Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Santa had a flat..and running off at the mouth

Yep, that would kick Santa's ass!

I laugh at this one every year, I don't know why, but it just tickles that little teenie funnybone I got going under my rib cage. And it hurts to laugh today because I carried 8000 lbs. of groceries in a carrying cart. Do you wanna know why? Because I never think ahead. My list only contained 3 items. What did I come out with? 987 items. So there you go. That 12 pack of diet cherry fresca was a very unwise move. I think it took out one of my ribs (and now it hurts when I laugh) when I was hauling it to the check out counter.

Guess what? I'm having a real Christmas!!! Just like the one's we used to know. Seriously, my bro is staying in the city for Christmas this year and for the first time since my mom died in 1999, we will be getting together on CHRISTMAS DAY. Usually we meet up around the New Year and do something lame. They always go out of town to her parents place. But this year her parents have sold their home, and are in a care home. It's sad, but I guess the time has come.

This is for real. My nieces will all be there, and we will laugh. We will poke fun at each other and laugh some more at how really dorkie we all are. I will make fun of their low rise jeans with their panties showing. Mind you...I could wear them now too. I tried on a pair of jeans today, and they fit...but you know what? They felt drafty. How oldfartish is that? But I felt a distinct "draft" where the waist left off on my belly and where my bra started. Lord, don't let me start complaining about drafts...it's a sure sign of youknowwhat. This would be a good seque for one of my prolific poems, but I will spare you. But if I would have, it would have been something about being drafty and daft.

The week is coming to an end and I have a trillion things to do. Tomorrow a short wine and cheesy thing at the neighbours, Friday our company Christmas party ( and I haven't even shortened my black dress pants). I was hoping I would grow up...like that would happen.

I have next week off; but that is full too. Christmas at the bro's, and Gord's family over here on boxing day. I have stressed over the menu for a month. Remember last year when I finally decided on KFC? I still haven't forgiven myself for that, because Gord had the H.A. a month later. So we are having ribs HA.. Yeah I know the KFC had nothing to do with it, it was only the thirty years of scarfing down burgers and lunch, and God knows what else he was eating while he was not at my table. That is now history. So, I am not going subject my guests to my meager offerings we usually eat at home.

The menu is:

Baby Back Ribs (in my special sauce) ...which probably is not special at all, but I like it.
Chicken Fingers ...baked not deep fried with a low cal dipping sauce (no one will notice, because it's so good).
Tradition says I have to have meat balls, so SIL will be bringing her meatballs no matter the menu. That is fine, I love them. I always try in incorporate them in my dinner.

Caesar Salad..made to order from my fav grocery store. Low cal...yet yummy.

My 3 bean salad I have perfected since last year

Basmati rice to soak up the juices of the the ribs.

Whole wheat rolls and real butter.

My niece brings the "before" snacks, so I don't have to worry about that. I just have to remember to buy a couple of jars of herring....because I am surrounded by Germans...und ifs dey do nots gets da herring, they get Hitler faces...and yell achtung. It's scares me, so I try very hard to have the exact Herring they approve of. It has to be herring fillets in wine sauce. Some how that doesn't seem right. Should it not be big ugly herrings in a barrel of vinegar? One year I bought Herring that was not on their approved list, and almost lost a limb.Those krauts know their herring, and if you mess with it... gas chamber mein herr. I'm lucky to be alive. Gord explained to his relatives that because I was a Mennonite I was on the lowly totem pole of the Germanic hierarchy. All the Tanta's nodded and put their knitting needles back in their bags. Phew. Death by knitting needle could be painful. Especially if you got one poked in your favourite eye.

Opps ran on again....

Dessert. I was going to make chocolate pie, only because I want it. But, I changed my mind and will get dainties and serve them on one of those old fashioned tiered serving trays. I'm trying to do everything without to much fuss... and I think I can handle this.

My Bro is doing so much better after he had his pace maker INSTALLED... It's much like the Command Start you have installed in your car. The only difference is that he doesn't have to use the remote control. It does it all by itself. He is walking again without too much pain, but still needs his scooter to go on shopping trips. Personally, I can only relate the the word "scooter," is when my dog slides on her ass on my rug. Another reason for wood flooring. Slide all you want Penny, and with any luck you will get there faster than before, and it will be easier to clean up. Win win... Look at how I am counting my blessings..it must be Christmas.

Damn near burned the house down on Saturday. You know those little voltive candles? I took them out of the cupboard, I hadn't used them since last year, and they smelled a little rancid. I didn't think too much of it and put them in the holders. I sat at the computer for a few moments and then the phone rang....I left the room, and within 5 minutes I could smell something and they had burst into fire!! They were situated right beside my straw nativity scene in the dining room. Shite. Thankyoulord it didn't catch fire. I huffed and puffed and blew the flames down.

What's next? Yesterday I burnt the rice for supper because I could not wait 2 minutes before leaving the room to do something else. Yes, it was minute rice... and it was the second minute that fucked me up. or the 5th. I can't get the burned shit off my fav pot. I am going to burn my house down shortly. Just give me enough time.

Psssst: Gord doesn't read my blog, because he says his fingers are too big for the the keys on my keyboard....but maybe he just doesn't know how to TURN ON THE COMPUTER..anyway ... I bought him a GPS system for his truck for Christmas. Are you thinking like I am, how can he ever use that when he can't even use a computer? Well, hell, yeah. He can do whatever he WANTS! Because he needs his cell phone and then....opps... all of a sudden he got smart with technology. He wants the GPS.. he will find a way to get smart with that. I promise.

Holy moldy this is long. Shut up.


Bobbie said...

You've made my day yet again!!

Brenda said...

Ha! You're something else Miz Joan. I always love your posts and look forward to them.

So far, the only things I've bought for the Christmas menu are a ham, a turkey breast, some yeast rolls, and an institutional sized can of Bushes green beans. I've got to take time SOON to sit and give some thought about what else to have and do the shopping.