Phew it's been busy

I am glad we are winding down to the weekend and I can get my shit together.

Let's talk about leg cramps, shall we? I'm pretty sure I am the Queen of all the MF'n leg cramps in the world. Picture this, at precisely 5:00 AM in the morning...lolling away in our big water bed, and decide I don't like the scenery on my left side, so I turn over...and it strikes!! It strikes like a lightning bolt in the back of my calf (no, I am not a cattle farmer) it's my own personal calf, not a pet or a beef product to fatten up for the food chain). Otherwise, it would not be in my water bed. I just wanted to clarify that. I don't sleep with cattle, not yet anyway. But, you know...there could come a day, I don't take anything off the table.

Okay, I am writhing in pain, Gord is snoring, and I jump out of bed as if I had been thrown in the air by a ..what did I say.. oh yeah, a lightning bolt. I start rubbing my calf (no, not the beast) with much vigor. It brought me to tears, it was so intense. I kept on rubbing, because that is all you can do. At one point, I wondered why it felt wet down there, but thought I had just washed my hands after I got out of the bathroom. It took about 15 minutes of rubbing and clenching my teeth until they almost broke when it subsided. It was almost like an orgasm at the end...the ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ... now I can go to sleep.

This morning I woke up and had a little pain in my calf. I looked at it, and to my surprise, I had rubbed it so hard it was all bruised and red. Also, I must have broken the skin with my fingernail. Fortheloveofmike!! Yeah, I know I'm getting old, but since when does your skin get so thin a little rubbing makes it look like a rug burn. Remember those? heh. So, I'm working it out. I have a very large bandage on it, because I need sympathy. When I am asked...
"Hey Joan...what's up with the leg"? ..to those I flaunt my bandaged calf to, I get all casual, and tell them "hey" we were having leg sex last night, and my leg has a hickey. It's all good.

Ellen...

What can I say about Ellen...Ellen, Bo Bellen ..

Ellen would never expect me to get serious, so I won't. I know she loves all the prayers and stuff, and I do that too, but the only way I know how to express myself is through humour, and ..Ooops.... Hi Ellen, did it look like I was talking behind your back?

You, my dear have always kept me honest, shit I couldn't get nothing past you. You always found me out. I would just have to give a hint of my despair in my blog and you knew. And I thought I was so vague, quietly trying to find some answers without giving out to much information. You always found me out. Even with your problems, you gave me so much hope with Gordy's problems. I will never forget that .. you know.

Best blog comment I ever got was from you after we had a flood in our basement I tried to make a rap song of it ....but man you beat the crap out of my song wit da sizzle and dizzle stuff. I didn't know you were a rapper chick? A school marm no less? I have never forgot that one.

Lord, you must have had clenched teeth reading my blogs, with all the spelling and grammatical errors. It's okay, because Brian (the teach) overlooks my obvious ADD too, that's what good people do.

Ellen Bo Bellen...I have only one thing to say.... when Curtis isn't looking...hide the cord from his electric lawn mower, and let's see how your hillbilly can chew the grass, and then we will know what he is made up of.

Ellen, I hope I have cheered you up a bit, and I know (or don't) how hard it is for you. We will all be in the same shoes one day or another.

I just want to say to you (seriously) Costco rocks!!.. I love the smokies.

Balonie...
(Joan was here for awhile, but I booted her, she gets all teary eyed and crap).

We met.....

She came all the way from Alaska and stopped in to say howdy-do to me!!!

I have pictures...

I had stars in my eyes or...hummm I may have had one to many drinks and my eyes were popping out of my glasses. But, sweet Katie looks adorable.

We had such a good time. Unfortunately in my haste and hurryment, while I was breathing in a paper bag in anticipation of her arrival I gave her the wrong address on the phone. Fortheloveofpeacockplace, I have lived here for 25 years! So, I stood out front waving in anything that looked like a truck from Alaska. Met some nice people who thought I was having a garage sale. But she found my house!!

We sat on the deck the entire afternoon having lunch, coffee and later snacks and drinks and talked, and talked. I haven't talked to anyone that much since ..never. She is such a lovely person. She had her dog "Charcoal" with her, at first we had a conflict of interest between "Penny the prickess" and her lovely well behaved dog. All I could do is separate them to start off with, but after an hour or so, I made Penny take her attitude inside, and Charcoal had the reign of the backyard. Sometimes, a time out in needed. I am madly in love with Charcoal, it was love at first sight. I guess Penny sensed that.

This is not the best pic, but I was just about to throw the ball and she was waiting for me. She is very beautiful. Gord came home later and we all went OUT for supper. Yes, I actually went OUT. We went to a little restaurant by the river, and we had our own little tiki hut to enjoy the outdoors and the scenery by the river. It was great.

Here is Katie just finishing up her jar of tequila. Man can those gals from Alaska pour down the drinks!! Heh, just kidding, it was water, but in a tiki hut you must drink from a mason jar for some unknown reason. We had a wonderful time catching up in each others lives. Doesn't she look like Sandy Dennis? She has this sweet little voice which I never expected, because I knew she had been singing in bands for years and years, and I was expecting her to have one of those real throaty voices. I asked her to sing for me, just a bit, and my God...I almost pissed my pants..she was so good. ..but we didn't have time to get into all of that which I am sorry for.

