Wednesday, January 31, 2007

ToiletTalk



When it's as cold as this, it's time to hibernate. Penny is so needy these days, she wants to get out to play, but ole man winter has got us socked in for the next week or so. I have hid her ball in the house 3,567 times, and she knows every hiding spot, and finds it within 2 minutes. Gawwwwd..then I have to do it again, and again and then once more. I can throw it out the door and into the backyard, but she runs out, finds it and within 2 seconds she is back at the door with all her little paws waving frantically in the air...okay already, let's stop the cycle!!

I have a lot of things to do this weekend. I am backlogged. My (you know the illness I don't want to talk about) has put my wifely duties on hold. The bathtub surround looks like something you would see in a frat house. The shower doors are accumulating a greenish hue at an alarming rate. And for some reason the flooring is lifting at the doorway. This of course makes for an interesting entrance at 7:30AM in the morning when I am ready to hit the shower. If I'm barefoot, it's okay, if I'm wearing my bunny slippers, it's not okay...they hook on the bottom of the tile and I tip. You have heard of "cow tipping", but you ain't seen nothing until you have seen balonie tipping. My left slipper catches the tile, the right slipper tries to compensate. The left slipper wins. I do a face plant into a wrought iron towel stand/magazine rack/junk collector and everything and everyone falls down.

Sometimes it even wakes Gordon up! But most of the time ..no. Personally, I find it very refreshing to give my body a good workout first thing in the morning. First with the face plant, a mild concussion, then with the arms who were trying to protect me from actually letting my big fat head from hitting the floor, then with the legs ..who were totally worthless, those fuckers totally let me down. But all in all, I used all my muscle groups in 2 seconds. Why, would I pay good money to go to a gym? All you need is a loose tile! I will be stiff, and bruised, but so would I be if I was in the gym. And I saved myself a whole shit load of money.

After the last workout I took the staple gun and tried to staple the two offending tiles back into the floor until I had time to get some glue. But, I made it worse.

It's time for a bathroom makeover. Everyone saw my ugly sink, and now with the tiles, it's time to take action. My nieces gave me a beautiful vase for Christmas..it's Debbie Travis piece. I love it. It's a lovely shade of brownie peach, and I'm going to work the whole bathroom around it. I'm thinking a chocolate brown feature wall, with a lighter shade on the rest...a new counter top...and last but not least, new tiles. And I might even lose the wrought iron crap I have in there and give it to someone who doesn't fall down as much as I do. That is my agenda for the new year in my bathroom.

This is my other bathroom wish list this year:

Number one..yes, I will still make number #1 in there

Number two .. well yeah, I will still make #2 in there, but I will make the toilet paper a little more accessible to the toilet. When one runs out of paper on the roll, it's very inconvenient to lift your fat ass off the toilet ..and get up and slink to the cabinet beside you and retrieve a new roll, because you know...you have just left a small, but visible drip of urine on the floor...just so you can wipe the shit off your ass. Sometimes I use the empty roll the get the pee off, before I do the toilet paper walk, and throw it in the garbage. Therefore making the last job a little less humiliating.

Number Three: I will try to have the rolls in a more accessable area, and within hands reach of the toilet. Thereby taking a proactive approach other than taking a reactive approach to the situation. Who knew I was so ..hmmm uber smart. I should be in a board room in a big corporation...And at my age yet!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Joan, #1, #2 and #3 - you are so funny! Those 3 numbers had me almost rolling on the floor with laughter! Your sense of humor is too much! Thanks for the great laugh tonight - I needed it! Patty

ellen said...

What you need for the top of your toilet tank is a lovely peach and brown Ukrainian-style crocheted spare roll cover with googly eyes and a hat and little dangly arms and legs. They're so attractive. I could get my sister-in-law to make you one...

Michelle said...

LOL Ellen. I still can't believe those little dolls used to be a trend. I know here is South Africa, they used a Barbie Doll (I think she would have been disgusted sitting on top of a toilet roll).

Bitter Betty said...

LMAO!! We have our extra T.P. in the laundry room. When you discover an empty roll after the biz has been done it's a trek to find more. You should see our carpet! Um...maybe you shouldn't.

Joan said...

Hiya Patty....don't shit yourself..heh..

....

Ellen..HAAA..I know the one you mean!! They used to scare me shitless, so no need for the spare roll!!

....

Michelle...I can't believe they didn't have a have a Barbie Doll Toilet set. But of course Ken would have had a urinal to stick his pretend penis in.

Betty!...luv your blog..
People, check her blog!

You might want to keep some kleenex on hand, and let me tell you..when that is your asswipe of choice...most of it gets on your hand.

Now, I off to make fun of Special K, because she doesn't have a working computer, thus makes her a sitting duck. Kick them when they are down is my motto. j/k...I loves her.

JUST A MOM said...

Well Joan you my dear have done it again!!!!! I am sitting here trying to get soemthign in my head other then "WHAT AM I GUNNA DO." adn BOOM here it is NOTHING BUT LAUGH MY ASS OFF AT THIS POST!!!!! You allways come through. Thanks have a great ,fun weekend.

Joe said...

Hum... every thing you need to no to take care of business! :-) You are a complete mess! Hugs! I'm back up and running! have a good weekend!

Brenda said...

I can't wait to see what you come up with for the toilet paper dilema. I have to pack a tent and supplies to do the bareass hike over to the nearest supply cabinet in my bathroom. I've had thoughts of finding one of those cute little stand-alone toilet paper disguisers to sit in the corner behind the toilet. What do you think?