I really should know better than to go to Safeway on Tuesday after work. It's.. shhhhh...Seniors Day. I can smell the coffee and donuts, I see the blue haired chicks, with the walkers and know all the motorized carts are in use...so no more scooting a careening around Safeway for me!!
I have to get my groceries and try to get out of there, before I am noticed. It's not an easy feat, as I am in there almost every day because I am a lazy good for nothing stinking shopper. Most of the staff always greet me...(but I'm sure that's a PR thing)... or do they really like me?..maybe they do, I likes to be liked, but I could be wrong. I do my rounds, touch all the veggies, making sure they are ripe enough for my liking, but don't buy any. I sculk past the meats and such, press the pork chops...jest a bit..to see if they are tender enough..nope...not to my liking. Then check the Chicken section..cause I want's to get a deal like ms. special K..does..two fer one price..not today it won't happen, those chickens are all on there own for a purty good price...so I quit touching them. Next, I need some doggie bones...not something I buy from Safeway, because they ARE OVERPRICED BY 100%...but I haven't had the chance to get to WAL MART, and get trampled by 896 women and children looking for a deal on WD40 and Nachos...ya know a woman always has to be lubricated and shit. I avoid this place like hell, and pay the big price for the dog bones just to NOT HAVE TO GO THERE. But eventually I will have too, because I am cheap.
Next, I need yogurt and bananas... I skillfully check the prices, and realize I have no idea..so I just touch the bananas and yogurt and put them in my cart. I'm thinking you can get a better buy just by touching, or maybe not getting better buy... but touching it just makes it more personalized...and with all the others who have touched it..it makes it more people friendly...yes..that is how I like to look at it.
On to the strawberries...my fav...now this is a work in process. They come in a plastic container, and you have to lift it up....look underneath to see if any "rotten crotches" are under there...and iffin you see a "rotten crotch"...slam it down...and look under all the other containers till you find a
healthy one. Tip: for those who are not Safeway savvy... always take whats you don't like and put it in another place...good for sales..because an unsuspecting consumer will think it's on SALE. Good for Safeway...and easier for you if you already got it in your cart.
Now, this could backfire if you get your sammich meat from the deli...(and if they know you prudy well)....you order up 300 grams of the most expensive corned beef...put it in your cart, knowing full well, that it is too expensive...walk around for awhile, feeling guilty, and toss it into a freezer...so as not to feel too guilty, because it won't go bad there...and then...bolt!...but you always have this lingering feeling, the clerk knew you ordered that corned beef, and when someone returns it to the deli....SHE WILL REMEMBER YOU...so I just dye my hair the next day and hope for the best.
So, I have gone on too long with my sorry story...today was Seniors Day..a day I dread, because when I get to the check out...they will invariably ask..."Do You Want to Take Advantage of our Tuesday Seniors 10% Discount Day"???....(do they ask the chick in front of me with 125 earrings in her nose)...no...they ask me...with my wonderful highlighted hair (which I did myself ..to save a buck..I'm looking like a skunk, but that should not have interfered with the process). Do I look old..huh...tell me...you mutthers...huh??
I looked at the "high school drop out" clerk and said ..ahem..you must have me mixed up with someone else..I am only 33, .but meybe I'm looking a little scruffy an old today because I didn't apply my Oink of Olay this morning ..after the blank look...she gave me all the useless discount coupons I will never use. I held my skunk head high...and said...see y'all tomorrow...but I said that in a Canadian way...we don't say y'all.. I said I will see you tomorrow..you Safeway Beotch..
Somedays you win..somedays...you just want to make sure you can tie up yer sneakers without fallin over...knowhatimeanjellybean...??