I even let her have a snuggle with my Gordy Good Guy.

We met up for a few hours today. Unfortunately she was not feeling well, because she pulled a muscle in her back while slipping in the shower...damn Canadian Hotels!!!... we are waaay to clean, a little crud goes a long way when it comes to grip. So, she and my fav dog in the world (except Penny) will probably stay another day before she hits the road back to the USofA on to more adventures. I admire her. She has conquered so many challenges, and she will get over this little bump in the road. This was the highlight of my vacation. Thanks Katie!! Maybe if you are still here tomorrow you can sing me another tune.

I might be meeting a blogger friend

I am so excited. Klondike Kate. I'm sorry I don't have my links up yet again, but she is a wonderful gal from Alaska, who has been through so much in the last two years. We just sort of jelled. She lost her husband two years ago, and Mary Lou suggested at one point we should go to her blog and see her through her journey, and I did. It was painful. But so worth it, to see that she has come through so many obstacles and is finally starting her life over.

She is so witty, charming and talented, I don't know if I will be able to keep up when she meets this little mennonite chick from no where Manitoba. I hope I don't disappoint her. I don't know much about her at all, except what she wrote..but I have always felt I've known her my whole life...funny that.

Now, if Special K, would darken my doorstep, I would know exactly where to go, because ...hey..I'm the Auntie she always wanted...and would not feel uncomfortable at all, because she would be the niece I would love to kick up with. A little bit wordy, but a nice girl don't get me wrong. Oh lord, she's going to cream me!! I would really like to meet up with her one day. I can see some good times, we could both get our hair permed at Ultra Cuts . After all, she is getting a little bit older every day...and wouldn't she look cute with a "raisin" do?

This week of holidays has been going splendid did did did.

I have spent most of my time in "the hole"....meaning the two bottom fucking layers of my house. We do our basic living on layer one and two, and the bottom two is basically where we store the junk when we are finished with it from layer one an two.

We are currently trying to curb those tendancies. Today, while cleaning out the rec room, where I have stored every piece of crap of my, our, lifetime, I came across a condum. I guess someone thought it was funny to give us "protection" in our old old age... a french tickler no less. It must have been from one of our "I just turned 50 or 60 parties" .. I found it down there in a champange glass given to us by a well meaning individual. I chuckled. I also mourned those days, because you know, we will never be partying like that again. Not, that we can't, but the "will" just isn't there anymore or the wheelchair access...so what's an old raisin to do? I threw (gave) away all the party favours...which I had been saving a trillion years. All the "old fart" books, scrabble for old farts, crotched penis holders(2) (big hit in the 90's) let's not forget about the barbeque apron for the man of the house, and when he opens his barbeque holder stuff...oops, out pops a penis. AND.. we laughted some more.


Fortheloveofmike...what if we would have showed them a fake barbeque apron vagina... they'd all be saying ..Dad, get the kid's in the truck and let's blow this popcorn stand..

Times havea changed my friends, they have.

I have thrown most everything out of this house, and donated anything good to "Good Will." I have kept everything dear to me in a few boxes. I want a lighter load.

I am not alone

This afternoon while reading some of my blog fav's I came across one I haven't read for awhile www.sweetney.com.

It hit me right square in my face. She is me, I am her. But much younger and a better writer.

Here is a small portion of what she wrote:

As anyone who knows me very well at all is keenly aware, I'm not a very sentimental person. I'm not much for sap, or overt emotional displays, or mushy proclamations of love and devotion. My tendency toward guardness -- in terms of both displaying and expressing my emotions, and opening myself up fully to others -- is something I'm actually actively working on with my therapist at the moment (along with trying to quiet the voices in my head urging me to kill David Hasselhoff... but that's another post entirely). At the end of my first session with her after starting up therapy again last month, my headshrinkess suddenly said to me -- in a manner that seemed apropos of nothing -- “You're very contained.” And at the time I puzzled over that statement a bit. I mean, don't I spend most of my time every single day writing and sharing my thoughts with the whole freakin' world?

But as it sunk in, I realized what she meant, and it honestly shook me a little. Because, of course, writing is a very controlled and contained act, an almost perfect platform of expression for someone who has, ahem, intimacy and trust issues. My sharing here is completely controlled and contained. By me. I decide what to reveal and what to hide, I decide how things are presented and how much I invest, and therefore how much I can, well, get hurt. But beyond the boundaries of the internet, that approach doesn't really work very well. As I'm realizing (like, duh).

(By the way, even writing those paragraphs feels almost a little too self-reveal-y to me, and I'm fighting the urge to go back and delete them. I mean, I can't admit to people that I'm screwed up just like everyone else on the face of planet earth, right? What would my neighbors think?) (blarrgh)

Anyway, the point is that unlike many of my fine, talented blogging compatriots, I rarely show The Feeling and The Love in the way it perhaps sometimes should be shown -- rarely dissolving into paroxysms of emotional purging, even when the situation absolutely calls for it.

But it's a new day today. And today? Today will be absolutely no different.

............
She is such a good writer.

