Monday, September 18, 2006

I love the rainy nights!!..but not the sad one.

It has turned from 31C on Friday to 10C. It's a shock to the system. I don't even have a coat to wear. I wanted to have some fall weather, but fortheloveofanneofgreengables...this is re"dick"ulous. I know I wished for more temperate temps, but holy moly, give me a break Jake. Has the world has gone to hell in a handbasket? BTW, what is a handbasket? I assume it's a little basket you drape over your wrist, but I don't get how the all the world got in there. More useless information I must ponder when I wake up at 4:00 AM.

I know I have been a little "manic" with my templates, and I will quit it for awhile. Until the weekend anyway!! Ha. I don't know what possesses me. Likely the Devil. He's always sitting on my shoulder, and nudging me with his fork. I hates him. I keep telling him, "Devil" I'm not as young as I used to be and can't keep up with your constant urging for me to make unwise decisions. You know me well, and your nudgings have made me make many poor choices in the past. He just keeps on nudging me. Bugger!!

Babee Bro, is still in the hospital. They still can't make up their minds what is wrong with him. I talked to my SIL this afternoon and she said he's ready to walk out of there. They are keeping him in ER so they can monitor him. But, if you ever saw the ER in the Health Science Centre, you would know the crap that flows through there. He won't need a TV in that place, because the drama is all in front of his eyes. Low lives abound. I wish they would have sent him to the St. Boniface Hospital, but when the paramedics come, they take him to the closest place. This is a hospital that has had at least a ten million dollar face lift of late. And it houses a state of the art Cancer Care Centre. But, because of it close proximity to the inner city, they get more than their share of druggies, stabbings, and shooting victims. I hate that place. I guess I hate it most, because that is where my dad died. Not any fault of the hospital, but of the memories that linger on every time I step in the door.

Tomorrow is September 19th. .... 7 years since my mother died.
I still remember what I was doing on the 18th. before she died.

She had been there for about a week, and it was a Saturday. I got to the hospital at 12:00 PM to spend the afternoon with her on my day off. She was very confused. My brother came over later, and we sat quietly with her trying to mask our pain, with what was at hand. She was so restless, we could not contain her. They had to put straps on her bed so she couldn't hurt herself (sob)...She hated it, she wanted to free! My bro had to get back to work as he had missed a lot of time already, so I stayed on. I brought a radio with me and put it on her favorite station and we sat together all afternoon listening and sometimes talking when she was awake. She had no inhibitions when she was awake. It was like someone I never knew. She said and did things that were so out of character, I could not believe it. I sometimes wish she could have been like that all her life. But she wasn't, she kept everything very closed off. She was a loving mother, but not at all affectionate.

I wasn't expecting anything to happen, she didn't seen like she was ready to go or anything. I was just preparing myself for the agonizing wait that most cancer patients experience. A month a least. I had friends coming over after supper, so I stayed with her until about 5:30, and made sure she had her supper. Just before I left she pulled out all her IV's. The nurses put it all back together and put her hand in a position where she could not longer do that. She didn't really like that, but she was getting tired. I took her face in my hands and kissed her goodbye two times before I left, and told her I loved her very much. And you know what, she kissed me two more time after that. My mom never ever kissed that I can remember. She kept on more kiss!! I said see tomorrow for lunch, and I left!! Maybe she knew........

She died next morning at 6:00AM. I still feel the guilt, I wish I would have stayed..and I would have if I would have know she was going to go. But now at last she was free. No ties that bind.

Love you mom...see you tomorrow!! I'll bring the flowers!!


Leslie said...



Her Bad Mother said...

Oh. This made me well up. I don't know what else to say, and I'm going to start sounding silly in a moment, so I'll stop.

Just - beautiful and honest and moving, your words about your mom. Really.

ellen said...

I'm so sorry for your sad memories, but please don't blame yourself for not being with your mom when she parted the veil. My mom beat herself up constantly for the same thing, and I just could not convince her of my firm belief that very often loved ones wait until they are alone to pass away. I think they want to spare us the pain. I really believe that. You loved your mom, and she knew you did. She loved you back in her own way, and you know that, too. Let that bring you comfort.

Joan said...

Yes, Ellen I do. I knew she loved me very much, maybe too much, because she had lost my older sister at the age of 3 months, so she gave me all she had when I was born. She watched me like a momma hawk, from that day forward. Spoiled me crazy.

Thanks for your kind words and your wisdom to see through what I was trying to say.

Ahhh ..Leslie and "her bad mother"...I didn't want to sadden up yer day, I just had to write it for myself.

Brenda said...

Sending prayers that your brother makes a speedy recovery.

I can tell that you loved your mother so much Miz Joan.