Face
Air head...no that wouldn't work...hmm..wrong end
Flat U lence
Poot
I'm liking Poot.

What do you think.?

That little fart will be sitting at my pond tomorrow...I'm so sorry I had to leave him on the shelf for one more night.

It's Friday night and am just so happy for the weekend. And pizza. And getting poot home tomorrow. He is very musical.