This sums up my life. I hope she gets it together, but if she is anything like me, she will still guard her feelings forever. It's just something you can't give up. It may be the only control I have over my life, and no one can take that away. I don't know what makes me like this. I know I have almost lost my best friend "HippyChick" because I cannot connect the way she wants a best friend to connect. And thus far I haven't done sweet fuck all about it.

I live in a world all by myself. That is why I write about my imaginary horse friend Horace. Now, if that wasn't a stupid post, I don't know what was.

I find it very difficult to put myself out there. I can do it with Gord sometime, because we are like a comfortable pair of slippers, and even with him, I hold back because he has no clue on how I really feel, so there is no point in trying to explain something he cannot understand.

So, I don't feel so alone, I know there are others out there that are control freaks like me. Or just trying to protect themselves from shit before it happens.

Ask me a question. Let's see if I can actually tell you the truth. Feel free to "call" me on it if you think I'm skirting the issue.... and be very careful, because I am a pro at this, I probably could bullshit my way out of a barnyard... and never step in any of it.

Intervention anyone? heh?

I don't know which way is up!

It's like a steam bath out here tonight. I have to talk about the weather, because my age demographics demand it, whether.. or is that weather?.. I want to or not.

My mom, god bless her heart, could have put any TV Weatherperson to shame. You could place her in any part of Canada and the US and she would know which direction was she was facing and know the weather patterns. It was very important she knew where the sun would come up and where it would go down. I on the otherhand have no idea. Somedays I think my backyard faces the east, because the sun makes it's unwelcome entrance in my bedroom very early in the morn. But we live on a pie shape lot, and it seems to change from day to day...yes I get the fact the the sun gets lower and lower during the year, but then I forget, and get somewhat crazy.

Then when I come home for lunch at "high noon," and I'm about strap on my holster and guns to take out the "varmit" who just "did" my sister, the sun is in the South! I am in the same place I was this morning? Very confusing. After the shootemup I head back to work on my trusty steed aptly named "Horace"...And when I get to work after lunch I wonder which direction I am in sitting at my desk? It must be South, because the sun is brutal and beaming in at 58900 rays a second.

Then I have to tie Horace to his hitching pole in the back of the shop because it is shady there, so that must be North. Later in the afternoon I have to hitch Horace up again beside the shop on the other side of the building. I'm thinking that may be East, because the sun in now coming in from the West..I think. I may need a compass. Because when you are getting on in age you should know all this crap. Or at least be interested in it. I like to play it by ear and surprise myself.

Horace is cool, he makes no nevermind of my changing of hitching posts, all he cares about is a good bag of feed and a carrot. I'm in love with my new imagainary friend Horace...tommorrow is my first day of holiday and we are going riding. Me and Horace. Not Horace and I. ....heh he just nudged me...he want's top billing...OKAY HORASS... YOU WANT TO PLAY DIRTY...I won't imagine you anymore...so go screw yourself. I really wanted to go riding. But not on you ...you horses arse!


It's always something! If you can't trust a horse, who can you trust? I'm asking?

Maybe, he no understand de englais?? I might give him another chance, after a good tooth brushing.

Anyone wanna play Stupidoku

I gots it. It's on my side bar. Fortheloveofmike, I gotta create some traffic to my site. Obviously my day to day whining is not doing what it otter. Just kidding, I found it while ummmm looking for a new template (just in case this one crashes again). Ilost all my other shit.

JimBob don't get your short tied up in a knot. OKAY, I will confess, I was trying out new ones when the one I loved the most broke my heart...it slashed it in two. It was called peaches and ice-cream and it was so yummy looking even a hardened criminal would have gone straight. I thought JimBob would be so impressed he might let me off the hook.

For some reason, I could see it at work, but not when I got home...I saw it right away when I got home and it was black and ugly. It appreared black to special K too..I don't know what the hell is up with that. Oh well, just some more egg on my big face. Do I owe JimBob for trying and failing? What says you? I'm willing to part with 5 bucks merican if I broke the rules. But, I don't remember any agreement that I could not experiment with templates and fail. This is called back peddling, I am an expert at that.

Just so's youse guys know, I am still into cooking new things and such, I'd like to share a story.

On Thursday I decided to make a Greek Salad, and like I said some posts ago, I don't make a lot of different salads other than a lettuce salad. I bought all the right stuff from the recipe I was following including feta cheese. I was standing in the kitchen, slicing and dicing all the veggies, and finally it came time for the cheese part. The cheese came in a container that had some annoying fucking clips on each side. I broke off one clip and tried to open it, then found another clip on the other side, broke that off, and I still could not open the container. By now this balonie was gettin a leetle testy. I twisted and turned, and finally after I stopped with the hula hoop shit, I found all you have to do is pry the lid off. Very easy, a baby could have figured that out.

I am a smeller. I smell everything before it goes into my food. So, I lifted the container to my nose.........and then unbeknowest to me all the water or residue that those fucking Greeks put in the container went straight down my shirt, into my bra, and down my pants!!!! I.did.not.know.there.was.liquid.in.it.

I smelled ripe. A trillion flies poured in my patio door seekng the source, which was me. I slammed the patio door shut, ran to the bathroom and had a shower. Later, I took my shirt, pants and bra and hung them over the patio to dry because I was not about to put them in the washer for one stinking little load. It was a peacefull evening after that, because the dog wouldn't leave the spot they were hanging and all the flies were sitting on my clothes. Problem solved. When they were finally dry I threw them on the deck, and Penny screwed them with all her heart and soul. Nothing like the smell of old cheese to get a dogs rocks off. She is still looking at the deck to see if they are still there.

