Apparently on Saturday I deleted my Friday post, it probably should have stayed in the garbage. I was messing around with a new post on Saturday and deleted my Friday's post instead. After reading it again, I am wondering if I was drinking fortified plum juice that night. I don't know. For anyone that has already made your way through it..."nevermind"...but I am keeping it for posterity, because every time I read it, I will know, drinking and blogging don't mix. If you look for the definition of asshole in the dictionary...I am sure you will see balonie written all over it.
Jam… Who doesn’t like homemade jam? I have had a plan to make Plum Jam with all the plums I have falling off my trees. I have my mother’s recipes, but alas, it takes ummm work. On Wednesday I heard on the radio that “Plum Jam” was coming to Winnipeg. Yes, the rock group. Well, the balonie brain starts a thinkin. I got me 4 big pails of plums that need a home, maybe if I went to the concert I could give them to their namesake.
I spent 80.00 bucks on tickets, loaded them up in the big horking van and was concert bound last night. I wasn’t quite sure what kind of music they played, but I was pretty confident they were a “gay” band, with the fruit name and all. When I got downtown to the MTS Centre, looking for a parking spot, I noticed the Marquee flashing up a sign saying “Pearl Jam”…playing here tonight. Hmm..Pearl? Typical stupid Winnipegers can’t even get the name of the band straight. I had to park about 15 miles away from the centre, as my big horking van would not fit in underground parking; thus making the trek there a little laborious whilst carrying 4 pails of plums.
I managed, with two pails in each hand. Got to the ticket counter and was asked by security about the plum pails I was totting. I said, I’m here to give “Plum Jam” a treat. Before I could say “Jack Sprat”, I was in handcuffs. Well, lordyluvarockstar…I was doing these guys a favour, and I’m being punished! They frisked me, made me stand with my hands against the wall, and were going through all my pockets. Unfortunately for them, I had some plums tucked away in my pocket, for my rocking night out snack …which I had plumb forgot about ..and that’s when the cops got some squishy plum nectar on them. The buggers called the bomb squad….oh my… They questioned my bic lighter in my pocket along with the plums, and I explained to them…everyone who goes to a rock concert has one, because if you like the band…you light your lighter and sway to the music. They were having none of that. Gol Dam It…now I was getting mad. The pails of plums were getting warm and all the fruit flies were coming out and flying all around my face while I was waiting for the bomb squad. Finally they show up, they make me lie down flat on the floor and frisk me again!! Hey, balonie don’t mind a little friskin…but these guys don’t’ know the meaning for foreplay…nope, they don’t. After about an hour of interrogation and plum jokes, I was let go. I asked if I could go in and see the rest of the show, and they said I could, but I couldn’t bring in the plums, as they were holding them until they could be tested . I was plumb out of luck.
I walked back into the MTS Centre, and heard such a racket….who were these people? ..screaming and a yelling? Apparently, it was Plum Jam. I walked up to the front, just to get a better view of my heroes, and was suddenly picked up by 20-30 people and they had me sliding around in their arms and over the audience…chanting Plum, Plum.Plum….How did they know I was the plum lady? They carried me around for 10 minutes, until I asked to be put down. I wanted to meet my heroes. But, alas the concert was over, they walked off the stage, the lights went up and it was all over.
I walked out dejectedly, holding on to nothing, as my plum pails were confiscated …and walked to my big horking van. I got my keys out, and was just about to open the door, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was Eddie Vedder, he saw me in the crowd and wanted me to know that the police had informed him of the plums I wanted to give and was so grateful. I thanked him, and asked him why he named his group “Peal Jam” instead of “Plum Jam” ..and you know what he said….get this…”It was just the Grunge talking when we started.” Now that I have met you “balonie”, I think we will start doing more good old rock and roll, and forget all that yelling we do on stage that you can’t hear, and rename the group “Plum Jam”……….well glory be!!!
I looked at him in shock, then I says to him, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, …for you I will make a 100 jars of jam next year..AND… if the police give me back my plums, maybe a I can rock up a jar or two for ya ta go.. I’m cool.
Eddie gave me a peck on the cheek to say goodbye (which one I’m not telling)…
So it goes in the grunge world.
Who woulda thought I would be a groupie at my age…….but I am…
Well, I’m all plumb tuckered out….of punning…