Monday, July 30, 2007

I am not alone

This afternoon while reading some of my blog fav's I came across one I haven't read for awhile

It hit me right square in my face. She is me, I am her. But much younger and a better writer.

Here is a small portion of what she wrote:

As anyone who knows me very well at all is keenly aware, I'm not a very sentimental person. I'm not much for sap, or overt emotional displays, or mushy proclamations of love and devotion. My tendency toward guardness -- in terms of both displaying and expressing my emotions, and opening myself up fully to others -- is something I'm actually actively working on with my therapist at the moment (along with trying to quiet the voices in my head urging me to kill David Hasselhoff... but that's another post entirely). At the end of my first session with her after starting up therapy again last month, my headshrinkess suddenly said to me -- in a manner that seemed apropos of nothing -- “You're very contained.” And at the time I puzzled over that statement a bit. I mean, don't I spend most of my time every single day writing and sharing my thoughts with the whole freakin' world?

But as it sunk in, I realized what she meant, and it honestly shook me a little. Because, of course, writing is a very controlled and contained act, an almost perfect platform of expression for someone who has, ahem, intimacy and trust issues. My sharing here is completely controlled and contained. By me. I decide what to reveal and what to hide, I decide how things are presented and how much I invest, and therefore how much I can, well, get hurt. But beyond the boundaries of the internet, that approach doesn't really work very well. As I'm realizing (like, duh).

(By the way, even writing those paragraphs feels almost a little too self-reveal-y to me, and I'm fighting the urge to go back and delete them. I mean, I can't admit to people that I'm screwed up just like everyone else on the face of planet earth, right? What would my neighbors think?) (blarrgh)

Anyway, the point is that unlike many of my fine, talented blogging compatriots, I rarely show The Feeling and The Love in the way it perhaps sometimes should be shown -- rarely dissolving into paroxysms of emotional purging, even when the situation absolutely calls for it.

But it's a new day today. And today? Today will be absolutely no different.

She is such a good writer.

This sums up my life. I hope she gets it together, but if she is anything like me, she will still guard her feelings forever. It's just something you can't give up. It may be the only control I have over my life, and no one can take that away. I don't know what makes me like this. I know I have almost lost my best friend "HippyChick" because I cannot connect the way she wants a best friend to connect. And thus far I haven't done sweet fuck all about it.

I live in a world all by myself. That is why I write about my imaginary horse friend Horace. Now, if that wasn't a stupid post, I don't know what was.

I find it very difficult to put myself out there. I can do it with Gord sometime, because we are like a comfortable pair of slippers, and even with him, I hold back because he has no clue on how I really feel, so there is no point in trying to explain something he cannot understand.

So, I don't feel so alone, I know there are others out there that are control freaks like me. Or just trying to protect themselves from shit before it happens.

Ask me a question. Let's see if I can actually tell you the truth. Feel free to "call" me on it if you think I'm skirting the issue.... and be very careful, because I am a pro at this, I probably could bullshit my way out of a barnyard... and never step in any of it.

Intervention anyone? heh?

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