We are having Greek Salad again tonight, and being as consistant as I usually am, Penny will once more get her jollys. You just can't do enough for your pets.

Or is it just me....???

It is so beautiful out here on my deck tonight, I wish you could see it. I have the sprinklers going and it looks like a private paradise with all the greenery.

I am on holiday all next week until the next Tuesday. I can feel my blood pressure lowering....time for me. Time to get my shit together.

Everyone move along

Nothing to see here folks...my template crashed and left a black background and wiped out most of my sidebar. I got it back up for now. If it does it again, I will be FORCED TO CHANGE IT:) ...against my will..

I sense evil growing, and we all know, nothing good can come of that.

NEVERMIND IT DIDN'T WORK....

SON OF A BITCH....LET ME FIX IT.

Wait till JimBob see's this...

I couldn't help it.

Don't cry for me Diarrhea.......

My (as in my own personal) diarrhea is pretty well gone, I still have a squeak here and there, but it's getting better. Fortheloveofthepoopingshute. I can take off the pampers and dance in the streets without leaving a trail. It's pretty awesome.

Diarrhea and I have been pretty close friends these last few days, so I will probably just shake hands with it before it leaves for good. However, I will wash my hands immediately afterwards. I don't believe in kissing diarrhea goodbye either, because we weren't that close as we were only into the first 2 days of our struggling relationship. But, after a thoughtful night, I decided, if Diarrhea really wanted to leave me, I would have to do something special. I was thinking about something along the lines of U Tube, for posterity, but trying to line up the camera with the shitter became a challenge. Plus, I didn't want anyone to see my bare ass, I have no problem showing you Gord's ass in the shitter, but he was just reading the newspaper, I would have been grimacing with pain, and you would have felt so sorry for me and sent me thousands of emails. I would have no part of that. So what I did, was.....at 6:00 PM sharp, I went on the deck and let out the loudest fart in history. I shouldn't have aimed it at the garden, because it blew the sprinkler pump in my pond on it's side. Hell, hath no fury as a diarrhea fart that was saying it's farewell. Now, I feel light as a feather. I have a spring to my step!

Enough of this "shit"...I promise I will quit it. But ..hey I like talking about bodily functions.

It's still 5000 degrees here, we can hardly function, but apparently our neighbours can. Nothing like seeing 60 some year ole guys without their shirts on, frolicking in the sprinkler with the grandkids. Yes, the grands will have good memories, but their bodies are etched in my mind. And, if I take a good look in the mirror Gord and I would look the same. Some people just have more guts, and that comes with confidence within yourself. I have to keep saying to myself, I don't give a crap on how people perceive me now that I am growing older. It's a fact of life, I do the best I can, but gravity takes it toll. I will never be that fresh faced little cheerleader I was in the 60's. I'm getting kind of wrinkled, and that is how she goes my friend. You can't go back, all you can do it take care of what you got.

For supper, I cut off about 6 pieces of whole wheat french bread, and spread some garlic, basil and olive oil on them, topped it off with tomatoes, low fat mozz cheese, and some marinated shrimp. I broiled that. Fresh cucumber salad followed. You just don't get hungry when it's so hot. Now that I made it, it will do it more often, it was sooooo good.

Gord has lost 25 lbs. Yes!!!! and you know what, I don't even hear a whimper of what was before his H.A. He eats healthy at home, and I know he loves it. I am sure sometimes he probably gets hungry for a cheeseburger, but I think he gets it!! He just bought a whole new set of clothing for his business, he is looking very dapper. His old uniform was so beat up and ugly, and didn't portray his image anymore. He is feeling good about himself, and that in itself will serve him well, to keep up the good work in loosing the weight, and getting healthy. I took me a long time to get him to this place, but it was worth it, because ..he gets it.

I have rambled ....I can't stop typing...I just have so much to say. But Penny thinks otherwise. Apparently she can't go to bed without me. The downside is she is wet, because she has been yapping at another dog on the other side of the fence while I had the sprinkler going. I'm not sleeping with a stinky wet bitch. Well, not today anyway:)

Haloscan has been a beotch lately. Don't get frusterated if you want to leave a comment.

diarrhea she is not so funny..so shut the hell up

I think I have food poisoning, because diarrhea is just not in my vocabulary. It's good thing Sheila came around last night for AAjustment hour and I broke open a new bottle of wine. I now have the fresh cork firmly implanted up my ass. However, I seem to be bloating. So I took the opportunity to fly over all those whose have signed my guest map, just like the Goodyear Blimp. Did you see me? I was the one with the cork up her ass, and a T shirt that read, Blimping is so gay!

I have been in very close contact with my porcelain bowl today, more that I would like to be. The dog, however takes every opportunity when she sees me doing nothing..like taking a dump and sitting down, she will butt head the shitter door, come in and want to play. Sorry "Bud" but this one is not for you! I got bigger fish to fry.

