Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Why are we walking so funny?

Why? because I have shit underneath my shoes. Let's clarify that, I have shit underneath my slippers, not my shoes. I played with Penny in the back 40, and apparently Mother Nature has not dried up all the turds...she is waiting for me to pick them up! Mother Nature...I laugh in your face...I will wait you out, and scrape the crap off my shoes until you dry it up, or until the lawn guy comes. Something has gotta give. It's between the two of you now.

Man, am I glad to get back to regular programming. Once you get a little older, little distractions like the flu and Revenue Canada get can get on your last nerve. Talking about your last nerve...you won't believe this story, but I, as your reporter to the internet will swear it is true. I just hope CNN doesn't get a hold of the story.

Picture it:

It's a beautiful Sunday morning, the sun is shining, we sleep in a little, get up late, read the paper, and have lunch.

Then, Gord goes to his van and brings in a can of "Easy Off." My first reaction was ..okay, so maybe my time was up! Nope, it wasn't that "easy"!

We have a self cleaning Jenn Air stove, that he bought about a year ago. It was a used one that he had bought from a customer of his. He installed it, and at the time he didn't put in the venting to the outside properly. He insisted to clean the oven that very day. That was fine. But, he also wanted to put the grills for the barbeque part of the oven in the stove to clean them. I told him it was not a good idea, because I could clean them in the sink. NO...NO...

End result:

The house was full of smoke, because the venting wasn't done properly, and the grills from the barbeque melted. Fuck, that is one hot oven when you do the self cleaning... Needless to say we had to buy new grills, and the house stunk like high heaven for two days after.

So, I have never cleaned the oven since then. I don't need to burn the house down.

Okay then, Sunday rolls around, the venting has been fixed, and he feels it's high time we clean the oven. I agree. It's looking kinda ugly. But, what is the Easy Off for? You can't use it in a self cleaning oven. He said the oven will not clean the door, and you have to do that yourself.

Allrighty. He is standing there, shaking the can, and getting ready to spray it on, and I asked him if he had read the instructions, because I know this shit is caustic. So, he goes, "all I'm going to do is spray some of it on the inside of the door, wait, and wipe it off". I reminded him of the instructions, (that he never read) that said to put a newspaper on the floor before you spray the door. He poo pooed the idea...and said it isn't running anywhere. Okay, good for you Mr. Clean, go for it.

The guy was on a cleaning mission and I couldn't stop him. So, he went on cleaning. Finally, he decided, maybe he should take the oven door off, to make this easier, so he lifted it off and set it on the counter, and proceeded to put more caustic spray on it.

Fuck, I couldn't get it through his head, that the product smelled good, but it was wicked stuff. Finally, he was satisfied that every little piece of gunk was gone, put the door back on the stove, and set the timer for Self-Cleaning. And left!

Fortheloveofasumabitch, I was terrified. What if the smoke would come back in the house like the last time.?

He told me it was all fixed and it wouldn't do that again. And it didn't. He was right, the self cleaning worked right this time, and all the gunk turned into ash.

Speaking about ash, opps, I mean ass, along the perimeter of the counter my kitchen floor, has been burned with "Easy Off"...the spray went everywhere. It turned my light beige flooring into a dark red blood colour. There are some light spray spots, and then some intense red spots that looks like a murder had been committed.

Oy-vey, it's not a pretty sight.

I was so mad at him by the time he got home, and showed him the destruction, I did the Heimlich Manoeurvre on him, very hard, even though he wasn't choking, but that's the only move I know.

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