If you work in an office, you will know that sometimes they like to change things. However, management will never meet with those who use the system the most. YES, they changed the phone system in our office. I, being the answerer of the phones, was not invited to give my opinion on the choice of phone systems they were deciding upon. Why should they? After all, I am the one who is directing and receiving the calls. Makes perfect sense to me. Our head office took it upon themselves to force our little branch office to change the system. It's a Mitel digital system of some sort. Our higher uppers thought going this route would improve customer service and make it easier (and cheaper) for all of our three branches to communicate with each other. Apparently, this system works through our internet provider. YIKES! But on the bright side..it is cheaper than conventional phone systems. BUT WE HAVE PROBLEMS!
I put out a memo to our Head Office regarding the shit show of a system we have:
1.) Our customers can't hear us at the other end, which makes it a little difficult to provide customer service.
2.) We can't use speed dial: when the installer came in they said the huge amount numbers we would have to press in order to use the speed dial were almost as many as you would need to actually dial the number.....go figure. Yes, that is what the guy told me!
3.) We get really weird acid trip noises on the phone, when we use the convenient 3 digit numbers to access our head office and other branches. It sounds like we are talking through a large internet tunnel. I could probably blog on the phone ..hey!
4.) The system puts voice mail messages..anywhere it wants to. It likes to play fair, and not hurt anyone's feeling..so that's not such a bad thing.
5.) Call forwarding....you don't want to know. It's such a long process, it takes 15 minutes, and then you still aren't sure if it has connected to the phone you want it to go to.
With all my complaints etc. our head office suggested we make an Employee Telephone User Instruction Manual. They think we are stupid. Fuck. They bought the system, and now they have to work around its inadequacies.
So, when my boss went on a mini vacation this week, I make a instruction manual for him to send to head office indicating to them that the phone system was perfect, except we, the employees were dumb arses.
THIS IS IT:
TELEPHONE USER INSTRUCTION MANUAL:
TO OBTAIN AN OUTSIDE LINE:
.. Dial 9 ...NOT 911 .. no,and no again my little dinkheads, we don't want to make the City mad at us with such frivolous misuse of their services. Get the fuck off the phone and go back to playing pocket pool, or whatever the hell else you do in the shop, after all this is not a toy.
TO TRANSFER A CALL:
.. Press Transfer/Conf and enter the extention number. Yup Dingbats, that's it, don't be asking what Conf. means, because you will never be using that feature, it only for da boss when he wants to talk to his wife and connect to his kids in a conference call, and sometimes "his boss". Perks ya know.
TRANSFER A CALL TO VOICE MAIL:
If your smart..I SAID IF!!..(sorry didn't mean to yell) you won't even try to do this, but if you do: I will try to put this in layman's terms: Press XferVM on the left hand side of your telephone, then enter the extension number of the individual you would like to reach. And, if that doesn't work, press 911, just kidding..don't do that again!!
RETRIEVING MESSAGES FROM VOICE MAIL: OMG..okay.
When you see that little amber light flashing on your phone, when you have finally decided to come back from lunch (you know the one..top right hand corner). I SAID "RIGHT".. Einstein. Okay..
Press the "message" button, wait for instructions from the generic host.."I SAID WAIT"..fortheloveofmike!! When you hear the dulcet tones of a computer generated voice...enter your 4 digit password and follow the instructions. I have to apologize for the system, because in all likelihood, you will never receive the message,even though you have made your best effort. I realize they give you 45 choices to chose from, and it's very hard to choose the right one. In all probability you will have chosen to press 12..fuck man..THAT was delete!
Alrighty now, I know you all have not been assigned passwords yet, but we have a generic one set up which is 1-2-3-4. We have tried to make this as easy as possible for you. Do not loose it, keep it in a safe place. (not on the back of your pack of smokes)..okay?
NOTE: This function in only available from one (1)fucking phone in the building. Either this was a cost cutting measure, or the dirty assed installer lied to me again. If the person's office door, who owns this particular phone is locked when he/she leaves, you will not be able to forward the phones overnight to the number of your choice. This again, is customer service at it's best.
However, if you find the key - to the door - that opens the office - of the person - who has the phone - that enables call forwarding - feel free to read on.
>Press the extension number..that says Joan on it...there yee go!! Don't forget there is a short waiting period for it to engage (if you don't wait long enough, all this will be in vain)
>Dial *72 (okay damit "press" *72). Got it!
Dial/press the number of the phone you are call forwarding the line to. Wait until you hear the phone ring. Hang up.
Again, press the extension number..that says Joan on it...dial/press ... #72 once more and enter the telephone number you are call fowarding. Please wait on the line until the procedure is over..you will hear a short beep, if you are still awake.
One more time now, press the extension number..that says Joan on it..dial/press *72. and now you will be safely connected to the phone you have forwarded it to.
Now wasn't that easy?
If my boss in not in, I usually start the call forwarding process at 4:00 pm so I can get out at 4:30.
I called the company who installed the system yesterday, and once again today... two phones aren't even working anymore....what a pile of junk.
Tomorrow there will be asses to kick, no more Ms. nicey nice for me..I'm sending in the big guns.. Balonie.. she has more guts than I do.