I have no idea how this malady came about, but Saturday morning, OMG. To the shitter did I head. Gord and I have had every meal together and he wasn't sick? So, he suggested maybe my homemade wine got contaminated. Oops, maybe, I have not been very stellar with my sterilization techniques of late. So, I bought "store" wine today. Lets just see.

Finally this afternoon I went to Safeway and bought some Imodium. How embarrassing. I turned the French side of the package around so the people behind me couldn't see what I was buying. I popped two of those babies, and haven't felt my insides pulling themselves apart since. And I'm drinking store bought wine. All, is well. I am still pretty tired from flying all around the world yesterday in my blimpmobile.

People, the temp's here today were 36 degrees C. I couldn't even stick my head out of the patio door without having to go the can..ha..Just kidding, it was one hot MF day. Of course, this was my laundry day, and I didn't want to heat the house up with the dryer going. The A/C was keeping it reasonable. So, being the descendant of Pioneer women, I took the clothes out of the dryer before they were dry. Don't fall on your asses, I really did, and then ... wait..I hung them out to dry! Okay, I slapped them on the deck railing and hoped for the best. Did you know, birds shit on your deck railing? So, some of my T shirts have some shiz on them, but I'm pretty well full of it anyway this weekend, what's a little more!

You could see the heat radiating off the front street. Penny really wanted to go for a walk, but she would have burned her tootsies! Plus, there is no bathroom between my house and the park, and I would have had to use the "doggie bag" crouched between the trees. A nice sight, my big ass would have been perched between the doggie do do garbage container and a tree. I don't want to get banned from that park again:)

One more week, my fellow Canucks and Americans and I off for a week. I surely hope my ass heals by then, it's mighty sore. It's that fucking cheap toilet paper we buy! I may as well have used gritty paper towels soaked in sand. Or better yet, sandpaper! And then used a metal scraper to remove it from the offending area.

It's hour two. No cramping. Maybe I should take a dip in my neighbours pool? heh. I assume they have enough disinfectant in there to choke a horse. I'm willing to pick up my own turds. So, it's all good.

One more week and I'm going on holiday

One.more.week. Just one.more.week. Until I can sleep in, wear my underwear on my big head, play hard with my Penny, and sit on the toilet and read flyer's as long as I like. Now, that is "down time" my friends. It seems that every year that passes, my expectations shrink. Normally, I would have huge plans, go to the lake, paint the entire house, check my body for moles, you know just the everyday stuff people do on their holiday time off. This year..nahhhh.. sleep. I might even let "balonie" in and take over, that way I won't have to deal with all the shit. She's strong, and has a big mouth, let her deal, while I sleep.

And let her cook. I'm so tired of it.

But, I made a really good salad today..............realllllly good. Everyone in the world has probably had this salad before, and because I am jest a little slow on the salad front, this was new to me. I was a head lettuce kind of gal. I made it like my mom did. Smash a head of lettuce, add green onion tops, green peppers, and some sliced tomatoes, top it with you choice of dressing, and call it a good day. Actually, that is not true, I make a lot of different salads, but when time limits factor into my day, I fall back on Mom's salad. Today, I made a strawberry salad. I know, how cool am I? What's next... a tattoo? Wait for my holiday post!! (I'm thinking about one on my ankle). Okay, so this salad had "greens"...I don't have a clue what they are, they looked like weeds in my garden. I bought them in a bag, along with some a poppy seed dressing, plus sunflower seeds, and some crunchy corn things. My recipe had all that in it, so instead of buying it all separately, I just bought the bag and added the rest. Which were strawberries, raspberries I had just picked out of the garden and apple vinegar, it was so good. Verry verry good. We ate the whole thing...usually there is always salad left over..because it tastes like shiz.

It's strawberry picking season here now, but I can't see myself going out to the farms and picking. I have a hard enough time trying to put my pants on, nevermind bending down and doing a face plant in a strawberry field.

My boss had the A/C on 20 degrees C. all day. I could not even type, my fingers were frozen. I turned it up..he turned it down. It was ridiculous. Finally I turned on my heater under my desk. I have arthritis, don't look so surprised, I'm fucking old, but I was so pissed of at his attitude about it today, as I was not the only one who was freezing in the office. If he does this tomorrow, I am going home. You want me to work here in comfort or you don't. It's not fair, I don't enjoy having to take Tylenol when I don't have to keep my bones from hurting. I can't even wear any summer clothes, because I have to bundle up.

Soooo. that's about all the bitching I got. What says you?

My haid is too big for my body

I just looked at my new pic, and for god's sake I have a pumpkin up there. I have to quit loosing weight,.. or I will start scaring the neighbours kids! Hopefully it was just the angle. How does one loose weight in their head? I have successfuly lost a lot of brain matter..you know about the "70's.. But, I think some of it grew back. That stinking "miracle grow" I was using the other day ...I must have massaged some of it on my head? If I have flowers growing out of my eyeballs., you will be the first to see the picture. Or maybe I will submit it to "America's Most Wanted, Home and Garden Edition."

Sometimes I feel I am marching to hell. Hup.. one two three four, what the hell are you reading my blog for...hup. I don't think Canadians sing that kind of song, it's just for the Americans. We in Canada sing, Hup..one two three four, is their a sale at the K Mart store. We are all about saving a buck. I actually passed up a sale the other day, because it looked too cheap.

