Monday, January 21, 2008

Just call me a dink

I did a 2 hour post yesterday, including grammar and spell checking on my Cooking with Baloney site instead of my real blog. I have done that twice now. Blogger wouldn't let me copy and paste it back in this blog. I was so pissed, I almost went to the ER to beg for morphine. Instead I ate 4 chocolate turtles really fast, I just wanted the rush. They must have put some REAL turtle juice in those babies, because they went down so s l o w, I could feel their little feet climbing down my esophagus. Hmmmm ... climbing down, that doesn't sound right, if you climb you go up..right? Okay, they were slowly making there way down my esophagus in a orderly fashion. Once they got to the port of call eg. my stomach. They stopped, and held a meeting. Bastards. I could feel them arguing down there. Two of them wanted to come back "up" and the other two wanted to continue on the "tour de France." I was just hoping that they all would want to come back up, and didn't care how long it would take for the turtles to make that trek, because I could feel the dissension in my belly parts.

After about ten minutes, I still felt they had not come to any conclusion. Two wanted out, two wanted in. Fuck, I thought maybe I can flush all of them out. They would look pretty in pink wouldn't they? Then I downed a quart of Pepto Bismol. Oy.

Two of them made their way up, and the other two made there way down. Very quickly. Oh for a turtle to have a GPS locater chip in it's shell. But it was not to be. They both took different routes. Little hard shelled bastards. It was shit and puke time. SAPT. I really don't think the little cute chocolate baby turtles had anything to do with it, it was probably a bug I picked up when I was eating out of a dumpster at KFC yesterday. We haven't have KFC for a year now, since Gord had his incident...and I HAD to have a fried chicken fix. I had to fight two raccoons for a drumstick. I won.

Later:

Interesting how fast one can run to the can when they have to. Normally, I amble, but yesterday I did the "amble" in less than a second. Successfully I am proud to announce. Nothing hit the floor.

I'm thinking Olympics here people, should this ever become a sport. Let's look at the ramifications. People who are slower than the fastest Olympians, should have a AMBLE category for those that are not quite as fast as the ones on steroids. It might be boring to watch on TV, BUT as an AMERICAN...oops sorry I was just listening to CNN. Hilary was yelling, and typed that by mistake.

I think the Ambler can compete effectively. Ski on hills, not mountains, figure skaters should only skate to music by the Bee Gees, high jumpers could slowly jump over a dog, swimmers could swim like...you know, a turtle... slowly and do the turtle paddle. The list in endless. I don't know how I keep coming up with these ideas. It's a gift. Let's not forget about Curling, the national sport of Canada. I love Curling. They would not have to change anything. The sport is all about Amblying, you just pick up a rock and push it to the other end of the rink and hope to hit the sweet spot to win. Mind you, your team has to do a lot of sweeping, even though there is no dirt to sweep up. It seems a little.. how do you say? Stupid. However, every Amblyer should take up this sport.

I expelled the two turtles that wanted to come up, and I have them in a fish tank...not to worry. The other two, have sadly been flushed down. But I feel their spirit, every time my tummy spazes. I bid them a fond farewell.

Amblying along, singing a song.. side by side.

4 comments:

canuckabilly said...

Now I have to try and get ready for work with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Joan you are a hoot. I just love your blog and you too of course. Have a wonderful day.

Donna said...

Geez Joan...Hope you're feeling better today...seems lots of people are coming down with this stuff..stay warm...

Anonymous Mom said...

you are too funny, laughed out loud at this one, and the SOS pads post!

Brenda said...

I hope you're over the upchuck turtles and feeling fit now. Are you sure you weren't chasing them with a little of that "go juice"? As for KFC, that stuff gives me the back door trots too, I think they must fry it in black draught laxative oil.