I am rambling..did you notice? It's because I haven't had my supper.... I'm not hungry, also I don't want my head to grow any bigger.

I really want to change my template, I can taste it, it would be worth 4.96 US to do it. Encourage me. Make me take on Jimbob.

Mosquitoes the size of elephants

Are residing my back yard. This is the first day I have not been able to step outside to the deck without being eaten alive. I killed one this afternoon, and I had blood running down my leg!! I don't mind me a little blood "letting" because in Edwardian times it was a popular healer, but God only knows who he got to before he got me!! I just wanna make sure he had a clean needle....yeah, I know they die and burst after their first tank full. Bastards. Nothing annoys me more than spending a perfectly nice summers eve, in the house.

I'm going on holidays at the end of the month!! Thank God. I need some time to regroup. I never seem to have a moment to myself and I am so weary. The weekends are always full of my "list of things to do"...shopping, mowing the lawn, housecleaning, bookeeping and laundry I am just about tuckered out. My very fav thing is we get together for our attitude adjustment hour on Sat. nites with our friends. I get to see what's happening in everyone elses life, and I don't feel so bad. I work with men all week and never get to do any girl talk. It's crazy, but life has just been moving so quickly since I hit 60. Everything seems to go by so fast. It seemed pretty quick between 30 and 40, and between 40 and fifty it seemed to take forever.... and now it's just flying by. Wizzing...like a dog with a full bladder. I took a few pics out in the back 40 today whilst slapping the shit of those needlenosedflyingpeopleaters.

Penny, still doing her time in jail. She will be out in 2009 . Hey, you gotta pay the time if did the crime. The crime being ....she is just too cute. I luvs her so much it hurts.

This is a grape vine Hippy chick gave to me many a year ago, and I kept on trying to string it up on the deck to make it vine, but she wasn't having any of that, so I let it grow as a plant.


Top shot of the pond again, I am just getting used to my new camera and trying things out.



Plants in the back garden.. I love the one's on the bottom, they feel like paper.

My first raspberries of the season.

My furry plant...Penny likes to sit in it.

Miracle Grow

I sprayed all my plants tonight, and "it's miracle I am still alive."

Nothing comes easy at "It's Always Something." The Friday night plan, was to come home from work and mow de lawn and fertilize my plants. I cleaned up the deck a bit, put out all the chair covers for the patio table and by 6:30 I was ready to do de mowing. And, what to my surprise..when I looked over "yonder" to see many, many large thunderheads aiming for my house. Normally, I would have said "fuck", but now that I have cleaned up my act, I just thought..what a blessing another rain storm would be. I was very calm. And it came down in buckets, but not before this savvy housewife got the patio chair covers back into the house in the nick of time. It lasted about 10 minutes, just enough to undo all the good I had done. No swearing did I make. I patiently dried off the patio table, and the chair skeletons without their cushions. Finally when the sun came out again, I decided to fertilize my plants with my new handy dandy Miracle Grow nozzle that attaches to your garden hose.

I forgot. That Gordon had been trying to stop the leaks in our hoses last weekend and had attached a dollar store hose to the main one so I could get to the plants. This week we bought a new hose, because he saw the error in his ways. So, I tried to take off the dollar store hose from the main one. I didn't swear. I prayed.

He had "reefed" it on the other hose end so tight it would would have taken a horny Hutterite to unleash it! Me, just being a girl, could not. But I did not give up. I went to the tool box and got out pliers and wrenches to "unreef" the hoses. I gut wrenched myself. I could not get them apart. They were obviously mating for life. Then I saw a tiny pair of pliers in the tool box that had handle grips on them, and thought perhaps if everything was not slip sliding away I might have a chance. Yup, one crank and I hadder. All that not swearing for nothing. I attached the new hose to it and it worked like a charm.

Before more clouds decided to move overhead, I attached the "Miracle Grow" nozzle to the hose, and turned the water on. Everything worked!! No surprises, no nothing. I checked the gauges on the nozzle, it said, Water..Feed..or Shower. I decided on shower. Because that is what has been happening everyday this week. I thought that might be lucky. I went and turned on the water.

Well, it might have been if I would have not have been staring into the inside of the nozzle as I was adjusting the gauges. I got a face full of Miracle Grow! My glasses have grown to the size of those we wore in the 80's. My head is now larger than a pumpkin, my shoulders resemble those a very large athlete on steroids. Unfortunately, I did not wet my girls...they remain the same...crab apples.

I am still sitting outside on the deck defying the elements. One more rain shower will not make a difference to me anymore, I am wet, mosquito ridden, cold but I bought this lap top to sit outside in summer, and byjiminycrickets I will.

My flower garden looks so good this year, I can't believe it. It has finally all got together. I just love sitting out here amongst all my trillion trees I so innocently planted 25 years ago without any reason other than that they were inexpensive. It all worked out. Except for the willows...and they would give reason to swear should I still feel the urge. Dang you I say to them. I also have saved up some swears for the squirrels..don't be jumping on the willows, because even though you weigh under a gram, your weight will break them and I will have to be picking them up. So ..cut it out. See, no swearing, just doing a little intimidation.

I just noticed my left hand looks a little larger than my right. Fucking Miracle Grow!!

Lookie here blogger is letting me title

I have to apologize for my last post, I didn't realize how many times I said the "F" word. It's a little embarrassing. Sometimes I get on a roll and don't know when to stop. I have a potty mouth, but I should try to curtail it. (did I say tail)..ooops, did it again fortheloveofmike.

Seriously, I'm sorry. My fingers run off while I type.

After all, I am just a sweet Mennonite girl, who has no worldly experience. I can't dance, I can't sing, ..I have no moves? I can't fault the Mennonites. Welllll, maybe I can...looking back, they frowned on all of that, and took my dance and singing moves out of my genes. I am not fond of them for that. Maybe growing vegetables and buying me a horse is what I should be doing...getting back to my roots. I'm also thinking of installing a clothesline in the the backyard, who needs a dryer? I need one more job to do, so I won't look lazy, it's the Mennonite way. Don't let them see you slacking.

THIS IS THE TITLE, BECAUSE BLOGGER WON'T LET ME PUT ONE ON: One would think I didn't pay my bill...

LIFE IS A BITCH!!

Living with Gord, is like living with drama and "issues"...day and night. It's a Soap Opera. He is a worrier, and worries everything to death. He second guesses his every move. These last few years, I would liken it to a huge huge table (boardroom style) with 500 hundred chairs around it, and a piece of paper on the table in front of each chair ... stating the issue. One would think that at least one of these issues could be resolved, and the chair and the piece of paper could be removed. Not so. Most of these issues are business related, and some are personal, but we have to keep them on the ready in case a situation comes up again. Do not remove the chair.

You see, we can actually come to terms with an issue and almost put it to rest....but... what if? So, the document stays on the table. Sometimes, I get under the table and bite his ankles, and tell him to shut the fuck up already, it's over, lets put this document to bed. He agrees, and eventually I see the same chair and document sitting there again. Just in case. Today for example, (And this is just a mild example) I asked him to repair the water hose where he had cut off the end because it was leaking. (two weeks ago)and was going to bring home something to fix it...today it was a major challenge, so great, he added another chair to the boardroom. All our water hoses are ten years old, and fucking leaking, let's just get out and buy new ones...would be my answer, his answer is let's just sweat this, and try to FIX it. We have three hoses attached to each other because our tap is in the front of the house and they aren't long enough to reach the back yard. (I have an issue paper somewhere on the desk, that says lets get another tap installed in the backyard) ..I think that one was tabled for 2008. So, now we are in a real dilemma, all the hose ends are leaking. He decided to repair them...awwww fuck....I know where this is going!! He gets two of them fixed, but the last long one which leads into the back yard, has sprung a leak at the nozzle. Now, we don't have anymore old hose parts to fix the last hose, "we are hosed!! "forthelovehosiers. He was looking a little freaky by this time, so I didn't want him to have "an incident"...so I said .. it's okay all my plants will wait for rain...no big deal. Of course he knew I was snowing him, and became more irate at the hoses. So, he found one of those spiral twisty hoses in the garage, disconnected the offending 20 year old hose, and attached that. Well, we now don't have enough water pressure to take a piss. Those things are usless. I congratulated him on his innovative idea, and send him on his way to the shop to deal with more trying issues we still have on the table. But this one is still on the table because it has not been completed because that hose still does not work properly. One more chair.

One should never mess with the boardroom table, because he will notice if an "issue" is missing. "hey" ... he will shout, "did you try to stop me worrying?" .. Nope, says I, I thought it was resolved! "What" shouts he, what will I worry about when all is worryless? Well, I says to him, worry about that you dink!

On weekends when all the work in almost caught up on, he makes a project. A project which usually involves me. (Remember the patio)? Hey, I don't wanna no projects, I got enough of my own shit on the weekends. So, just to scare me, he goes out and loads up 4,000 lbs. of appliances on his trailer given to him from his customers and drags them back to our garage to fix. Hey, bud...didn't we just have an incident? We have an appliance shop, but...oh lord you don't know the crap he's got in there. That is a chair in itself.

You don't know the half. Sometimes he gets up in the middle of the night (that is his worry time) and jumps in his truck and goes back to the shop to make sure he turned off some explosive device...or if he turned on the burglar alarm, or if .. or if.

Nothing comes easy here in balonieland. Everything must be discussed and rediscussed until you are ready to start stacking the chairs in the boardroom and say fuck it. We just bought a piece of property to build our next house on, can you imagine how large that boardroom will be? We will have build an annex. I was hoping to take some issues off the table before then. We are trying to sell our properties, as we are graduating to our retirement HA HA HA.. He can never part with anything he owns. He needs a bigger shopping cart. He would be the bag man, with a washer, dryer and a dishwasher in it. Dragging it all over Canada....wailing "Appliances for Sale"....

I guess I am over reacting, ME? I just want to close down the boardroom, and get all the issues off the table and live a life without stress. But, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I long for the days when we were free spirits, and didn't give a crap about anything. We bought houses, motor homes, etc. and wasted money. We had one hell of a time. Party time all the time. Now we got to do all the grown up shit. Boo.

We totally deserve each other.

Monday night supper:

Chicken Sweet and Sour Meatloaf with rice and salad. Hopefully it will taste better than Penny's chicken dog food. It could be a toss up!

Update: Hey, it was pretty good. I got the recipe off the internets and ..yes, it
tasted very good. I have noticed if you are making burgers or anything else with ground turkey or chicken, that shit is heavy!! ... and it doesn't shrink like it does when cooking with beef .. it's firm and filling. It also takes on the flavour of the stuff you are adding to it. I give it a 8 out of 10.

That is one thing I am taking off the table. I have to, we ate it all. I guess we should start eating all the other shit too.

Wanna wrestle?

Tough, I'm too tired. I just mowed the back 40. I gave blood to 3,450 mosquitoes, they are not too picky about my blood type. I do what I can. I think they like the blood/wine mix..60/40.

Neighbour lady came over to our fence tonite..well she didn't ACTUALLY come over THE fence, but she spoke to me from her side...very quietly to me while I was trying of cool off on my raised deck. I couldn't hear her, so I cupped my hand on my good ear and I still could not hear her, so I was forced to come down the stairs and walk all the way to her fence, and I still couldn't hear her. WTF..is my good ear gone too? NO, she wanted to talk about our neighbours! Oy...I don't need this says my inner self, but my outer self said, hey "what's shaking." She said she had just got home from the hospital and got a letter from the CITY which said that her humongous outdoor pond has been neglected since spring, and is now a larvae breeding area for West Nile mosquitoes. Neighbour so and so had been complaining, and they had checked out the property. I feigned great surprise, and said..ARE YOU KIDDING! As I was swatting those little bastards. Just a note, her husband had a stroke and is still in hospital so she has not been doing any shit around the yard. I put on my compassionate face, because I know she is going through a rough patch, until she started bitching about the other neighbour beside her and their dogs etc..........ahhhh fuck, lady ..nothing has changed, you guys are as anal as you were before the stroke. No lessons learned here. Why are people such assholes? I don't get it. Bitch Bitch Bitch.

I knew the pond was a problem, and was hoping someone other than us would complain, because somehow she seems to like me? Or use me. We took care of their house for two months in winter when they went on holiday, and now I am taking care of her plants. I don't like conflict and will do just about anything to avoid it but I'm telling you I was "this" close to telling her off about that pond... yeah .. me.. telling someone off...that will happen when God stops making little green apples, or if American Idol gets cancelled. I guess I will just have to keep my "surprised" face on because I think it will stop the aging process, it uplifts my jowls and my eyebrows, betteren than a face lift, and cheaper. Betteren is just a new word I made up. Put that in your dictionary. Hold on, don't try to give me any credit for it when you use it, I'm all about giving.

I don't have any pictures today. Lucky you. And lucky Gord.

I know Gord's going to kill me...but

You see, I just got a brandnewspanking camera. My old digital was so slow, it ate batteries up like they were tasty pieces of flesh, and were costing me shit piles of money. So of course I have been testing it all day. Penny, won't come near me anymore, wait till she wants to take a pic of me, I just just won't be available.

Check this out...but don't tell Gord..he's got his pants down. ahhhahhha


It's kind of dark, but he is reading the newspaper in the shitter with the dog doing guard duty. I have to get a little more aquainted with my camera, for shots in the dark.

I took a few today of my flowers in the garden.



These are the flowers from my office on my kitchen table. Try not to let the placemats change your mind about me...they were 2.95 for the set plus 4 coasters, I can live with that.


The long weekend, she has been long. I spent over two hours posting a blog on Sunday, but somehow it never showed up on my screen, so I deleted it today. It was wierd, I had changed all my sidebar stuff, but it only showed old crap until the post was deleted. I hets u blobber. It might have been the Kool-Aid I was drinking. I made a pork roast yesterday that had one of those pop up things to tell when it was cooked. It never popped by the time I thought it should have, so I made a corporate decision to remove it from it's office. Just when I took it out it popped! Damn near scared the crap out of me. Techology! It was a mighty fine roast,and much more juicer than when I leave it in oven for a fort night. My mom always said..."cook the shit out of pork or you will die." Well, we didn't, we even ate pink porky sammiches for lunch and I am living to tell the tale.

We had us some Canada Day fireworks last night around 10:00 pm. We watched the most pitifull display from our front yard that ever was. Our Community Club is only a block away and they always try to put on a show for us lazy folks that don't go downtown and see the good stuff. Every once in while they would actually get one high enough over the trees for us to see, and the crowd in the park (of probably 40) would cheer!!! Then there were the duds..many of them. The ah's and ow's tapered off, until they finally got one high enough over their heads so didn't have to take duck. It was a hit, it was bright, sparkly, and made just the right amount of firecracker noise to get every dog in the neighbourhood frantic. Obviously this was done, with one guy and a bic lighter, but it served the purpose. We brushed 4,567 mosquiotes off our extremeties and went back in the house, and sang Oh Canda. Then Gord went to the can and took a shit...which I have already documented. It was a Canada Day well spent.

Today we had a day off because Canada Day fell on a Sunday, so I utilized the day to get caught up in bookeeping for our business. On Sunday I was trying to do catch up on all that needed doing around here...I need a holiday.!!!!!! I planted all the plants my next door neighbour left for me to attend to after her husband had a stroke in April. I couldn't stand to see them so rootbound, so whether or not she likes it, they are mine now. I will kill them my way.